Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara
It all started when the boy cried monster.
Monster…
Everything was supposed to be a game… everything was supposed to be fun… until one day it wasn't anymore. Not that day, when he realized something.
He had known many things about many people, he had predicted so many things from so many people, but if there was one person who was the most predictable of all, he supposed it'd be himself. The one in the midst of chaos… always.
He was lying to himself. He didn't quite remember when, but he knew this habit started a long time ago. He told himself now, that everything was fun… even though it really wasn't. No, really his entire world would fall apart at this moment if he allowed it.
The moment they had met it was like the fire met the kindle. He fed kindle to the flames, making it burn brighter and brighter. He'd never thought about what would happen once he hadn't anymore kindle to give. He never thought how in the end, no matter how beautiful his plans had seemed, after the fire died the only thing left would be an ashy mess of what was once beautiful.
Had it been a lie? Had his fun been a lie? Had everything he'd ever done, everything he'd ever stood for been a lie? How could he allow himself to feel something he didn't want to feel, see something he didn't want to see, and understand something he didn't want to understand.
He didn't want to feel the acceptance, he didn't want to see everything click into place, and most of all, he didn't want to understand what was left.
He felt like all his life he'd been pretty acceptant, going with the flow of chaos he initiated, allowing people to do what they would while he stood from afar, observing.
This was no longer satisfactory.
Because now he understood.
He understood that there were some things in this world he could not accept. And this was definitely one of these things. He could not accept him, or rather, he could not accept what he represented.
His failure.
He could not accept Shizuo Heiwajima. Could not accept that he was human, could not love him, could not understand him… he was only a monster… or that's what he drilled into himself.
But even with these conclusions, somehow… through it all, Shizuo was loved by people, by humans, HIS humans. And it wasn't fair.
Why did a monster get love? Why did people like him? Why was he sympathized with? What did Shizuo have that he was missing? It must've been something rather large, though he couldn't understand what… he couldn't see what. And he never had,
Until now, that is.
He watched as Shizuo ripped another sign from the ground and hurled it at him. He dodged, laughing. It was amusing how Shizuo was so emotional and got so bent out of shape when he called him names. It was hilarious, and empowering and… he supposed after so long, it was rather predictable. But, he knew not to get too settled in to such a routine. After all, one of the reasons he hated Shizuo was because he was unpredictable, another was that he was a monster, and the thing he hated most about him, was that he could be loved by humans, of course.
He noticed the sign Shizuo threw, impale itself in a brick wall, almost hitting a small child in the head. His eyes rolled over the child for a moment before his attention turned back to his plaything.
Shizuo kept stalking forward, obviously even more enraged. He didn't even know what Shizuo hated about him so much. Was it the smirk, his taunting words, his tendency to be involved with everything chaotic? There really were so many options. It was fun, trying to understand why a human hated him.
He laughed again, allowing Shizuo to come closer, when the two of them were cut off by the loud wails of the child Shizuo almost hit. He didn't pay any attention to it, he was a little busy having fun. But Shizuo paused and glanced at him, and then at the child, him and then at the child.
He was greatly amused by this indecisiveness. What was more important? Him or a tiny brat? He had never even given thought to the fact he wouldn't be chosen but… then he was abandoned there on the street as Shizuo walked over to the kid instead.
He didn't understand… he had been left, for a stupid child? It unnerved him greatly and it even infuriated him. Was he really so replaceable, so easily ignored?
It… it kind of made his chest hurt. "Oh Shizu-Chan~." He crooned. "What're you doing over there?" Shizuo promptly ignored him and he could hear the blonde man asking the child what was wrong and then the kid blabbing about everything on the face of the Earth.
He had just been ignored… the feeling grew. "Shizu-Chan!" it came out a tiny bit angrier than he meant it to sound, but Shizuo answered him this time. The answer though, was not Shizuo chasing after him.
"Not now you stupid flea. Go do something else, I'm sure there's LOTS of other people you can go bother."
He frowned and stared as Shizuo straightened up from his crouch and led the kid off to help him find his mother…
He stood there for a few minutes, that frown still on his face as he thought. He had just been abandoned.
Was he really so… so bland that Shizuo could simply walk away from him? Was he not as infuriating to the blonde as he had thought? He didn't… he didn't understand.
In the end, there was nothing left to do but stick his hands in his pockets and walk away. He hoped his face didn't show as much shock as he felt.
He wondered if people liked Shizuo because he helped people… helped good people who needed him. Shizuo had quelled his rage for that kid, just so he could help him.
He never would've done that. He knew that if he was on a war path he wouldn't stop to help a kid on the street. Hell, he wouldn't do that even if he wasn't on a war path.
The walk back to his apartment in Shinjuku helped him sort of reflect on these things. In the past he'd gathered a lot of information on Shizuo, yet somehow he had missed this… he had missed it.
He stood outside his apartment in Shinjuku, still thinking quietly on this, when the answer hit him. It was truly almost like a ton of bricks with how heavy he felt immediately after the revelation. Shizuo… despite his faults, was good. He tried to help people who needed him… Shizuo probably did a lot of other good things he had missed.
Indeed, even if he was a monster he was loved because he was seen by people as good.
Ever since he met Shizuo it had always seemed unfair to him. How could Shizuo be loved even though he had monstrous strength? And how could he be hated even though he was human?
The answer finally came to him, though he didn't particularly like it. A good monster was loved just as much as a good person, just as a bad monster was hated much like a bad person.
He supposed this meant he was to be hated. After all, even HE knew he wasn't a good person… and being hated was alright. He had accepted that a very long time ago. What he couldn't accept was that Shizuo was loved even though he was a monster. It just wasn't fair!
He remembered so many people in his life who had looked at him in disgust, in horror, and in hatred.
A certain memory rolled over in his mind as he thought this. He remembered his mother, who, as she lay dying had whispered to him, "I hate you, devil. You are a monster, Izaya. No matter how human you appear remember that… you are a monster." He remembered her words, though he'd never given them much thought as he'd been too busy celebrating his mother's death. He didn't much like her, after all, even though he loved her, because she was a human. And even though she hated him, he knew he had always and would always love her unconditionally. He had celebrated because she'd reacted just as he thought. He didn't anticipate the monster speech, but he'd never dwelled on it too much.
He'd always thought it was a bit of a waste, though, that calling him a monster was all his mother had to say to him in her final moments.
But he remembered it now, and combined with all other things he had thought today it… it started to fall into place and cold iciness crept up on him like an unshakable stalker. No matter how human he appeared he was a monster and now he thought that… that maybe it was the opposite for Shizuo. Maybe, no matter how monstrous he appeared in the end, he was entirely human.
He tried to dismiss these facts, because if they were so than that meant he would have to love Shizuo because he was a human, and that just wouldn't do! Not when he'd spent so long harboring such hatred for him, and everything he was.
But what he had just thought could not be unthought. And well… this meant he either loved Shizuo like he loved all humans, or he failed in his quest to forgive and love every last one of them.
Neither option appealed to him.
As he thought this over, in the end he couldn't love Shizuo like he loved his humans. It was impossible, so he chose to ignore his realization, even though something felt hard in the pit of his stomach.
And he acted as if he didn't have a care in the world, skipping down the sidewalk, humming quietly to himself, looking forward to the next fight he'd have with Shizuo.
He was unhappy with the conclusions he had reached so he acted like they didn't exist, even though he could never not understand, he could never not see, and he could never not feel anymore, and he hated it.
Because now he was forced to understand that Shizuo's monstrous strength wasn't enough for people to hate him, and it wasn't enough to make him not human.
And that brought him to the real reason he hated Shizuo Heiwajima. Even though, he had monstrous strength, a monstrous temper, a monstrous rationalization, through everything, Shizuo had managed to remain human.
And it hurt his heart, to think this, it hurt to know the truth. He clenched his fingers inside his coat pocket, remembering all the crimes he'd done, and all the crimes he'd helped with. He'd never really been good, he realized. Even as a child, he had been so off, so different.
It was why he was given hope when he met Shizuo. A monster, someone just like him, someone who understood what it felt like to be hated. But Shizuo didn't, he did not meet his expectations. He was loved, he was human, he didn't fully understand what it meant to hate yourself.
And Shizuo, despite how much he hated it, how much he tried to deny it, the blonde monster was human. More human than even most humans.
But he had not been quite so lucky.
In the back of his mind, he supposed he had always known, and he would always know… but now he was forced to acknowledge it… now, he knew with a cold certainty that at the end of the day it didn't really matter what he said to Shizuo at all. Not when he had always known for certain that he was the true monster.
A/N So this is my first fanfic in another fandom, and it's my first Durarara fic. I really wanted to try and keep Izaya in character but... I'm not sure I really succeeded haha... I'm wondering if I should make a second chapter and turn it into a Shizaya fic at some point (I know it's common, but I really love the pairing). So, what would you think of that? I don't know myself, but I could definitely see myself doing it in the future. If you guys liked it reviews would be great! So, thanks for reading, I really hope it wasn't too bad. I guess I'll see you guys later. Bye!