Forgive my grammar mistakes please but i really want to share this with you it came from my mind today I don't know why but I hope you like it. I'm not ready for season 4 =(
Silver Lining – Chapter 1: Carson
Everybody was looking for her, worried since that day she was like a body without feelings or thoughts. Carson was going all over the house but suddenly he reminded a place where Mary used to hide when she was a little girl. He went out. It was so cold. And rain was coming.
He found her. She sits on the bench. Their bench.
"Milady, is too cold out here, why don't you come inside?" Mary was impassive. She was remembering every single minute she spent with him on that bench. Oh she hates it. "Milady?" Carson stood in front of her for several minutes then he decided to sit just besides her, took off his jacket and put it on Mary's shoulders. "Not very professional, I know Lady Mary."
There was silence. Just sounds of nature. Unexpectedly, a thunder.
"I don't feel cold, Carson. I don't feel. " Carson put his arm on Mary's shoulders.
"It's why I'm here. To take care of you." A smile, like a father's one.
"And why you should do that?" Finally Mary turns up to him.
"Because I care for you. I knew you were feeling cold out here."
"You shouldn't. I know you all downstairs think I'm an unbearable person. My life is a burden." Mary's voice was cold, calm, without any emotion.
"I saw you growing up here milady. I saw you struggling for your future, for your family and now I want you to struggle for your life."
"I don't have a life. Not anymore. " Oh If he can only took away some pains from her Mary.
"You had a life. You can have it again. With your son." In the past months not even George couldn't brought some joy to her. Nothing seems to help her.
"I thought for a moment that that baby was the best thing ever happen into my life. But now I blame myself because he has no family. No father. No mother. He is a poor baby. I can't be his mother." Carson started to see something different in Mary's eyes. She was whispering to him and it were months since Lady Mary talked so much with anybody.
"You are going to be a wonderful mother, milady." He said it with a smile. Hearing that phrase Mary feels an unbearable pain in her heart. So it was still there? Her heart? What was this sensation? She can't even breathe. Suddenly It was too much.
"He was the only one to think that. The only one. Even I have never thought that." And tears come. Finally. Mary was still but she can't stop these damn tears to come down her face. Like a fountain without an end.
"For that matters, milady, I think that too. Master George is lucky to have you has a mother."
"Oh Carson…how can you say such a thing? I can't. Don't you see? I can't stay with him, in the same room. I can't hold him in my arms! I can't look at him! I can't look in his eyes… I just…I can't. It hurts. Every time I see my baby I…" she started to sob. Intensely.
She rested on Carson's shoulder and wept. She wept. As she wanted to do since that day
"He is Matthew." Mary never said again aloud Matthew's name since the day of his death. She was broking in pieces in Carson's arms. "I can't do this without him. I can't survive in a world of strangers. I have nothing to give. "
"Don't say that milady. You can give so much love to your son. " Mary looked at him with disbelief. How can somebody talk to her about love. Love? Oh Life was so much easier when she pretend to be a girl without a heart. Damn you Matthew Crawley. Why you have to find so much love in my heart.
"I don't think there will be any more love in my life." She pulled herself together. Trying to hide the signs of tears on her face. Carson was used to see how Lady Mary can put a mask on her in one minute. There she was again. A broken woman. Without hope. Without love. Empty. She gave him back his jacket.
"Can I tell you something milady? And I'm talking to the girl who cried in my arms eight years ago because she taught had ruined her life not accepting Mister Crawley's proposal. Just Here. In this place." Mary motionless, simply nodded to continue. "What you feel when you see Master George is love. You love him. You think you can't but you do. Hold him, talk to him, and be with him. It will break your heart again at first. But one day milady you will live just to hold your son in your arms. You can't hurt him. I'm sure he will love you more than everybody in this world. He will learn to know you. The real you. "
She stood up, Carson just after her. Mary took a deep breathe. Life seemed a terrible suffering for her, she made a few steps, then looked up to the sky.
"I feel cold. It's better come inside."
"As you wish milady."
Carson walked for the entire garden a few steps after her. Just before coming in she turner to him.
"Thank you, Carson. You always take care of me." Not a smile not an emotion in her voice.
"I will always do it, Lady Mary."
"Always is a dreadful word, Carson. You must be careful not to make promises." Matthew always used that word. And now? She was alone. With no always, no future. And no husband. Every times she taught of him , she can see his smile, his lovely face. Imagining him just inside the house waiting for her, but nobody was waiting for Lady Mary Crawley.
"Maybe milady. I know for sure that some things never change, they last forever as my devotion for you. " Mary was truly touched by Carson words she knew how deeply he cares for her.
She tried to smile, but it was just a shadow of how she used to smile months before. Carson watched her coming inside. Mary went on her bedroom finding there Anna who was relieved to see her.
"Can you say to the nanny I will spend some hours in the nursery and I want to be alone." Anna was surprised by her request. Just a half hour later Mary entered in the nursery, she saw Sybbie sleeping peacefully. She sat, keeping distance from George's cradle. For a few minutes she watched him but it was too much. She just can't look in his blue eyes. She almost run to the door but then George started to yawn that sound was so cute, the cutest thing she heard in a very long time. Mary turned around him, went to the cradle and there he was her beautiful baby boy.
George was smiling at her. Mary almost envied him, he didn't know how cruel this world could be. Carefully she put her hand on George's feet , it was a cold , insecure touch when Mary found his little hand the baby tightened strongly her finger. She felt a strange feeling, tears came down her face.
"I can't…" whispering left the room.
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