The lax features, the glazed eyes, the empty expression, the blood, the brokenness, the deadness...Levi's seen it all before. So, so many times. So he doesn't understand why he cares so much when he sees Petra's body. His wife's body.
No, it's not that he doesn't understand. He knows exactly why he cares. He loves her. She loved him. He's never going to see that cheerful smile again, or gaze into those big, beautiful amber eyes, or whisper with her late at night, or listen to her beautiful voice singing when she thought no one was listening. He'll never hold her again, or allow himself a grudging smile at one of her jokes. She always was the only one who could make Levi smile.
But he doesn't understand why the sight of her body affects him. He knows why he cares that she's dead, but this death is no different from anything Levi's ever seen. Yet, as he stands there, listening to the retrieval squad collect his friends, the only sounds the rustling of cloth and footsteps, trying to contain the tears pushing painfully at the backs of his eyes, he wants to vomit. She's just so broken, and lifeless, and her blank, lifeless eyes stare into a sky she doesn't see, and blood streaks her cheek and hair, and he's seen it all before but suddenly it's just so horrible and he can't look but he can't tear his eyes away and he can't move and he just wants to die right there but he can't and...fuck.
He can practically still see the word Captain still on her lips.
"Levi!" someone calls. He doesn't turn around. "You demanded to come with us because you wanted to take her, correct? I know it's hard, but grab her and let's go. We don't want to be around if the Titans come knocking." The soldier says it so breezily, so apathetically, and it pisses Levi off.
Gritting his teeth, Levi whirls around and marches up to the offender, seizing a handful of his collar and yanking him down to eye level. "I don't need you to grieve for my dead wife, or mourn the loss of people you never knew or cared about. But I am asking that you get your shit together and show some fucking respect for the brave people who gave their fucking lives to save your sorry ass, and what do they get? Grab her and let's go? They're not just objects. They were people. They had-have-names and families and lives outside of the military and you talk about them like we're picking our firewood up off the ground to take back home. This is exactly why I came with you guys. People like Petra"-he almost chokes on the name-"deserve more than heartless motherfuckers like you handling her like a toy rather than the beautiful, loving, courageous, optimistic, incredible person she was." He can feel a single hot tear roll down his cheek, but there are more behind his eyes. In his throat, choking him. He can't breathe.
Leaving the retrieval squad staring at him, he returns to Petra and brushes a single strand of hair out of her face, then pulls her away from the tree and hugs her tightly, feeling the two halves of her broken spine grate against one another beneath his arms. "I'm so sorry," he murmurs as if she can hear him. "God, Petra, I am so, so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He knows she can't. Never again. Not anymore. For the first time he doesn't even care about the blood getting all over his face, his arms, his hands, his uniform. As long as he can hold her one more time.
Tenderly, with more gentleness than he thinks he's ever used, he lifts her into his arms, hugging her to him. "Let's go," he says, voice hollow and thick with the tears he's trying to restrain.
He follows the retrieval squad back to the Corps and watches carefully as the men waiting in the carts begin wrapping the bodies in white cloth. One of them closes Petra's eyes, and Levi has to stop himself from protesting. She deserves to rest, to sleep. She's done well. Even if he never gets to see those gorgeous honey eyes again, she deserves to rest. He certainly doesn't. It's his fault. It's all his fault and he can never correct it.
They've been running for a while when someone shouts an alarm and they see the Aberrants bearing down on them, lured by two foolish soldiers. Levi can't believe he has to do this-I'm sorry, Petra. I'm so sorry-but..."Abandon the bodies," he orders. The men want to argue, but he silences them with a glare, and they grit their teeth. The first corpse is pushed out of the cart and is trampled by a Titan. The next is Petra. Time seems to slow down as her auburn hair whips around her face, mouth partly open, blood smearing on the cloth, and then she hits the ground with an ugly, dull thud. He looks away. He can't watch.
They're walking through the Karanese District in Wall Rose. They've almost made it home. Now they just have humanity to face. "Daddy!" cries a familiar little voice. Oh, shit, no.
A little girl bursts out of the silent crowd and runs up to Levi, auburn hair waving as she begs to be picked up. He obliges even though he doesn't think he has the strength to even walk the rest of the way. "Where's Mommy?" the little girl asks, golden eyes wide and trusting. Everything about her is Petra. There is not a trace of Levi in this child.
"She's gone," he murmurs. He can see some women out of the corners of his eyes with their hands over their mouths.
"But when will she get back?"
He doesn't have the heart to tell the little girl shhe never will. "I don't know, Isabel."
"Okay! We'll wait, right?"
His voice is weirdly strangled when he replies. "Of course, sweetheart." She'll be waiting forever for her mother to come back. And Levi will be waiting forever to see his wife again.
When he tucks his daughter into bed, he remarks, not for the first time, that she is basically a tiny incarnation of her mother. She is so Petra. Entirely, utterly Petra. From her reddish auburn hair to her deep golden eyes to her smile to the way she brushes her hair out of her face. There is no Levi. Under normal circumstances he'd be glad for that.
But now, he's not sure whether his precious, tiny little Petra-Isabel-is a blessing or a curse.