Hello there! A few weeks ago the wonderful fabercastel asked me to write a story with a more obsessive/angry Kylo. This is the result (or the first part of a probable 26 chapter result!) I hope you enjoy!
All we know is distance
We're close and then we run
Kiss away the difference
I know you hate this one
"Where the Story Ends," The Fray
The clouds swirl and splice above, making way for some rays of sunlight to fall through. Rey can only focus on the man she thought was a myth, now standing in front of her, eyes sunken and haunted. A mechanical hand—so, it's true his own father cut it off?—stretches towards her, and then he retracts it.
The lightsaber in Rey's own hand starts to tremble. What if he doesn't take it? She needs him to. His sister needs him to. The galaxy needs him to.
"Luke Skywalker?" she asks.
"Where did you get that?" His voice is softer than she imagined, crackled with age. He nods at the device in her hand.
"It's a bit of a long story," Rey hedges. "It's yours, isn't it?"
"It was. And my father's." Luke steps towards her and holds out his hand for it. He takes the hilt and examines it, brow swooping so low it looks to be crushing his eyes. His shoulders droop.
Yeah, I knew him. I knew Luke. Rey swallows. "Han Solo is dead."
"I know." Luke exhales.
The Force. Rey tries again. "Your sister—"
Luke's gaze snaps up. "How is she?"
"She lost her husband at her son's hand. How do you think she is?" Rey can't help but ask. The question rankles. If this Luke is everything the myths say—if he's as important as Leia and the Resistance believe—if he had been there, if he hadn't run, maybe none of this would have happened.
Or, maybe Kylo Ren would have killed him too. And she would still be on Jakku, scavenging and selling to Unkar Plutt for meager half-portions on good days.
"You saw it," Luke observes, and Rey takes a step back.
You imagine an ocean. I see it… I see the island.
"No, I'm not—" Luke sighs. "I can tell. From the saber. Not from your mind."
"Oh." Rey clenches her fists and relaxes them. "Chewie's here. And R2-D2. Down the steps."
"Indeed." Luke holds the saber back out towards her. "Take it."
Rey cocks her head. "I don't—"
"It called to you, didn't it?" Luke asks.
"Yes. And, I need a teacher." And just like that, Rey sees his face, flashing with blue and scarlet light, riddled with half-mad delusions and rage and so much fear.
You need a teacher! I can show you the ways of the Force.
Kylo Ren may not have been right about much, but he was right about that. She needs Luke.
Luke's lips curve into a joyless smile. "That didn't go so well last time."
"I know about your nephew. I fought him. With this." Rey grabs the hilt and holds it up.
"And you won."
The ocean air wraps around her. In her dreams, it was never this chilly, this damp. "Do you think I'd be standing here if I hadn't?"
Luke studies her, eyes flicking up and down. His mouth twitches, and Rey remembers Han's words when she had just met him, about how a boy had destroyed all Luke had worked for, and she imagines the shame and the horror Han must have felt. His own son.
Luke… felt responsible.
Still, Rey thinks. You still do, don't you? "We need you to save the galaxy. It's not about just me, or just your sister."
"Exactly," Luke tells her as he strides past, heading down the steps. Thunder rumbles overhead. "I came here to save the galaxy."
Rey's patience starts to fray, and all the hope she's been holding, the hope that's gotten her through Finn's injury, through Han's death—it was supposed to come in the form of this man, and he's walking past her and it's pulling tight, so tight, and she's going to snap. "How does running away—"
"You," Luke informs her as he turns to face her. "Have much to learn, child." His tone is gentler than his words, which crash into her like the waves against the craggy rocks below. "The first Jedi temple is no place to run away to."
"Well then, why did you come?" Rey demands, determined not to cry. She's not used to being chastised. She doesn't like it.
"Because I wanted to see where I went wrong, where the Jedi went wrong, even." Luke shakes his head.
"Did you find out?" Rey ventures.
"You're a curious one, aren't you." Luke smiles, and she relaxes, uncrossing her arms. "What's your name?"
"Rey."
"Rey," Luke repeats. "I always knew someday someone would come for me, when it was time, when the Force would wake up and send someone."
"Really?" Rey's heart starts to pound.
"Mm-hm." Luke starts back down the stairs, and she hops behind him. "It sent you."
I'm no one. Rey tilts her head towards the clouds. The Light… it's always been there. Close your eyes. Feel it. Let it in.
"How're you feeling today, buddy?" Poe chirps as he saunters into the medical ward.
"Better," Finn answers as BB-8 spins along behind his friend. Finn's spine still aches, but he can walk normally, and Dr. Kalonia says that a full recovery's not far off.
"Excellent." Poe grins at him, crossing his arms over his orange pilot uniform.
"Have you heard from Rey at all?" Finn ventures.
Poe presses his lips together and shakes his head. "Not yet. They should be reaching Ahch-To soon. Like, today soon. So we'll probably hear… soon." He grimaces. "How many times can I say 'soon' in one sentence anyways?"
Finn laughs. "That wasn't one sentence."
"Hey, good." Poe winks. "She'll be fine. We are talking about the girl who kicked Kylo Ren's ass, after all. Considering what that bastard did to me—and to you—well, the girl can hold her own."
"I'm well aware of that." Finn shakes his head, remembering the moment he met Rey and watched her destroy those thugs with a staff. BB-8 whirs as if it knows precisely what Finn's remembering, and Finn smirks at the droid.
"Oh! I almost forgot." Poe claps Finn on the back. "We fixed up your jacket."
"Your jacket, you mean?"
"It suits you, remember?" Poe grins. "So you can start wearing it again."
"Poe, we're waiting for you!" calls Jess Pava, sticking her head into the med bay.
"Be right there!" Poe hollers. "Flying drills," he explains. "If we hear anything from Rey, though, we'll land right away. She's our new hope and all."
Finn nods.
"And what you did on the Starkiller—you were both so brave." Poe bites his lip. "I just wanted to make sure you knew it."
"I don't feel brave," Finn says aloud. "I was terrified. And angry." It wasn't righteous determination when he taunted Kylo Ren, telling him to come get it; it was rage, the sickening fury threatening to crumple him if he didn't fight the monster who killed Han Solo, who kidnapped Rey and threw her into a tree like she was a thing to be tossed around.
"Hey, you think I wasn't scared?" Poe scoffs. "When you said Ren wanted me for something, good grief, Finn, I thought you were taking me to my execution."
Finn snorts.
"See you later." Poe vanishes, leaving Finn to stretch alone, to think alone.
In his mind, Finn sees Kylo Ren's lightsaber slice up through Han's body yet again. His father. How could you do it?
In those moments on the bridge, when Kylo Ren's voice wobbled and Finn saw the boyish face of the masked man he and all the other stormtroopers had been taught to fear, to respect, the man who ordered an entire village murdered and then spared him mere moments later—Finn hoped. He hoped Han would convince his son to come home. If Finn changed his mind, changed his loyalties, why couldn't Ren?
How much have they changed, though?
I'm just here to get Rey.
People are counting on us! The galaxy is counting on us!
Does he want to fully commit to the Resistance? If he does, Finn fears it will just be to honor Han Solo's memory, to honor Rey, Poe, Dr. Kalonia.
Maybe loyalty to people is enough. Finn hopes.
"Feeling better?" Hux mocks as he soldiers past Kylo Ren in the hallway. He smirks when he studies the man, because now he's seen Kylo's face. He's seen Kylo bleeding out in the snow, too weakened and torn apart by the scavenger girl—Rey—to do anything but writhe in the snow and wait for the planet to implode under him.
At least Hux can't see that, in those moments, Kylo wasn't sure whether he wanted to die or not. He watched the girl run after the earth split and knew it was over, until all of a sudden it wasn't, and Kylo hadn't fathomed surviving.
"Get out of my way," Kylo growls, stalking past the obnoxious general and to his chambers. He clutches the armchair in his room, feeling his side throbbing under his ribs, his shoulder smarting, his face burning. He grabs his lightsaber and powers it on, staring at the furious red sparks. He goes to slam it into the chair and can't.
You're a monster! Rey spat at him.
Really, is he that shocked she refused his proposal?
Kylo doesn't have a mirror, or anything reflective in his chambers. The metal is dull. His fingers rise to his face and he traces the scar. He now had a reason to want to use a mask, and he looks the part. He looks like her accusation. He looks, at least somewhat, like what people feared was under the mask.
And he wants to punch something, slash things, at the thought. But he can't. because the blasted saber—it—it's not—
Kylo howls and throws it against the room. It clunks against the wall. Not even a satisfactory bang.
He's supposed to feel stronger, and he doesn't. How is he going to explain this to Snoke? The Light was supposed to be eradicated, and it's still stirring inside of him.
Kylo glares at the helmet. Help me, Grandfather. How many nights had he pleaded with that helmet, with its energy?
You… you're afraid.
He is. He's more afraid now than he's ever been. It's too late.
"I did what you couldn't," Kylo finally manages. "And I'm still—I'm still—what's the matter with me, Grandfather?"
I can show you the ways of the Force!
If she refused, he planned on taking her again, away from Snoke, who wants to kill her. He never expected her to beat him at his own game. Kylo's fingers trace his temples. How powerful, how strong, is she? How could she do so much, so soon?
What if Snoke knows that Kylo thought about betraying him in that forest? Was that the Light, urging him to take her? No, it couldn't be.
He was weak and foolish like his father, so I destroyed him!
Weak and foolish are precisely the terms Kylo would use to describe how he feels about himself right now.
He can't stay here. Not when the power of the dark side isn't flooding his soul. Not when all he sees is Rey's face, horrified and then infuriated, hears her voice calling him a monster, sees the loneliness chafing at her all those nights when she couldn't sleep.
He almost feels her presence, but that's impossible. She's not here. She might not have even made it off the Starkiller.
She did. You know she did.
And Kylo does know. But how, he can't say. The Force, somehow. And he's glad. He's glad an enemy of the First Order, the girl who slashed up his face, who humiliated him, escaped alive, even if it means she's with Skywalker by now.
He never wanted her to die.
"Sir," a stormtrooper interrupts his thoughts as he exist his chambers.
"Yes?"
The stormtrooper flinches as if expecting the monster to unleash. Kylo clenches his fists.
"General Hux said to alert you that we will be arriving at Supreme Leader Snoke's location within the hour, sir."
Kylo stalks away, back into his chambers. This time, he powers up his lightsaber and plunges it through the chair.
Snoke will know.
He'll know I almost betrayed him.
He'll know about Rey.
He'll know the compassion's still there.
He'll know about the Light.
A feral scream erupts from Kylo's throat. If anyone hears it—and he'll never know—they'll likely scurry away. Which is good, because he doesn't mind them seeing him punching his bowcaster wound yet again, but he does not want them to find him on his knees, because he's too weak to stand up, and the pain isn't coming from his wounds.
Frustration streaks through Rey. Chewie warbles. It's okay. I'll contact the Resistance.
"Chewie and Han weren't working with the Resistance either, until recently," Rey says to Luke. "I thought you were all war heroes." Okay, so she's only recently learned of Han Solo as a war general and not as a smuggler, but she's seen him as both. "What made you want to run?"
"Full of questions, aren't you?" Luke tosses her a small smile as R2 bleeps that he needs to contact his sister. "There are things you don't understand yet. Things my sister doesn't understand."
"About what happened to her son? About the temple?"
"Both."
"So what did happen? And what's the deal with the temple?"
Luke frowns. Wind whips around them, and he peers at the sky. "We might want to head up to the hut I've been staying in. The first Jedi built them. It's going to rain."
"Rain?" Rey can only remember a few days of rain in all the years she spent on Jakku. She stares at the sky with its brewing blue and gray clouds, the color of the new outfit Leia had given her.
Luke smiles at her, almost like Han did, and Rey's heart warms. Han, Finn, and Chewie—the only people who found Rey worthy enough to risk their lives for. And Han lost his life to Kylo Ren, and Finn almost had.
She won't let Kylo Ren touch another of her loved ones. Now that she has them. Fury binds itself up and down Rey's spine, to her brain, to her heart.
"Why does he want to find you?" Rey asks as she follows Luke up the steps, R2 blooping as the droid slowly makes its way up. "Your nephew."
"I imagine he wishes to do what my father almost succeeded in doing. Wiping out the last of the Jedi."
"But why? So the Dark Side will take over?"
"It's more complicated than that." Luke sighs as he leads her into a small hut.
"Your sister told me that even Darth Vader couldn't kill his family. Your nephew—"
"My father also had a lot more choice in the matter than Ben did," Luke interrupts.
"He had a choice on that bridge," Rey counters.
"I don't doubt it. Choices spring from past choices, but they also spring from things that have been done to us, Rey." A tapping noise echoes through the hut. Rain.
Rey watches water stream down outside the hut. R2 whirs, teasing her. It almost never rained on Jakku, and when it did, the skies never split apart with fire and thunder, and the clouds never gave up this much water.
Luke finds them a bread-like substance to eat. It's hard, and Rey has to gnaw at it.
"Leia says I should become a Jedi," Rey says as her teeth start to ache. "That I can. Because I have the Force. And I don't want to use the Dark Side." Not again.
"Hm." Luke studies her. "We'll see."
What? Rey almost chokes on the dust of the bread. No. You can't be serious. I'm not like Kylo Ren! Don't treat me like I'm potentially another monster.
"You resisted the Dark Side," Rey says. "I know you did. You can teach me to, too."
"We'll see," Luke repeats, his voice hard.
Rey focuses on her food. It clumps to the back of her throat. Rain rushes outside, and she wishes she could sit out in it like she used to on those rare days in Jakku.
That night, as she curls up and tries to sleep, the cold damp and embedded in her bones—different from the biting cold of Jakku nights, a cold that was at least separate from herself—Rey's mind won't let her rest.
And she hears his voice.
You're so lonely… at night, desperate to sleep.
You're so lonely…
She somehow imagined that, after those few precious days on the Resistance base, after those days feeling like she had a family, that Luke would be the belonging she sought, complete and whole. Rey bites her lip, trying not to cry. Somewhere inside of her, fear erupts, and she doesn't understand where it's coming from.
You're so lonely…
She still is.