Author's Note: This is a third draft. If you have suggestions or compliments, then give me your review; if you have constructive criticism or editing help, then give me your review; if you have insults or unconstructive criticism, then give me your review anyway (haters gon' hate).
Kinda Important: I have some weird ways of writing some things... itallics are used to show sarcasm and/or words with abnormally enunciated sylables being used; bold words are being shouted and/or emphasized; (thoughts in the story go in parentheses); due to my weird thing for hand seals, they are written into this story like this *snake - ram - monkey - boar - horse - tiger*, for those of you who are like me those were the seals for Katon: Goukakyuu No Jutsu (Fire style: Great Fireball Technique).
"This isn't looking good…" said Tsunade as she stood watching the Intel Division of the Joint Shinobi Army working frantically to gather enough backup for General Kitsuchi and Division 2 to handle the 20,000 enemies they had pulled out of the ground."If Mifune can't spare any more units, then where else can we shift our strength away from? Kakashi and Division 3 are fighting a pretty hopeless battle already and Darui and Division 1 have to stay strong where they are in case Madara tries to move his troops across water to attack us behind our lines."
"Gaara has Division 4 stationed just south of Kitsuchi's position, if Gaara weakened his right flank, reinforcements could arrive within a few hours under the command of Nara Shikamaru." reasoned the ever-confident Raikage.
"… or I could call in my connections…" murmured the Tsuchikage, barely loud enough for the other two to hear.
"What are you talking about old man? What have you been hiding?" demanded Raikage.
"Hiding? I would never hide anything from you, Raikage. You simply never asked" Tsuchikage countered with an amused smile.
"Just tell us what it is that you've kept in reserve!"
"Fine! Shortly after the 3rd Ninja War, the leaders of the Hidden Stone Village were contacted by a group of unaligned shinobi known as the Ryu clan. This clan claimed to live in an unofficial village called the Village Hidden in Hell. They offered to my village their services as ninja mercenaries in the case of another Great Ninja War. I was sent to their village myself to spy on, and then make contact with this clan only to be captured by another Hell Village ninja clan…"
Tsuchikage flashback:
Oonoki is walking along an ominous mountain range along the border of the Earth Country.
"Hey there. You know you shouldn't be here, right?" said a voice coming from Oonoki's left side.
"Hmmm? Who do you think you are? Some kind of security guard? How about you stop hiding like a coward and show yourself" Oonoki demanded.
"I'm not hiding, but if you insist…" a short, strongly built man slowly walked out from behind a nearby ridge carrying a guitar, "here I am. Now, who are you why are you here?"
"Who am I? I'm Oonoki, the man who always has it both ways! The inheritor of the terrifying title of Tsuchikage!"
"Oh, ok. So you're that egotistical midget they told me about. Yeah, we've been expecting you."
"What did you just call me!"
"Relax man, I was only joking. I wouldn't be so quick to insult our first guest and potential customer since Shodaime Hokage. However, I am going to have to ask that you listen to my music for a moment."
"Wait… so you were expecting me? How did you know I was coming here? And who are you? A member of the Ryu clan?"
"So many questions… you gotta chill, man. Here, I'll help you."
"What are you - "
At once he started playing his guitar and singing "When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
Oonoki stood awestruck by the beauty of the music as the mysterious man finished the song and without missing a beat continued on to play a 20 minute long medley of the best music Oonoki had ever heard. When the man was done, he played a chord on his guitar and the scenery around Oonoki suddenly changed from an open mountain range to a dimly-lit, spacious tunnel with veins of glowing crystals running along the walls.
"I'm sorry about the genjutsu, but I was instructed to lead you here without allowing you to remember which way you came. I do hope you enjoyed the concert though, I'd be interested to hear the opinion of the first man to have heard me play those songs and lived."
"So it was a genjutsu. That was a very powerful technique for someone who has an illegitimate village insignia on a metal plate fastened to his guitar's shoulder strap."
The other ninja smiled, "I know what you're trying to do. By calling my village illegitimate, you hope to agitate me into giving you information about my village in my attempts to prove that it's legit. But that information is not to be revealed to you quite yet. However, you did ask my name earlier so I will tell you that. I am Gungaku Kankyou of the Gungaku clan, ninja of the Village Hidden in Hell."
"So you are one of them! I thought so because of your confidence!"
"And you are a racist bastard! Just because I'm confident you automatically assumed I was from the Hell Village! You little son of a bitch!"
"Don't you talk about my mother that way!"
"Oh, you want me to talk about your mother? Well yo mama so ugly when she entered an ugly contest, they said 'sorry, no professionals!'"
(what would Killer Bee do in this position…) Oonoki responds angrily, "That may be true, but I wrote a haiku, about yo mama for you! Yo mama expands, filling air like morning fog, infinite fat one!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
"Why yes, yes I did!"
Just as Kankyou is about to start playing his guitar, a cluster of nearby crystals starts glowing more intensely until another man emerges from the luminescence seeming to materialize in the now blinding light.
"That's enough from both of you. Tsuchikage, you will be temporarily detained until General Ryu is ready for you; Kankyou, you are dismissed until further notice."
"You detain me? Ha! Do you know who I am? I'm Oonoki, the man who always has it both ways! The inheritor of the terrifying title of Tsuchikage!"
"I can see how you got annoyed with this one, Kankyou…"
"What was that!"
"Oh, nothing… nothing at all Tsuchikage-sama. Now, if you wouldn't mind standing still for just a little bit… *tiger-dog-dragon-boar-bird-snake* … and now, you are trapped in my jutsu."
Oonoki was about to laugh at the man again only to realize that he couldn't laugh, or move. His eyes searched desperately for a reason why to no avail. The strange man made the bird handseal, projecting a beam of light from the space between his fingers and his thumbs. The light was aimed just a little bit over Oonoki's head and suddenly all that he could see was a giant image of the man's face as it spoke to him.
"You probably have a few questions for me right now, and I'll address the obvious ones and you can figure out the answers to any other questions on your own. First, my name is Hoshi Yamamoto of the Hoshi clan and, like Kankyou, I am a shinobi of the Hell Village. Second, you can't move because you are currently stuck inside of a large crystal, similar to the ones in the walls of this cave. Third, I put you in that crystal because I was told to keep you here until the General is ready for you, should you arrive earlier than expected. Fourth, you can see this projection of my face because I am manipulating my beam of light which is being projected onto the front panel of the crystal. Fifth, General Ryu should be arriving in a couple of minutes and you may consult with him on those matters which you have arrived to discuss with him at that time."
Fifteen minutes later, Oonoki heard the sound of his crystal-prison shattering around him and he came face to face with a tall, masked man wearing red, orange, yellow, and black clothes accompanied by Kankyou and Yamamoto.
"Hey guys, sorry I'm late… You see I had to file some paperwork for the new teams…"
"Don't bullshit us Akaton, you were reading your new weapons catalogue, weren't you?" said a less than impressed Kankyou.
"The least you could do is not make me lose face in front of our potential customer…"
"Whatever."
"Okay, so you came to discuss the possibility of an arrangement between my mercenaries and your ninja village, right Tsuchikage?"
"I suppose…" replied Oonoki, overwhelmed by the speed at which things were happening.
"Well then let's go to my office to discuss this, shall we?"
(That would be a great way to disguise a little bit of spying, and it might be my only chance to do so) "That sounds like a great idea," replied Oonoki.
"Okay then, follow me."