title: Sometimes Words…
part: 1/1 complete
date: 2000?

author: Thanatos_Aire (Airi M.)
contact: death. in. a. box13 (at) gmail .com

genre: Shin Kidou Senki Gundam Wing
rating: PG13/teen
warnings: cussing

cast: 3553, bg Nanashi+Middie
notes: Um, okay. [shrug] Just a little doodlely, I didn't fit all the points I wanted to in it but that's okay. The main idea was Tro and 'Fei, not Mid, so it works. I guess.
blurb: Why aren't there more fics with these two together?

trailer: An awkward conversation can make all the difference. Ficlet.
disclaimer: I don't own, claim to own, make profit off the use of, or even have permission to borrow any canon or otherwise copyrighted elements contained herein

… with my head in my hands, I sit and cry.
Don't speak, I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining, don't tell me 'cause it hurts.
Don't speak, I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons, don't tell me 'cause it hurts.
It's all ending, I gotta stop pretending…

--No Doubt, "Don't Speak"

"… Do you have a moment?"

I slide my eyes towards him, having not expected him to speak. Wufei had been quiet all day, silent practically, and I thought he just needed some time to get over what ever had happened on the assignment he got back from last night. I nod curtly before returning to the sink.

There is no immediate response. I worry my flatmate is ill; Wufei has never been one to be at a loss for words. He is quiet, yes, but never lacks the vocabulary to express himself. I watch him some more discreetly as I finish washing up the supper dishes.

He sighs, "I… Perhaps this should wait, until after you are done."

I pause, turning towards the downcast face. He was so beautiful, my Wufei; chiselled bronze skin and perfect musculature like a Hellenistic statue, and yet, I could only look. He would not accept any advances I know, not from me, but that hasn't stopped me from sneaking a touch here or stealing a hug there. He takes them uncomfortably but has yet to tell me no – the day he does I think I may have to move out.

It's hard enough living with him, having him within reach every day. Because he is part of the Preventers I never know if he will come home at all, or at least in one piece, but I could never show my concern. How could I? At least now I can filch smiles and a seeming-nonchalant pet of his hair when it's loose; if he knew, and let me live, I wouldn't even have that.

"They can wait. You're more important,"

Dark eyes look away and it hurts my heart seeing him like this. It's happened a few times since we moved in together after Dekim's coup, and every time I remember the first time we met. How depressed Wufei had been that night... Treize had bested him in a duel, had apparently taken away some honour or another, disgracing the Chinese teen I fell in love with that night.

And how could I not have?

He reminded me of Mid that night, at once so lost and angry and sad. Confused, looking to me with those eyes… Mid had the biggest grey eyes and Wufei's chocolate-coloured ones need to come with a map. I didn't tell her I loved her, and neither can I tell him.

I still regret not telling her, and it was getting easier to forget the merc girl until we moved in together. He just reminds me of her so much, that… spunk. Unwavering sense of balance, of needing to make things right, and that guilt…

"Sofa?" I dry my hands off with a towel, leaving the dishes in the soapy water.

"I do think that's best."

I don't comment though I want to know what that means. Best… The front door is close to it, is he planning on leaving? I follow him through our apartment to the living room and sit on the comfortable sofa we had found together at a furniture warehouse. He hesitates before sitting close to me, our knees almost touching.

Watching his face, I'm not sure what's going on in his head. For all I know it could just be that he wants understanding company after a difficult mission, but something in his posture says differently; this has been on his mind awhile now, and that scares me.

My breath hitches. He's found out, that's the only explanation. Wufei knows I've been wanting him since the war and he's going to kick me out… Or kill me, which just may be kinder.

"I… wished to speak with you." he starts quietly. I nod, silent; if I don't say anything it won't show, he won't see how bad I'm worried. For him of course – I'm worried for me too obviously, but he's so heartbroken-looking right now…

Wufei sighs and bites his lip, a sign he's nervous. Then he clears his throat, straightens with his shoulders back and he looks me right in the eye. "You have to understand, my friend, the heart cannot choose who it is attracted to. It does not care what the mind's argument is and will go about its way without regard. This obviously causes some problems,"

I can feel myself pale, that slight cold draining down my face to my arms.

"I… have spent a long while thinking about this. Especially on nights after such assignments, I, I have had to inform another person of their spouse's death, and it leads me to these thoughts whether I like it or not." He swallows, and I am left teetering – to hope it has nothing to do with me or pray it has everything to do with us? "Admittedly, I find myself in just such a predicament, where perhaps I have allowed my heart too much free reign."

"How so?" Flat – why does my voice always sound so flat when I'm nervous? One would think the syllables would shake or raise an octave…

Wufei takes a deep breath. He looks almost strong then falls completely apart before he can finish putting up that mask. He refuses to look at me, "I do not think you would understand, and that… that's all right. I am not asking you to change, only… please hear me out. I think it's important that we speak of this thoroughly before going further." Dark eyes meet my green ones and he tries to smile, an uneasy hand lifting to rest on my knee in a friendly manner.

"I have found myself too deep to even think about getting out. I," he takes a deep breath, "I seem to have fallen in love."

The admission astounds me. I stare at him blankly for a long while, trying to understand the comment in every way. Finally, it registers, and I slump my shoulders and resign to losing him. I'm not sure if this, knowing he's with someone, hurts more than him knowing and hating me for wanting to be that someone would have.

"That's great, Wufei." Flat, again. Dammit. "Congratulations."

He shakes his head and moves back. "I don't think you understand,"

"No, no, I do. It's fine, I… I can be out in a day or two." I stand and try to leave, to walk away, before he can see how close I am to breaking down. Oh fuck, please let me keep it all in until after I'm alone in my room…

Wufei tilts his head, "You, you're moving out? Why?"

"Well obviously this is why you're telling me this, isn't it?" Stay calm, stay calm, oh fuck I'm losing 'Fei…

He bristles and jumps to his feet. "I-- What?" I must have slipped and shown him a bewildered expression because his chin trembles as he stares at me. "Th-- It is more than obvious that my feelings are not appreciated much less reciprocated, but I was hoping-- but I suppose it's just an excuse either way for you, isn't it?"

"Excuse? For what?"

"To move out! You've probably been waiting for something like this to come up so that you can run off with that girl you've been seeing."

I turn to him again, pausing in my escape for the stairs. What girl? The only women I ever see are the ones at work, and he knows how I feel about the circusfolk being too close like family. "I don't know who you're referring to, Wufei."

He closes off, turning away with an angry wave of the hand. "You think I don't know? You might be the master of stealth and silence, Barton, but maybe you should look into nighttime ballgags!"

The comment takes me aback. I don't know where the hell that came from, "What's that suppose to mean?"

"You say her name in your sleep!" he accuses, whirling around to glare at me. "Even if you didn't, you can't possibly have thought I would not have caught on. You're never here anymore, always off without a reason,"

As I'm staring at his fiery eyes bearing down into my soul, I suddenly realise who he's referring to. "Mid?"

He scoffs, looking hurt just at the sound of her name, and shakes his head in disbelief before trying to break for the kitchen. I grab his elbow, forcing him to stop and look at me. "Mid?" I repeat, and he nods, glaring at the wall. "She was my best friend growing up. I lost her when my mercenary troop was all killed off,"

Wufei's shoulders slump and his face softens a little. He looks at me, a gentle pained expression that says he understands. Perhaps he does -- I vaguely recall him mentioning an arranged marriage with a girl who died before he left with Shenlong. "You… you don't love her?"

I shrug, "I did, as a sister. I'm not in love with her, Wufei,"

Once, I had thought I did; I do not explain this to him. They both betrayed me in hopes it would help them find their way home, and asking Mid to stay only made it that much harder when she left. If he knew… Wufei does not tolerate weakness like that, sentimentality and romantic ideals on pedestals. I fear it would cause one more rift between us if he knew how desperately lonely I had been.

How desperately lonely I still am…

"You're not seeing anyone?" I shake my head again, and he pales a little. "Then… then why the sudden absences? Why do you always run off every night?" Shit, I can't tell him that. I try not to spend too much time with him because it hurts too much, standing beside him without being able to hold him.

"I just… like having time to myself. Time to think, alone," He backs out of my grip and sighs, then nods resignedly. "You… you said she doesn't return your affections? You want some company tonight, I can stay home and we could do something together,"

He gives me an odd look, part frown and part surprise. Then he shrugs, eyes darting off nervously. "I…" A long pause and Wufei closes his eyes with a deep breath before turning them on me. "It is not a girl."

Again I'm startled. Wufei is interested in a guy? A small glimmer of hope rises in my chest, then, "But I do not think us staying in together would work. It would be awkward, I think, at least for tonight."

Shit. I nod, trying to seem nonchalant about it and wave it off, breaking away from him to go for the stairs again. Regardless of the gender of his infatuation -- I cannot even imagine who could at once hold his esteem yet not return feelings -- the fact remains that Wufei is looking for a relationship and I would only be in the way if I continued living here.

"Trowa…" I pause, looking over my shoulder with one hand on the wall to climb the stairs. He shakes his head with a sigh, fists clenched at his sides. "You... You don't understand, do you?" He looks away again. "It's you. It's you who I've found myself irreversibly in love with."

sometimes words make all the difference
and sometimes words get in the way
sometimes words mean nothing at all
when actions say it best
sometimes words can't describe
sometimes they read too much into themselves
and sometimes, words are all you need
to fix the most broken of things

fini--