~Jacob~
I stared at my phone, waiting for it to ring. Willing it to ring. Nessie called most nights, and always at the same time before she went to bed, ever since she'd gone away to college. College in England. Oxford. She had left a few months ago and while it was torture, I couldn't stand in the way of her life. I was her imprint, not her shackles. And she had wanted to go more than I'd seen her want anything. And of course her family, myself, and the packs were thrilled for her. I think I gained some respect from Edward in that moment. The moment where she got that acceptance letter and she beamed and then her face completely fell apart.
She knew I was her imprint, but she didn't know the depth to which I wanted to take that bond. And I had decided long ago that she would be the one to decide exactly how far that bond would go. If we were best friends, or more. I didn't want to suffocate the life out of her. I loved how vibrant Nessie was, how enthusiastic she seemed to be about everything. And though I would always love her, I would never demand she love me back, in fear of snuffing out that love of life in her. Unlike with Bella, I could keep my emotions to myself, I could truly be like that story from the bible, I could stay silent forever if I had to. So long as Nessie always let me be a part of her life. She had looked at me and asked if it would be okay if she went, she didn't want to hurt me. And without a thought I had hugged her and told her I'd be hurt if she didn't go, follow her dream.
My phone rang and I picked it up a lightning speed. "Hey Nessie," I said into the speaker as I answered the phone, cradling it gently to my ear, wishing I could hold her in my arms right now, hug her.
"Hi Jake," she said happily, but she sounded tired. "How're you? How's the pack? How's my family? You have to tell me everything," she gushed into my ear.
I chuckled at her rambling, wanting to know what was going on with everyone. "Not much has changed since yesterday," I teased, "How're you doing there?" I worried about her like crazy. She was so far away. And she was alone. There wasn't a moment it seemed where I didn't think about her. Wonder if she was too cold without me there to use as a heater, wonder if she was making not only friends, but good friends, wondering if she was enjoying her classes, if she had enough time to study, if she was doing well, if she was safe. There was so much that could happen. And I was so far away.
I could almost hear her roll her eyes as she giggled, "I'm fine oh protector of mine." She began to describe her day to me. Classes, homework, some loser hitting on her at dinner, movie night with her roommate in the dorm. They had watched The Notebook and My Best Friend's Wedding. "I'm glad you have someone else to torture with your girly movies," I tease her lightly. I loved watching any movie with her. Because she usually snuggled against me when we did, and she almost always feel asleep on my shoulder after she was done debating why the particular chick flick hadn't been stupid. I never truly agreed with her, but eventually I would give in and tell her she was right, it was a cinematic masterpiece. To which she would roll her eyes and playfully shove me. She always knew when I wasn't completely honest with her about something. And I loved that too. That I couldn't get away with anything.
We talked a little longer, filling each other in on some small details and then she yawned into the phone. "You should get some rest," I told her softly. I could tell she'd just nodded, not speaking, forgetting in her tiredness that I couldn't see her through a phone a country away.
"Night Jake," she said to me.
"Good night Nessie," I said back to her, wishing I could kiss her forehead, like I would right now if she were here. "I love you," I said after that, hoping that she couldn't see through the words to the real emotion behind them. We were just friends.
~Nessie~
My heart fluttered when he said that he loved me. For some reason those words from him had started having that effect on me. "Love you Jake," I answered cheerfully, like a friend would. And then we hung up.
Lately I'd started to think that maybe I had feelings for my best friend. And that could only be trouble, would be my immediate reaction if he were anyone else, if he wasn't my imprint. He was though. Which meant no matter what I did I would never lose him, right? That's what it was supposed to mean. But I was still scared to let him hear the emotion that he so freely had been sharing with me lately.
When I was younger I had wondered about the nature of our relationship. Since he was my imprint. I had wondered what it would mean in the future. I had given it more thought than most young children would because I thought more sophisticatedly than most young children. Clair never thought twice about Quil being her imprint. To her it meant a playmate and extra cookies at Emily's. But I hadn't missed the fact that the imprints were all either dating or married. I remember my father sitting me down one day, after hearing my thoughts no doubt and explaining that imprinting was the purest kind of friendship and love there was, but it was up to those people to decide what to do with that bond. And I had accepted that because as a young child all I had wanted was a playmate and someone to talk to. Now that I was older I wanted different things. But I had always gotten the creeps about thinking about getting those thins from Jake. He was like my big brother.
But the distance had somehow changed things. I was still the same Nessie. He was still the same Jacob. But the way I saw him was different. I had been so grateful when he had encouraged me to go, instead of asking me to stay with him. And I knew I would miss him. I just hadn't realized the things I would miss most. I missed his arms around me, the safety and love they provided. I missed the way I fell asleep on his shoulder. The way he would mock argue with me over stupid things. And mostly I missed the way he always pressed his lips to either my cheek or my forehead as he said goodnight. And in missing those things, I'd started to miss things I'd never had, to want them, to want them with Jacob. It had somehow become apparent to me that I didn't have a big brother towards the end of my stay in Forks. I had had a best friend. And now I had a crush on that best friend. I wasn't sure what to do about that.
I felt the emotions that Jake's tones of voice conveyed these past few months that I had been away, but I hadn't found a way to reciprocate them yet, not even in the silent underhanded way that he communicated them.
I looked at my phone and pressed my lips to the screen, the screen that held a picture of Jake. "I love you," I said softly before setting the phone safely on my bedside table and drifting to sleep.
That night I dreamt about Jake. Jake made love to me. I say made love because I can't think of any other description for it. He had told me he loved me. And I had said it freely back. Every touch, feeling, sensation had lit my body on fire. I hoped that that passion wasn't just the thing of dreams. I hoped it truly existed. But I'd ever actually experienced the act to know.
When I woke up alone, I was disappointed and empty feeling. I knew this was my subconscious showing me what it wanted. And more than that, what it needed. I needed for Jake to know how much my feelings had changed, the fact that I wanted more. I looked at the clock. It was eight in the morning for me. The middle of the night for him. I grabbed my phone anyway, he wouldn't mind if I called now. He was the only one that could quell the empty feeling. I dialed, not thinking about his reaction to a midnight call.
"What's wrong?" were his first words.
I laughed, "Relax. It's the morning here, silly," I said, keeping it light. At the sound of his voice I had lost all of my moxie. I couldn't tell him over the phone that I was crazy in love with him. I couldn't tell him at all. What could I say? I just had the most amazing sex dream of my life, please come an make it reality? What if he only thought of me as a friend, and I was making up the I love you's with subtext.
"Right," he answered. But he seemed unconvinced. "Still you wouldn't call in the middle of my night unless there was something going on. Good news. Something."
"I miss you," I said, my voice cracking with tears that I suddenly felt like crying at the sound of hs concern. Concern that only grew deeper at the tone of my voice.
"Ness..sweetheart," there was that subtext again, "I miss you too. But it's just two more weeks before you're home for break. I thought everything was going good there. I thought you were okay. Please don't cry." He was pleading with me to stop the waterworks.
"I love you Jake," I said into the phone, feeling hollow as he answered. "I know. You know I love you too." He misunderstood. He thought I meant it like I always meant it. Now I knew I had to tell him in person. He had to see the look on my face, in my eyes. He had to feel it. And I was sure when I felt it from him it would be overwhelming.
"Jake, I gotta go get ready for class," I said finally, "It's midterm week, so I might not be able to call. I'll see you after though, when I get home." I knew I was pushing him away, but I couldn't deal with him not understanding me every day for the next two weeks.
"Okay," he sad, sounding disappointed. I could imagine the look of loss on his face, and I almost changed my mind. "I've got American Idol waiting for you…" I laughed. I had made him promise to record my addiction while I was away. And I'd made him promise to watch it with me. And he had agreed.
"Looking forward to it…" I said before we hung up.
~~~~~~TWO WEEKS LATER~~~~~~
~Jacob~
I rolled my eyes as Nessie railed against the TV, really letting Simon have it about a review he'd just given. She apparently thought that the guy had sung pretty decently, and didn't appreciate him tearing him down. "Completely unfair," she finished with, her voice vibrating against my chest where her head was resting.
It had taken a long time for us to find ourselves in this position, hours in fact, so I wasn't really into saying anything that would ruin this moment. "Completely," I agreed, though to be honest, I'd barely been paying attention to the television. First my attention had been on the fact that Nessie had been acting strange and distant. Ever since our last phone call when she had sounded like she might cry, it seemed like she was staying away from me. Like she was afraid to talk to me. Or like she was upset with me. And for what, I couldn't imagine.
Everything in our last conversation had been like a typical conversation, with the exception of her tears. I just couldn't piece together why she was acting so strange. And that was worrying me more than anything. I pulled her closer to me, taking in her flowery scent. It was like honey suckle and cinnamon. It was absolutely delectable.
She looked up at me and rolled her eyes, "You aren't paying attention, are you?" she accused to which I raised my hands in surrender, lowering one back to her waist, to hold her. "You caught me, red handed."
She swatted at me, with a roll of her eyes, before resting her head back on my chest. I was thankful that that was the last part of the last tape we had to watch, that had been the final singer for the night. Maybe now I could get her to talk to me. She had talked to me about everything through the years, sometimes in more detail than I would like. I had been the first one she'd told when she'd started her period, having been too embarrassed to tell anyone else, so I couldn't imagine what would be so embarrassing, or so scary that she couldn't tell me, and that worried me.
"Nessie…" I trailed off, pulling her up to look me in the eye, "Is everything okay? Really okay? Nothing happened to you in England did it?" I would never forgive myself if something had happened to her and I hadn't been around to protect her from it.
She looked away and shook her head, I reached for her hands. She yanked them away. I became instantly more concerned. She only ever avoided touching me, when she was afraid that I might see something she wanted to keep secret. When she was in an emotional state sometimes flashes would just leak through from her. The vampires figured it was because of her human half.
"Ness…" I trailed off again, feeling helpless. I needed to fix this, so she could look me n the eye again. If I only knew what I had to fix. How bad was it? Had she been hurt? I started to feel not only panic, but rage filling him. He would kill whoever made his Nessie like this.
She finally turned to face me. "Jake, I'm fine really…" I told him, "I just think that I might be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way." She seemed to almost reach out to touch me, that still being her favorite way of communicating her ideas because she could do so, so vividly, with pictures, emotions, and words. But she pulled her hand back, as if she would be afraid of my reaction. Then she looked at the clock and said, "I should get going before mom and dad get worried." And she was gone before I could stop her. Although I couldn't imagine someone not loving Nessie. But as I thought of her news, I realized that it meant that she didn't love me. I would again be the dutiful best friend, but I would carry out my duties better for Nessie. I would support her no matter what. And if I needed, I could find someone else to care for.
~Nessie~
I stayed to the forest, running all the way home at top speed. I couldn't believe what was happening. I was in love with my best friend. I was in love with Jacob. And for the first time ever, my love for my best fried was causing a wall to be between us. It was causing a chasm, because I was afraid to ruin everything by admitting the truth. What if he just wanted to be my friend? What if this imprint didn't equal love to him? Or what if it did and he was sitting waiting for me to say the word, like Quil with Claire when she got old enough? What if my news made him ecstatic? But what if it made things awkward? Or made him like me less? I couldn't live with that.
I relaxed as I smelled the familiar sweet smell of home.
My father looked up, immediately when I walked in, I'm sure he was hearing my myriad of thoughts, and instead of bypassing him, I moved to sit at the table with him. Some people might find it annoying to have a father always in their head, but didn't. I found it oddly comforting. There was one person in this house that I could share everything with, that knew all my secrets, that really knew me, the good bad and ugly, and that accepted me anyway. When I couldn't talk to Jacob, I could always talk to dad. Because he already knew. And because he usually had the best advice. My mother gave good advice too, but I found it hard to talk to her. She always seemed a little too reserved for my liking. I heard my dad chuckle at the last thought, and I grinned sheepishly. "You know you're mother isn't that bad."
"Sue, sure," I said, using Jacob's phrasing, gesturing it as unimportant. I have more important things to talk to you about, I thought at him. Another reason why I loved talking to my dad. It rarely required too many words…on my part at least.
"Who are you having these feelings about?" he asked. I guess from his stand point it was a valid question. I had been in England for months now. I gave him an incredulous look as I reached out and touched him, sending him images of Jake as I saw him, handsome, funny, caring, the love of my life, Jacob complimenting me, holding me, laughing. Jake!!! I yelled inside my head.
My father's grin wasn't missed by me. "Good, for a moment there I thought you were in love with some English boy."
And what would be wrong with that? I demanded, even though it was a moot point.
"Nothing," he answered me, "I just trust Jacob with you, that's all. He could never break your heart."
"He has to want it first," I pointed out miserably. "What if he doesn't want me the same way that I want him."
"And how is that?" Edward asked.
Dad really was being dense tonight. But I guess he just wanted all of his facts straight before giving me advice. I reached out and touched him again, showing him Jacob kissing me, an engagement ring on my finger, Jacob and me with children. I kept it PG because, this is my dad after all.
He seemed relieved and grateful for that. I wasn't stupid. I knew he didn't want to think in depth about his daughter having sex. And I would never subject him to that. I knew for a fact though that after I started dating Jake it would be hard to be home, once we were serious. I might think about things dad might not want to know.
"I'll brave it," he said to me with a small smile, "You're more important than some possibly unpleasing images."
What should I do? I asked again, wanting him to tell me something definitively. Wanting him to say, of course Jake's head over heels for you. Haven't you heard the way he calls you sweetheart. But this was dad. Dad believed in going and discovering, not having answers always handed to you.
"Remember when you were younger and we talked about you and Jacob's imprint bond?" I nodded my head, how could I forget, it was when I realized that this relationship could be whatever I wanted, whatever we decided together, when the time was right. "Exactly," my dad said, "You just have to talk to him…" I rolled my eyes slightly. I can't make him love me. "He already loves you. You wouldn't be making him do anything."
And then I grinned. Was dad trying to say that Jacob really did already love me? His sly tone seemed to imply that.
I looked at my dad and touched him one last time, showing him an image of Jacob seeing me off at the airport tomorrow. I knew he'd understand the unasked question.
He nodded, "You're mom won't like that she'll miss out saying good-bye to you at the airport. But I'll talk to her."
"Thanks, dad," I answered.
I ran upstairs and called Jacob, asking him to take me to the airport at the end of the week. Promising to explain everything to him, if he agreed. To which he of course said yes.
~~~~~~THREE DAYS LATER~~~~~~
~Nessie~
I was going out of my mind with nerves on the ride to the airport and Jacob was not so subtly going out of his mind with my silence. We were alone. We were together. And I didn't seem to have any strength, any bravery. I didn't have the words to say what I wanted to say and I lacked the gumption to touch his arm and just show him what I wanted. What I wanted from him. "We need to talk…" I finally said, but we were already at the airport.
Jacob was visibly tense at the fact that we had run out of time. That shortly he'd be completely out of time to find out what was bothering me so much. And I took this moment to retreat to cat's got my tongue land with my tail between my legs. And he began to unload my bags.
The tense silence seemed to stretch between us, until that last final moment. This was it. This was where I went to my gate, and he had to stay behind because security measures wouldn't allow him to tag along. This was the moment. I was so glad I'd taken my dad's second set of advice, as he came to tell me that my mother had finally agreed. I had wrote it all down, in case I did exactly what I was doing. I gave him the tightest hug I could.
"I love you," Jacob whispered, kissing my forehead. And I chickened out again, shoving the envelope back into my pocket, unable to return his sentiment; I gave him a shaky smile. "I'll miss you…" I felt like crying at how everything between us was falling apart. I might be missing him forever, if I didn't get it together. I gave him a small wave as I headed for the gate.
~Jacob~
I felt my throat constrict and tears prick at the back of my eyes as Nessie said she would miss me, looking close to tears herself. I guess her I love you's were now reserved for someone else. It hurt. But I would have to find a way to deal, get over it. She deserved to be happy with whoever made her happy.
She looked so small as she gave me a wave and began to disappear. As she turned her back to me, I felt the tears spill. She always looked back. But this time, she didn't glance backwards at me even once.
I was about to turn around and leave as she disappeared from sight. But then I saw a blur heading my way. And I knew immediately that it was Nessie, running as quickly as she could in front of humans. And then she was leaping into my arms. And I caught her. Before I had time to think her lips were on mine and her hand was snaking it's way into my inside coat pocket.
"Bye," she said cheerfully, "See you soon." And she took off just as suddenly.
When I reached my car, I remembered feeling her hand make its way to my pocket. And sure enough when I felt there, there was a note.
Jacob,
Just writing this down, incase I can't say it out loud. Lately, I've been thinking a lot. And I think I'm in love with you. I know I want more.
Nessie
~~~~~~ONE MONTH LATER~~~~~~
~Nessie~
It had been a month since I'd kissed Jacob in the airport. And just as long since I'd heard from him. When I hadn't heard from him immediately, I had told myself there was nothing to worry about, he was just thinking. But as the days began to add up, my heart started to plummet. Until now I barely talked to my family. I was heartbroken. I knew they would notice. I couldn't bear to explain the rejection to them. Nor did I want them to try and get in touch with Jacob for me. I wasn't desperate. Not in the least. So now I spent all my time just focusing on the studies, barely associating with anyone.
"Come on, you have to leave the room today," My roommate argued. I opened my mouth to argue that I had left today. I'd gone to three classes already. "For something other than classes," she challenged me, and my mouth snapped shut. "The university is doing this whole outdoor concert thing tonight. And the whether is supposed to be good. We should go." And with that she began to pick out clothes for me to wear.
"I don't know, I'm…" I fished for an excuse.
"Heartbroken," Carrie, cut me off, "I get it. But you can't hide forever. It's time to move on Renesmee. You're Jacob's hot and all. But he's not the only hot guy around. You yourself said they were new feelings. Maybe you only feel them because you're without him now. Maybe they aren't even real." I was going to snap at her that they were real, "Maybe they are," she conceded, "But you still can't hide out here forever until he sees you for the amazing person you are. If he's not interested, he's a dumbass." She tossed a sundress at me and said, "Get dressed."
I knew there was no arguing with her, so I took the dress and began to change. I looked in the mirror. I really did look a mess, she was right. "I'm gonna shower," I announced, going into our bathroom and showering before getting dressed again. Then I moved into the room to dry my hair and do my make-up. Carrie was right, as much as I hated that fact. It was time to see the world again. And let the world see me.
"Come on," I said when I was finally ready.
"Finally," Carrie teased me as if she'd been waiting forever. And I guess in some ways she had been waiting forever to get her cool roommate back.
It didn't take long for me to lose myself in the music and the drink. And soon Carrie and I were dancing together and laughing, until I felt a tap on my shoulder and noticed Carrie's eyes grow wide. "Can I cut in?" came a voice that I would recognize anywhere. My own eyes widened in disbelief as I turned around. "Jake?"
I wasn't sure how to react to his presence. What did it mean? That my family was worried from having not heard from me? That he wanted to let me down easy? That he wanted the same things, I did? He nodded, chuckling as he wrapped his arms around my waist. We began to sway to he music as I asked him. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you," he answered, as if it were the most obvious thing. And that much was obvious. What wasn't was why? He could see the question in my eyes and then hear it echo in his head as I touched his cheek.
He simply grinned at me. "I read your note," he said as if that cleared up everything. He must have seen my mystified look because he continued to explain, "I was wondering if you'd ever see me, the way I've seen you since you were 'sixteen.'"
I gasped a little at this revelation. I hadn't been imaging things. It made me overjoyed. But it also made me a little nervous, would he be ready for more than I was. He was after all older, and he had been waiting a while. I realized when he poke that I must have projected that to him. "I'd wait forever for you Nessie. You're my imprint. The purest love and friendship there is, remember? I could never hurt you."
I smiled at him, feeling completely grounded in the here and now, never wanting this moment to end, because it was perfect. My Jacob was here. And he was truly mine.
~Jacob~
Everything felt perfect as I held Nessie in my arms. As everything between us seemed open again. She was talking to me, in every way she possessed. And she had no secrets anymore. And now, I could truly enjoy the moment, knowing I was more than a friend. I was hers. I would always be hers. Even f she ever decided she didn't want me anymore. I could never leave her.
Then she reached up and touched my cheek. And my mind was flooded with not only love, but the image of me kissing her. And as the image continued to me kissing her neck, and lower still, I knew she wasn't aware that she was transmitting her fantasy to me. If she did, she would definitely blush, embarrassed. I pulled her closer though, glad that she had those thoughts about me.
I leaned down and kissed her, and I could feel her lips grin against mine before melting against them. While the rest of her fantasy was tempting, we had plenty of time to enjoy that. Instead I pulled away from her and nuzzled her neck, placing one small kiss there, and feeling the heat creep up her cheeks as realization hit, at my silent teasing of what I'd seen. I breathed in deeply. Honey suckle and cinnamon.