Return of the Dork Knight
By Metal Gear Prime
Summary: The best ever parody of the Beast Machines episode 'In Darkest Knight'! Probably.
Cybertron, possibly at night. Nightscream can be seen wandering aimlessly. From a distance Optimus 'Tree-hugger' Primal can be heard.
Primal: Dude! Like, what bogus slagger hid my hemp?!?
Nightscream: Geez, someone's in a bad mood today.
As the insanely ugly Maximal lumbers on he spots a slab which has been recently clawed.
Nightscream: It IS you, isn't it?!?
Slab: No, I am but a mere slab. Piss off ya weird lookin' freak.
Ignoring the slab, Nightscream began to finger the gash.
Slab: Whoa! Aren't we forward!
Nightscream: Oh, Noble! Oh, Savage! Whiter art thou, freakishly sparkless deviant?
Voice: ARRRROOOOOOOOO!
Nightscream: Noble?
Excited, Nightscream follows the howl to its source, which turns out to be Thrust and Jetstorm. Neither Vehicon know that he's there.
Thrust: ARRRRROOOOOOOOOO!
Jetstorm (clapping his hands in delight): Yes! Now do an impression of a pregnant duck lifting a car!
Deciding to get away before he could be spotted, Nightscream tripped over a divot and was immediately spotted.
Thrust/Jetstorm: YOU!
Nightscream: ME!
Thrust rolls over to Nightscream and grabs him by the shoulders.
Thrust: You didn't see nuthin', you hear me? YOU DIDN'T SEE NUTHIN'!
Nightscream: Leave me alone you big bully! I've been through enough hardship!
Thrust: You've been through enough hardship? You don't know what hardship is!
Flashback: Megatron's throne room. Megatron is in his position attached to the ceiling as Jetstorm, Thrust and Tankorr enter the room.
Jetstorm: You wanted to see us Big M?
Megatron: I did, yesssss. And stop calling me that.
Jetstorm: You got it Big M.
Megatron: Idiot. Anyway, you all know that four Maximals are running around with their sparks still in their bodies.
Tankorr: RRRAAGH! TANKORR NO LIKE CHEESE WITH BACON!
Silence.
Megatron: …uh, yesssss. I have decided that all available energon will be put into the effort to eradicate these pests. This will mean…sacrificing a few things.
Thrust: Like?
Megatron: Well, for starters all lights will be down to quarter power…
Thrust: Okay, that's not so bad.
Megatron: …all recreational facilities will be shut down for the foreseeable future…
Jetstorm: It'll be tough, but if it guarantees victory, we'll see it through.
Megatron: …and instead of 6,000,987 TV channels, we will be reduced to having just the Intergalactic Knitting Channel.
Generals: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jetstorm: Hold me Tankorr, hold me…
Back to the present day…
Thrust (tears in his optics): I still have nightmares of those days.
Nightscream: Uh-huh. Are we gonna fight now or what?
Jetstorm: Yes! We are here to fight and we have a fight on our hands! So we shall fight, for fighting is what we do! We shall fight, and then when the fighting is done, we shall have some more fights on our hands!
Thrust: Uh…yeah.And so began the obligatory chase scene.
Meanwhile, at the Maximal base…
Rattrap, in his Gary Coleman/lawnmower like robot mode, is fiddling around with a device as Blackarachnia drops down behind him.
Blackarachnia: TRANSMETAL BODIES ON SALE!
Rattrap: Where? WHERE?!?
Rattrap transforms back into his diseased rat mode.
Blackarachnia: Aw man, that never gets old!
Rattrap: Geez, ya really know how to hit a guy where it hurts don't ya?
Blackarachnia: Yup! So what ya workin' on?
Blackarachnia tries to get a good look at Rattrap's device but is stopped by the midget Maximal.
Rattrap: Eh-eh! Look with your eyes, not with your…um, feet.
Blackarachnia: Okay, that's a spark extractor, but what's it hooked up to?
Rattrap: A DNA scanner, da most advanced I could find.
Rattrap holds a bone up. The scanner activates and starts to scan the bone.
DNA Scanner: DNA of object identified. Object is gazelle/potbellied pig hybrid, from this point on to be known as a 'pigelle'.
Blackarachnia gives Rattrap a look.
Rattrap: Eh, still needs some work.
Blackarachnia: Why'd you build it anyway?
Rattrap: Me an' Optimus wanted to find a way to restore da Transformers' sparks to their old bodies.
Blackarachnia: Really? You and Optimus?
Rattrap: Well, not really. In fact, I hadda kick Optimus outta da lab when he insisted we make da device entirely out of hemp.
Blackarachnia: Ah.
At this point Cheetor and Primal walk in.
Primal: Dudes! Did Nightscream return from his gnarly recon mission?
Blackarachnia: Not yet.
Primal: Man! It's been, like, three megacycles!
Cheetor: Vehicons?
Primal: Could be. Those bogus Vehicons have been sending out some seriously negative vibes, you known what I'm sayin'?
Cheetor: Not even remotely. Now let's go!
The Maximals exit the lab, Blackarachnia only stopping to swipe the device.
Blackarachnia: YOINK!
*****
Back with Nightscream now, as we see him surrounded by a circle of bike drones.
Thrust: Ha ha! Let's see you get out of this one kid!
Nightscream stares at Thrust for a few seconds before transforming into his bat mode and flying straight up.
Thrust: …Well, that was embarrassing.
Jetstorm: You unicycled twunk! I'LL deal with him!
Just as Jetstorm is about to take aim the Maximals arrive and start firing at the Vehicons.
Rattrap (to Nightscream): Had to stay up past yer bed time didn't ya?
Nightscream: But it's only two in the afternoon.
Rattrap: Yeah well, we believe in going to bed EXTREMELY EARLY in these parts kiddo!
Nightscream: Ease up would ya? I was just looking for Noble.
Cheetor: Blah blah Noble blah blah mindless beast blah blah blah.
Thrust: Enough talk! LET'S RUMBLE!
And so the battle commenced, with Primal striking the first blow by jumping into the path of a bike drone and standing stock-still. Twenty bike drones start to beat the living daylights out of him as the other Maximals actually did some fighting. As the battle rages on Blackarachnia jumped on top of Jetstorm who, in his own terms, was 'directing the battle' and, in everyone else's terms, was 'resting his lazy ass'.
Jetstorm: You again! There are laws against stalking you know.
Blackarachnia: Yeah, yeah. Catch me!
Blackarachnia runs off. Jetstorm chases after her, the device stuck to his back. Back at the fight, everyone freezes as Megatron's giant head fortress looms into view. It focuses a light on Primal and starts to beam him up.
Primal: Dude…I can see the light!
Cheetor: Big Bot!
Cheetor grabs onto Primal's legs, only to get sucked up himself.
Cheetor: One of these days I'm gonna have to practice this 'think before you act' thing I keep hearing about.
Once both Maximals are aboard the ship it zooms away. The remaining Maximals respond in various and productive ways: Blackarachnia leaps into a sewer with Jetstorm hot on her heels, Nightscream gets clobbered by Thrust while Rattrap takes a nap.
Thrust: WOO-HOO! I got one! I got one!
Unfortunately for him, an ominous red shape was prowling around behind him. Upon hearing a roar, Thrust spun around in time to see a large red tail slam into him. The impact sent him flying to the base of a large tower, where a fireball spat by Savage led to the obvious conclusion.
Thrust (just before he's crushed): Whoa, déjà vu!
With the Vehicon general momentarily eliminated, Savage picks Nightscream up in his teeth and flies away. Rattrap wakes up to see this.
Rattrap: Nightscream! Fear not friend of friends, I'll save ya! Nothing shall distract me as I endeavor ta free ya from da grip of dat overgrown iguana!
Suddenly there's a beeping noise from Rattrap's watch.
Rattrap (looking at his watch): Ooh! Dirty Pair Flash is on in ten minutes!
Rattrap roars off back to the Maximal base. Meanwhile Blackarachnia leads Jetstorm on a merry chase underground. Eventually Jetstorm comes to a cave opening with webbing strewn across it.
Jetstorm: Heh heh heh…nice try sweetcakes.
Inside the cave, above the entrance, Blackarachnia pushes a button. A boot pops out of the ceiling behind Jetstorm and kicks him into the web and the cave, where he lands in a pile of green goo.
Jetstorm: ACK! What is this stuff?
Blackarachnia: Optimus has had a pretty bad cold this week.
Jetstorm: So you mean this is…aw, MAN!
The DNA scanner part of the device activates and starts to sweep the cave. It scans a condor, a T-Rex, a rhino, an ant, a parakeet, a mushroom, a sponge and a lawyer before it starts to reconfigure Jetstorm. Much agonized screaming and flashy light effects ensue. When it is over, Silverbolt is laying there in the web. Blackarachnia steps toward him cautiously.
Blackarachnia: Silverbolt?
Close up on Silverbolt's eye as it opens dramatically. Blackarachnia gasps, sees her reflection in his eye and straightens her hair.
Silverbolt: Black…arachnia?
Blackarachnia: Is it really you?
Silverbolt: STAY BACK! OR I'LL SUE!
Blackarachnia: Eh?
Silverbolt bursts out of the web and perches on a rock. He is now a condor.
Silverbolt: What…what am I?
Blackarachnia: Silverbolt…
Silverbolt: No, seriously. What the slag am I?
Blackarachnia: Would you mind sticking to the script?
Silverbolt: I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!
Silverbolt flies off.
Blackarachnia: …the hell?
*****
On board Megatron's fortress, we can see Primal and Cheetor floating around in their beast modes, surrounded by a red energy field.
Megatron: Greetings, Optimus Primal!
Primal: Dude! I can hear the voices!
Megatron: Enough blathering you fool! Tell me the secrets of the Oracle!
Primal: Later, dude, later. Lemme tell ya all about my awesome journey to Cyberstock 3456! It all began one balmy summer morning…
Megatron: Oh for the love of…
Meanwhile, in some barren part of Cybertron, Nightscream wakes up to find a huge pile of metallic apples stacked in front of him. Noble is standing behind them.
Nightscream: NOBLE! Thank Primus I found –
Noble interrupts Nightscream by tapping on an old metal sign that reads: 'AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR AWAY'.
Nightscream: So?
Noble points behind Nightscream. The Maximal turns around to discover zombified versions of Ratchet, First Aid and Fixit shambling towards him. Reacting quickly, Nightscream grabs an apple and bites into it. The zombie trio howl and hiss in dismay before shambling off into the night.
Nightscream: Dude, this is seriously &$*%£@ up right here…
*****
On a random rooftop Silverbolt watches Megatron's ship float past as Blackarachnia lands behind him.
Silverbolt: How can you stand the sight of me?
Blackarachnia: Trust me, once you've seen Rattrap there's nothing in the universe that can disgust you.
Silverbolt: That, my good lady, is slander! I'll see you in court!
Blackarachnia: Okay, what the slag are you talking about?
Silverbolt: I…I think…the DNA scanner may have mixed the condor with another animal…one of almost unholy evil.
Blackarachnia: Y-you mean…
Silverbolt: That's right…A LAWYERCON!
Lightning flashes. Thunder booms. Silverbolt spreads his wings and flies off, only for Blackarachnia to fire a web lasso and send him crashing back down.
Blackarachnia: What? You're bailing on me? After all I've been through?!?
Silverbolt: After what YOU'VE been through?!?
Silverbolt gets out of the lasso and struts about angrily.
Blackarachnia: Look, you helped me see the light once…
Silverbolt: I was a fool then. I believed in things. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny…the first broken illusions are always the worst.
Blackarachnia: Uh-huh. Look, Optimus and Cheetor have been captured by Megatron. We have to save them!
Silverbolt: Why?
Blackarachnia: No idea, we just have to save them.
Silverbolt: Fair enough.
Blackarachnia jumps on Silverbolt as the two of them makes their way to Megatron's ship. As they near it we go inside the ship to see some monitors showing the duo on their approach.
Megatron: So! Silverbolt has come himself. Okay then! I shall get Silverbolt to fight me, heh heh heh!
Silence.
Megatron: Damn Singapore/English translation.
A few minutes later, Silverbolt and Blackarachnia enter a large room on board the ship. Both are slightly fried, Silverbolt is now painted shocking pink with green polka dots and Blackarachnia's hair has been poofed up into an afro.
Blackarachnia: Just HAD to push the red button didn't you?
A loud laugh cuts off Silverbolt's reply. The Maximal duo watch as a column of digitized data zooms up into the ceiling and arranges itself to vaguely resemble Megatron's face.
Megatron: Greetings my general! Even befouled by techno-organic matter you prove your worth.
Silverbolt: I don't work for you anymore.
Megatron: Mind your manners! I rescued your spark from oblivion! I chose you as my general for a reason!
Blackarachnia: Yeah, to satisfy his twisted sense of humor!
Megatron: Well, yes there was that. But I did have another excellent reason for choosing you as my general.
Silverbolt: Really? What?
Megatron: Um…
Blackarachnia: Don't listen to him Silverbolt! He turned you into a monster!
Megatron: True, but I gave him strength! I gave him power!
Blackarachnia: We gave him friendship! I gave him my heart!
Megatron: Big deal! You have about three of those.
Blackarachnia: But it was mine, dammit!
Silverbolt: AHEM.
Blackarachnia and Megatron look at Silverbolt.
Silverbolt: May I contribute?
Megatron/Blackarachnia: What is it?
Silverbolt: Well, I would just like to say…BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Deranged with anger Silverbolt leaps into the air and transforms into a samurai-esque warrior, complete with giant scary eyes and Lani Tupu beard. He races forward and proceeds to toss iron feathers at everything in the room. Megatron's image breaks apart as power lines are severed in the onslaught.
Blackarachnia: Hmm, I wonder where Optimus and Cheetor could be?
A second later Primal and Cheetor crash down next to her.
Blackarachnia: Oh, there you are.
Primal: …dude.
Cheetor: Let's get out of here!
Primal and Cheetor transform to robot mode and race for the closing door. Primal reaches it and shoves it open enough to allow Cheetor through.
Primal: Blackarachnia! Silverbolt! Like, get your asses over here!
Blackarachnia looks over to Silverbolt who's still madly flinging feathers around. Whipping out a billy club, the spider whacks the condor across the back of the head. He goes down like a sack of spuds, allowing Blackarachnia to drag him to the door.
Primal: Where the slag d'ya keep that thing?
Blackarachnia: Wouldn't you like to know.
The Maximals beat a swift retreat out of the ship, eventually leaping out of the escape hatchway and landing safely on a road.
Blackarachnia: Finally, the nightmare's over.
Cheetor: Guys? Aren't we forgetting a few units?
Nightscream: Hi guys.
The Maximals turn to see Nightscream walking towards them with Noble in tow.
Cheetor: Hi Nightscream, Noble.
Noble: Meow?
Rattrap chooses this moment to show up.
Rattrap: Hey dere!
Blackarachnia: Rattrap? Where the slag have you been?
Rattrap: I wuz…uh…trying ta finda way to save you guys! Yeah, dat's da ticket…
Cheetor: Riiiiiight. Say, where's Silverbolt gotten off to?
A distance away, unseen by the Maximals, Thrust surveyed the scene in front of him. Deciding he couldn't take the Maximals on his own he activated his arm communicator.
Thrust: Jetstorm! I need back up! Jetstorm!
A shadow falls over Thrust. The Vehicon looks up only to receive the full power of Silverbolt's 'scary eye glare'.
Silverbolt: Jetstorm is gone…and so are YOU!
Thrust: Oh yeah?! Well, we'll see…wait, what are you doing with that potato peeler? No…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*Scene removed due to graphic violence*
*****
A while later, on yet another random building top, Blackarachnia joins Silverbolt in sitting down. After a minute of silence she speaks up.
Blackarachnia: No one blames you for what you did. You were under Megatron's control.
Silverbolt: Yes. Officer Sun…is avenged.
Blackarachnia: ?
Silverbolt: Sorry, wrong script. Anyway, the point is I reveled in the destruction I caused. REVELED!
Silence.
Silverbolt: I don't know what I am anymore.
Blackarachnia: You're a weird-ass condor/samurai/lawyer by the look of it.
Silverbolt: I was talking in the metaphysical sense.
Blackarachnia: I know.
More silence. Blackarachnia grabs Silverbolt's hand.
Silverbolt: What will we be doing tonight?
Blackarachnia: The same thing we do every night. TRY TO STOP OPTIMUS SMOKING ALL THE HEMP!
As the camera pans up into the evening sky a song starts to play:
They're BA and the 'Bolt,
They're BA and the 'Bolt,
One's cool and sexy, the other is a dolt,
Back on planet Earth,
They used to shoot and flirt,
They're BA, they're BA and the 'Bolt, 'Bolt, 'Bolt, 'Bolt, 'Bolt!
End