Dislcaimer: I don't own Naruto (Masashi Kishimoto does), nor do I own all the stuff about the Log (Third Fang came up with it).
"All right," Naruto said, breaking the group huddle. He faced Tazuna. "I have been delegated by my traitorous teammates to explain to you the Almighty Log. This normally wouldn't be a problem, but as they always make me do it—" the diminutive blond broke off to glare at the rest of his team. They smiled rather sheepishly at him. "I suppose I should feel honored to always get to tell people of the Log."
Tazuna was getting a forbidding feeling as the blond paused. Maybe I shouldn't have asked…he thought to himself.
"Okay, Tazuna," Naruto said. "Listen carefully."
Suddenly, in a movement so fast that Tazuna couldn't even see it, the blond pulled out a very thick (as in, several inches thick) book and a pair of sleek red glasses, the latter of which he perched on the tip of his nose, though he obviously didn't need them. He opened the book, ignoring Tazuna's gaping, and began reading from what the bridge builder could barely see was called "The Book of the Log."
"To explain to you why Kakashi-sensei needed to write an apology letter and plant saplings, I shall read to you several excerpts from the Book of the Log. Excerpt number 437: Use of the Log in a situation that clearly could be avoided"— glares were directed at Kakashi—"using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:
"For every dent caused by your replacement, you shall plant one sapling.
"For every stab wound caused by your replacement, you shall plant five saplings.
"For every hole in the Log caused by your replacement, you shall plant ten saplings.
"For every detached piece of the Log caused by your replacement, you shall plant one sapling per square inch of detached Log.
"For a destroyed and unusable Log caused by your replacement,"—the glares were stronger. Sakura let out a sniffle.—"you shall plant twenty-five saplings."
"Wait, but what about the apology?" Tazuna asked, rather bemused by this whole thing. "There's nothing in what you just read for that."
"Well, technically it's only applicable for fire jutsu's, but since this is Kakashi…" Naruto trailed off. "Here, I'll just read it to you. Excerpt number 124: when using the Log to escape a fire jutsu, it is Konoha custom to write an apology letter to the Log, and depending on the rank of the jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. For C-rank, it's two thousand; for B-rank, one thousand five hundred; A-rank, one thousand. Only S-rank and higher are excused from writing the letter of apology, and even then, it is still recommended to do so, else the Almighty Log might take offense."
Naruto glanced up from his reading to see how Tazuna was taking it. He mistook Tazuna's nonplussed expression as wanting him to continue, and so did.
"Ooh, the Song of the Willow is one of my girlfriend Hinata's favorite books in the Book of the Log. 'And the Willow sayeth unto the Ninja: wherefore dost I weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the Wood. The Log ist thine ally, and mine kin. Calling upon the Log, is to call upon me. To aid thee in battle, I weep my tears of joy. And the Ninja spoke: yea, thee and thine kin shall forever be blessed among me and mine kin. For this thine bravery shall never be forgotten.' Song of the Willow, verses 1-4."
Naruto flipped back to the beginning and started to skim through the table of contents, not even checking on Tazuna's expression now. "Ah! This is one is my favorite," he said as he turned pages until he was deep in the book. "'The Log took his place and fell, forever into the Abyss. The people, hearing of this, railed against him in such numbers he swore to never endanger another Log again. For many years, he fought without the Log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. Finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. As his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harm's way, seeing a Log in his place. His stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the Log. He knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. He asked of the Log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? Have you not done enough for me? And the Log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. We exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. We both play a part, for which I am content.' Honor of the Forest Canticle II, verses 59-70," Naruto finished.
"Hey Naruto," Kakashi said lazily. "How long has it been since you've read the Redwood Journals?"
"…" Naruto frowned. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "I've been so busy, and I always loved the Honor of the Forest Canticle books so much…and Hinata was always reading Song of the Willow…"
"Read verses 15-16, and I think you'll finally understand why the Suna nin always look at us so weirdly," Kakashi suggested.
Naruto flipped through the book until he found what he was looking for. "Okay, the Redwood Journals…verse 5…verse 9…verse 13…ah, verse 15. 'You are fools! Your Log is but a mockery of the power of ninja! – the ninja from the desert declared. And the people shook their heads, saying: you have been denied of the Log for a long time, sandwalker. We cannot force you to see the glory of the Log, but know this: when the time comes, and you have no other allies to call upon, the Log will hear your prayers, and aid you.' …Whoa. I should reread the Redwood Journals, shouldn't I?" Naruto said to himself.
Tazuna, who had remained quiet the entire time, was quite sure that all of these people were insane. There was something wrong in the heads of them – and they said that every single ninja in the village was like this?
The old bridge builder shuddered at the thought.
"Well," Naruto said, closing the huge book reluctantly. "That should have given you some idea of what the Log is like…I really wish we had more time. The Honor of the Forest Canticle books are quite good…"
"Yes, we really should be going," Tazuna interjected hastily, as it looked like the blond was starting to consider opening the Book again. "If we want to make good time, that is."
Naruto nodded affirmatively. He then took off his unneeded glasses and spirited them and the Book of the Log away to who knew where. Tazuna let his face fall into lines of confusion, as there was no way the blond could possibly be holding the Book on him. It was impossible!
Unfortunately, the blond misinterpreted this as a sign that Tazuna didn't understand what they had just spent the last half hour discussing/reading about.
"Gaara was never confused by the Almighty Log, even if he's a sandwalker," the blond said, pouting slightly.
Tazuna just shook his head in bemusement. Being stuck with these guys…this is karma for lying in the first place, isn't it?
A/N: There is more stuff about the Log on Third Fang's profile, but I didn't write it here. I just thought I'd post this little thing to make you guys laugh a bit, seeing as I didn't put it in the actual fic. Hope you liked it.
If there are more people who need Log explanations, should I put the explanations and their reactions here, all fleshed out, or put the full thing in the actual story?