a/n: hmm. i dunno how i feel about this. so i'll leave it to you people to tell me what you think! i'm telling you already, this is athrunxlacus. flames are unwelcomed, so don't like, don't read. please and thank you! didn't proofread yet, oops. i'll get back to this when i get the time. lovelots!

nothing worse

chapter 1

than watching the one you love, love someone else

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do you see what you do to me? do you have any idea at all?

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Today's our engagement party.

While holding unto my wine-filled glass, the two of us talked about the simplest of things.

Then I heard the sound of a door opening, and I realized — that your not listening anymore.

Drinking what's left of my wine, I stared at you, and I see who you're staring at.

And I was so sure this was our engagement party.

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Chairwoman of ZAFT. The Pink Songstress. Lacus Clyne.

Obviously, she'd be here.

If she wasn't, then I'd wonder whose engagement party this was. She's was, after all, my brother's fiancée. Your ex-fiancée. But she didn't have to be late, did she?

Then again, she is wearing something simple — something too plain — surely no one would've noticed her.

Yet I wondered why the room became quiet… and why people started flocking towards her, welcoming her—

Oh, I see.

—She's wearing something so simple that it magnified her pastel beauty.

Is this really my engagement party?

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You gave me back your attention and, coupled with a sheepish smile, asked

—"So, where were we?"

Inwardly, I sighed.

"Athrun, do you love me?"

You smiled like the answer was so obvious and maybe to me it really was because your eyes revealed it all.

"You know I do."

—And I know you do, just not in the same context as my question.

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Yes, you do love me, but as a friend. As the kind of woman that you can live with until you die. Just live with, not love with.

Am I not enough?

—No. I am enough.

—Just enough.

—Just not the perfect one.

—Just wasn't the one.

But,

—I'll make you see that you can be happy.

—That I can and I will make you happy.

Because at this point in time, I'm yours and you're mine, and it's like a fairytale come true.

I'll make you see that whatever you had with her is long over and that the one standing in front of you — will be the one standing beside you on the altar, me.

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"Of course you do. Now go and entertain our guests. What will they think, if we don't talk to them? This is our engagement party, after all, and let's not forget that and get carried away by other things."

"But I was so sure I was getting carried away by your beauty."

Blushing at his statement, quickly I yelled — "Shut up!"

"Okay, okay. I'll go and entertain our guests your highness."

He gave me a mocking bow, turned around and started walking away.

"I was serious. Don't get carried away. This is our engagement after all."

In an attempt to appear earnest, I had uttered with a grim smile.

You stopped walking, but you didn't face me.

"I won't. This is a very special event for me too, you know. My very first engagement party."

And you started walking away.

I didn't see your expression. But from your voice, it felt like you were reminiscing.

Oh, right.

Arranged marriages were so common in PLANT that they don't usually celebrate engagements anymore.

Just great. I reminded him about his previous engagement. I just told him this was our engagement, how'd it come to that?

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I can't say 'I didn't see this coming' because somehow I have seen it coming — ever since that stupid door opened.

Of course.

Of course the first person you'd go to would be her.

And to think that I had put on a lot of effort on hoping that you wouldn't.

That you'd entertain some other guest — a guest that wasn't her.

And so I watch you interact with her.

What does that make me? A spy?

Yes, indeed because spying on the two of you would obviously make me a spy.

And I ask myself, why'd I let you go just now, when I already saw this coming?

Then I remembered, how every little thing we've done, you've actually wanted to do with her.

Kami, thanks for drunken stupors in this world — really thanks.

Ah, what a joke.

Because,

—most of the time, ignorance really is bliss.

—most of the time, some things are better left unsaid.

Because,

—really, who would want to hear their lover say the name of another, during their love-making?

—who would want to hear being called another name during the high?

But,

—no, you just had to be drunk.

—you just had to not remember whose name you were moaning in ecstasy.

So I regretted refusing the alcohol you offered me beforehand — it would have saved me the trouble of having to forget.

Let's not get into the details but that's basically how I found out about how you really felt. And that's why you don't have to make me believe that you're in love with me — because I already know.

I know,

—that the kisses you give me are kisses that you want to give only to her, but you can't.

—that the hugs you give me, you only want to reserve for her.

But how could she hug you back with the same affection, when she's already promised to someone else?

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Dancing music started playing.

I'm so glad that I scheduled it at this time slot. (I must've been psychic or something.)

Seeing the two of you laughing together made my stomach churn. (Really, you never show those kinds of expression to me.)

With a smile, I approached the two of you.

"Hi Lacus. Mind if I borrow Athrun for a dance?"

I could never give her a fake smile. I never knew why, probably because I respect her so much.

"Cagalli, you don't have to borrow Athrun from me, it's not like I own him or something. Even if you just dragged Athrun away without asking me, I wouldn't have thought any different. This engagement party is, after all, for the two of you."

She replied with more sense than ever that I feel so stupid for even asking.

So with another smile, I replied to her, while pulling you by the collar of your tuxedo.

"Haha, I just had the urge to be polite. Either way, come on Athrun, let's dance. See you later, Lacus."

"Hey don't I even get a say in this?"

You suddenly asked with a joking tone.

"Fine, then lead the way Mr. Groom-to-be."

"Alright."

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You led me to the dance floor, while holding my right hand so tenderly, you could have fooled me.

When we got to the dance floor a lot of guests were already enjoying themselves.

You held my right hand and put your other hand on my waist. I placed my left hand on your shoulder. Getting into a proper position, I surveyed your face and saw how you looked at me lovingly. Like how I was the only one in your eyes. I looked down out of embarrassment due to the intensity of your stare and our feet became the most intriguing thing in my world.

I decided that I shouldn't really waste this moment, when you're looking so lovingly at me. So I looked up again, but you weren't looking at me anymore. I saw where you were looking at, and I see her. I looked down again.

We danced to that particular slow song, when in the middle of it all you suddenly loosened your hold on me.

Looking at another direction, you told me—

"I have to go."

Coincidentally, the music changed into a faster rhythm. (Yup, must be my ESP.)

"Why?"

I looked to where you were facing. I see her getting asked to dance by another man. She declines politely, but clearly the man is quite persistent. I held onto you.

"No, Athrun. Don't. She can handle it."

I tell you, desperation clear in my voice.

"No, you're wrong. She can't."

You told me and stopped my hands from holding onto you. Then, you proceeded to go in her direction.

I chased you. I held onto you again.

"Athrun, this is our engagement party. Don't you remember? Please just stay by my side and let me enjoy this night with you."

You looked at her again still being asked by that man.

"I'm sorry Cagalli. It's just in my instinct to always protect her. When we were still children, I promised her that I would always protect her. I hope you can understand. I'm really sorry. I'll make it up to you."

You explain to me lengthily with a voice I could not argue against. And so solemnly, I let you go. I tried to compose myself as if nothing ever happened, so as to not attract attention. I looked at you as you made your way to her.

The lights on the dance floor dimmed right on schedule. And I ask myself, why I even scheduled when the lights would dim. (so much for being psychic…)

Tell me, why do I feel so defeated, when I'm not even fighting her for your love?

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there is nothing worse than watching the one you love, love someone else

and

know that yours is a losing battle.

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tbc?