hi there so I got really bored and you know what happens when I get bored? I make characters suffer apparently. I must be sadistic

this is my first voltron fanfic and i have plans to make it multi chartered. forewarning- it's all angst although it should be fluffier later on. please feel free to critique and review. I'd appreciate anything.

(sorry not sorry for the feels)

...

Being part team voltron was taxing in every way imaginable- from physical, emotional and social, all the paladins and even Allura, sometimes, suffered from the stressors pushed onto them from the job. Training was required, single and group, at least three times a week, which was tiring enough on it's own, a diet of almost strictly food goo certainly limiting performance. It must lack some vital nutrients for energy and muscle growth despite Coran and Hunk's ever evolving recipes. All that plus fighting drained everyone differently, but each battle was just as brutal as the last, leaving only exhaustion in it's wakey that even Lance couldn't pull himself from. Each fight lowered morale for the whole team just as much as it boosted it, creating a vicious cycle that couldn't even be overcome by the tantalizing prospect of heroism. Having control of the universe's most powerful machines wwa a privledge and felt fantastic to fly around with such power, but the constant threat of battle wasn't healthy over long periods of time. It didn't help that humans were flexible and malleable beings- an accidental sharp word or mistaken action pointed in the wrong direction could break someone into tears on a bad day. To put it simply, saving the universe wasn't all unicorns and rainbows. This was war.

Maybe that could explain why Keith found himself staring absentmindedly at another Keith in his mirror. Definitely not because of an offhanded comment.

His shirtless chest heaved erratically, red splotches appearing near his shoulders, neck, and face as he grew more upset. He couldn't exactly pinpoint the last time he saw such a pitiful state on anyone, nevermind himself.

Sticks and stones could break his bones but words could never hurt him. That's what everyone learned from a young age.. So why was there bodily fluids dripping from red eyes?

The red paladin didn't partake in self observation very often so it was strange that he was suddenly taking up this habit of watching himself break down in a bathroom. Maybe he'd take a moment to spruce up before greeting a new species, or perhaps when a awfully annoying substance threatened to destroy the quality of his clothes did he ever stand so lifelessly into a reflective surface like he was now.

The bathroom felt cold around him- slowly suffocating- as his fingers trembled through soft, black locks.

Finally, fatigue reached him in waves and his limbs drooped from his head and fell with his body next to the sink. The tile was cold, and Keith welcomed the almost painful tang against his skin which felt as if it could melt off his bones.

His right hand inched it's way to his face before clamping against his eyes during a particularly hard sob.

Stupid Lance.

..

Lance could sense it. The unease that hung between the team, creeping under his skin in the most annoying way. The Cuban didn't really understand it- as an extrovert, he craved comfortability between them and that tended to show. He started conversations with whoever happened to be standing there, trying his best to compell them into giving him a chance, or maybe try to enter their rooms on the whim, only to get a cocked eyebrow or rolled eyes in return.

And in a way, he wanted to do it right back.

It's not like he could just stop being an extrovert. This yearning for something, anything, could not be tamed. Lance quirked his mouth to one side as a fleeting thought tried to intercept the sentence- well it's not like they could stop being introverts either.

With a sigh of defeat, Lance reeled himself back into the task at hand which in this case happened to be breakfast. He stood by his bed, fully dressed but not fully there. His room was barely decorate barely decorated aside from various space rocks that lined his desk. One time he swore one of them moves and that he was in possession of a tiny balmera, put that concept was shot out of the sky just like every other quip he shared with the others. That slight distraction wasn't making him feel any better, and only hurried his descent into sadness. Maybe he was crazy, but leaving his room today proved to be more difficult than usual.

Just like any other day as of late, everything seemed unhappy to see him, smashing his hopes at getting some attention into pieces. Even the echoes from his footsteps in the halls reverberated back to him harshly. His clothes itched against his skin and his mouth was too dry. The cafeteria felt miles away, the perfectly spaced hall lights providing no sense or reassurance- only serving to blind his still sleepy eyes.

Allura and Shiro glared disappointed parent eyes at his every attempt to be funny, and they didn't seem to let up. Hunk's sympathetic look clearly conveyed pity, the one emotion he didn't want aimed at him, and pidge only ever laughed as if he were some comical cartoon character on the TV rather than a human fucking being. and Keith was...well Keith. Those Grey eyes were always closed doors, only allowing the tan boy to read the indifferent aurora emitting from the emo. Nothing to gain from there, although it's not like he even wanted the granules of attention Keith had to give in the first place.

Slouching along like an old dog, Lance made himself enter the blue lion, her encouragement uplifting his spirits. Getting comfortable in the pilot's seat, his hand briefly traced the arm rest. At least his lion cared.

Perhaps that's why he did it- the only plausible conclusion. He was on edge. That's it. But that hardly seemed like an excuse. What was said, was said.

...

Lance thought he did a decent job at covering up his emotions- it was a skill he had needed to pick up swiftly after all. With so many younger siblings, one was nearly forced to create a constant positive persona to maintain balance. And so far, imagining that his team was also innocent children that absorbed good vibes seemed to be working, even when he felt shitty like this and needed a hug. It was for the team, and even if he wasn't receiving any love in return, he'd bless them with a nonchalant attitude to cover up the fact that they were all drifting aimlessly in the void.

A roar interrupted the cloud of emotions he had been drowning in, the vibrations that shook his bones felt humanizing and he was grateful.

"Sorry Blue, a bit distracted."

His voice was barely above a whisper, and changed tone when a smirk tilted his lips to one side. Everything about his lion soothed him- the perfect fit of the triggers beneath his fingertips, the power he felt from taming such a beast tingling up his spine and the purr she illicited that only he recognized as compassionate when others heard a growl.

The bonding moment, unfortunately didn't last long. That momentary distraction had led Lance off course. Realization that he could no longer spot the zipping colors of his friends lions in space jerking his mind back into reality.

"Hey Genius, take this more seriously!"

a whiny voice (at least he thought it was whiny) pierced his intercom, momentarily confused as to why a twelve year old was trying to communicate to him in space until he recognized the voice of his teammate... And with dread, recognized the weight of his emotions back into his limbs.

"My apologies, mullet, but some of us enjoy the view once in while"

he mocked, returning the childlike tone Keith couldn't control when he was upset. Lance theorized that the other boy was just trying to mimic his favorite emo bands with their distinct vocals, but he'd surely get a good punch to the cheek if he ever dropped that one. Tempting, but he preferred to keep his perfect face in check thank you very much.

An angry growl nearly made his hand fly to the left side of his head from the shocking pain.

"This is training Lance, stop fucking around!"

Through the intercom, vague grumbling that resembled the rest of the team was covered by Keith's incessant bossiness. But that wasn't about to stop him.

Lance had heard that one to many times. 'Stop doing that, stop doing that' blah blah blah. He was absolutely sick of being treated like a child!

"Ooo an angry emo needs a nap~"

He sing songed with a bit too much sarcasm apparently, as the next sentence to hit his sore ears surprised him, nearly making his finger twitch enough zap the living shit out of the closest target and collide with the asteroids coming his way. Tension was flaring through his blood and with some crazy and daring rush of willpower he wanted to fling blue to ram straight into the smaller red ship. But dreams were only dreams.

"Both of you- return your lions. And don't expect to do anything leisurely any time soon."

Allura's altean accent covered any of his team's grumbling and the volume rivaled that of Lance at a party. It was soaked with disappointment and Lance was sure he was about to cry. This had to be the final straw. All he wanted was to train! So why was he being stopped? With a aggravated growl that mimicked Keith's grunting reply to allura, Blue reluctantly flew herself back to the castle. She seemed just as down as he was.

The dark void of space surrounding him outside his window shield seemed all too appealing to be absorbed into as the castle grew closer.

..

Upon landing, Keith was sure that his face was as red as his suit. Unlike embarrassment, the heat that didn't cease made his muscles tense like rope. Oh how he would love to tackle Lance to the ground, perhaps throw a punch. The other boy never took anything seriously, and Keith was sick of it. Throughout his life he'd learned a few things- 1. It was better to keep yourself closed up, especially when you're a weirdo like Keith and 2. Take these kind of things serious because life won't wait for you. Briefly distracted by the anger welling up in his system, when the cool air of the hallway met his flaming skin, it was easier to compose himself. Only, he was a little late. Too absorbed in own infuriation, his feet had betrayed him- clearly directing himself toward the focus of his raging emotions. The blue lion's hangar.

Shiro would be disappointed.

Keith could feel it- like a tea kettle ready to burst, his body tensed but instead of anger, realization and guilt hit him like laser. Shiro expected better, the team expected better and he had considered attacking Lance. A truly despicable thought. Not only that, he saw the flaws in his hastiness. He'd been just as neglectant to his training as Lance was. While they were bickering, he could've been completely the course. He added a mental note to apologize, although it was futile. Any notes he put on that board disappeared within minutes.

With limbs like weights, he moved forward once more from the spot in front of metal door of self reflecion, swallowing several times as if it would soothe the tension.

The door was unsurprisingly familiar, as most fixtures in the castle consisted of the same strong material. However, it still felt strange clunking his way down metal steps and into Lance's port. Unlike the several other doorways he passed through on a daily basis- this was one he preferred to avoid.

When his ash eyes moved down from the great blue beast he was first drawn to, a huge mass that occupied a majority of the available space and instead fell on a tan, lanky, boy who was clearly exaspersted, Keith felt a brief surge of annoyance again. Like an acid reflux, it was a burning feeling that hurt from the inside out and made his skin crawl. It was hard to ignore but somehow he pushed through it without visibly reacting. Bushy eyebrows furrowed, he observed the scene.

Lance was animatedly throwing his arms around like some sort of ape as he talked loud and fast to the princess in front of him. Lucky for Keith, the Cuban's back was pointed in his direction and he was spared the sight of the other boy's face. Instead, he was greeted with Allura's unamused yet steely expression- one he'd barely seen on her in the past. A stark contrast with the altaen's normally generous and kind eyes.

"...but I was just taking a break, I'm tired."

simple words, but sometimes simple spoke more than complicated. Keith felt himself twitch despite himself. Sure, Lance always said he was tired- but the genuinely distressed and broken way the word's left his mouth wasn't so common. Even from a distance, Keith saw the same recognition show through Allura's body language, her muscles drooping ever so slightly in understanding. Either Lance had become better with persuasion or he was struggling more than what he put on. Keith was more surprised that he remembered these things and actually gave a shit that he remembered than the ever approaching clear noise of shoes echoing off the metal walls.

Allura was within speaking distance faster than he thought possible, and her presence was more intimidating than ever. He really needed to get his head out of the clouds. Naturally, his head dipped down slightly to find her eyes. Who knew those shapes on her cheeks could enhance her expression so much? They almost appeared to glow against her dark skin in the painfully bright room.

"Both you and Lance-"

she hesitated and in that tiny morsel of time, Keith absentmindly repeated her distinct pronunciation of "Lance" in his head, deciding that one day he might use it against the paladin. It was always time to pick up some handy information for future blackmail, even when getting scolded by space royalty.

"..Will be subject to strict bonding training for two weeks. Voltron will be formed when the need arises, but as of now you two need some serious discipline."

Keith was sure he missed a sentence and the simple mistake nearly made him slap himself in the face. There he was again, getting distracted with meaninglessness. While Keith Wes having some serious mental battles, Allura continued talking. After a bit she was seemingly satisfied that Keith heard what needed to be said- skinny eyebrows separated to allow livliness to return to her aquamarine orbs near the end of her planned speech.

"we need the team in full health, this is for the best. Try to be mature, please,"

Keith suddenly felt the urge to reassure her, guilt plaguing his mind once again. The reminder to apologize floated through his consciousness, but annoyingly, he couldn't let the words loose. She wouldn't understand. Keith was nearing a breaking point- it'd been so long since his temper flared up as bad as it did moments before, and that could certainly lead to much worse effects. He knew Lance was the one that needed to hear her words, even though in the back of his mind he was sure Lance had received the same lecture prior to his own appearance. Any apology given now would be hollow and pointless. Meanwhile, the vague colors annoying boy was blurry in Keith's peripheral; blue and silver armor with scruffy brown hair slowly growing bigger until he reached his side.

Lance was far to close for comfort- his face nearly touching Keith's even as he reared away slightly with a scowl. The tan boy had his fist's held tight against his side, much too similar to how Keith supposed he'd looked immediately after he'd left his lion. Quirking an eyebrow, Keith glanced away from the living embodiment of suffering in front of him and instead glanced at the princess. As if on cue, Allura sighed lightly and gave Keith one more strict yet caring look in his direction before heading for the exit, the clicking of her shoes a good distractor from the problem standing in his face.

"Hey! - pay attention buddy"

Keith immediately took back any thoughts he may have had regarding 'concern' for lance, almost instantaneously reminded why they were rivals in the first place- the smug tone of his voice absolutely repulsive. His head turned back to him regretfully, mouth in a straight line to deter any rebuttles from slipping out slyly. Up close, Keith felt he noticed completely unnecessary details on Lance. His eyes were a cerulean blue, pupils twitching as they tried to focus on one point of Keith's face. He held some sort of pout on his lips, like a child being scolded for bad behavior. Lance also seemed to have extremely clean pores- the opposite of the red paladin's puffy eyes and blackheads. Keith must have hesitated too long, or maybe Lance could feel the stares- either way, the Cuban reset himself by Keith with his arms crossed and mouth ready to speak, the social pressure Keith had been feeling from their closeness evaporating quickly.

"Why are you always such an absolute bitch to me?! Look what you got us into!"

the words spilled out blatantly and with a seriousness he wasn't sure how to handle coming from the normally light hearted Lance. The mix of stress and the fact that social situations were delicate and he was rash, thus spawned his stupid reply.

"I'm trying to keep the team in check, dumbass."

Keith nearly hissed in response, copying Lance's all too pissed off tone. Did this count as teasing anymore? It occured to him as the hot tell tale tingles of anger rushed through his body once more, threatening to lash out on the equally angered boy near him. Lance and Keith- rivals. Everyone knew that, expected it- maybe even supported it. The red paladin had a hard time interpreting their current situation as "teasing" now though. With both of them in attack stance, eyes locked and still suited up, a stranger stumbling across the scene could have easily thought they were about to tear each other limb from limb.

"I'm human- and I'm sick of everything! Today I need to relax"

Coming from anyone else, Keith could have easily taken the statement as truth, although it was hard to take Lance's word for it when it could easily be an excuse for a lousy performance. He knew more than anyone what it felt like to breach you're breaking point- morale crumbling around you until it felt pointless to go on and Lance would be the last person to go through that.. right? Slowly, the pale teen tried to pull himself back, taking into consideration that everything was starting to hurt from being tossed around in his lion earlier and emotions weighing his body down so an argument wasn't in his best interest.

"The universe isn't going to wait for you."

With such a hushed tone that surprised both of them in this moment of distaste, Keith thought that was it. He meant it to be a reminder, simple and an end to the kerfuffle. Keith was feeling fatigued and honestly a bit nervous about the obvious crossing of the boundary between rival and enemy. His feet shuffled even further from Lance, an indicator that he was planning to leave. But of course, Lance couldn't shut up.

"You're a pathetic coward! We both know that's just an excuse for you to cover the fact that you don't give two fucks about anyone "

Silence. Absolute and deafening silence. Keith wished desperately that it would just end, and the feeling akin to tears would disappear back to where it came mood change was so abrupt he felt as if the air around them was tangible. He just kept wishing. That he could rewind to this morning. That Lance would just leave the room. It was uncalled for from Lance, everything that'd happened was uncalled for and Keith was feeling too much.

Even Keith's armor was beginning to feel like to much effort to support, the cold metal matching that of the atmosphere of the room- the huge empty box seeming far too empty. Even the lion, which was some what sentient creaked as it shifted from anxiousness. eyes glued onto the offender, Keith watched as Lance seemed to mirror his reaction. Once bright and full of vigor, the blue paladin's eyes couldn't seem to glare any longer, instead going wide like he spotted a ghost- though he himself could've been the ghost. His tan skin that had radiated a healthily glow was sheen with sweat and paled abruptly.

Stretching on for infinity, Keith was sure they'd be stuck in this terrible staring game forever until a terrible sensation unknowingly reared it's head. Something wet trailed it's way down his left cheek, and Keith's dread was falling quickly into the equivalent of giving up, and his pent up attitude from before was ripping his seams. Was that true? Did he really just not care and force his ways on everyone? Was he a.. a..

Pathetic coward?..

Like a tape on rewind his brain forced it's self to echo the harsh words to himself. It wasn't like insults even hurt him, nevertheless something so basic..

So why? Why why why was he crying?

A hitch in his breath caused Lance to shake, reaching a hand out gingerly but it was quickly snapped back to his side.

There were reasons to why Keith avoided other people, and caring too much was one of them.