Philophobia
I like sitting around and watching romance movies with Kai, Tala and their girlfriends. Mostly I like to watch each of them curl up together. They always say that some day I'll fall in love too and that I won't be alone when we watch movies like that. They don't understand the way things are for me now. They don't understand that as much as I envy what they have, that closeness and that togetherness; I don't want it. I can't have it. I'm afraid of it.
I lived in a home where I watch the greatest love I knew be destroyed. The only love I ever knew was torn apart. And ever since then, every love I've ever seen, I've had to watch fall apart.
My mom was negligent and my father abusive. I know that if I had a kid I'd never be abusive, I'd make sure I was the father that I didn't have. Most of all, first of all, I'd want a wife who would know how to stand up for herself. If there's something I'm attracted to, it's an independent woman, someone who can take care of herself sometimes, someone who's opinionated. If I ever changed, if I ever let anger get the best of me, I'd want her to stand up to me. I'd tell her beforehand, if I ever turned into a monster like my father, just don't take it and just leave me. I'd want someone independent enough to do that.
But…my mother was like that once too. A long time ago. The thing about love is, you'd do anything for a person. And sometimes that leads to them changing or staying with you even if you hurt them. I wouldn't want anyone to do that for me, no matter how much they loved me. If they ever could love me.
I fear being alone, really I do…but…I wouldn't be able to handle it if I fell in love with someone and my love for them changed the person the person I fell in love with. People spent years of research, years of their lives trying to change me as a person and I don't want to ever have to change anyone. I don't want to break a person. I don't want them to become the pathetic excuse for a woman that my mother became. I don't care what her excuse was for letting her husband abuse me, I don't care. All I know is that somewhere along the line love got in the way. She let some guy walk all over her and reduce her.
Therefore, I don't fear love just for myself but for the women out there. I fear love because love involves trust, and that's something I refuse to give to anyone else but my friends. I fear love because deep down I don't know what to expect from myself. I don't know what I'm capable of. I know that my anger gets the best of me sometimes, no matter how much I try to suppress it but what would it matter? What if I hurt the one I love? Then the feeling of falling in love isn't even worth it to me.
By staying away from love I'm protecting myself, which seems selfish sometimes but it's not really like that. I'm protecting whoever I fall in love with because they deserve better than something like me. I lose my temper too much…nature versus nurture doesn't matter here. Everyone says 'if you love a person you won't hurt them' but that's not true because people also tell me that deep down my mother loved me, but she hurt and betrayed me.
In a country like Russia a lot of people still believe that men are better than women. Even in this day and age. I believe that women have every right as men. I want women out there living their lives, not letting love get in the way of their pride and self-respect. No man should make a woman feel less than she is. I wouldn't want to reduce someone I care about.
But…maybe I'm looking for excuses. Maybe I'm only thinking of myself. Maybe I'm scared of getting hurt; maybe I'm scared of hurting myself by hurting the few people that care about me. I don't detest love, I fear it… I fear it because with all the time I spend alone, the only thing I can do is think clearly. Love is blind…it clouds your thoughts, your better judgment. I can't have that happening.
Really I'm scared of what I'm capable of. I never want to end up like my father, or Tala's father, or Kai's or even his grandfather. I don't want any woman to end up like their wives either. I don't know for certain what I'm capable of but I know I'm not capable of taking care of anyone and I know that I can hurt a person all too easily even when I don't want to.
I've seen love be broken more than twice the amount of times that I've seen it grow so I don't know how to formulate an opinion on it but…it's a priceless feeling and anyone can see that. I just don't want a feeling like that to be tainted the way my family's was. I don't want to end up like them. Like any of them. I don't want to re-create it all. To keep all this from happening I have to avoid it.
I don't ever want to fall in love because I know that I love the idea of love itself, I love everything about it and secretly, I'll always love to watch the love between people grow. But love just isn't something for me and I hope I never fall in love because…if I fall in love…saying I don't want it would probably hurt me more than just thinking about it would.
I'm scared of becoming those people. I'm scared of turning myself into the people I hate the most. I'm scared of love because I know that love can do that to a person. I know that love can change you. That it can make you do things that you've never done before, that you've never even thought of before.
Love concurs all. And Love is blind. That's what these movies teach us.
'Are you happy?' She had asked me.
I don't know…
Happy with myself? No. Never.
Happy that I could save myself and someone else a lot of hurting? Maybe.
A/N: The fear of love. I wasn't sure how I could work that out without it being a oneshot filled with thoughts so that's how it ended up. I hope it was okay since there wasn't all that much plot. Please leave feedback.