Thanks to Steph for helping me think of a title. :-)
I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I pressed his number and held the phone to my ear. I got up and started pacing the room, trying to calm my nerves as the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hi Seth," I said.
"Hi, how you doing," said Seth. He paused. "You're, calling me?"
"Yeah, I'm calling you," I said. I was never usually one to instigate a phone conversation, but I needed to talk to someone. "How are you?"
"Oh, well I'm on tour with the band," said Seth.
"Yeah, I heard, congratulations." I heard Seth smile as I congratulated him.
"What are you up to?" asked Seth.
"Working, as usual," I said, sitting on the arm of the sofa, wanting to sit down but still too jittery to do it properly. "I've got the er, flat to myself for six months: Cam's in New York."
"Mwah ha, it's a big deal," said Seth.
"Yeah, parties every night," I said, using my now go-to lie.
Seth laughed. "Nice."
I paused for a moment. Now for the reason I really called: "I miss you."
Seth was silent.
"Seth?"
"Trace, this is tough," he began. "I've met this girl, on tour..."
I felt my chest tighten and my breathing being to speed up. I needed to end this phone call, now. "What was that Mike? Yeah, yeah, I'm just coming. Um, sorry Seth, it's, it's Mike I've gotta go."
"Tracy, listen..." said Seth.
I hung up on him, standing up and putting my free hand on my chest. It was the same feeling I had whenever I woke from a nightmare, and I couldn't breathe. I made my way to the sofa and sunk down onto it, dropping my phone to my side and putting my head in my hands. The only person left to help was gone, and I could tell it wasn't going to be long before I fell apart in front of the kids.
And Mike would be so angry if I did that, telling me the kids came first and I should leave my problems at home.
I couldn't face that.
I was startled as my phone rang again and Seth's face came onto the screen. I answered it and held the phone to my ear.
"What?"
"Tracy, I'm sorry," said Seth. "I shouldn't have said that, and..."
"I don't care," I said. "If that's all you wanted to say then leave me alone."
Seth was silent for a moment. "What's up?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, feigning ignorance. "Nothing's up."
"It sounded like you had a panic attack or something before you hung up," said Seth. "Something's wrong."
I sighed, tears coming to my eyes. "I hate it on my own."
"Oh..." said Seth.
"It's just, it's so lonely, and..." I trailed off.
"I understand," said Seth. He paused for a moment. "Have you spoken to Mike?"
"No," I said. "He's angry enough with me already."
"I'm sure he's not," said Seth. "I know Mike, and he's not like that. You should talk to him."
"Why can't I talk to you?" I asked.
"Because I'm at the other end of the country," said Seth. "Mike's just down the road from you."
"I suppose," I said.
"Do you want me to call him and tell him you're having a hard time?" Seth asked.
I didn't answer.
"Trace?"
"I, I don't know," I said.
"I just thought it'd be easier for me to tell him than for you to have to," said Seth.
Again I was silent. I didn't know what to do. I didn't really want to talk to Mike, but I could see Seth's reasoning for it.
"I'm going to call him," he said. "I can't leave you like this, I care about you too much."
"What about the other girl?" I asked. I had just remembered the reason I'd hung up on Seth in the first place.
"It's nothing serious," he said. "I'll talk to her today."
There was a pause.
"What time do you get to work?" he asked.
"Ten," I said. By this point it was half past nine.
"Right, well if you head off, I'll talk to Mike," he said. "Love you."
"Love you too," I said quietly, before Seth put the phone down.
My heart was pounding again as I put my phone on the sofa next to me. I didn't want to talk to Mike, and a big part of me didn't want to go into work at all.
Mike would be furious if I did that though.
I sighed, picked up my things, and then headed out to the car.
When I got to Elm Tree I opened the door and slowly walked in. I could hear Mike and Gina talking in the office.
"Seth said she's really struggling," said Mike. He sighed. "I should have noticed something sooner."
"It's not your fault," said Gina. "As you said when I brought it up, Tracy isn't usually one to hide stuff."
By this point I was standing in the doorway. I caught Mike's eye and he stopped for a moment.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
I allowed a tear to roll down my cheek and looked at the floor.
Gina got up and rubbed my shoulder before she left the room, closing the door behind her.
Mike then came over and put his hand on my back, before he gently guided me to the small sofa by the door. Once there he sat down next to me and enveloped me in a hug.
I couldn't hold it in any more. I allowed myself to cry, even though I felt like a failure for doing so. The need for the comfort it gave was too great.
Mike just sat there, allowing me to let out my emotions in the safety of his arms. It was easy to feel safe with Mike, as I knew from previous experience that he would always protect me when I needed him.
Today was clearly no exception.
"You should have come to us," Mike said softly. "We wouldn't have been angry."
"You weren't exactly happy with me," I said.
"We didn't realise something was up," said Mike. "If we had we wouldn't have treated you like we did." Mike paused for a moment. "Seth said Cam's extended her contract."
"For six months," I said.
"How do you feel about that?" asked Mike.
"I, I don't like it," I said. I could feel my voice starting to wobble, and the panic coming back as I thought about how it was at home.
"Hey," said Mike. "Tracy, look at me."
I looked up at Mike.
"It's OK," he said.
"Is it?" I asked.
"Yes," said Mike. "I'm here, and I'll make sure it is."
I allowed myself to relax slightly, knowing Mike would never promise something like that unless it was true. I gave a shaky exhale, looking back to the floor.
"What's going through your mind?" asked Mike.
"Just, I don't know, really," I said. "It's just been so confusing and I don't really know why I'm panicking so much."
"It's a perfectly natural reaction," said Mike. "But you did the right thing talking to Seth, though I wish you'd felt able to come to us. We are here for you, you know."
"But the kids, they come first," I said.
Mike shook his head. "Not always," he said. "If you feel you can't cope with life by yourself, the door is always open. Of course, now you're an adult, I want you to try and solve problems by yourself. But if it's not working and it's getting too much, you can always come to us. I'd rather you used us too much than suffered. And in the time I've known you I know I've told you that a million times, and you need to remember it."
I was still for a moment, before I hugged Mike tight. The tears rolled down my cheeks and for the first time in my life I wasn't afraid to ask for comfort. I needed it, and as Mike hugged me tightly back I knew that he knew exactly how I was feeling.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"For what?" asked Mike.
I just shook my head. I wasn't even sure what I was sorry for, and at the same time the list in my head went on for eternity. I knew I could never explain it.
"Well you shouldn't be," said Mike. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
"But..." I trailed off. I knew that I was sorry for failing my first month on my own, for needing to run to others when I couldn't cope, but I couldn't form the sentences needed in a way that would make sense to Mike.
Because, in Mike's mind, I hadn't failed at all.
"Am I a failure?"
Mike looked shocked at my question. "Why would you be?"
"Because I couldn't do it. I tried and now I've failed and I can't do it on my own," I said.
Mike sighed. "Do you want to know what I see as failure?"
I nodded.
"Quitting before you started," said Mike. "If Cam had said she was going away, and the first thing you'd done was to run to safety and refused to do it, then you would have failed. But you tried, Trace. You tried bloody hard, and you never even did run. You called Seth for support but that didn't get you out. He told me you didn't want him phoning us but he did anyway. He ran for you, but only after you'd had a bad enough time to need to call him in the first place. And because you didn't run, you are not only not a failure, but you now have a way out."
"A way out?" I asked.
"Well, you're staying here tonight no matter what happens," said Mike. "I'm not sending you back yet." He paused. "But just because you've left, doesn't mean you're a failure. You didn't decide to leave: I did. And the fact that you were still willing to stay in the situation means that you are one of the bravest people I know."
Tears came to my eyes again. Mike didn't think I'd failed, and he was allowing me to stay in the safety of the Dumping Ground. I wouldn't have to wake up in an empty house if I didn't feel safe, and I knew Mike would make sure of that.
"Although, Tracy," said Mike.
I snapped my head to look at him.
"A place to stay here is only yours if you promise me something first," he said.
"What?" I asked.
"If you ever need anything, no matter how small, you come to me and you ask for it," he said. "If you're having a hard time and need a hug, ask for one." He paused for a moment. "And if you don't feel able to ask, either get someone else to, or just come in here without explanation in tears at your very worst because you can't take it anymore, and I will be here and I will do something about it." Mike paused again. "But I can only help if I know you need it. So just ask. Please."
I gave Mike a small smile. "I promise."
Mike gave me a smile back.
I pulled away. "I should probably get to work now, and I should let you too."
"Work?" asked Mike. "I'm not going to allow you to work today."
I looked at him, puzzled.
"I think you need a bit of a break," said Mike, "so you're having today off."
"But I don't need to," I said.
"Don't need to, or don't feel you should?" asked Mike. "It's pretty clear to me that you do." He looked at my eyes. "You haven't been sleeping, have you?"
I shook my head slightly.
"Well, the spare staff bedroom is made up if you need it," said Mike. He paused. "Why don't you go there now and have a sleep?"
"I'm not tired," I lied.
"And my name's not Mike," said Mike. "Go on, off you go. I'll come and check on you in a couple of hours. But if you need me before then I'll be here or somewhere else in the house. Someone will be in the office all day."
I gave him a small smile, before I made my way up to the spare staff bedroom. As soon as I got there I took my shoes off and then lay down under the covers.
I spent a few minutes thinking before I fell asleep, about how Seth had taken a huge burden off my shoulders by talking to Mike instead of making me, and how Mike had managed to calm me down to the point where I actually felt quite relaxed.
I gave a small smile at the love I still had around me, before I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
By the time on the clock, it was less than half an hour before I shot up, taking a big gulp of air. I quickly scanned my surroundings before I relaxed slightly, realising I was at the Dumping Ground and not at home.
My dream had been similar to the ones before, but not the same. The wave on the boat had this time taken me overboard, trying to drown me.
Just then the door opened and Mike came in.
"I thought I heard screaming," he said. He looked at me, still trying to catch my breath. "What happened?"
"Just, just a dream," I said shakily. I was covered in sweat that made it feel like I was still in the water, and I couldn't quite shake the feeling of the dream off.
Mike's face softened. "Oh, Tracy." He sat down on the bed next to me, and sighed. "So this is why you haven't got any sleep."
It wasn't a question, more of a statement as Mike knew he was right.
Now it was my turn to sigh.
There was a moment of silence before I spoke up. "It's not OK, is it?"
"It can be," said Mike. "You never mentioned the nightmares."
"I thought they'd stop," I said.
"Well, they obviously haven't," said Mike. "What else haven't you told me?"
"I, I..." I trailed off, trying to think. I paused for a moment. "Seth said I had a panic attack this morning, and I think I've been having a few of them."
Mike sighed. "Seth did mention the panic attack, but he said he thought it was because he mentioned the other girl." He paused. "Come here."
Mike enveloped me in a hug as my energy drained from me. I needed a good sleep, but I knew that currently that wasn't an option.
"Do you want me to stay?" asked Mike gently.
I thought for a moment. Having Mike here might help, but it also might drag him away from the kids for no reason if it didn't work.
Well, there was only one way to find out.
I nodded.
Mike gave me a smile. "I'll stay then."
Mike gently lay me back down, stroking my hair to help soothe me. I smiled.
It wasn't long before I closed my eyes again, and slowly drifted off...
It was as if Mike's presence halted the dream in its tracks. My sleep was peaceful, and I woke up a few hours later feeling somewhat better.
Mike gave me a smile as I opened my eyes. "You alright?"
I gave him a small smile and a nod, sitting up.
Mike gave me a smile back. "I'm glad."
I looked down at my hands. "I'm sorry."
"What for?" Mike asked gently.
"Pulling you away from the kids," I said.
Mike shook his head. "Don't be sorry. None of this is your fault. And I've chosen to be away from the kids, not you."
I gave a small smile, but I still felt guilty.
"I'm just glad I can be here," said Mike. "Who knows what would have happened if you'd had to keep this to yourself any longer."
Just then we heard a lot of shouting coming from downstairs.
"I'll be back in a minute," said Mike. He left the room and went towards the noise.
I put my shoes back on and followed him. Part of me still didn't want to be on my own.
And then it clicked.
Cam was like a mum to me now, I'd said it loads of times. Heck, she probably was my mum now.
But there was another mum in my dream, one who'd left me.
Alone.
For hours and hours at a time.
I felt anger towards her. If only she hadn't left me, then maybe I wouldn't have such a fear of living on my own. I hadn't known it before, how could I, but now it was clear as day.
I couldn't escape her.
I headed towards the living room, where the shouting was still coming from, and then I lost it.
"Just shut up will you?!"
Immediately the room was silent, everyone staring at me. I hadn't had an outburst like this for ages, but at the moment my emotions were becoming hard things to control.
"Tracy?" said Mike. He paused. "Are you alright?"
Suddenly all the anger left me, and I was just left with the hurt. The memories of being on my own, how I'd always convinced myself that Mum would walk through the door when she'd said she would, even though I knew she would always be at least an hour late, if not five or six.
I just shook my head.
Mike gently took me in his arms as a few years rolled down my cheeks.
I could sense the kids watching, but didn't have the energy to care.
"Shh," said Mike. "It's alright. I'm here. I'm here."
Just then Gina came in. She immediately saw me then turned her attention to the kids.
"Why don't we take this somewhere else?" she said, picking up the paper chain. "I'll help you untangle it."
"But we need to set it up in here for the party," said Carmen.
"And we need to have time to measure it whilst it's up," said Gus, "or it'll all tangle again."
"We can measure the stupid thing whenever," said Liam. "It doesn't matter."
"Stupid?!" said Toby. "We've worked on this for hours!"
As the arguments restarted I didn't know what to do.
"Come on, Tracy," said Mike, trying to guide me out.
I didn't work.
It was like my feet were glued to the floor, unable to move.
"Trace?" said Mike.
I shook my head. "I can't."
The noise was getting louder, Gina unable to stop the arguments coming her way.
"And Tracy's ruining everything!" shouted Johnny.
I turned to face him. "How, exactly, Johnny?"
"You've done nothing to help, we were going to ask you today but we haven't even seen you, and now we're going to have to move it and take longer."
I saw red again. I calmly walked over to the paper chain.
"Well, you know what?" I said. "This is how I feel about your paper chain."
And I ripped it in half.
"What are you doing?!" exclaimed Frank.
"Treating you like you've been treating me," I said, picking up another piece of chain, "worthless."
I ripped it again as I said the word.
Mike was next to me then. "Tracy, stop."
"Why should I?" I said. "They don't care."
"Care about what?" asked Sapphire.
I paused. "Nothing," I said. "It doesn't matter."
"Stop ripping up our paper chain then!" said Tee. "We've spent hours on it."
I paused for a moment. "Whatever."
Then I walked out of the room.
I was planning to go to the quiet room, the realised there was a place I'd rather be. I climbed onto the window seat and sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks.
"I want Mum," I said quietly to myself. To be honest, I wasn't even sure which one is was talking about. I just wanted a hug, and a promise that she'd come back, and wasn't going to leave again.
That narrowed it down, anyway.
I wanted Cam. I wanted her to hug me tight and be there for me.
It wasn't going to happen though.
Not for six months at least.
I pulled my knees tight to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I couldn't believe I'd done that to the kids.
Then again, as I'd said, enough people had been doing it to me lately that I'd just lost it.
I wished I could undo it, but there was no way now.
I hid my head as I heard footsteps, and a hand was gently placed on my shoulder.
I then realised the repercussions of my actions. "Go on, then."
"Go on what?" asked Mike, confused.
"Fire me," I said. "See if I care."
Mike paused for a moment. "Tracy, I'm not cruel."
I looked at him, puzzled.
"You and I both know what that would do to you," he said. "And I'm not about to do that."
"But I ripped up the kids' paper chain," I said. "That deserves some sort of punishment."
"In my mind you're being punished enough," said Mike.
I sighed.
"They'll be alright, anyway," said Mike. "I'm more worried about you."
I shook my head and placed it back onto of my knees. "Don't bother."
Mike sighed. "Budge up."
I moved forward and Mike sat behind me. He then wrapped an arm around me, taking one of my hands and giving it a small squeeze.
"I used to sit here all the time waiting for Mum," I said. "And she never came."
Mike gave a sigh. "Tracy, Cam hasn't abandoned you like that. She's not here, but if you'd told her you didn't want her to stay in New York she would have come home. She still would."
Now it was my turn to sigh. "I don't want to ruin it for her."
Mike gave my hand another squeeze. "It wouldn't ruin it," he said. He paused for a moment. "But even if you don't want her to have to come back, just remember that she would. She would never leave you to suffer if she knew, just like I won't."
I sighed. "I just want it all to stop."
"It will," said Mike. "It might take a day or two, but it will. Now you've told someone it'll be better."
I wanted to believe Mike, I really did. But I couldn't quite bring myself to.
"Do you want to come somewhere a bit more comfortable?" asked Mike. "This wood isn't that great to sit on."
I didn't answer. The fact was that I was quite used to sitting on a hard window seat for hours, and, despite the sad memories, sitting here gave some sort of comfort.
Mike didn't say anything else either for a few moments. Then, as tears started rolling down my cheeks again he stood up and silently wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him tight and buried my head, desperately trying to draw some comfort.
"Shh," he said, gently rocking me back and forth. "Shh. It's OK."
I couldn't stop. It was like I was back as a child, just wanting to cry forever when Mum left me. Mike seemed to sense that and kept hold of me for what seemed like hours. There were people passing through the hall and up and down the stairs but I didn't take any notice of them. Not until the party music started.
I lifted my head. I must have been crying for a long time because it was dark outside. I thought about asking how long I'd been here, but in all honesty I didn't want to know.
"How are you feeling?" asked Mike.
I just shook my head and resumed my previous position, this time thankfully without the tears. Mike rubbed my back and kissed the top of my head.
"I would ask if you wanted to go to the party, but I have a feeling I already know the answer," said Mike after a few minutes of silence.
"They wouldn't want me there anyway," I said.
"They would," said Mike. "They forgive you for what you did."
I sighed.
Mike looked at his watch. "What time is it in New York?"
Suddenly I panicked. "No, I don't want to call Cam."
"Tracy, you need to," said Mike. He put a gentle hand on my shoulder. "You need to talk to her."
I shook my head firmly. "No."
"Tracy..." said Mike.
"You call her," I said. "I don't want to."
And with that I ran upstairs to the spare staff bedroom.
I heard Mike calling after me, but I ignored him.
It was only a few minutes later when I heard footsteps coming towards the room, with someone talking.
"Yep, she's just here," said Mike, opening the door. "Tracy, phonecall for you."
I didn't take the phone, instead rolling over away from Mike.
Mike sighed, sat down on the bed, and put the phone on speaker.
"Tracy?"
I snapped my neck towards the phone. "Cam?"
Mike smiled.
"Mike told me what's been going on," said Cam. "Are you alright?"
I inhaled shakily, trying desperately not to cry again. "I miss you."
"Oh, Trace, I miss you too," said Cam. "So, so much."
"Then why are you staying?" I asked. "Why aren't you coming home?"
I heard Cam sigh. "Because I didn't know you wanted me to. I thought you were loving it on your own, so I thought I'd give you those more months of freedom whilst I did a job I loved."
She paused for a moment.
"But I can always come back if you want me to."
"No," I said quickly. "No, I don't want you to."
"You sure?" asked Cam.
"Yeah," I said.
"I honestly don't mind, Tracy," said Cam. You mean so much more to me than a job."
"I'll be OK," I said. I looked over to Mike, who took my hand. "I've got Mike."
Mike gave me a smile and squeezed my hand.
"She can stay here whilst you're away if she wants to," said Mike. He gave me a smirk. "Never did quite manage to escape this place, did you?"
I smiled back, not minding at all. To be honest, I was glad I still had everyone around.
I don't know what I would have done otherwise.
"Are you alright now then, Tracy?" said Cam. "I don't want to leave you if you're not."
The word leave left a small pang in my stomach, but I tried my best to ignore it. "I'm OK."
"I'm glad," said Cam. She paused. "Because I love you, Tracy. So, so much."
"I love you too," I said, tears coming to my eyes.
There was a pause before Cam spoke again.
"I'm going to have to go now, Tracy," she said. "But I'll call you later on the laptop, alright?"
I gave a small smile, desperately trying to be brave. "OK. I'll talk to you later then."
"OK," said Cam. "Bye."
"Bye," I said, before Cam ended the call.
I looked at the phone for a moment, before I turned away from Mike again and started to cry. He gently put his hand on my shoulder, trying to offer me some comfort.
"I know you miss her," he said. "But you know she still loves you, don't you?"
I nodded, sniffling.
Mike gave a sad smile.
I was crying for a while more, Mike rubbing my shoulder every now and then, when the doorbell rang. I heard the door opening and then my name was called.
Puzzled, I sat up and looked at Mike.
"Should I see what they want?" he asked.
I nodded.
Mike gave me a smile before he left the room. A few moments later he came in with someone else.
The person who had saved me this morning.
"Seth?" I said, confused. "What are you doing here?"
Seth sighed. "I couldn't leave you, not after this morning."
I gave him a small smile, and then he came over and gave me a hug.
I hugged him back tightly, glad he was here.
"I'll leave you to it," said Mike, going to leave.
"Hang on, Mike, wait," I said. I got up and gave him a hug. "Thank you, for being here."
Mike hugged me back and kissed the top of my head. "You're welcome, Tracy."
I looked up and smiled at him, before I went back to Seth. Mike gave me a smile back and then left the room, closing the door behind him.
"How are you feeling?" asked Seth.
I exhaled deeply. "I don't know. Better, I guess." I sighed. "It's been a crazy day."
Seth gave me a smile. "I'm proud of you, you know."
"Why?" I asked him.
"For having the courage to tell someone," he said. "That takes guts."
I gave him a small smile back. I was so glad I had told Seth. I don't know how I would have coped with today on my own.
For a few moments we sat in silence, and I rested my head on Seth's chest. It was comforting to have him here, and I wished I could stay in this moment forever. I closed my eyes, relaxing.
"Hey, don't fall asleep on me!" said Seth. He looked down at me. "You're tired, aren't you?"
I nodded.
Seth gently pushed me away from him, before he turned and sat on the bed, his back to the headboard. I joined him, curling up next to him, my head once again on his chest.
Seth put his arm around me. "Go to sleep, Trace. I'll be with you the whole time."
I gave a smile, before I closed my eyes.
It wasn't long at all, a matter of minutes, before I fell asleep.
A peaceful, restful sleep.
I was loved. I was looked after.
I was safe.
And that was all that mattered.