There are no randomly funny Treasure Planet stories? That will have to be fixed…

Jim was sitting on the roof, throwing rocks at nothing and being antisocial. It was a sunny day, the sort of day that made the Sasuke-like boy depressed and unmotivated.

"I'm so… unmotivated today," Jim muttered, folding his arms and acting pouty and hoping someone would try to cheer him up so he could yell at them. For a while he had been trying to kill finches by throwing rocks at them, but in the end they flew away and there was nothing left to kill. That left him unhappy and disturbed.

"Jim!" said Jim's mom, Mrs. Hawkins, which was sort of more of a Ms. Hawkins because she's a bachelorette, but whatever. She was standing on the ground and shouting up to Jim. She looked annoyed, as she usually does, when Jim's forgotten to do something.

"You won't do. I want someone who can't scold me," Jim hissed, letting only his eyes and the top of his head be seen above the roof.

Mrs./Ms. Hawkins narrowed her eyes. "Do you remember what I told you?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "Don't forget to wear clean underwear. Yeah, yeah…"

"I mean the other thing," she said.

"Oh." Jim rubbed the back of his neck and said, "Always refer to you as captain or ma'am."

"Exactly. So you say?"

"What do you want, Captain Ma'am?" said Jim, and grinned in the enjoyment of being obnoxious.

Jim's mom, who I'll just call Captain Hawkins, glared at him in a very demonic way. "Did you wash the dishes?"

"No." Jim crept back away and started throwing rocks again.

"Did you peel any potatoes?" she asked, her voice growing sterner.

"No."

Captain Hawkins rolled her eyes. "Are you going to say yes to any of these questions?"

"Well, yeah, sure." Jim started widdling into a Popsicle stick with a knife.

"Oh, really, mister? Like what?" his mom asked, putting her hands on her hips.

Jim stabbed the air with his knife. "Did you not peel the potatoes?"

She shook her head. "Honestly, do you enjoy anything about your life?"

"Aw, Captain. Naïve Captain. It is the little things in life that matter." Jim nodded. "Hey… this Popsicle joke is really funny! Okay, what do you get when you cross a skunk and a helicopter?"

"Since when have you cared about the little things?!" Captain Hawkins ignored him completely, as usual.

"Since the little things were solar surfing and trying to kill defenseless birds. Now leave me to my aloneness."

"Hi, Jimmy!" Doppler shouted, racing up.

"Why'd you have to come?!" Jim shouted, gritting his teeth.

"I didn't hear a 'Hi, Doppler'!" Captain Hawkins yelled.

"Hi, Doppler," Jim muttered sulkily.

"Good news, Jim! I built a Potato Peeler 9000!" Doppler said. "It peels potatoes really fast! You really ought to see it!"

"Why don't you go away? I hate the world today," Jim said and folded his arms.

"He's sulking again, isn't he?" Doppler asked Captain Hawkins.

"He's always sulking," she sighed.

"He's always sulking," said Jim.

Captain Hawkins turned back to her son. "I've had enough of your cheek."

"I've had enough of your cheek!" Jim was speaking in a high voice and making faces with big eyes and sticking his tongue out a lot as he said this.

"Two can play at this game," she mumbled to Doppler. "I'll never be an antisocial butterfly again."

"Aw, cheese and crackers." Jim sat back down.

"See, it's all about how you train your children. He may be a naughty boy, but I've taught him to respect and obey his mother," Captain Hawkins explained to Doppler.

"Uh, okay," Doppler said, who was watching Jim do the Obnoxious Dance behind his mom's back.

"I expect those potatoes to be peeled," she said, turning back to Jim who immediately stopped.

"Rodger that, Capitan," Jim saluted.

His mom walked away. Jim sat back on the roof and threw rocks at stuff. He was surprised to see a few moments later that Doppler had (with great difficulty) climbed onto the roof next to him.

"You know, Jim," Doppler began, "I know you don't have a father figure, but that doesn't give you a right to be a typical sulking Disney character."

"Actually, it does. It says so in my contract," Jim contradicted, holding it up.

"Well, still, I hate to see you so sad."

There was a silence. Jim killed a stupid finch with a pebble.

"You know, Jim, sometimes talking about how you feel can make you feel chipper as a checkerboard!" Doppler stated. "Come on. Tell me how you feel. Come on."

"Well, I have a date tonight with this girl named Mindy and I'm sort of worried," Jim explained. "Most girls think I'm too antisocial butterfly to date. I guess I don't have enough charm or something. And I always end up insulting the person I go out with."

Doppler nodded his head a couple of times, then said, "Now that I think about it, I'm really not the person you should be asking for this advice. Your mom probably knows more about girls than me. At least, I should hope so because she is a girl."

"Good idea. But one more thing," Jim said.

"Oh yes, Jim?" Doppler asked standing up.

Jim snickered to himself. "Hee, hee… oh this is good… I'm going to use this on the date…" Jim laughed a little. "Okay, sorry, sorry… What do you get when you cross a skunk… ha, ha… and a helicopter?"

Doppler blinked. "Well, I don't know, but it sounds like a good experi-"

"A smellicoptor! Isn't that just great?" Jim burst into laughter.

"Oh, ha. I get it. Yes, that's quite… clever. Really, clever," said Doppler, trying to sound amused though he didn't think it was clever in the least.

"Okay, well I'm going to go ask my mom for advice now," Jim said and jumped off the roof. Doppler tried to do that to but he landed on his face.

"Hey, Captain, tell me about girls," said Jim.

"Well," said Captain Hawkins, who was mopping the ceiling because there was no time during the day, "We smell nicer than guys… You don't have to confirm that sweetheart."

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't lying," Jim said, sniffing his mom's hat. "And you aren't. Wow, maybe you're smarter than I give you credit for."

"Anyway," said his mom, taking back her hat, "Girls are smarter and prettier than boys. And we're easily offended, which is probably why you can't hold a girlfriend."

"Easily offended… cool." Jim wrote it down.

"You spelled easily with 'E-Z-L-Y'," his mom noted.

Jim grinned, his teeth glinting. "That's how the cool people spell it."

"Oh, how silly of me," Captain Hawkins said sarcastically.

"Wellllll, if you need me, I'll be up in my room practicing how flex my muscles in attractive ways." Jim walked upstairs swankily, flipping his hair and winking at invisible women.

"Jim is getting more and more grown up. But he's not getting smarter or less annoying." Captain Hawkins shook her head.

"Jim is going on a date with someone," Doppler explained.

"Oh, so that's why he was questioning me. I thought he was trying to get me to play Guess-What's-In-My-Sock like he usually does," Captain Hawkins said, relieved.

"Do you have any Ibuprofen?" Doppler asked.

"Captain, do I look awesome for my date?" Jim asked.

"Did you peel the potatoes?" she asked him.

"No, mom; it's did you not the peel the potatoes," Jim corrected, nodding his head.

"If you don't peel the potatoes, you can't date this girl," his mom scolded.

"But mom, it's so boring." Jim folded his arms, turning pouty and antisocial butterfly again.

"Well, that's too bad."

"Well, that's too bad."

"Jim, don't start this with me again."

"Jim don't start this with me again!" Jim crossed his eyes and gave himself antennas with his fingers, which offended some cross-eyed aliens with antennas that were staying at the inn.

Captain Hawkins grinned maliciously. "I'm Jim Hawkins and I stole from my mom's purse."

"I never stole from my mom's purse," said Jim, sounding stupid.

"Doppler," Captain Hawkins cued.

Doppler pressed a button on a recording tape and it said, "I'm Jim Hawkins and I stole from my mom's purse!"

"You horrible boy, you're grounded," Captain Hawkins said.

Jim was mad he was grounded.

He would have to think of a way to sneak off.

"Hi, Jim," said Doppler, coming up to his room. "Did you want to talk some more? Is something bothering you?"

"No. I'm just another animated victim of divorced parents," Jim said with a depressed shrug. "Nothing strange about that."

"Just because it's not strange doesn't mean you shouldn't be sad," Doppler explained.

"Well… I suppose it's not so bad. My dad's face was always covered by a strange fog and I could never see what he looked like," Jim said.

"I never knew my dad," Doppler said.

"That's a pity," Jim said.

"Well… I suppose it's not so bad. Mother always did say if he weren't evil, he'd be robbing a bank," Doppler stated with a shrug.

"Isn't robbing a bank evil?" Jim asked.

"It depends on you look at things," said Doppler.

"Looking at things… cool," Jim said.

"I think your date is outside in the rain," Doppler said.

"Oh, well," Jim said. "Oh! Wait a second!"

Jim opened his window and shouted outside to a dripping wet figure under a streetlight, "Hey! Hey! Mindy!"

Mindy growled. "What?"

Jim giggled. "What do you get when you cross a skunk ... and a helicopter?"

Mindy shouted some rude things back and Jim closed the window.

"Dear me," Doppler gasped.

"That wasn't nearly as funny," Jim said with a frown.

"I'm going back to El Salvador!" Mindy yelled before running away.

So he and Doppler had a bachelor party, made a house out of cards and weren't pirates. And Mindy went back to El Salvador. The end.