I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who's torn it apart
And he's taken just all that I have
But if you want to try to love again
Baby, I try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest
(Sheryl Crow, The First Cut is the Deepest)
THE DEEPEST
I would apologize, I would, but an apology would prove to be futile. I'm not sorry at all. One can not help who he or she loves, just as one can not help who he or she does not love. And I can't love you.
You must think I hate you. I've seen the looks you gave me—filled with hopeless desire and immoral regret. I don't hate you at all. As much as I have tried, I couldn't hate you. You remind me of him: your resolute spirit, your unwavering trust, your unflinching faith. Sometimes my heart hurts when it realizes that you're not him, but after that brief moment, it smiles again when it notes that you are truly unique. You could never be like him. Even after your transformation, there is still something about you that is distinctively human.
Faolin was never human. He never tried to be, never wanted to be, never could be. He was a stolid embodiment of duty, faithful to the end. At times, I wondered if his loyalty to the crown overweighed any affection he may have had for me.
Even if I was absolutely positive that he didn't love me, the fact that I was and am wholly devoted to him wouldn't change. His memories are instilled within me. My mother once told me that just because you love someone doesn't make him or her love you. She was right. I may have loved him more than life itself, but his devotion lied elsewhere—to my mother, or rather to the throne. You may love me more than one person could ever love another, but I can't love you.
You must understand, Eragon. Even if there was some hope for us, there are still many other obstacles. There's just so much out there for you and if you survive this war, you will get to see them. With my limited knowledge of humans, I can elaborate one fact: their lives are too fickle and fleeting to ever settle long on one idea. Even though your lifespan has been increased, you're still young. You haven't experienced life yet and you would tire of love too easily. Unfortunately, your heart would be millions of miles behind you, still burdened with the weight of love.
One never fully recovers from heartbreak. If you try to move on, you'll leave pieces of your heart trailing in your wake. I've been there, remember?
I would apologize, I would, but an apology would prove to be futile. There is no word to retract your feelings, or compensate the injuries I've caused. I'm not sorry that you fell in love with me, but I am sorry that he captured my heart first.