because fredashi is perf and this is for bunnikkila
since Fred is Ainu in the comics, I incorporated some Ainu culture into my mixed!passing!Fred here. the more you know lol
disclaimer: I don't own the copyrighted material within
It's been 2 hours since the fire, and Fred feels himself cracking.
The hospital is packed, stilted breaths stifling in the air, and can you believe that 2 hours ago Tadashi was right next to his side? A man, a person, a whole human being, is hidden behind closed doors and Fred still tastes him on his lips, can feel soft skin imprinted in his palms' memory. The charred body found by the auditorium doors can't possibly be Tadashi, good gods no—Tadashi can't die by fire, Kamuy Fuchi wouldn't welcome a son into the hearth by such a painful death. No, Tadashi can't die at all
Fred can't comprehend this
and Cass Hamada cries when the doctors confirm that Tadashi Hamada is dead. She wails in all the ways that true lamenters wail from the heart and Hiro's pale lips open shut with no sound, and this can't be true Tadashi was just there Fred had just said I love you dude just to hear Tadashi laugh
Fred feels a happy world slip between Tadashi stained fingers to shatter on the scorched earth, and the fallout echoes in the deep places of his soul.
It's been 4 days since Tadashi's death, and Fred can't do this no he certainly can't
but Cass is a pro at arranging quick and lovely funerals, having lost her sister brother in law mother father mother in law father in law aunts uncles cousins so many Hamadas and Rudolphs and others that Tadashi once pointed out in a dusty family album.
It rains and this was an unjust death, Fred would rage at the gods and burn down Tadashi's room as per tradition but that is in absolutely horrible taste. Instead he dresses in his Sunday best, leaves the sword at home, and comforts his friends. Wasabi is a wreck behind closed doors because his minds circles around the ash oh gods the ashes sticking to the firefighters' suits and fingernails, did Hiro smell his brother burn?
He did, Fred sees Hiro sitting at the top of the stairs, pale lips opening shutting with no sound, and
what does he say
when last night all he did was scream into his covers and beg for a do-over, a trip into the netherworld, a superhero rescue with the aid of the supernatural
when all they have is a heavy urn and a smoke stained hat.
So Fred says nothing, and rages at the injustice behind cellophane smiles.
It's been 2 days since Tadashi's funeral, and Fred finally cracks.
It's such a simple trigger, Fred tripping over an old dinosaur stuffy. But that stuffy is the stuffy that Tadashi won him at the fair a year ago, before Fred could put a name to the sprites fluttering in his chest. Fred picks up the dinosaur and can't smell Tadashi's cologne anymore only ash
and chokes on a wail
and realizes that half the figurines and toys and media in his room came from Tadashi. Bargain hunting with Tadashi, tracking down rare valuables with Tadashi, wasting $15 on an unfair claw machine with Tadashi, being spoiled by Tadashi because Tadashi knew how rich Fred was but wanted to give him a gift every day anyway, even if it's just a stupid little stuffed dinosaur
Fred rips at the stitching and yanks out the fluff inside, imagining broken bones and burnt flesh instead. It's all he can sense, Tadashi's death throes beneath a pillar as his skin peeled back to reveal the heart that stole Fred's so long ago, and all of these reminders have to go they have to go right now
Heathcliff finds Fred shrieking and covered in blood, because punching through a glass pane to shred at his heartache is dangerous. But isn't everything dangerous? They never figured out what caused the fire, you know, it could've been a power outlet, a TV cord, a stuffed animal too close to a heater grate
Fred's led into the bathroom so Heathcliff can wrap his wounds and sweep away all the mess. It's a process, he says, Master Frederick needs to take life one day at a time now, he says.
Fred looks at what he's done to Tadashi's gifts, and agrees.
It's been 3 days since Fred's meltdown, and Fred smiles at his handiwork.
Little sticky notes reminding himself not to touch Tafashi's surviving gifts pepper his room, and his holographic fireplace is set to permanent on. Kamuy Fuchi won't take anyone else into the hearth now that Fred's is roaring with Technicolor flames, and surely all the other house-bound gods are pleased at Fred finally
finally
doing his laundry. Tadashi appreciated Fred's recycling, always remarking its sustainability whenever Heathcliff or Honey freaked out, but Fred needed to clean up his place a bit, get everything back in balance
and his throat finally feels better, Fred's embarrassed at how his voice cracked during his freak out. Good thing his parents are never home, they would've been mortified at little Freddy's screaming, at how his nose ran and his eyes swelled up and the ugly red scratches on his neck from where he tore at the sounds he made
Fred looks at his room, how clean it is, and remembers how he cleaned it up nicely when Tadashi came over for the first time. But now there's sticky notes and fewer toys and no Tadashi lounging on his bed, and he weeps into his hands, making sure to keep quiet and not bother the ash still drifting in the auditorium.
It's been 5 days since Fred cleaned his room, and he hides his sneer under a mask.
A literal mask this time, he thinks it's some sort of neko mask, and this whole mandatory grief counseling session is as stupid as the great New 25 crap that Di-Shi Comics tried pulling a few years back. No, he doesn't want to describe the rawness in his gut, much less with an "anonymous" mask, and no he doesn't want to be here at all really, can he go now?
Gogo left, the one kid who could benefit from this is holed up in the Lucky Cat Café, and Fred's not even a student at SFIT why is he even here?!
Another student who didn't know Tadashi cries for him and that's bullshit, Tadashi didn't have some hokey special relationship with whomever this no-face is. Fred, Fred was the one who had a relationship with him, it was quiet and unnamed and they weren't planning on outing themselves for a few weeks after the fire because they wanted Hiro all sorted out and Baymax's reveal to be set
Fred gets up, rips his mask off, and storms out.
He goes all the way home, blowing off a concerned Wasabi, and grabs a bat
but doesn't go through with smashing his ceiling lights because Tadashi helped him install it and the sticky note is still fresh looking, no dust replacing ash, no faded ink replacing finger stains
Fred asks Heathcliff if this counts as a meltdown but Heathcliff commends Master Frederick for controlling his anger. He then sends Fred outside to blow off this anger, and Fred screams at the sky some more. The sky never answers or sends a mutant space bear demon for him to grapple with, but he imagines his hologram fireplace to flare with his outrage, and that's going to have to be enough for now.
It's been 8 days since Fred left SFIT, and his heart stops when he finds the knife.
It's a carved knife he made himself, still incomplete and rather plain when compared to his grandfather's or Gilly Gladiatrix's of The Adventures of Hosthnor #15, but he's proud of it. There's even ivory and antler he's set into the wood, and he runs his thumb over the detailing and wishes that Tadashi could've been cremated with it
because it was supposed to be his, when he and Tadashi would come out together.
Traditionally, men would carve knives to display their availability towards women, a display beam of "hey, I can work with my hands and shape the world and the spirits with in, call me!" from their belts. Once engaged, they'd give their best to their sweethearts, and yeah this is waaaaay more serious than Fred intended, but this knife was made for Tadashi, how can he just keep it now?
He runs his thumb over the carvings over and over, like his thumb over Tadashi's knuckles, ribs, collarbone, cheeks, ridiculously adorable and attractive nose that Tadashi felt was too hook-ish to be truly handsome but Fred loved anyway
loves anyway
It takes the rest of the night and Fred's nowhere near finished by the time Heathcliff drags him to bed, but the knife glints in the purple firelight, a promise that Fred wonders if he can keep.
It's been 8 days since Fred found the knife, and he still dreams of Tadashi.
Not the dreams he had of him before the fire, when everything glowed rose and lust budded like strawberry seeds under Fred's skin and he woke up gasping and clutching at his sheets. No, these dreams glow with gold, Tadashi smiling and tilting his head like come on let's get out of here and the feel of his skin.
Fred knows these dreams are just dreams and begs Tadashi to linger in them, so Fred can soak up more of Tadashi's private sun before he faces the waking world and its rage. Sometimes Tadashi dances away into the flames, leaving a broken world behind until Fred startles himself away.
But sometimes he stays, and Fred strings together long yukar sagas to made Tadashi's eyes widen and light up. Here Fred can use every language he knows to fill in the gaps that English can leave, and he calls Tadashi his everything, his beloved, his sweetheart, his one-and-only, his kukorkur—"the person I have".
Fred doesn't have Tadashi anymore though, not really, and Tadashi tells him so with a gentle smile. Kamuy Fuchi cradles Fred in the warmth of his grief and Fred knows his, he knows this, he's so so sorry that they never got to truly be together beyond not!dates and stolen kisses, that he never gave Tadashi his gift
Tadashi tells Fred to wake up and finish that knife, so that when he's an old man after a long happy life, he may gift that knife to Tadashi properly and tell him all the yukar he's missed of San Fransokyo. Fred promises, and wakes up
and Heathcliff makes him enough hot chocolate to flood a small country. The taste is warm and comforting, and Fred leans against his butler in silence, considering the sum of the previous days.
It's been 6 days since Fred binged on hot chocolate, and he brings it to school to show his fellow Ainu Studies students.
They geek out over the premium materials and demand where the hell Fred got it, then geek out some more when Fred shows off the little blisters he got from working the wood, bone and antler. Prof. Kaizawa takes him aside after class and commends him for his work, remarking that the knife seems suited for a beloved rather than for a tool.
Fred smiles with the pain in his heart because it's true, and the pain doesn't feel angry, instead it feels relieved that someone anyone can appreciate what he feltfeels?felt for Tadashi.
Fred then goes to mascot at SFIT and shows off the knife to his friends, and Honey catches on before the others, whispering oh Freddy and pulling him into a hug he didn't know he wanted. Then Wasabi, then Gogo, and now they know, and they agree that it would've been wonderful
and Fred cries, soft and snotty nosed, and feels the warmth of the hearth that his friends bring to his life.
When he gives the knife to Cass, saying that it was meant for Tadashi, she understands as well, and helps him place it at Tadashi's headstone. He cries again once she's out of earshot, and says I love you, dude
and when Tadashi doesn't answer, Fred learns how to keep his chin raised.
It's been 30 days since Fred began his cycle of healing, and he's afraid that Hiro's about to do the same.
No contact from Hiro for weeks, until out of the blue Baymax calls the whole gang together. Fred thunks his head against the window because by failing Hiro he's failed Tadashi, and he obviously never deserved Tadashi in the first place then.
But that's alright, because if Fred can drag himself out of all that rage and despair, then Hiro can bounce back with all the glory that Hamada boys are capable of.
Wasabi pulls into the docks, and Hiro's up to something bad, and Fred begins the help. "Hi, my name is Fred, and it's been 30 days since—"
it's been whatever days since this all started, and fred tells hiro that he loved his brother, and hiro hugs him tight around the middle, saying that tadashi deserved no one less
and the hearth is warm, the gods flicker between the trees, and the knife sits upon a headstone, waiting for fred to go and bring it to tadashi himself
this was originally gonna be a bit longer but I didn't wanna run it into the ground XD