Truer Words
By Morganperidot
1.
The sound of her cell phone ringing woke Alicia Florrick from a sound sleep on the bed in her apartment. She reached blindly for the switch on the bedside lamp and turned it on, then glanced at the clock on the nightstand. For a moment she didn't understand the time she was seeing: 3:18. Someone was calling her at 3:18 in the morning? The ringing had stopped, but then it started again. She picked up the phone and was even more surprised to see the name of the caller emblazoned across the screen in bright digital letters: Will. Will? She sat up and felt her heart pounding in her chest. After everything that had happened why was Will calling her in the middle of the night?
Alicia pushed the answer button and put the phone to her ear. "Will?" she said. There was no response, and she moved the phone away to see if he had hung up. The line was still connected, so she brought the phone back to her ear. "Will?" she asked. "Are you there?"
"Alicia," he said, and the tone of his voice was even more chilling than the silence had been. He said nothing further.
"We shouldn't be talking like this, Will," Alicia said. "You and I…"
"You and I," Will repeated, and there was a slight slur to his words that gave away his intoxication.
"We can't talk like this, Will," Alicia said.
"We never could, could we?" Will asked. "We could never talk. We could never have that talk where we were going to talk about those things we couldn't talk about."
Alicia smiled briefly despite the context. "You're drunk," she said.
"I am so drunk," Will said.
"You know we can't have a personal conversation now, Will," Alicia said, "not after everything that's happened. This isn't…"
"I don't care," Will said. "I don't care about all that crap."
"Yes, you do," Alicia said. "You care about Lockhart Gardner. And you don't want to say anything that will put that in jeopardy. So, we should just…"
"I loved you," Will said.
Alicia felt the words like a dagger straight into her heart. She closed her eyes for a moment and moved the phone away again. Her thumb hovered near the end call button, and she knew she should do it, end it now, cut it off, let it go. She had to. She had left the firm and stayed with Peter, and everything that might have been with Will was over and done – and had been for quite a while. And yet when she opened her eyes and took a breath and looked around her empty bedroom, she knew better than to believe it could be that easy. She looked at the phone again; he was still there. "Will," she said.
"I'm here," he said softly, in a whisper that sent a shiver through her.
Alicia remembered the softness of his lips and his fingertips, the way he had caressed her skin in the darkness and held her next to him. "I loved you, too," she said, without any shame. He was silent in response, and she wished she could see his eyes and know that what he felt was something more than just this pain.
"I want to have that talk…"
"No, Will," Alicia said. "We can't. You know we can't." And she knew how easy it would be for the lines that were finally clear and distinct in her mind to become blurred again.
"I know we didn't, and we pretended that was because we couldn't," Will said. She heard him swallow and then set something on a solid surface. Alicia wanted a drink too, something strong and warm, something to make this easier. But she could tell that whatever Will was drinking wasn't doing that for him. "Everything is broken now, Alicia," he said. "It doesn't matter anymore. I just need a few minutes to talk with you, so that I can believe it wasn't all a waste of time."
"You shouldn't…"
"Don't say that to me," Will said with precise clarity. Alicia felt the back of her eyes sting with the possibility of tears, and she didn't trust her voice to respond. "I'm calling in my favor," Will continued, his tone more firm. "When you needed me all those years ago I was there to help you. I gave you a job and future. And there was a moment later on when I gave you a whole lot more than that. You know that. And you know that you owe me, Alicia. You owe me a few minutes alone face to face before we can end this. You owe me that, and I won't relinquish that claim."
Alicia parted her lips to argue, but she knew he was right, and she was to exhausted to keep up the fight. "Where could we meet?" she asked finally. "I can't go to your office; you can't come here. We can't be seen in public together. There's no…"
"Come here," Will said.
Alicia had avoided his place even when they were together; the idea of going there had seemed too real, too much like part of the relationship that they couldn't really have while she was married to another man and working as Will's employee. And now with everything in upheaval – everything as he had said, broken – it seemed even less of a good idea. There was too much anger and sadness mixed together; it was hard to know how that combination was going to shake out. "I don't think so, Will," she said.
"Stop thinking so much," Will said. "It's exhausting."
Alicia laughed. God, he knew her well. "It just seems like a bad idea," she said.
"Well, we could do that motel over on the corner of…"
"No," Alicia said, remembering clearly what motel he was referring to, in a suburban area just outside of Chicago. The room had been small with a full-size bed that had rough white sheets and a bed spread that was too dark and heavy. There had been candles and wine and pizza – and laughter, surprisingly a lot of laughter. They had watched TV in bed, some mindless romantic comedy where everything fit together and turned out all right in the end. It had all been so strange and ridiculous and perfect.
"Then come here," Will said.
Alicia sighed. "Give me the address," she said. He told her, and she didn't write it down but knew she wouldn't forget it. "I don't know when I can…"
"Today," Will said.
"Stop pushing," Alicia said, but she was smiling.
"I can't," Will said.
"OK, today," Alicia said. "I'll find a way."
"Thank you," Will said.
There was silence, and Alicia thought he wanted to add something more, but he didn't say anything. "Goodnight, Will," she said finally.
"Goodnight, Alicia," Will said.
She ended the call and set the phone back on the nightstand, then shut off the light and curled up in the bedclothes again. She was tired, but she didn't fall back asleep for a while. She kept hearing Will's voice in her mind saying 'I loved you'. And she kept seeing that night in the motel and remembering how loved she had felt, which was something she hadn't really felt since.
2.
Still, later that Saturday morning when she was up and about, Alicia was having second, third, and fourth thoughts about meeting with Will at his place. Some of those thoughts included concerns that he might be setting her up in some way – either to destroy her new firm or her marriage or both – but nothing in his tone or behavior had led her to believe that he was deceiving her. She wondered if she should tell Peter, but she knew how he would respond. It was better to just get this out of the way. She did owe Will something, not only for the job but also for the stolen moments they had together. If this was what he wanted in payment, it was really the least she could do.
Alicia took a cab to Will's building; she didn't want her car to be seen parked nearby. She had dressed conservatively in a beige suit and heels, so if someone did see her it was likely they would think it had to do with a client. She walked quickly to the door of the building and gave her name and Will's to the concierge once inside, then waited while the concierge called him. She knew this was all traceable, but she didn't see any reason that it would come to that. Nothing was happening here, and nothing was going to happen. This was just an ending.
She took the elevator up to his penthouse, and the doors opened directly into the apartment's interior. "Will?" she said, as she walked inside, her heels clicking on the hard wood floor.
"I'm feeling underdressed," Will said. Alicia looked to her right and saw him sitting on a brown sofa wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans. "Should I change into a suit?" he asked.
Alicia smiled. "No," she said. She looked around at the autumn-colored décor and wood accents, very rustic and manly. "Nice place," she said.
"Thanks," Will said. "Do you want something to drink? Coffee? Juice? Soda? Water?"
"No, thanks," she said. She unbuttoned her jacket and then walked over to the other end of the sofa and sat down. "Let's just do this," she said. Alicia slid off her shoes; she had noticed Will's bare feet, and her own were starting to hurt. Her shoes were gorgeous and expensive but not that comfortable. She turned toward Will, bent her knees, and slid her feet up on the sofa, then waited for him to start.
Will sighed. "You and I had a connection," he said. "But what we did – what we felt – that's just gone?"
"You were my boss, and I'm married," Alicia said. "Where was it going to go?"
"You could have left Peter," Will said.
"He and I have children together," Alicia said. "I couldn't just…"
"A lot of divorced couples have children," Will said. "Why would you stay with him after what he did to you?"
"I love him, and I know he loves me and our kids," Alicia said. But somehow that didn't sound like it was the truth. She knew Peter wanted to be with her and wanted her to be his wife. But did he really love her? "We're a family," she said.
"Family means a lot of different things these days," Will said. "People get divorced and remarried – or not – but there are a lot of different definitions." He was silent for a moment and looked away. "I know you don't want to hurt your kids," he said. "I understand that. But I also know that Peter hurt you, and I can't believe that you don't see that betrayal every time you look at him."
"Married couples…"
"This isn't about platitudes, Alicia," Will said, looking back at her. "And I don't want to hear you say them to me as if they were a legitimate argument. I know what I saw and felt when we were together, and it was good, really good. I don't believe that you have that with Peter."
Alicia knew she should tell Will that she did. She had chosen Peter; Peter had changed so they could be together. And that was because the two of them belonged together, because it felt right for them to be together, because it felt the best for her when she was with him, right? And yet she said nothing in response to Will's statement, because she knew there was no supportable reply. The bottom line was that it had been different with Will, and it had been better with him. It had been more right with him. "I made my decision," she said. "I chose Peter."
"Because you're afraid to take a chance on me," Will said. "You chose the stability of being with Peter even though you aren't happy with him…"
"I didn't say that," Alicia said. "Peter and I are happy enough." She knew her error as soon as she had finished speaking, but the word 'enough' had just followed the others too easily. Will just looked at her, his brown eyes soft. She wanted to move over to him and lay her head in his lap and feel the gentle touch of his fingertips in her hair. Maybe coming here was a mistake she thought, but of course she had known that all along. "Will, there are too many reasons that we can't be together," she said. "You know that."
Will moved closer to her, less than a foot away. He held up his left hand, and as he spoke he raised a finger for every reason. "Our firms are at war," he said. "You're married. You have two kids that love their father. I have a shady past, and I can be something of an unethical jerk." Then he put his hand on her right leg.
"Yeah, those," Alicia said. She moved to close up that space a bit more.
Will's hand slid along her thigh, and Alicia sighed at his touch. "Why did you leave the firm?" Will asked.
"You know why I had to leave," Alicia said.
"Say it," Will said.
"I think it might be better if I just showed you," Alicia said. She gently pushed him so his back was against the sofa cushions and straddled him with her knees. She looked into his eyes, and he looked back, his lips parted and ready. "You know this is such a colossal mistake," she said to him, leaning toward him, her hands on his chest.
"And it's incredibly stupid," Will said, pressing her closer with his hands against her back. Alicia brought her lips to his, firmly, in a hungry, passionate kiss. When his lips were free he added, "So really truly incredibly stupid," with a smile.
Alicia laughed. "Show me the bedroom," she said.