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Judgement Day

I look at Tony. He's holding that piece of paper in his hands which says we have never been married. The moment the judge handed it to him I felt numb. I had been married to him without knowing it for almost a year. The loss I feel almost knocks me from my feet. Tony had been so eager to solve all the difficulties that this "marriage" had caused us that I feel neglected and unwanted more than ever. I think he hasn't even thought about me or what I feel since we decided to go to South Carolina. No, not we. He had made the decision to go and fight for that annulment. I accepted. Did I have a choice? I don't think so.

I'm standing here, holding that paper in my hand. The paper which says I've never been married to Angela. For a moment I feel proud that I made it happen. That I declared to the judge my reasons and he saw the truth in my words. And suddenly, I realize that I've said the truth, I hadn't lied to him about my intentions only to get him to sign the paper. I do want to marry someone I love and cherish. I hugged and kissed Angela after the judge had put his signature on the bottom, but if I'm honest with myself, my relief flew through the window when I looked into Angela's eyes. At first she said I was fantastic and I felt great, but then she turned her back to me and walked a few steps away. She kneaded the handkerchief I had given her when she almost cried at the wedding of that couple who was before us.

After Tony had kissed me so profusely I was stunned. And also not. It wasn't a kiss between lovers or anything. It was an effusive smooching without deeper meaning. Now I realize what had really happened. He had been my husband and I've lost him. I didn't say much when Tony had tried to find a solution for our problem with the IRS. I even suggested I pay the taxes and forget about everything, but he didn't want to. It had bothered him that we'd still be married and he didn't want a divorce due to his Catholicism. I suddenly feel sad and hollow. Would we ever figure out what we both want?

When I look at her, standing in the middle of the office I can see she isn't relieved. She is on the verge of crying and I don't feel so fantastic anymore. I feel alone, like I lost something. Someone. And I have. I had the most beautiful and wonderful wife anyone could ever have and got rid of her before I even had a chance of a living with her. I live with her, but not in that way. What would she have said if I had suggested staying married? A cold hand clasps my heart. Did she expect something like that? I was angry when the auditor told us we were officially married and bullheaded that I am, I didn't want to leave the decision, married or not, to a tax chick. I thought Angela agreed with my opinion, but she was more reluctant to fight for an annulment than me. Why didn't I notice earlier?

I'm glad he feels the loss too. He seems surprised by his feeling. I reassured him and told him that we both should be happy now. But I'm not.

I told her that we wanted to be single and now we are. She agrees and then it hit me. I don't want to be single and more important I don't want her to be single. She belongs to me, but I can't say that to her, can I? But I want her to know that I care deeply for her. That I'm interested in her so I suggested a date. A real date.

Tony wants to date me! Tonight. I don't know what to think about it. My first reaction was to tell him I don't kiss on the first date. Why did I say that? I now feel stupid , I mean this isn't even our first date...

She tells me she doesn't kiss on the first date and I say we'll see. I lead her out of the office and offer her my arm. She takes it and we walk over directly to the elevator. I push the button, it comes and we step in. She stands close beside me and I like her proximity. Her scent befuddles me. I suddenly know that I have to tell her. The annulment paper burns like fire in my pocket.

Tony stands so close to me, I can smell his cologne. It's intoxicating. I turn my head to him and my eyes meet his. He looks concerned. It seems, he wants to say something to me and doesn't know how. How I wish I could read his thoughts. Could it be that he feels like I do? When I'm honest with myself: I didn't want this annulment. I feel like I have been his wife for ages. Well, with a short interruption when he dated Kathleen and I Andy. The last few weeks have proven that our relationship was more important to us than dating other people. I don't want to date anyone else, but I'm not sure about Tony. What does he want?

She looks at me and her eyes are making me crazy. Just like that moment in the office when I almost said, "when I marry Angela... "What had gotten into me? Her eyes had beseeched me and I know those words came directly from my heart. What I almost blurted out so frankly was true. I thought about marrying her for a long time, why have I stepped back once again? To be free? For what? For whom? I don't feel any freedom and I don't want to. One more thing comes to my mind. She is free too, able to do whatever she wants. She hasn't dated since Andy. In fact, she stopped seeing him when I brought Billy to us. What kind of woman does something like this? Banishing her boyfriend for an unfamiliar child? Just for Billy or maybe a little... for me? But she could meet another guy soon. I can't do anything else but feel deep love for her.

Tony and I are leaving the building. He is free now and so am I. I don't feel free. Did I ever feel free? Even when I dated Andy and he dated Kathleen we still had a connection. I hid my feelings then and I still do. We are walking in silence, seemingly both overwhelmed by mixed feelings. I want to break the awkward stillness between us but I don't know how. Tony has been the driving force going through this and I feel lonely.

We walk and walk, drawing closer to the hotel. She is so quiet. I'm so insensitive, I now feel that heavy weight on me. I rejected her in Jamaica, then again when I was with Kathleen and now by showing her my eagerness to be unmarried. I regretted Jamaica and Kathleen a lot and now I'm going to regret what I did today too. How can I think I can make this up to her with a simple date? I grasp her arm and she stopps walking in response. I need to say it now. I don't want let this hang between us.

"Angela?"

"Yes Tony?"

"I want to tell you that I liked being married to you.''

''How can you know that?'' She replies and her sad eyes are haunting me.

"What?"

'' I mean, there was no time to get used to it or really experience it.''

I don't know whether she means it sarcastically or not. ''What I'm trying to say is, ...,'' I stutter, '' Angela, that paper...'' I draw it out of my pocket and wave it in front of her. '' Look, I ...I feel so much more bonded to you than a piece of paper can show you. I don't need to be married to feel what I feel and the past year has proven that I... I need you more in my life than ever. There's no-one in the world I'd rather go out with than you, Angela. I'm sorry when I hurt you with wanting this annulment, but it was the truth I said to the judge." I look at her and take her hand to my lips, I press a light kiss on her soft skin and place her hand at my cheek. I want her to understand me and she feels so good. I need her forgiveness so much.

I feel his cheek under my hand. His eyes are begging for understanding and I know he means every single word. I draw my hand away and take one step to close the gap between us. I put my arms around his neck. Instantly he wraps his arms around me too and holds me tight. ''It's my pleasure to go out with you.'' I murmur in his ear..He whispers that it's not so easy to find an appropriate person to go out with and I smile, abruptly changing my earlier opinion. I definitely know that I'll kiss him on our date.

Many, many thanks to VioletStella, my dearest proofreader.