"One."
I hold her hand tighter in mine.
"Two."
I've already said goodbye to everyone I love.
"Three."
I lift the berries to my mouth.
Boom! The cannon fires. The hand holding mine tries to drag me down, tries to drag me down, tries to drag me down.
Boom! Cato's sword goes through her heart.
Boom! Thresh crushes her skull with a rock.
Boom! The wolf-mutts get her. Boom! Clove cuts her to ribbons. Boom! Glimmer shoots her with an arrow. Boom! She succumbs to tracker jacker venom. Boom! She burns to death.
Boom! Boom! Boom!
I am jerked, suddenly and violently, from sleep. Katniss is trashing in my arms, alternating between screams and whimpers. My limbs are frozen, locked in place with a terror that is bone-deep. But Katniss is alive and in my arms, so I gather the strength to move.
"Shh." I whisper softly in her ear. "Shh." I begin rubbing soothing circles on her arms.
She pants, as she tries to separate nightmare from reality-which is probably getting harder every day since the capital has threatened to kill everyone we know and love.
She flips around in my arms and I only see her tear stained face for a moment before she throws her arms around my neck and buries her face there-instinctively I tuck my chin over her head.
"I dreamt Cato got you." She tightens her hold on me. "I dreamt he pulled you down with him on the cornucopia."
I didn't know she had nightmares about me dying. I wish she didn't, I wish she didn't have nightmares at all. I wish I wasn't another source of worry for her.
"Shh. Cato didn't get me." I reassure her gently.
"He didn't?" There's doubt in her voice. And despair.
"He didn't." I confirm.
She loosens her grip slightly, enough to lean back and scans my face. She searches it frantically, as if looking for proof that I am real and unhurt. I know exactly what that's like so I smile gently at her.
And then she leans closer and kisses me, trapping my lips to hers. And for a moment I am worried this is all a dream. That Katniss died in the arena after all.
Boom! Boom! Boom!
But no. I never would have dreamt that President Snow would threaten her family. That everything in the arena was an act? Yes. That she would still prefer Gales company to mine? Of course. But I never would have dreamt something that caused her worry.
She stops kissing me and I start getting my thoughts in order. This happens sometimes. She wakes up and thinks we're still in the arena, that we have to keep the act up.
I rest my forehead on hers, gently ever so gently. "I'm right here. You kept us alive, Katniss."
She shifts her arms lower, holding me at my waist and resting her head over my heart. "Good. I don't want you to leave me. Ever." I can hear sleep in her voice already. Rare. Normally it takes her hours to fall back asleep. I'm not sure if she was ever really awake, and she probably won't remember this in the morning.
"Don't worry." I tell her. "I don't think I could ever do that."