Three days, four hours and fifteen minutes since Felicity had learned about the death of Detective Billy Malone. She hadn't left her loft since. She stopped answering her phone, she ignored the persistent knocking at her door. She pulled the curtains over the wall of glass and shut out the world.
The nights were the hardest. She stopped with the pretence of sleeping, didn't even bother climbing the twenty-three steps upstairs to her bed. She sat at her table with three open laptops and a tablet. Felicity knew that going three sleepless nights would have an adverse affect on her psyche. The good news was she was used to talking out loud to herself and the hallucinations hadn't started yet.
That was what all the Red Bull was for.
Felicity knew that it was a matter of time before Team Arrow came to drag her out of the shadows. Everyone had reached out to her, everyone but Oliver.
She knew why he avoided her. In her thick muddled mind she could even hear his arguments why she should be mad. But she knew that he had been used, he had been the weapon the true killer wielded to kill Billy. And Felicity would make sure Prometheus paid for what he had done.
Prometheus had no idea what she was capable of accomplishing when she put her mind to it. And he had her complete focus now.
She would no longer work for Team Arrow. Never again would she step inside the bunker. She was done being a part of someone else's mission, she would no longer follow along the yellow brick road. No flying monkeys to take away from her determination for revenge. Why were there flying monkeys anyway? Felicity loved monkeys, not those evil little kangaroos. She shuddered thinking about flying kangaroos.
"Felicity you're losing it. You need more coffee. Or are you out of coffee? When was the last time you bought the coffee?"
She rose from the table. Her lower back ached, her wrist and fingers cramped, and she may have developed a hump on her back. Back in college the longest coding marathon had been four and half days with Cooper. She'd been blinded by love and his speeches of grandeur. But none of that compared to how she had felt for Oliver.
"No Felicity, we are not going down that rabbit hole. That's where the Red Queen reigns," Felicity rolled her eyes. "I'm done with Queens. Off with their heads."
Felicity chuckled to herself and shuffled to the kitchen. She needed to force something into her stomach and pray she kept it down this time. She had eaten her last cracker five hours ago and her bread had long since turned into a science project.
Opening the fridge was unsuccessful and the cupboards were dry. Felicity wanted Oliver's chicken and rice soup, he'd make it whenever she was sick or had a rough day. For an instant she thought of texting him, but the realization that he might not answer, stopped her.
Thinking of her life with Oliver made her feel guilty. She gave up that life and wishing for portions of it, even comfort food wasn't fair to Oliver or the memory of Billy.
Billy had been a pleasant accident. She had met him while leaving City Hall and another awkward conversation with Oliver. She'd been in a hurry to catch her breath that she had run into him while turning a corner. She'd apologized for "falling for you..on you. I meant on you."
His smile had been wide and he'd offered to buy her coffee, dinner, anything to change it back to for. Felicity had hesitated, worried about what Oliver would think. It had been that thought that reminded her that it was her life and her choice. She was still part of Team Arrow but her personal life was her own business. She agreed to coffee which led to dinner and more time together.
Being with Billy was easy, a few complications with the lying about where she spent most of her time. But he never pushed, at least not in the beginning. She kept him away from her other life and hid him from her friends and mostly Oliver. It was a casual mutually beneficial relationship that grew it something more.
Felicity reasoned that there was no reason to tell her friends until it was something real. But before she could truly explore her feelings for Billy the truth came out. She had hated the look in Oliver's eyes, the hurt, when he'd found out. A small part of her had been a little hopeful he would try to fight for her. Try to take her back, but it had only been a fleeting fantasy.
She'd been surprised by the physical pain she'd felt finding out that Oliver was dating again. Felicity had moved on, she was with someone else, she was happy. She wanted Oliver to be happy too, right? It's not like he should pine for her for the rest of his life, celibate and miserable, right. She was no longer his always and that was what she wanted so why did it hurt so much?
Talking to Billy eased the ache in her heart. He accepted her even after he found out she lied. He was the kind of guy who would do anything for a friend. He would listen and even when he gave her sarcastic responses he'd have a smile on his face. He cared about his community, and the people he served. He took pride in the job he did and people around him respected him.
Billy seemed to always be smiling, maybe it was only around her. He was sweet and he deserved to be loved by a better person than her. She'd been responsible for the deaths of tens of thousands of people. She was a killer, a liar, and a fraud.
Because of the life she led she had put his life in the path of a killer. She knew that as a police officer his life was always on the line. But it was because of her that Prometheus had gone after him. He used Billy to take revenge on Oliver and she had been powerless to stop it. But never again.
"I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too." Felicity cackled but it turned into a cough.
A hand landed on her shoulder.
Felicity screamed and spun on her heels, her elbow flew back and landed on something solid and warm. A gruff grunt escaped her attacker. Her hip slammed into the counter and her feet tangled together. She would have fallen forward but strong hands took her by the arms and steadied her. A dark blurry figure loomed over her and took a step forward. Felicity tried to step back but the counter was in the way. She felt her ears rung and heart pound in her throat.
"Nooo! Don't touch me! Get away, get away!"
The figure stepped back, his hands fell away and his head dropped.
"I'm sorry-I just -I'll just go."
"Oliver?"
Felicity blinked, rubbed her eyes staring at the figure. She took a deep breath and the clean, masculine smell that was pure Oliver wrapped around her. Her knees threatened to buckle from the adrenaline rush, but she wouldn't fall down in front of him.
"Yes, sorry I-we were worried." Oliver cleared his throat.
"I'm fine. Thank you for coming."
She turned from him, her hand on the counter to keep her balance.
"Felicity," he reached out a hand but dropped it before he reached her. "I don't think you are fine. You have every right not to be fine. But your friends are worried and they want to help you get through this."
"I will get through just fine on my own. I got this. I'm fine. I don't need their help and I don't need you to play messenger. Message delivered. You can go."
"When was the last time you slept?"
"Pftt! When was the last time you slept? Huh? Huh? Yea thats what I thought Pot, or do you go by Kettle."
"Felicity, no one's heard from you in days. They just want to help."
"There is no helping me. There is nothing they can say that will help me right now. Nothing will make me better because it will only make them feel better. I'm allowed to mourn. And I don't need your pity or your sympathy. I can't make you feel better right now. Leave Oliver."
His face was hollow and dark circles were etched under his eyes. He looked haggard and wrung out. He flinched at her harsh words but he didn't argue.
"I never wanted this for you. I never should have brought you into my world. All I do is kill and destroy. If I could go back-" Oliver's voice shook.
"Don't you dare. DON'T you dare! Don't make this about you."
"This is about me! The choice that I made, the lives I took. The man you loved was killed by my hand."
"Billy died because some psycho dressed him up and put a target on him. He was turned into a tool to break you. And don't you dare let him win. Don't let some asshole with a bruised ego break you. I will find him and you will stop him. That's the life we lead. That's what we do."
Felicity pushed off the counter and poked him in the chest.
"You don't get to take the blame, this is me. I brought him to the party but I didn't let him in. I thought I could walk between worlds but instead I put his life at risk. But you want to know the worst part? The part that keeps playing in my head, over and over. It's like a gif repeating on a loop."
"I don't know what a jif is."
Felicity waved her hand shook her head. "That doesn't matter."
Felicity took a few steps away from him. His presence overpowered her. She looked at him and her resolve to not break in front of him was gone.
"Why didn't you call? You weren't here. Everyone just left me alone. You left me alone. You wouldn't even look at me. You can't even touch me or god forbid hold me. You don't get to come here now and act like you care."
"His blood is on my hands. I will live with that guilt for the rest of my life." He took a step forward. "I have lost the right to hold you."
"That's bullshit! If you cared about me you would have seen how much I needed you. More than your own guilt, your own wounded pride."
Felicity took a step back, she turned, and then a tentative hand brushed over her hair. She gasped but didn't turn, she didn't move. His hand dropped to her shoulder an arm slid around her waist. He pulled her closer until her back was against his chest. He bent over rested his chin on her shoulder. His arms wrapped around her and he held on.
She held her breath, her body rigid. Felicity's skin prickled, a cold wash of overwhelming emotion struck her body. Pressure built in her chest, behind her eyes, inside her head.
"Breathe Felicity, I got you."
She let out a puff of air and a slow shallow breath in.
"Good, again."
Her next breath came out in a shudder. Felicity pictured Billy laughing at something she had said. She heard his last words, "Felicity you know how I feel about you but I need to be true to who I am." He was a good man and he loved her but she wasn't able to love him back not the way he deserved.
Felicity had been sick that she had been relieved when she'd realized it wasn't Oliver. That Oliver had survived another attack from Prometheus. Her first thought had been of another man and not of the man that lost his life.
Warmth surround her, seeping into her frayed and broken heart. She didn't know how long she had been crying before she sank into him and let go of her pain. She sobbed while Oliver tightened his hold and pulled her closer. Her knees buckled and Oliver held her up. She felt his chest rumble and his lips move against her ear but she couldn't hear him.
Oliver lifted her up in his arms, carried her up the twenty-three steps. He laid her down on the bed. Oliver curled around her. Felicity rolled and pressed her ear to his chest. He held her until her tears dried up and her breathing slowed.
Sleep enveloped her.
The next thing she knew was the brush of lips on her forehead and the golden sun behind her eyelids. Her eyes fluttered open to see Oliver watching her from the doorway.
"I have to go. I'll call you later. Whenever you're ready, I will listen."
She didn't say anything and watched him walk away. She snuggled into her pillow when the familiar smell of chicken and rice made her stomach growl. Felicity looked at the bedside table and saw a steaming bowl, a glass of juice, and crackers. Oliver had left her soup.