So someone asked me on Tumblr if, if Tim is the one to break up with Paige, if I thought it'd be realistic for her to be upset about that. I said I thought so, and in typing my reasons why, I got the idea for this, drawing on Paige's insecurities and why Tim breaking up with Paige could really mess her up. It's probably a two shot, a three shot at most. I know what I'm doing with it, I just don't know yet how it's all going to be broken up chapter wise.
Also I want to issue an apology to all the lovely writers whom I've been sucking at reading and reviewing lately. I hate blaming everything on how sick I am, but unfortunately it really saps my energy. There are a ton of fics I'm so excited to read and I'm really going to try and get caught up soon.
When her friends asked if she was okay, Paige said that she was. She insisted, even as Toby and Happy glanced at each other, even as Sylvester bit his lip, even as Walter periodically glanced at her with concern. She was okay. Of course she was, it's not like she and Tim had been together for four years. It's not like he had cheated on her. It's not like he'd ever promised to love her forever. It's not like they'd even used that word at all.
So why in the hell did it feel like this was Drew all over again?
She didn't cry that first night, after she tucked Ralph in and was finally alone, but she sat on the bed, staring at whatever was on the TV with a blanket wrapped around her until the sun started to poke through the blinds.
When Tim had suggested they do long distance, she'd felt a tiny prickle of dread. She'd only had one other long distance relationship in her entire life, and it had led to months of forcing smiles at work, crying into her pillow every night, clutching her son tighter than he liked because she was desperate to hold on to the last person in the world that loved her, even though the mute two year old had never told her so. Paige was sure the sun had been out in the months after she realized Drew was never coming home. It was California, after all. But she didn't remember any sun. Every memory of that time, with the exception of Ralph saying mommy for the first time, was tinged in darkness, as if there was a dirty fog in the air.
But while Tim too was drawn away by the promise of a fulfilling job, he'd initially been planning to stay. And he had a job waiting for him when he returned, it was in L.A., she knew he'd be coming home. And Tim was older than Drew was when he left. He was more responsible. He knew more of what he wanted.
Maybe that's why this hurt so badly. Because this wasn't the move of a rash, selfish twenty four year old. This was Tim weighing his options, capable of rationalizing everything he felt, and deciding that she wasn't worth it.
She didn't doubt that when they'd kissed at TSA and he said he couldn't wait to kiss her again when he came home, he'd fully expected to do so. She'd remembered her farewell to Drew then, and pushed the niggling fear down, away, because certainly this was going to be different.
She had to believe that, because what were the odds of it happening again?
It had to be her. She tried so hard, loved so hard, threw herself into any relationship she entered into and gave her all. Yet she had to keep the people she dated physically close. As soon as there was any sort of distance involved, she was left alone. Dream jobs won over her, every single time.
So now, standing on the roof of the garage six weeks after the phone call from Jordan that Tim was done and thirty seconds after Walter O'Brien confessed his love for her, she was telling him that she loved him too, but she wasn't going to be able to go with him to the light show in a few days.
"I don't understand," Walter said, and she could see the distress in his eyes and it hurt and she looked away. "If you love me, why can't we be together?"
She didn't want to answer. She looked away, her eyes half closed as she stared out at nothing.
"Paige."
"If we never get together," Paige said slowly, feeling like something was squeezing her lungs as she drew in a breath, "then you can't leave me."
Silence hung in the air, and she squeezed her eyes shut and started down at the cement that topped the wall. Her nails stared back up at her invitingly, and it was all she could do to not lift a hand to her lips and bite them down to the quicks, the way she had the first night she'd mourned Drew.
"Paige, please look at me."
She did. She wanted to.
Walter's eyes locked onto her own. "Paige, I love you. I'm not going anywhere. And I know that you're scared, but...but...is that really the best way to live?"
Paige blinked, a tear leaking out. "Isn't that exactly what was stopping you last year?" She knew she wasn't being entirely fair, criticizing his fear for keeping them apart when she was now doing the same thing. But this was different. She had past experience. She'd been knocked over the head one too many times. She was head shy...heart shy. This was different...wasn't it?
"I was an idiot." He said it so simply. Paige ran her tongue along her lower lip, and Walter stepped a little closer. "Paige, I was scared of what I felt for you. I didn't know what it was; all I knew was that I'd never felt that way before, about anyone. You know I never used to believe in love. But once I realized that was what I felt for you, it was like everything changed. Suddenly it made sense. And every time I look at you, every time you look at me, I just...I see everything I never knew I wanted."
"Walter, I know that you love me," Paige said. "Okay, I'm not...I don't doubt that. Believe me. I can see it in your eyes, those eyes, I..." She pressed her lips together. "And when you say you want to be with me forever I believe you. But I've been told that before. Drew and I thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives. I thought for sure Tim and I would last the eight months. And yet..." she shook her head, hating how much her voice was cracking. "And yet..."
"Please don't cry," Walter said, reaching up and brushing a tear from her cheek with his thumb. "Please don't cry."
"Walter, I barely survived losing Drew." She shook her head slowly. "And when Tim broke up with me, with those memories of Drew rushing to the front of my mind...for a moment there I thought I was going to die. And I didn't even love Tim." She bit her lower lip. "Walter, if I fell into you, and then somewhere along the line your feelings changed, or you found...you found something you're more passionate about, I..." She closed her eyes and looked down. "I don't know that I could climb out of that place again. But it's not fair to you to ask that you stay with me no matter what. I love you far too much to ever try and force you to stay. So I'm sorry, but...I can't, Walter. I have to protect myself."
She could see the devastation on his face. She wanted to pull him close, protect him from what was hurting him, but she couldn't. Not in this case. Not when it was her.
But God, she wanted his arms. She wanted his lips. She wanted to bury her face into his neck and bask in loving someone, really loving someone, who loved her back. She could feel the love radiating from Walter even as he stood with at nearly two feet in between them. If he touched her right now, she was going to crumble into his arms.
And that was precisely why she couldn't.
She was already in way too deep. If she let herself fall from this point, she'd be gone. If she let him touch her, no one else's touch would ever compare. If she brought him into her bed, any bed she slept in for the rest of her life would have the imprint of his body next to her.
She'd been in love before. But she'd never felt like this before even beginning a relationship. If that was any indication of how much she'd love him if they acted on their feelings, if they started to really build something together...
"I'm sorry," Paige said again. "Walter, please don't think that this means I don't love you."
"No, you have to...you have to do what you have to do," Walter said, his voice laden with emotion, the distress so evident more tears leaked out of Paige's eyes. "I understand, I really do."
"I uh," Paige blurted after more excruciating silence, "I really should...it's late." She gestured upward at the moon. "Ralph has school tomorrow and I just, I really..."
"No, go, we have...we have that job...tomorrow...should get some rest." Walter sniffed, nodding rapidly. "Go. See you in the morning."
Paige nodded, backing away, finally turning and walking toward the door, unable to look at him a moment longer. Every second she looked into his eyes she wanted to forget everything she'd just said.
She descended the stairs, her pace increasing steadily, wondering why it was so dark in the garage. Happy was usually great at keeping everything working.
She scooped up her son despite his surprised yelp, lifting him to her hip with a "Ralph, it's past your bedtime" and heading for the door.
"Mom, I'm twelve," he protested, the sudden sharp pain in Paige's back simultaneously reminding her of the same thing. She let him down, holding the door open and ushering him through it, fumbling for her keys.
"Mom, what's wrong?" He asked as they got into the car.
"It's just me," Paige said as she put the key in the ignition. "Seat belt, Ralph."
"I have my seat belt on."
"Good."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, baby," Paige lied, looking up toward the roof, wondering if Walter was still up there, watching her leave as she knew he hated to see her do. "Don't worry about me."
She knew he didn't believe her, but to her son's credit, he remained silent the rest of the way home.
Paige spent another night wrapped up on a blanket on the couch. This time, she cried.