SUMMARY:
Set before and during the events of TIMELESS. Tessa Ormond reflects on the end of her life as she knows it…
(this is my first fic. Feedback and comments are welcome. Thanks to Jim Wright's site for the dialogue)
He's far away again. Mind drifting, eyes unseeing. He lies next to me, arms wrapped around me, warm and strong, holding me. But I know he's not really here.
In less than twelve hours it will begin. We'll embark on the last thing I'll ever do in my life. This is the first quiet moment we've had for weeks, and I realize I'm surprisingly calm. I hope I can hold it together till the end.
Co-incidentally, there's a documentary on the viewscreen about Voyager. The "miracle shuttle" spat out of the collapsing quantum slipstream with its two survivors. A stunned looking Chakotay being swamped by reporters on his arrival back on earth.
Usually I would switch it off, the memories are painful for him, but today he doesn't even notice. Age has been kind to the man next to me. A splash of gray, a couple of creases around the eyes, that's all that distinguishes the man I love from the man in the fifteen year old news footage.
OK. So I've said it. I love him. A fool's love. For what I love is only half a man. The rest of him died fifteen years ago, on that doomed ship, with her.
Of course he never said, not once all these years. He's the consummate gentleman, considerate and kind. But so private and so reserved I'm not sure I know him at all. The only time he comes even close to alive is when he talks about Voyager. The adventures, the battles, the crew, his friends – and his captain.
I used to hate Kathryn Janeway. When he talked about her, his eyes would light up, the tension on his face would melt away. I could only sit there, trying to listen with interest, as the twin demons jealousy and anger drove white hot stakes into my heart.
But over time I realized this was a battle I would never win. He had nothing left to give me. Kathryn Janeway was his heart and his soul. The void her absence left could never be filled. In his own way I know he does love me. I suppose I should be grateful that whatever was left of his shattered heart, he chose to share with me.
The pain he struggled with must have been difficult. When Harry Kim arrived on our doorstep, Chakotay wouldn't even consider his proposal. To succeed would be miraculous, but the thought of failing, and reliving the loss, was too much to contemplate.
In the end, Harry asked me to talk to him.
"You've got to be kidding!" I snapped. "Why would I help you?"
"Because you love him. And you know his happiness isn't in this timeline."
I almost hit him. But he was right. I guess the "Young Ensign Kim" in Chakotay's stories had grown up, and become wise.
So I agreed, the lovesick fool that I am. I cajoled and persuaded, held him and wept with him. Finally, a sapling of hope took root and blossomed.
Chakotay became a different man. Over the last two years, as we planned and schemed, I saw new life and new light in his eyes. Perhaps it was the adrenaline, or fatigue, or maybe I'm just crazy. But I was so happy to see him this way, it never even occurred to me I was going to lose him.
Until now. When all our preparations are complete, and there isn't anything left to do. Harry suggested we get some rest. After all, we're going to need it. Sleep would elude us though, so here we are, wrapped in each other's arms, nothing to do, and nothing left to say.
"Hey Commander." I call softly. "Are you there?"
He jerks in surprise, and I feel like an intruder. Sorry, the corners of his lips lift slightly. "I was just…"
"Thinking." I finish the sentence for him. "I know." I climb astride him and stare at his face.
"What?" He asks, shifting uncomfortably.
I run my finger down the shape of his nose, across that strong forehead, tracing the spaces within the tattoo. "I just wanted to see you properly. One last time." I tell him, feeling a little foolish.
He laughs, harshly, without mirth. "Oh don't worry. Tomorrow, when we get caught, we'll have eternity to stare at each other – in prison."
I should be so lucky. I almost say. But there's anxiety in his eyes, and I know he seeks reassurance.
"We'll make it. We have to." I tell him confidently. "The thought of being imprisoned forever with Harry Kim and his neurosis is motivation enough."
He laughs again. This time for real. A deep, hearty guffaw which lights up his eyes, and forms those dimples I love so much. "I don't deserve you."
"Yeah, we both got real lucky."
He looks at me so intensely I thought my head would burst into flames. Then he pulls me to his chest tightly. I cling on for dear life, listening to his heartbeat, as we wait for dawn.
***
"...should our luck run out...I'd like to say for the record that the crew... Voyager ... acted ... distinction and valor..."
It was strange to hear her voice. And ironic. Fifteen years after her death, in my last moments with Chakotay, I still have to share him with her.
He sits frozen, in his seat as the message plays out. His hands gripping the armrests tightly. I can almost feel what he's going through.
"Are you okay?"
The reply sounds strangled. "Yes. It's just...the last time I was in this chair they were all here...alive."
"We're here to get them back." I touch his shoulder.
He snaps back to attention. Tapping into the tricorder, we wait whilst the information downloads.
Afraid that he'll drift away again, I ask hopefully "I don't suppose we have time for a tour?"
He manages a sad smile. "Afraid not. Besides, I left my quarters a mess."
As I struggle to plug the silence, he turns to me. "In just a few hours, if all goes as planned, we'll have changed history. The past 15 years...erased." He says it not like he's looking forward to it. He says it like it mattered, like I mattered. I almost want to cry.
"We don't have to do this." He continues. I notice he said we, not you. My heart flips.
Then don't! I want to scream. Let's get back in the flyer and go home. Let her go and come back with me. I want to say it but I can't.
Instead, I roll my eyes gamely. "Now you tell me." But I have to look away, the tears are close.
"I'm serious," He says. God, he really won't make this easy for me. I fight every impulse to believe him.
I face him with the strongest look I can manage. "So am I, and I have no intentions of backing out."
Now he turns away. He's struggling to say something. There's irony again. Last night, when we had all the time in the world, we had nothing to say. Now it's a race against time.
"Chakotay." I call his name, trying to keep him with me a bit longer.
"Look at me," He finally says, frustration in his eyes. "Last minute jitters, cold feet...I don't know what to call it. Ridiculous, isn't it? After all these years, working toward this moment--and when it finally comes all I can think about is losing you."
Against my better judgement, I ignore him. "Your heart has always been here, on Voyager." I tell him firmly. "That'll never change." There. I've said it. In one sentence I laid out my fears and insecurities, everything I've known and ignored all these years.
He looks uncertain, like a child. "This is where you belong." I insist, adding hopefully. "And who knows? Maybe we'll meet someday."
"But if we don't...?"
My heart shatters into a million pieces. "Then I'll miss you all the same."
As he holds my hand, I realize this is the most honest, the closest we have ever been together. Just behind him, on the icy floor, is Kathryn Janeway's body. Perhaps this is her gift to me, to thank me for returning him to her.
end
Set before and during the events of TIMELESS. Tessa Ormond reflects on the end of her life as she knows it…
(this is my first fic. Feedback and comments are welcome. Thanks to Jim Wright's site for the dialogue)
He's far away again. Mind drifting, eyes unseeing. He lies next to me, arms wrapped around me, warm and strong, holding me. But I know he's not really here.
In less than twelve hours it will begin. We'll embark on the last thing I'll ever do in my life. This is the first quiet moment we've had for weeks, and I realize I'm surprisingly calm. I hope I can hold it together till the end.
Co-incidentally, there's a documentary on the viewscreen about Voyager. The "miracle shuttle" spat out of the collapsing quantum slipstream with its two survivors. A stunned looking Chakotay being swamped by reporters on his arrival back on earth.
Usually I would switch it off, the memories are painful for him, but today he doesn't even notice. Age has been kind to the man next to me. A splash of gray, a couple of creases around the eyes, that's all that distinguishes the man I love from the man in the fifteen year old news footage.
OK. So I've said it. I love him. A fool's love. For what I love is only half a man. The rest of him died fifteen years ago, on that doomed ship, with her.
Of course he never said, not once all these years. He's the consummate gentleman, considerate and kind. But so private and so reserved I'm not sure I know him at all. The only time he comes even close to alive is when he talks about Voyager. The adventures, the battles, the crew, his friends – and his captain.
I used to hate Kathryn Janeway. When he talked about her, his eyes would light up, the tension on his face would melt away. I could only sit there, trying to listen with interest, as the twin demons jealousy and anger drove white hot stakes into my heart.
But over time I realized this was a battle I would never win. He had nothing left to give me. Kathryn Janeway was his heart and his soul. The void her absence left could never be filled. In his own way I know he does love me. I suppose I should be grateful that whatever was left of his shattered heart, he chose to share with me.
The pain he struggled with must have been difficult. When Harry Kim arrived on our doorstep, Chakotay wouldn't even consider his proposal. To succeed would be miraculous, but the thought of failing, and reliving the loss, was too much to contemplate.
In the end, Harry asked me to talk to him.
"You've got to be kidding!" I snapped. "Why would I help you?"
"Because you love him. And you know his happiness isn't in this timeline."
I almost hit him. But he was right. I guess the "Young Ensign Kim" in Chakotay's stories had grown up, and become wise.
So I agreed, the lovesick fool that I am. I cajoled and persuaded, held him and wept with him. Finally, a sapling of hope took root and blossomed.
Chakotay became a different man. Over the last two years, as we planned and schemed, I saw new life and new light in his eyes. Perhaps it was the adrenaline, or fatigue, or maybe I'm just crazy. But I was so happy to see him this way, it never even occurred to me I was going to lose him.
Until now. When all our preparations are complete, and there isn't anything left to do. Harry suggested we get some rest. After all, we're going to need it. Sleep would elude us though, so here we are, wrapped in each other's arms, nothing to do, and nothing left to say.
"Hey Commander." I call softly. "Are you there?"
He jerks in surprise, and I feel like an intruder. Sorry, the corners of his lips lift slightly. "I was just…"
"Thinking." I finish the sentence for him. "I know." I climb astride him and stare at his face.
"What?" He asks, shifting uncomfortably.
I run my finger down the shape of his nose, across that strong forehead, tracing the spaces within the tattoo. "I just wanted to see you properly. One last time." I tell him, feeling a little foolish.
He laughs, harshly, without mirth. "Oh don't worry. Tomorrow, when we get caught, we'll have eternity to stare at each other – in prison."
I should be so lucky. I almost say. But there's anxiety in his eyes, and I know he seeks reassurance.
"We'll make it. We have to." I tell him confidently. "The thought of being imprisoned forever with Harry Kim and his neurosis is motivation enough."
He laughs again. This time for real. A deep, hearty guffaw which lights up his eyes, and forms those dimples I love so much. "I don't deserve you."
"Yeah, we both got real lucky."
He looks at me so intensely I thought my head would burst into flames. Then he pulls me to his chest tightly. I cling on for dear life, listening to his heartbeat, as we wait for dawn.
***
"...should our luck run out...I'd like to say for the record that the crew... Voyager ... acted ... distinction and valor..."
It was strange to hear her voice. And ironic. Fifteen years after her death, in my last moments with Chakotay, I still have to share him with her.
He sits frozen, in his seat as the message plays out. His hands gripping the armrests tightly. I can almost feel what he's going through.
"Are you okay?"
The reply sounds strangled. "Yes. It's just...the last time I was in this chair they were all here...alive."
"We're here to get them back." I touch his shoulder.
He snaps back to attention. Tapping into the tricorder, we wait whilst the information downloads.
Afraid that he'll drift away again, I ask hopefully "I don't suppose we have time for a tour?"
He manages a sad smile. "Afraid not. Besides, I left my quarters a mess."
As I struggle to plug the silence, he turns to me. "In just a few hours, if all goes as planned, we'll have changed history. The past 15 years...erased." He says it not like he's looking forward to it. He says it like it mattered, like I mattered. I almost want to cry.
"We don't have to do this." He continues. I notice he said we, not you. My heart flips.
Then don't! I want to scream. Let's get back in the flyer and go home. Let her go and come back with me. I want to say it but I can't.
Instead, I roll my eyes gamely. "Now you tell me." But I have to look away, the tears are close.
"I'm serious," He says. God, he really won't make this easy for me. I fight every impulse to believe him.
I face him with the strongest look I can manage. "So am I, and I have no intentions of backing out."
Now he turns away. He's struggling to say something. There's irony again. Last night, when we had all the time in the world, we had nothing to say. Now it's a race against time.
"Chakotay." I call his name, trying to keep him with me a bit longer.
"Look at me," He finally says, frustration in his eyes. "Last minute jitters, cold feet...I don't know what to call it. Ridiculous, isn't it? After all these years, working toward this moment--and when it finally comes all I can think about is losing you."
Against my better judgement, I ignore him. "Your heart has always been here, on Voyager." I tell him firmly. "That'll never change." There. I've said it. In one sentence I laid out my fears and insecurities, everything I've known and ignored all these years.
He looks uncertain, like a child. "This is where you belong." I insist, adding hopefully. "And who knows? Maybe we'll meet someday."
"But if we don't...?"
My heart shatters into a million pieces. "Then I'll miss you all the same."
As he holds my hand, I realize this is the most honest, the closest we have ever been together. Just behind him, on the icy floor, is Kathryn Janeway's body. Perhaps this is her gift to me, to thank me for returning him to her.
end