A/N: This story just appeared into my mind awhile ago. If you're curious
enough to read on about this strange story, you can keep scrolling down
with your mouse and start reading this strange story…Oh how strange this
story is…(zones out)…huh?! Oh, ahem. Before we start the story we have a
brief message for you all:
(Attention: If you don't like sick humor then just skip the message now (the stuff between the two ___'s), but if you look at it anyway don't flame me about it. Remember, you have been warned.):
__________________
(A little girl and a little boy sit at a round sunny yellow table (the kind you see on the horror show known as Barney) with pieces of paper and markers in the middle of the table. We'll just call these two Dick and Sally)
Dick: I'm bored…
Sally: Me too…Wanna color?
Dick: Sure.
(They each take a piece of paper and some markers)
Sally: These markers are…uh…line.
Director: (in a low disgusted voice) (shakes his fist) Boring!
Sally: (shakes her fist and imitates the low disgusted voice the director had) Boring!
(A stupid looking fat pen with a huge stupid grin is in the sky "flying" with the help of ropes from the ceiling of the building towards the house. He smashes into the window, falls to the ground, and decides to use the front door instead.)
Stupid looking cartoon pen dude with a cape: (twitches) Ow, my spleen! ...Uh, never fear! Super Blo Pen is here! Burn those boring, colorless, dull pens and watch me amaze you with my super blowing powers!
Dick: But mommy said that making fires is baaaaad…
Super Blo Pen: I said burn em, dammit!
Sally: Okay!
(The old markers are suddenly surrounded by fire. Smoke fills entire stage. A random stage hand walks onto the stage to put the fire out using water from a watering can. He snatches the pens from the table and walks off the stage, pretending that nothing happened.)
Super Blo Pen: Just use me to light up any day!
Sally: (uses the all mighty Blowing powers) This is much more fun than boring everyday pens, it's bigger!
Dick: Faster!
Sally: And messier!!!
Mom: Kids, what are you doing here?
Dick: Mommy! Look at Sally blow!
Mom: Aww, that's nice kids. Have fun!
Dick & Sally: (grins) We will!!
Blo Pens! Test your blowing skills on this unique blowing device! How hard can you blow?
__________________
(Stares at the message) What the…? What kind of message was THAT? Wait…You're reading this aren't you? Ok! Enough nonsense! Now on to the story!
Victoria's Secret of Doom!
Gir, in his dog costume stared at the TV with a hideous looking monkey on the screen while eating cupcakes. He heard the creek of the front door. He knew it was the one and only..."Master!!! I missed-ed you!" Gir said as he hopped off the couch spilling cupcake frosting on himself. He ran up to Zim to give him a big hug. Zim stared down at Gir disgusted. "AHH!!! GET OFF OF ME GIR!!!" He shrieked. Zim ran around the room with Gir's arms wrapped around Zim's stomach. After crashing into furniture Gir finally fell to the ground and landed on his head. He stuck his tongue out, then got up and jumped back onto the couch to watch the Scary Monkey Show. Zim glared at the TV. "That monkey..." Zim muttered.
The monkey suddenly disappeared and a commercial replaced it. A guy in a taco suit with miniature tacos in the background was dancing like a monkey to some elevator music. The commercial went on like this for five minutes, and then ended with a man's face on the screen that looks like he needs anger management classes. "New Krazy Taco at the mall! The taco commands you to go there now! NOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!! Stop watching this commercial and move your big couch potato butt to Krazy Taco…Now!!!" Gir scooted towards the TV hypnotized until he fell off the couch. Then he exploded with excitement."....TACOS!!!"
Gir jumped up from the ground and stared to jump up and down excitedly. He then grabbed a hold of Zim's collar and started to cry out, "TACOS!!! I NEED THEM!!!" Zim yanked Gir off him. "Not this again" he muttered. "Gir, I am not going to take you to that filthy food…eating…unit…thing, especially if it is at that crowded stink human filled area!" Gir pounded his fists on the ground and screamed. "MY PIGGY NEEDS IT!!!"
He started to run around the room in a rampage with objects magically exploding as he ran past them. "Gir! Stop this nonsense!" Zim yelled out. Gir didn't listen to Zim and continued to run around the room screaming. Zim groaned, then thought about the Krazy Taco trip a bit more. He wiggled his claws for an idea was forming in his head. "Fine. We shall go to the crawly filled stink human building to see these 'tacos' for they may prove to be useful in the invasion...but I'll only give you a taco if you obey my orders for once." Gir grinned stupidly and replied, "Only if you say pleeeaassee..." Zim's narrowed his eyes and ignored the insolent android. He took Gir by the wrist and marched outside to the long route to the mall.
After turning many street corners and getting lost five times, Zim and Gir finally arrived to the mall. Zim dusted some gooze off his head while Gir licked a lolly pop. "That was a very disturbing adventure we had, Gir. I am never going to refer to this...'dow' again" Zim muttered as he crumpled and tossed the upside down map over his shoulder. People walked by staring at the strange green kid and his strange green dog on a leash. Zim marched into the mall entrance with Gir being dragged behind, leash attached to his collar. Zim crossed his arms. "We shall go to these tacos, Gir, but that's it. Nothing else." Gir stared at a jumping piggy sign and nodded his head with the beat of the jumping piggy. "Good." Zim said, thinking that his little robot slave listened to him. "Now where might these tacos be?"
A guy in a taco suit danced past Zim and Gir with many drooling people who looked hypnotized following behind. Gir attempted to follow the giant taco man as well except the leash stopped him from going so far. Zim rubbed his chin in thought. "Hmm…With my amazing Irken invader skills…The hideous taco place must be…that way." And with that Zim dragged the drooling Gir the opposite direction of the taco man.
After five minutes of walking in the mall Zim and Gir had still not seen the Krazy Taco fast food…thingy. Zim tried to keep calm, although Gir humming the "Doom song" wasn't helping him at all. A hot pink sign the same color of Zim's shirt caught the corner of his eye. Zim passed the sign, then ran back to it. Zim stared at it in shock and wonder at the same time. He then said, "Victoria's…Secret?! What is this secret…?!" Zim's mind lead him to a fantasy of human slaves worshipping Zim. It seemed like the perfect plan. "If I figure out this Earth "secret", then I could use it to rule all humanoids!" Zim broke into maniacal laughter.
A lady holding a tray of perfume walked up to the insane Zim. "Would you like to sample some of our perfume young girl?" The lady asked. Zim narrowed one eye at her. "Insolent human bottle slave! Tell me the secret!" The lady, shocked that Zim was indeed a boy didn't reply. Zim yelled on the top of his Irken breathing thingies, "TELL ME!!!" The evil store slave lady sprayed some of the perfume into Zim's eyes. At first nothing happened. Then…"…AHHH!!! MY EYES!!! It burns!!! The pain…the pain I feel!!! AHHH!!!" Zim's eyes started to smoke as he ran around in circles. Gir was dragged in circles with Zim who was dragging his leash along with him. After the burning sensation in his eyes disappeared, Zim marched into the store proceeding to figure out the secret.
The inside of the store looked very creepy. It was very…pink. Zim unhooked Gir from the leash, and then marched up to the front desk while Gir stared at the evil lingerie. With a half yell, Zim said, "I am looking for the secret of this filthy, *horrible*, wretched stink monkey store! Tell me the secret!" The skimpy clothed lady filing her nails at the front desk glanced down at Zim, then went back to staring at her hideously long nails. "I said tell me! Have you no brain worms?!"
"Oh, like, do you mean all the totally expensive lingerie that you won't be able to wear because you're going to end up naked in bed anyway? It's over there." The lady pointed to a shelf of lingerie with a sign that said "Totally expensive stuff that you can't fit your ass into"
Zim glanced over to at the rack. He marched over to the totally expensive stuff and stared at it. "Hmm…" He looked around him to see guys with thick black square framed glasses and tight plaid pants that went up to their knees staring at the thong rack next to him. Zim began to think outloud again. "Maybe, maybe these uniforms hypnotize male stink monkeys to become obsessed with the person who wears these…things, and if I wear this stuff, then they will become my human slaves! MWAHAHAHA!!!!" The guys next to him stared at Zim. "Eh, what wonderful Earth uniforms they have here! I guess I'll try one on myself!" More people glanced over to his direction, shuddered with the thought of a green child in a thong, and backed away from him as if he was a maniac.
Meanwhile Gir was staring at some giant granny bras. "…GLASSES!!!" he squealed. Gir took one of the large bras and put it over his eyes. Gir waved his arms round about, then yelled out, "Whee! Piggy vision!" Gir walked up to a random person and said, "Hi piggy! Take me to your monkey sandwich!" The girl stared at the little green puppy and quickly noticed the bra Gir had over his eyes. "Oh! That's the one I've been looking for!" she said. She quickly snatched the bra from Gir's face. She stared at the tag on the bra. Her jaw slowly dropped until it could drop no more. "…$40?! It was $40.25 before! Oh my god oh my god oh my gawd!!!" The happy shopper rushed to the counter not noticing Gir's teary puppy eyes. "Where's my piggy vision? I miss my piggy vision…" As Gir's eyes gave out a spark, a single teardrop dropped from one of Gir's eyes. Then his head blew up.
Zim had finally gotten a lady to help him into the completely pink dressing room. "Ok here's your room you green little girl. Zim raised a nonexistent brow. He then walked into the dressing room. He had brought more lingerie than he could even hold. Since he was not tall enough to reach the hooks to hold the items, Zim simply dropped them onto the ground. "Ok, I'll try this thing first." He reached for a skimpy freakishly looking thong. He put it over his head, and looked at himself in the mirror. "…Ingenious!! I shall now rule all the stink humans!! Bwahaha-!" Zim attempted to laugh maniacally once more, but something fell on him from the ceiling. "Whee he he hoo! I'm a mongoose!" A familiar voice screamed out. Gir landed into Zim's dressing room cubicle, crushing Zim. "Ahh! Get off me Gir! It hurts!!!" Zim yelled out. People outside the dressing room started to stare at the commotion wondering what the heck was happening. A few mothers who were absently minded enough to let their kids come shopping with them took their child's wrist and left the store quickly.
In a dark dimly lighted room in a secret room, two shadowed men were staring at screens showing areas of Victoria's Secret, including the dressing rooms. "Oh, look Fred. There's another couple in a dressing room together."
"Ya know, Jerry, We should put a sign to stop that stuff…There's been five couples in a dressing room together during the past hour. It's really sick."
"Yes, but this is an unusual looking couple. They're so…small." Fred glanced over to the screen Jerry was staring at. "…And green." Fred added. The two security guards stared bug eyed at the psycho looking dog and the green boy with underwear on his head.
After a minute of being stuck to each other Zim had finally gotten the robot disguised as a dog that was disguised as a "mongoose" off of him. Zim whispered in a low harsh voice, "Gir! What are you doing here? If you do that again you will ruin our whole plan!" Gir shoved another bra over his eyes and screamed, "I'm Dib! Wheee!!!" Zim used his hand to cover his robot slave's loud mouth. He made a shush sound to Gir. "Quiet, Do you want to make these foolish human things notice us?!" Gir stuck his tongue out and grinned. "Okee dokee!" Zim narrowed one eye at Gir. "I'll just pretend you didn't say that." Gir then picked up another bra. "I'm Dib and I'm going to capture a moose! Moosey!!! Mooseys smell like cotton candy, just like Dib's head!" Gir opened the dressing room door and ran off, bra in paws.
While Gir was dressed as Dib and Zim was slowly losing his sanity, two familiar figures entered the Victoria's Secret. "Ugh, do we have to go in here?"
"Quiet! I don't want anyone from Skool to know I'm here." Gaz rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, okay. Just give me the $50 you paid me to come in here right when we get home or you'll wish I was never born." The gothic girl walked over to the corner of the store. She took her Game Slave 2 out of her nonexistent pocket and started tapping at the buttons. "Some help she is," muttered Dib. He somewhat casually walked around the store. The same lady who sampled the perfume for Zim walked up to Dib. "Would you like to try some of our newest perfume young man?" the lady asked. Dib gave a slight jump and turned around. His replied rather quickly, "Uh, I'm just looking around for my sister! That is all." He put his hand behind his back and began to sweat. The lady stared at him and walked away. Dib gave out a sigh of relief. He was safe, until…
"Whee hee hee!!! I'm Super Dib!" Gir raced down the store with many items on his body. He ran up to Dib and stared at him. "You smell like a wet puppy!" squealed Gir. Dib stared at the little dog confusingly. "That strange dog is here?" he told himself. "What's going on? Huh? Huh??" Gir's arms began to wave in circular motions. "You're head is greasy too! I like grease!" Gir latched onto Dib's trench coat. "Hey! Get off!" Dib yelled at the insane robot. Gir continued to hug the corner of Dib's trench coat. "I love yooooou…" Gir took out a piggy from his head. "Piggie! Hehehe!" Gir threw the piggy at Dib's head. "Ow! Watch where you-What the heck?!" A small boy walked out of the dressing room. He held his arms up in victory. It was none other than Zim.
"Human slaves, bow before your all mighty master, ZIIIIM!!!" Zim had decorated his head very nicely. He had put three different thongs on his head, one scary small bra around each of his arms, and to top it off he was wearing a silky black night gown over his usual Irken uniform. On his feet were Filler Bunny slippers, one which was two sizes too big, and the other five sizes too big for his tiny foot. Most people just gawked at his appearance. It wasn't everyday that you see a small green kid walking into Victoria's Secret and trying on the clothing. The nerds and geeks, however, bowed to him and/or got their cameras out. "Oh, this'll be great for the front page of my website!" One of the nerds squealed girlish like. One of the store employees gasped and ran up to the psychotic green child. "What do you think you're doing?" Zim laughed menacingly. "Silence lingerie slave monkey!" Zim began to read off of a poster at the front of the store. "Feast your eyes on my…eh, sex-e-ness!" The lady pulled Zim by the thongs on his head and dragged him into the back of the room. She dragged him through a door that read "Staff only."
Instead of a usual room with a desk and one of those water tube-thingies which are oh so fun to get water out of, there was a dark stairway with dripping water on the ceiling which wasn't as fun to get water out of. Now, I'm not the type to say that something is creepy, because, look who's talking, yet this place was just all creepy. The spider on the wall looked creepy, the torch burning blue fire beside the wall looked creepy, and everything looked creepy. The store lady and Zim said nothing while on their way down to the room. It must have been at least a mile down because it took awhile to get all the way to the bottom of the stairway and some bats lingered around the dark and dreary stairway. When they finally got to the end of the stairway all that lay in front of their eyes was a metal desk along with a metal chair that had its back turned to the lady and Zim.
The lady saluted to the thing in the chair. "We have another prankster for you, Mr. Kino." A hand could be seen from the side of the chair. "Yes, I know. Leave him here. I'll deal with him myself." Mr. Kino replied. The lady nodded and started her trip back up the stairs. The chair started rocking slightly. "So, I see you like to make trouble at the mall young man." Zim clenched his fist and glared. "I do not need to be taught a lesson you fool! Tell me the secret now!"
"What secret?" Mr. Kino asked.
"The secret to world invasion…TELL ME!!! Tell it to me, the future overlord of the planet Earth, ZIIIM!" The man chuckled. "Oh, that's what you mean! Many people have asked me that very question, yet none are as, obnoxious as you are. Perhaps you are worthy of knowing the secret of Victoria's Secret." Zim jumped onto the desk so very close to losing his cool. "Yes, yes! Enough with the chit chat! Tell me the secret!" The man chuckled again, but was interrupted by Zim. "Yes, yes, I know you like to laugh. Now, tell me, tell me the secret!"
"The secret, the secret of Victoria's Secret is-"
"Tell me!" Zim yelled out.
"The *secret* of Victoria's Secret is-"
"Tell me!!!"
"Shut up!" said Mr. Kino. Zim stood stiff not making a noise. "Now, the secret of Victoria's Secret is…
Victoria has no underwear."
Zim cocked his head to the side, extremely confused. "Eh? What is this?! Pah! Some secret! I knew it all along! After all, this is only a human store!"
The chair began to rock once again. "That and Victoria's Secret is an EVIL CORPORATION of DOOOM!!!!" Zim pointed an accusing finger at the man behind the chair. "Hah! I knew it all along! This IS a plan for world domination!" The man chuckled darkly. "And now, my green skinned little friend, I have to destroy you…After all, we want everyone to know this is only a human store, right?"
"It is only a mere skin condition!!!" Zim yelled out. "Must I need to tell everyone?!" The chair swooped a full 180 degrees. Zim jumped in shock at what he saw. "Wha…What is this?!" The man looked absolutely hideous. He had no hair on the top of his head, his clothes were hot pink, his skin was all droopy like the droopiness of a droopy basset hound, and his arms and neck were covered in large gold chains and medals. The man pointed at the intruder and said, "Girls, get him!"
Three extremely weird looking girls dropped down from the ceiling, each of them wearing valley girl clothing. The scary blonde girl named Cher stood up and brushed herself off. She stared at her nails and yelled out, "Oh my god oh my god! My nails!!! They've chipped! Like, we're going to so totally get you for this little green man!"
The other scary girl with black hair (We'll call her, uh, Tammie) stood up as well, five shopping bags in each hand. "Yea! Totally! We are like, going to start, like a totally furious cat fight with you. It'll be a total betty!" The other blonde girl who happened to be named Cassie huffed and pouted. "Loser plus loser equals what-ever!!!"
Cher looked up from applying her hideous hot pink make up. "Like, what are you talking about girlfriend?" Cassie grinned stupidly. "I loooove Chad! He's, like, such a baby doll!" the dim witted girl replied. The two girls stared at their hyped up friend as if she were an idiot (which she most likely was). Cher rolled her eyes and muttered, "Loser…" Tammie replied with a simple, "Totally."
The whole time Zim stared at the three insane fashion freaks. He didn't know weather to shoot them with lasers or to use the eye-taker-outer-putter- backer-thingy on them. Cher used one of her freakishly long "chipped" pink nails to poke Zim on the head. He squealed and rubbed the place where he got poked. The other two girls knelt by Zim and started to poke him as well. "Great Irk! It's that poke of doom Gir tried to use on me! AHH!!! The pain…the pain!!!" Zim quickly scurried out of the room. The girls just stared at Zim running away from them. Cher stood up and took out her hot pink cell phone. After two tries of opening the cell phone, she dialed a few buttons, and then put the phone up to her ear even though she had a hard time with it because of her long pink nails. Cher's voice changed from scary and preppy to very high, squeaky, and preppy voice. "Hiiii Chad! Oh my god, I just, like, got rid of my first intruder! Huh? What? I know! After three years with this boring job that was oh so going nowhere! Aren't I great? I know, I really am. Ok, byeeeee Chad!" With that, Cher attempted to turn off her cell phone, but her nails were too long to press the small pink off button. Instead she threw it down. The cell phone crashed to the ground and broke. With an evil smile on her face she said, "That's ok. I can use Daddy's credit card to buy another one again!"
"Totally!" replied the other two girls.
After five minutes of going up many flights of stairs, Zim finally got back to the store floor with the help of his spider legs. He gave a sign of relief. "Ahah! There you are space boy!" Zim looked towards the bra area of the store. "The Dib-human!" Zim yelled out to himself. "What are you doing here?!" Zim asked. Dib started to laugh nervously. "Uhh…It's for my sister!" he replied. Zim stared at Dib strangely. "Then why are you wearing a training bra?" Zim asked accusingly. Dib began to sweat nervously.
"For support! I mean, I mean I'm trying it on for Gaz! Yes, that's what I'm doing! Trying it on seems like the best reason." Zim rubbed his chin. "I see…Interesting. Do all brothers try on these Earth uniforms for their sisters?" Dib nodded his head in reply. "Uh, sure. Why not?"
"Whee hehehe!!! Hooker! Hookie hookie hookie hookerooni!!!" Gir was using his jets to fly around the store wearing a bra over his head and a silky pink robe. A young girl and her boyfriend pointed to Gir. "Look! In the sky!" Said the boy. "Like, it's SuperFreak!" the girl replied happily. As the bra on Gir's head was flying off, he saw Zim at the back of the store with Dib. "Its master and puppy head!" Gir rushed down to them. Instead of landing on his robotic feet, he landed on his head and made a dent in the ground. He quickly got up and stared at Zim and Dib. Gir stuck his waved his claw hand and squealed out, "Hiiii!!!" Zim and Dib stopped arguing to stare at the little insane robot. "Gir!" Zim commanded. "We must go out of this place. We shall find its weaknesses some other time…Then, we will conquer it!" Dib narrowed his eyes. "Let me guess, you're trying to invade Victoria's Secret now? That's your stupidest idea yet! Well, maybe not as stupid as the one with the slinkys…but, ah well, it's still pretty stupid." Zim glared at his rival. "You may not know, but Victoria's Secret is the ruler of this stink planet which I am going to take over, so hah!" Zim stuck his tongue out at Dib. "Yeah, right…" muttered Dib.
A voice interrupted them. It was none other than Gaz. "When are we going to go!?" she asked with an annoyed tone in her voice. She didn't look up from her game for a second while she talked. "In a few minutes Gaz." He replied. "I just need to take care of space boy here and save the Earth once more."
"Whatever" Gaz walked back to the front of the store to be in solitude once again. "Okay, Zim. Your…Zimmy Zim people will-Huh? Hey!" Before Dib could finish his best threat yet, Zim flew through the ceiling on Gir back. The sales lady ran up to where Zim and Gir went. She shrieked out, "Hey!!! You didn't pay for that!" and threw a gigantic lotion bottle towards them. Luckily it missed Zim and Gir and instead landed on the lady's face. "Ahh! Dammit! I just got my face lifted a week ago!" She took the lotion bottle off her face and rubbed her eyes. Dib, terrorized by what he saw ran away from the mutant lady.
Back at Zim's base, Zim yanked off the thongs and other items off his head. He kept the silky black nightgown on. "Gir, I believe the Victoria Secret human store is the key to the invasion. Once we invade that, then we can rule the world!!" Gir smiled innocently and stupidly. "Hooker!" Gir yelled out. Zim stared at his strange little servant strangely. "Eh?" Gir stuck his tongue out. "I was walking around the store and I saw a giant piggy flying in the sky. It tasted good. Then some lady came up to me and said hooker you are such a hooker you should stay in the alley where you belong and then I saw a picture of a lady with giant piggys surrounding her and I stared at the picture and then someone said go get a job you hooker." Zim just stared at Gir. "…Okay. Now, I need a plan to conquer this Victoria Secret thingy." Gir got out a bobby pin and began to play with it. "Bobby pin!" Zim's smiled darkly. "Ingenious!"
…The End?
A/N: Wow! You actually survived this insane fanfic! You deserve an award for this! (Gives you a half eaten moldy sandwich)…Heh, I was going to give you the whole moldy sandwich, but I got a little hungry during the story. I might write a sequel to this if enough people like it and give it reviews so you may be able to read more stuff from an author losing the little sanity she has left. For now, though, see you later!
(Attention: If you don't like sick humor then just skip the message now (the stuff between the two ___'s), but if you look at it anyway don't flame me about it. Remember, you have been warned.):
__________________
(A little girl and a little boy sit at a round sunny yellow table (the kind you see on the horror show known as Barney) with pieces of paper and markers in the middle of the table. We'll just call these two Dick and Sally)
Dick: I'm bored…
Sally: Me too…Wanna color?
Dick: Sure.
(They each take a piece of paper and some markers)
Sally: These markers are…uh…line.
Director: (in a low disgusted voice) (shakes his fist) Boring!
Sally: (shakes her fist and imitates the low disgusted voice the director had) Boring!
(A stupid looking fat pen with a huge stupid grin is in the sky "flying" with the help of ropes from the ceiling of the building towards the house. He smashes into the window, falls to the ground, and decides to use the front door instead.)
Stupid looking cartoon pen dude with a cape: (twitches) Ow, my spleen! ...Uh, never fear! Super Blo Pen is here! Burn those boring, colorless, dull pens and watch me amaze you with my super blowing powers!
Dick: But mommy said that making fires is baaaaad…
Super Blo Pen: I said burn em, dammit!
Sally: Okay!
(The old markers are suddenly surrounded by fire. Smoke fills entire stage. A random stage hand walks onto the stage to put the fire out using water from a watering can. He snatches the pens from the table and walks off the stage, pretending that nothing happened.)
Super Blo Pen: Just use me to light up any day!
Sally: (uses the all mighty Blowing powers) This is much more fun than boring everyday pens, it's bigger!
Dick: Faster!
Sally: And messier!!!
Mom: Kids, what are you doing here?
Dick: Mommy! Look at Sally blow!
Mom: Aww, that's nice kids. Have fun!
Dick & Sally: (grins) We will!!
Blo Pens! Test your blowing skills on this unique blowing device! How hard can you blow?
__________________
(Stares at the message) What the…? What kind of message was THAT? Wait…You're reading this aren't you? Ok! Enough nonsense! Now on to the story!
Victoria's Secret of Doom!
Gir, in his dog costume stared at the TV with a hideous looking monkey on the screen while eating cupcakes. He heard the creek of the front door. He knew it was the one and only..."Master!!! I missed-ed you!" Gir said as he hopped off the couch spilling cupcake frosting on himself. He ran up to Zim to give him a big hug. Zim stared down at Gir disgusted. "AHH!!! GET OFF OF ME GIR!!!" He shrieked. Zim ran around the room with Gir's arms wrapped around Zim's stomach. After crashing into furniture Gir finally fell to the ground and landed on his head. He stuck his tongue out, then got up and jumped back onto the couch to watch the Scary Monkey Show. Zim glared at the TV. "That monkey..." Zim muttered.
The monkey suddenly disappeared and a commercial replaced it. A guy in a taco suit with miniature tacos in the background was dancing like a monkey to some elevator music. The commercial went on like this for five minutes, and then ended with a man's face on the screen that looks like he needs anger management classes. "New Krazy Taco at the mall! The taco commands you to go there now! NOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!! Stop watching this commercial and move your big couch potato butt to Krazy Taco…Now!!!" Gir scooted towards the TV hypnotized until he fell off the couch. Then he exploded with excitement."....TACOS!!!"
Gir jumped up from the ground and stared to jump up and down excitedly. He then grabbed a hold of Zim's collar and started to cry out, "TACOS!!! I NEED THEM!!!" Zim yanked Gir off him. "Not this again" he muttered. "Gir, I am not going to take you to that filthy food…eating…unit…thing, especially if it is at that crowded stink human filled area!" Gir pounded his fists on the ground and screamed. "MY PIGGY NEEDS IT!!!"
He started to run around the room in a rampage with objects magically exploding as he ran past them. "Gir! Stop this nonsense!" Zim yelled out. Gir didn't listen to Zim and continued to run around the room screaming. Zim groaned, then thought about the Krazy Taco trip a bit more. He wiggled his claws for an idea was forming in his head. "Fine. We shall go to the crawly filled stink human building to see these 'tacos' for they may prove to be useful in the invasion...but I'll only give you a taco if you obey my orders for once." Gir grinned stupidly and replied, "Only if you say pleeeaassee..." Zim's narrowed his eyes and ignored the insolent android. He took Gir by the wrist and marched outside to the long route to the mall.
After turning many street corners and getting lost five times, Zim and Gir finally arrived to the mall. Zim dusted some gooze off his head while Gir licked a lolly pop. "That was a very disturbing adventure we had, Gir. I am never going to refer to this...'dow' again" Zim muttered as he crumpled and tossed the upside down map over his shoulder. People walked by staring at the strange green kid and his strange green dog on a leash. Zim marched into the mall entrance with Gir being dragged behind, leash attached to his collar. Zim crossed his arms. "We shall go to these tacos, Gir, but that's it. Nothing else." Gir stared at a jumping piggy sign and nodded his head with the beat of the jumping piggy. "Good." Zim said, thinking that his little robot slave listened to him. "Now where might these tacos be?"
A guy in a taco suit danced past Zim and Gir with many drooling people who looked hypnotized following behind. Gir attempted to follow the giant taco man as well except the leash stopped him from going so far. Zim rubbed his chin in thought. "Hmm…With my amazing Irken invader skills…The hideous taco place must be…that way." And with that Zim dragged the drooling Gir the opposite direction of the taco man.
After five minutes of walking in the mall Zim and Gir had still not seen the Krazy Taco fast food…thingy. Zim tried to keep calm, although Gir humming the "Doom song" wasn't helping him at all. A hot pink sign the same color of Zim's shirt caught the corner of his eye. Zim passed the sign, then ran back to it. Zim stared at it in shock and wonder at the same time. He then said, "Victoria's…Secret?! What is this secret…?!" Zim's mind lead him to a fantasy of human slaves worshipping Zim. It seemed like the perfect plan. "If I figure out this Earth "secret", then I could use it to rule all humanoids!" Zim broke into maniacal laughter.
A lady holding a tray of perfume walked up to the insane Zim. "Would you like to sample some of our perfume young girl?" The lady asked. Zim narrowed one eye at her. "Insolent human bottle slave! Tell me the secret!" The lady, shocked that Zim was indeed a boy didn't reply. Zim yelled on the top of his Irken breathing thingies, "TELL ME!!!" The evil store slave lady sprayed some of the perfume into Zim's eyes. At first nothing happened. Then…"…AHHH!!! MY EYES!!! It burns!!! The pain…the pain I feel!!! AHHH!!!" Zim's eyes started to smoke as he ran around in circles. Gir was dragged in circles with Zim who was dragging his leash along with him. After the burning sensation in his eyes disappeared, Zim marched into the store proceeding to figure out the secret.
The inside of the store looked very creepy. It was very…pink. Zim unhooked Gir from the leash, and then marched up to the front desk while Gir stared at the evil lingerie. With a half yell, Zim said, "I am looking for the secret of this filthy, *horrible*, wretched stink monkey store! Tell me the secret!" The skimpy clothed lady filing her nails at the front desk glanced down at Zim, then went back to staring at her hideously long nails. "I said tell me! Have you no brain worms?!"
"Oh, like, do you mean all the totally expensive lingerie that you won't be able to wear because you're going to end up naked in bed anyway? It's over there." The lady pointed to a shelf of lingerie with a sign that said "Totally expensive stuff that you can't fit your ass into"
Zim glanced over to at the rack. He marched over to the totally expensive stuff and stared at it. "Hmm…" He looked around him to see guys with thick black square framed glasses and tight plaid pants that went up to their knees staring at the thong rack next to him. Zim began to think outloud again. "Maybe, maybe these uniforms hypnotize male stink monkeys to become obsessed with the person who wears these…things, and if I wear this stuff, then they will become my human slaves! MWAHAHAHA!!!!" The guys next to him stared at Zim. "Eh, what wonderful Earth uniforms they have here! I guess I'll try one on myself!" More people glanced over to his direction, shuddered with the thought of a green child in a thong, and backed away from him as if he was a maniac.
Meanwhile Gir was staring at some giant granny bras. "…GLASSES!!!" he squealed. Gir took one of the large bras and put it over his eyes. Gir waved his arms round about, then yelled out, "Whee! Piggy vision!" Gir walked up to a random person and said, "Hi piggy! Take me to your monkey sandwich!" The girl stared at the little green puppy and quickly noticed the bra Gir had over his eyes. "Oh! That's the one I've been looking for!" she said. She quickly snatched the bra from Gir's face. She stared at the tag on the bra. Her jaw slowly dropped until it could drop no more. "…$40?! It was $40.25 before! Oh my god oh my god oh my gawd!!!" The happy shopper rushed to the counter not noticing Gir's teary puppy eyes. "Where's my piggy vision? I miss my piggy vision…" As Gir's eyes gave out a spark, a single teardrop dropped from one of Gir's eyes. Then his head blew up.
Zim had finally gotten a lady to help him into the completely pink dressing room. "Ok here's your room you green little girl. Zim raised a nonexistent brow. He then walked into the dressing room. He had brought more lingerie than he could even hold. Since he was not tall enough to reach the hooks to hold the items, Zim simply dropped them onto the ground. "Ok, I'll try this thing first." He reached for a skimpy freakishly looking thong. He put it over his head, and looked at himself in the mirror. "…Ingenious!! I shall now rule all the stink humans!! Bwahaha-!" Zim attempted to laugh maniacally once more, but something fell on him from the ceiling. "Whee he he hoo! I'm a mongoose!" A familiar voice screamed out. Gir landed into Zim's dressing room cubicle, crushing Zim. "Ahh! Get off me Gir! It hurts!!!" Zim yelled out. People outside the dressing room started to stare at the commotion wondering what the heck was happening. A few mothers who were absently minded enough to let their kids come shopping with them took their child's wrist and left the store quickly.
In a dark dimly lighted room in a secret room, two shadowed men were staring at screens showing areas of Victoria's Secret, including the dressing rooms. "Oh, look Fred. There's another couple in a dressing room together."
"Ya know, Jerry, We should put a sign to stop that stuff…There's been five couples in a dressing room together during the past hour. It's really sick."
"Yes, but this is an unusual looking couple. They're so…small." Fred glanced over to the screen Jerry was staring at. "…And green." Fred added. The two security guards stared bug eyed at the psycho looking dog and the green boy with underwear on his head.
After a minute of being stuck to each other Zim had finally gotten the robot disguised as a dog that was disguised as a "mongoose" off of him. Zim whispered in a low harsh voice, "Gir! What are you doing here? If you do that again you will ruin our whole plan!" Gir shoved another bra over his eyes and screamed, "I'm Dib! Wheee!!!" Zim used his hand to cover his robot slave's loud mouth. He made a shush sound to Gir. "Quiet, Do you want to make these foolish human things notice us?!" Gir stuck his tongue out and grinned. "Okee dokee!" Zim narrowed one eye at Gir. "I'll just pretend you didn't say that." Gir then picked up another bra. "I'm Dib and I'm going to capture a moose! Moosey!!! Mooseys smell like cotton candy, just like Dib's head!" Gir opened the dressing room door and ran off, bra in paws.
While Gir was dressed as Dib and Zim was slowly losing his sanity, two familiar figures entered the Victoria's Secret. "Ugh, do we have to go in here?"
"Quiet! I don't want anyone from Skool to know I'm here." Gaz rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, okay. Just give me the $50 you paid me to come in here right when we get home or you'll wish I was never born." The gothic girl walked over to the corner of the store. She took her Game Slave 2 out of her nonexistent pocket and started tapping at the buttons. "Some help she is," muttered Dib. He somewhat casually walked around the store. The same lady who sampled the perfume for Zim walked up to Dib. "Would you like to try some of our newest perfume young man?" the lady asked. Dib gave a slight jump and turned around. His replied rather quickly, "Uh, I'm just looking around for my sister! That is all." He put his hand behind his back and began to sweat. The lady stared at him and walked away. Dib gave out a sigh of relief. He was safe, until…
"Whee hee hee!!! I'm Super Dib!" Gir raced down the store with many items on his body. He ran up to Dib and stared at him. "You smell like a wet puppy!" squealed Gir. Dib stared at the little dog confusingly. "That strange dog is here?" he told himself. "What's going on? Huh? Huh??" Gir's arms began to wave in circular motions. "You're head is greasy too! I like grease!" Gir latched onto Dib's trench coat. "Hey! Get off!" Dib yelled at the insane robot. Gir continued to hug the corner of Dib's trench coat. "I love yooooou…" Gir took out a piggy from his head. "Piggie! Hehehe!" Gir threw the piggy at Dib's head. "Ow! Watch where you-What the heck?!" A small boy walked out of the dressing room. He held his arms up in victory. It was none other than Zim.
"Human slaves, bow before your all mighty master, ZIIIIM!!!" Zim had decorated his head very nicely. He had put three different thongs on his head, one scary small bra around each of his arms, and to top it off he was wearing a silky black night gown over his usual Irken uniform. On his feet were Filler Bunny slippers, one which was two sizes too big, and the other five sizes too big for his tiny foot. Most people just gawked at his appearance. It wasn't everyday that you see a small green kid walking into Victoria's Secret and trying on the clothing. The nerds and geeks, however, bowed to him and/or got their cameras out. "Oh, this'll be great for the front page of my website!" One of the nerds squealed girlish like. One of the store employees gasped and ran up to the psychotic green child. "What do you think you're doing?" Zim laughed menacingly. "Silence lingerie slave monkey!" Zim began to read off of a poster at the front of the store. "Feast your eyes on my…eh, sex-e-ness!" The lady pulled Zim by the thongs on his head and dragged him into the back of the room. She dragged him through a door that read "Staff only."
Instead of a usual room with a desk and one of those water tube-thingies which are oh so fun to get water out of, there was a dark stairway with dripping water on the ceiling which wasn't as fun to get water out of. Now, I'm not the type to say that something is creepy, because, look who's talking, yet this place was just all creepy. The spider on the wall looked creepy, the torch burning blue fire beside the wall looked creepy, and everything looked creepy. The store lady and Zim said nothing while on their way down to the room. It must have been at least a mile down because it took awhile to get all the way to the bottom of the stairway and some bats lingered around the dark and dreary stairway. When they finally got to the end of the stairway all that lay in front of their eyes was a metal desk along with a metal chair that had its back turned to the lady and Zim.
The lady saluted to the thing in the chair. "We have another prankster for you, Mr. Kino." A hand could be seen from the side of the chair. "Yes, I know. Leave him here. I'll deal with him myself." Mr. Kino replied. The lady nodded and started her trip back up the stairs. The chair started rocking slightly. "So, I see you like to make trouble at the mall young man." Zim clenched his fist and glared. "I do not need to be taught a lesson you fool! Tell me the secret now!"
"What secret?" Mr. Kino asked.
"The secret to world invasion…TELL ME!!! Tell it to me, the future overlord of the planet Earth, ZIIIM!" The man chuckled. "Oh, that's what you mean! Many people have asked me that very question, yet none are as, obnoxious as you are. Perhaps you are worthy of knowing the secret of Victoria's Secret." Zim jumped onto the desk so very close to losing his cool. "Yes, yes! Enough with the chit chat! Tell me the secret!" The man chuckled again, but was interrupted by Zim. "Yes, yes, I know you like to laugh. Now, tell me, tell me the secret!"
"The secret, the secret of Victoria's Secret is-"
"Tell me!" Zim yelled out.
"The *secret* of Victoria's Secret is-"
"Tell me!!!"
"Shut up!" said Mr. Kino. Zim stood stiff not making a noise. "Now, the secret of Victoria's Secret is…
Victoria has no underwear."
Zim cocked his head to the side, extremely confused. "Eh? What is this?! Pah! Some secret! I knew it all along! After all, this is only a human store!"
The chair began to rock once again. "That and Victoria's Secret is an EVIL CORPORATION of DOOOM!!!!" Zim pointed an accusing finger at the man behind the chair. "Hah! I knew it all along! This IS a plan for world domination!" The man chuckled darkly. "And now, my green skinned little friend, I have to destroy you…After all, we want everyone to know this is only a human store, right?"
"It is only a mere skin condition!!!" Zim yelled out. "Must I need to tell everyone?!" The chair swooped a full 180 degrees. Zim jumped in shock at what he saw. "Wha…What is this?!" The man looked absolutely hideous. He had no hair on the top of his head, his clothes were hot pink, his skin was all droopy like the droopiness of a droopy basset hound, and his arms and neck were covered in large gold chains and medals. The man pointed at the intruder and said, "Girls, get him!"
Three extremely weird looking girls dropped down from the ceiling, each of them wearing valley girl clothing. The scary blonde girl named Cher stood up and brushed herself off. She stared at her nails and yelled out, "Oh my god oh my god! My nails!!! They've chipped! Like, we're going to so totally get you for this little green man!"
The other scary girl with black hair (We'll call her, uh, Tammie) stood up as well, five shopping bags in each hand. "Yea! Totally! We are like, going to start, like a totally furious cat fight with you. It'll be a total betty!" The other blonde girl who happened to be named Cassie huffed and pouted. "Loser plus loser equals what-ever!!!"
Cher looked up from applying her hideous hot pink make up. "Like, what are you talking about girlfriend?" Cassie grinned stupidly. "I loooove Chad! He's, like, such a baby doll!" the dim witted girl replied. The two girls stared at their hyped up friend as if she were an idiot (which she most likely was). Cher rolled her eyes and muttered, "Loser…" Tammie replied with a simple, "Totally."
The whole time Zim stared at the three insane fashion freaks. He didn't know weather to shoot them with lasers or to use the eye-taker-outer-putter- backer-thingy on them. Cher used one of her freakishly long "chipped" pink nails to poke Zim on the head. He squealed and rubbed the place where he got poked. The other two girls knelt by Zim and started to poke him as well. "Great Irk! It's that poke of doom Gir tried to use on me! AHH!!! The pain…the pain!!!" Zim quickly scurried out of the room. The girls just stared at Zim running away from them. Cher stood up and took out her hot pink cell phone. After two tries of opening the cell phone, she dialed a few buttons, and then put the phone up to her ear even though she had a hard time with it because of her long pink nails. Cher's voice changed from scary and preppy to very high, squeaky, and preppy voice. "Hiiii Chad! Oh my god, I just, like, got rid of my first intruder! Huh? What? I know! After three years with this boring job that was oh so going nowhere! Aren't I great? I know, I really am. Ok, byeeeee Chad!" With that, Cher attempted to turn off her cell phone, but her nails were too long to press the small pink off button. Instead she threw it down. The cell phone crashed to the ground and broke. With an evil smile on her face she said, "That's ok. I can use Daddy's credit card to buy another one again!"
"Totally!" replied the other two girls.
After five minutes of going up many flights of stairs, Zim finally got back to the store floor with the help of his spider legs. He gave a sign of relief. "Ahah! There you are space boy!" Zim looked towards the bra area of the store. "The Dib-human!" Zim yelled out to himself. "What are you doing here?!" Zim asked. Dib started to laugh nervously. "Uhh…It's for my sister!" he replied. Zim stared at Dib strangely. "Then why are you wearing a training bra?" Zim asked accusingly. Dib began to sweat nervously.
"For support! I mean, I mean I'm trying it on for Gaz! Yes, that's what I'm doing! Trying it on seems like the best reason." Zim rubbed his chin. "I see…Interesting. Do all brothers try on these Earth uniforms for their sisters?" Dib nodded his head in reply. "Uh, sure. Why not?"
"Whee hehehe!!! Hooker! Hookie hookie hookie hookerooni!!!" Gir was using his jets to fly around the store wearing a bra over his head and a silky pink robe. A young girl and her boyfriend pointed to Gir. "Look! In the sky!" Said the boy. "Like, it's SuperFreak!" the girl replied happily. As the bra on Gir's head was flying off, he saw Zim at the back of the store with Dib. "Its master and puppy head!" Gir rushed down to them. Instead of landing on his robotic feet, he landed on his head and made a dent in the ground. He quickly got up and stared at Zim and Dib. Gir stuck his waved his claw hand and squealed out, "Hiiii!!!" Zim and Dib stopped arguing to stare at the little insane robot. "Gir!" Zim commanded. "We must go out of this place. We shall find its weaknesses some other time…Then, we will conquer it!" Dib narrowed his eyes. "Let me guess, you're trying to invade Victoria's Secret now? That's your stupidest idea yet! Well, maybe not as stupid as the one with the slinkys…but, ah well, it's still pretty stupid." Zim glared at his rival. "You may not know, but Victoria's Secret is the ruler of this stink planet which I am going to take over, so hah!" Zim stuck his tongue out at Dib. "Yeah, right…" muttered Dib.
A voice interrupted them. It was none other than Gaz. "When are we going to go!?" she asked with an annoyed tone in her voice. She didn't look up from her game for a second while she talked. "In a few minutes Gaz." He replied. "I just need to take care of space boy here and save the Earth once more."
"Whatever" Gaz walked back to the front of the store to be in solitude once again. "Okay, Zim. Your…Zimmy Zim people will-Huh? Hey!" Before Dib could finish his best threat yet, Zim flew through the ceiling on Gir back. The sales lady ran up to where Zim and Gir went. She shrieked out, "Hey!!! You didn't pay for that!" and threw a gigantic lotion bottle towards them. Luckily it missed Zim and Gir and instead landed on the lady's face. "Ahh! Dammit! I just got my face lifted a week ago!" She took the lotion bottle off her face and rubbed her eyes. Dib, terrorized by what he saw ran away from the mutant lady.
Back at Zim's base, Zim yanked off the thongs and other items off his head. He kept the silky black nightgown on. "Gir, I believe the Victoria Secret human store is the key to the invasion. Once we invade that, then we can rule the world!!" Gir smiled innocently and stupidly. "Hooker!" Gir yelled out. Zim stared at his strange little servant strangely. "Eh?" Gir stuck his tongue out. "I was walking around the store and I saw a giant piggy flying in the sky. It tasted good. Then some lady came up to me and said hooker you are such a hooker you should stay in the alley where you belong and then I saw a picture of a lady with giant piggys surrounding her and I stared at the picture and then someone said go get a job you hooker." Zim just stared at Gir. "…Okay. Now, I need a plan to conquer this Victoria Secret thingy." Gir got out a bobby pin and began to play with it. "Bobby pin!" Zim's smiled darkly. "Ingenious!"
…The End?
A/N: Wow! You actually survived this insane fanfic! You deserve an award for this! (Gives you a half eaten moldy sandwich)…Heh, I was going to give you the whole moldy sandwich, but I got a little hungry during the story. I might write a sequel to this if enough people like it and give it reviews so you may be able to read more stuff from an author losing the little sanity she has left. For now, though, see you later!