Disclaimer: My house belongs to the bank, my work belongs to my boss and my money is always confiscated by my wife. And Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling... Damn...
Albus and Min
by DerLaCroix
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorcerer and generally very full of himself, was strolling down the path next to the lake on this sunny August day.
Deep inside, he knew this would be a perfect day, Harry Potter was safe back with his relatives, and the darker elements of society were well under control. His control.
Turning round a boulder next to the path, he came to an abrupt stop, finding himself confronted by his Deputy.
"Traditionally, this would be the moment to exclaim my surprise, Minerva, but in fact, I've been expecting this," he spoke, carefully stepping into the middle of the space available.
"I've been waiting for this moment for quite a long time," Minerva McGonagall hissed through clenched teeth as she stood opposite of her boss, wand in hand. The site between the lake and the forbidden forest was perfect for her intentions. "You got away with too much over the last years – that's over. This time, you will pay," she growled, her burr becoming more pronounced as her anxiety grew.
Dumbledore took a slow look around, taking in the environment. With a slight smile on his lips, he turned back to his Deputy. "You seem quite sure of yourself, Minerva. How about we make things more interesting? No direct spells? What do you think?" He replied in his sickly sweet grandfather voice.
Minerva bristled under the taunt, but chose to accept his offer, no matter how insulting it was. After a curt nod, she assumed her stance and waited for him to do the same.
When he didn't, she was confused. Just as she opened her mouth to taunt him, Albus suddenly exploded into action. Out of nowhere, his wand was in his hand, and twirled into motion.
Minerva barely avoided the sand under her feet being liquefied by a quick hop that belied her apparent stiffness. On landing, her wand flicked out in the direction of the lake, directing a five foot wave at Albus.
With an insultingly lazy flick of his wand, Albus turned it into a waterspout that raced towards Minerva. She quickly dispelled it, but as the water dropped to the ground, Albus sent a gust of wind in her direction that left her dripping wet and glaring at him.
"This is going to be fun," Albus commented, eyes twinkling, as he added insult to injury by waiting for her to quickly cast a drying charm. Frowning at him while doing so, she snuck an extra flick in, transfiguring some pebbles behind him into vines while he still chuckled.
Another simple spell animated them. Quick like lightning, the animated shrubbery sprang at Albus. It took said victim a risen eyebrow and a swish of his wand to deal with that, but not before a ripping sound was heard. Hastily, Albus checked his robes, finding a tear at his right side.
"I thought you would be above such things as cheap revenge, Minerva," he sighed as he mended his robes.
"Spraying me just for the sake of it isn't exactly classy, either," she huffed back.
"Duly noted," Albus replied. "So, in earnest, then," he said as he slightly lowered his stance, as well as his voice as his face became stony.
Minerva replied by sending a hailstorm at him.
Dumbledore formed it into a three foot snowman, complete with carrot nose and some coal buttons across his chest. While Minerva rolled her eyes at his antics, the abominable snowman in turn charged at her, baring coal-black canines. A brief thought later, she sent a bunch of rabbits at him.
While that combatant was busy protecting his nose from the bunnies hopping around him, she had to dodge some hemp ropes Albus had sent flying at her. As they passed her, she transfigured them into boomerangs, an act that surprised Albus as they did their duty and circled back. Of course, Minerva had slightly adjusted their flight path for them to hit. He had just transfigured one of the rabbits into a fox to relieve his cool helper - currently losing the fight for his nose, badly - as he had to evade one of the projectiles as it narrowly whizzed by his head.
Going by the rule of similarity in size and properties, Albus turned one of the still flying boomerangs into a sparrow. With a sharp cry, the predator did a manoeuvre akin to an Immelmann Turn, and shot towards his target.
That bird proved to be short-lived, as well. As the fox was currently chasing the rabbits across the field, Minerva was forced to deal with the now stub-nosed 'Frosty' and the bird at the same time. Her eyes briefly flicked between those two targets to determine the more pressing need, when she noticed the flight path of the newest adversary. Smirking as she remembered some earlier complaints made by Filch, she turned the snowman into a window pane. She had briefly thought about making it frosted glass, but clear suited her plan better.
While the sparrow struck that barrier with a sound thud, she turned the coals that had dropped to the ground into scorpions. Albus distracted her by turning the glass into a flying quilt that tried to smother her, while he revived the sparrow and turned it into a chicken, a quick inter-species swap.
Minerva countered the quilt with an ironing charm that left it neatly folded and starched at her feet, squirming helplessly. It didn't escape her attention that the chicken made short work of her scorpions, pecking and scratching at them, so she simply accio-ed the fox to land in front of it.
As the chicken turned the same in a flight of feathers and loud clucks, Minerva felt something tug at her robes. Looking down, she saw a small monkey climbing up on her, with the struggling blanket gone.
Simply back-handing it off her, she ignored it for now, instead interfering with Albus' renewed efforts to deal with the scorpions. He almost looked as if he were dancing, stepping and hopping around to evade them, slowing their advance by turning some of them into mongooses.
Albus gave frustrated huff when she simply turned the buttons of his robes into beetles. He again was forced to abandon his current plans in order to avert a major wardrobe malfunction. Stumbling as he got some distance between him and his bodyguard mongooses, he pulled his robes back together. He was glaring daggers at Minerva, who had dared to damage his robes yet again. Simply sewing his clothes shut, he turned the beetles into a swarm of bees in order to retaliate.
When Minerva created an enticing - and enchanted - flowerbed to successfully lure them away, he turned them into flesh-eating plants in a surge of anger. With a devious smirk, he cast a few spells in quick succession at the field, before he was forced to revert his attention to Minerva's creations.
While Albus was again distracted by his elaborate plans, Minerva had simply engorged her scorpions to the size of a cat, which resulted in some most definitely deceased mongooses. When the remaining five of those monstrosities surged at Albus, he briefly considered direct spells, but instead chose to turn the ground into glue, buying some time as the armored terrors struggled against the sticky trap.
Meanwhile, Minerva hadn't been idle, changing the monkey into a donkey, and then into a bull. Panting a bit from the effort as she did two resizing transfigurations, even though she used the simplifying rote-memorized pattern jump steps she taught students in class, she sent it storming at Albus, who conveniently had chosen to wear red that day.
For a moment, Albus looked surprised, but then let a small wall of bamboo skewers grow out of the ground. With no way to avoid those floral pikemen, the bull crashed into that, sending bits and pieces flying before he came to a halt in the defensive line.
Albus had turned to shield his face from the splinters and dirt flying, ripping at his robes, but received no injury. His face growing grim in determination, he flung the corpse over to the field, and used the remaining carnage to send a small tornado of debris at Minerva.
With a couple of flicks, she had turned the debris into a flock of birds. But the ferocity of that attack had surprised her. A few fragments actually managed to hit her, leaving her clothes torn in places, even inflicting a slight cut at her left shoulder, and worst of all, left her normally tight bun with some loose strands.
She had just enough time to regain her footing before she noticed that Albus had risen a column of clay out of the ground. At first, she thought he was as exhausted as she was, and chose to hide behind a barrier. She almost cried out "Not fair!" when that column started sprouting arms, legs, and began stalking towards her.
Stumbling backwards, panting, she frantically tried to come up with an easy counter to let her regain her strength. Her face lit up when her gaze fell upon a fallen tree log at the boundary of the forest.
Three cutters laid that trunk bare of branches, and an overpowered pencil sharpening charm created a conveniently pointy end. All done while dodging the groping hands of Albus' puppet.
Of course, this had not escaped Albus' notice, but his wand was currently bound with controlling the mud golem. In order to counter her efforts, he moved the golem between her and her handiwork, obstructing her view. When she took a quick look in his direction, he tipped his hat to her, smiling broadly at her, still controlling his construct.
Minerva smirked back sourly. Without visual contact, summoning a tree log wouldn't work that near to a forest - she would be pelleted by wood from all sides. Her smirk grew satisfied when she had an idea, and yelled "Accio pointy end."
In accordance to her plan, the log firmly embedded itself in the mud torso.
"And now?" Albus taunted her, his construct's movement not inhibited much by the piece of wood sticking in its back. He proved that by letting it dance a little jig, albeit a mightily clumsy one.
Minerva suppressed the urge to smile - he could fool a lot of people, but not her. Such antics were a sign of exhaustion. Creating that mud man had taken a lot out of him. It was a gamble - and a good one. Controlling it was easy, and at such close quarters and under anti-apparition wards, it was a deadly threat.
She let the smile come forth as she levelled her wand at her dancing target. "Now, we crank up the heat - Incendio!"
Instantly, the log blazed into fire, engulfing the figure in flames. Within moments, dry crumbs of dirt were falling like snowflakes as the water, and with it all cohesion, evaporated.
Minerva had to take a few steps backwards to avoid the flailing arms reaching for her as the thing advanced on her, shrinking, breaking and reforming constantly.
For a moment, Minerva was satisfied, but then, it occurred to her. "Why doesn't he drop the spell?" it shot through her mind, and the answer was given by several tentacles winding around her arms and body. The force behind the grip was so much that she lost the grip of her wand, leaving her helpless as the huge Venomous Tentacula lifted her up and moved her above the huge bloom in the middle. She couldn't even transform, exhausted as she was. Albeit in her current position it only would result in the plant losing out on a big meal for a snack.
Her eyes fell on the dry husk of the bull, which had served as convenient meal to let the plant grow so fast, and as the bloom opened to reveal its teeth, she realized that Albus had just used the golem to distract and herd her.
"Petrificus totalus," Albus' voice rang out, and the plant stopped moving, with Minerva dangling in the air. "Do you yield?" he asked with more than a bit of mirth in his voice.
"Yes, Merlin be damned, I yield, ya bloody Sassenach!" she yelled, her mood quite less sunny than his. "Now get me down from here!"
"You know, it's always a pleasure to bargain with you, Minerva," he chuckled as he cut the vines and levitated her down gently.
"Oh shut it, Albus," she huffed as she bent to retrieve her wand. "I nearly had you, and you know it. Next year, I'll win us the pay raise," she huffed, and marched off to inform the rest of the staff of the results of the annual wage bargain duel, a tradition dating back to the founders themselves.
AN:
This little tidbit had me in its tiny claws and wouldn't let me be, but after a long, heroic struggle, I managed to ban it onto parchment.
Beware - never play tuba while doing a handstand in its vicinity, or you will have to bear the consequences.
Yes, I admit that I saw various (two, to be precise) movies that inspired this. So sue me...
What? You want an AN shorty, as well? Have you no shame?