A/N: Okay so I totally lied and said I would stop writing new stories and finish the stories I had. but one of my co workers asked me a question about when I became a mom. Though i was not a Teen Mom I was fairly young. I kind of started thinking about writing a conception to however long I can stand it story... as of now I have eleven years experience as a mom. maybe write by developmental stage I don't know well right now... we are dealing with...

Conception

July 26th

This was the first year since I met him that I was not with him. He was always there for me, but now he was gone. Forever from my life and I missed him. I swallowed against the tears that were threatening to come. It was so selfish of me to think about what an awful birthday I was going to have Beck wasn't with me.

I'm turning seventeen today, and the only person I have ever loved is dead. Dumb thing was that he died the day after we got back together. Prome night. He dropped me off at home, and I heard the crash. My stupid drunk neighbor plowed into him as he was backing out of my driveway. Pinned Beck up against the light post he died instantly.

It's been two months. I looked out at the light post. Our friends left tons of mementos to memorialize him and I supposed that it was nice, but it made my heart hurt every time I looked out of my window. But I didn't want to move; I couldn't leave here. It's where I last saw his smile. It's where I last kissed his lips.

As I sat staring out of the window I thought about how weird it was going to be to go back to school and not see him at his locker, or among our friends, joking and laughing or even flirting with Vega.

Well, well… Speak of the devil. Vega was driving into my driveway with her newly minted Driver's license. She paused at the memorial and dropped a flower like she always did, and drove on up the drive. I was not in the mood to deal with her today. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I turned away from my window and closed the drapes to make sure not a ray of sunshine could be seen. Then I went under my black and red covers and brought them up over my head.

A few minutes later, I heard the distinctly Vega light knock to my door. Then my door opened, and I could sense the warmth of sunlight stream through my bedroom door from the Foyer window. "Close the door." I said softly.

"Jade I can't see." Tori said, "Let me get my bearings first."

I almost want to smile, she doesn't bother to feel hurt around me anymore, and I don't bother chewing her out anymore because nothing really matters anymore. She shut the door and walked over to my bed and lay beside me over the covers. She wrapped her arms around me and just held me. "Why are you here?" I asked not bothering to push her away.

"Happy Birthday, Jade." She whispered pulling the covers from over my head. She ran her fingers through my hair to move them out of my face. "You have to leave your house today. Your mom doesn't want to leave you alone today and she has to go to work."

I sighed. "I'm not gonna kill myself, you can go home now."

"I can't leave you alone. We miss you and want you to have a great birthday."

My heart began to ache. "I can't be with all of you… He won't be there. It hurts."

"Well, how about just me?" She asked not even suggesting Cat because she knew Cat had been too much for my grief. "I won't even let Andre get at me."

"Don't stand your boyfriend up for me Vega." I said. Those two got together because of their grief. Every one has their own healing mechanism. That was theirs.

"Today, you're more important." She said. Truthfully Tori had become the best friend Beck had told me she could be. That was what was comforting about this whole thing. Beck told me so.

"Okay."

I could hear the smile in her voice when she said. "Okay, let's get cleaned up. I'll let the others know not to bother us while you're in there." I sat up in my bed as she walked over to the drapes and opened them letting just enough light in. I was grateful that she hadn't done the way my mother had done on occasion to just open them all the way making my room bright as day.

I stood up and headed for the bathroom and stood at the doorway. "Thanks Vega."

She smiled, "what are friends for?"

Tori and I decided to take a walk. We stopped at the memorial and looked at all of the things our friends had brought and smiled at some of the things people who really knew him left for him there. I knew I would have to take all of these from here one day. I bit my lip and tried to keep myself from crying. Tori kneeled right next to me and wrapped her arms around me. She hugged me tightly and whispered. "Cry if you have to. It's the only way you'll feel better."

I began to cry; I had her permission to fall apart. We sat there for a long time, until she decided to pick me up and we began to walk. And we walked for a good hour before I started to just feel better. We talked about Beck and I laughed at some of the memories that we shared with him. We stopped at the playground and a random group of guys stopped by. "Hey!" One of the guys said.

Tori and I looked over but did not respond. "What you don't speak?" Another guy stated. He was a black boy. Tall… Taller than Andre and his build was muscular. He hand his hair in cornrows braided back. And is clean-shaven. His facial structure looked really familiar. "Y'all look like some girls we know about that go to Hollywood Arts." He licked his lips kind of like

Tori looked at them. "You go to HA?"

"Nah, My brother Berf goes there. See you guys around at performances and stuff." Well that explains whey he looks so familiar. Berf's Twin… Paternal I suppose, because he is decidedly hotter that Berf is.

I nodded and put my hands in my pockets. "So Berf is the talented one? How sad for you." I deadpanned.

Berf's brother laughed. "I guess we can't all be stars. We're having a party, y'all should come." He extended his hand and handed us a promoter style card. "It's gonna be Live." Then he waved and drove off.

I looked at the Card, then at Vega. "Do you wanna?" I shrugged. "Well if we do go, we gotta call for back up. We have to look out for each other."

I sighed. "Let's go get dressed Vega, call your boyfriend." I was tired of crying.

The five of us Showed up at what we assumed was Berf's house. But once we got inside, we saw it clearly wasn't. The house was sick though, but there was no furniture.

I stood in the corner a while. Tori and Andre kept checking in on me. I was starting to get irate. Then Berf's brother showed up and handed me a drink. "Careful, it's loaded." He warned.

I looked down at the cup smelled the alcohol inside and downed it. "Thanks."

"Girl cheer up, this is a party." He said.

"I probably should have gone back home and stayed in bed. But they were so determined that I needed to be out for my birthday."

"It's your birthday?" He said in surprise and made me another drink. "Girl drink up!"

I smiled and downed the drink again. We talked for a while and he pretended to listen. But I didn't care because I needed to talk to someone that couldn't care less whether I would kill myself or not. I think in the process I must have downed six or seven of those little cocktails.

The next thing I knew. Berf's brother (I still don't know his name) and I were making out. It got pretty hot and heavy. Then we were in a room by ourselves. And I wish I could remember what happened. I just felt dizzy and I saw so many strange things. Then I remember walking out of the room, falling into Tori's arms and everything going black.

July 27th

Why was it so bright in my room? Maybe I died on my birthday. Maybe if I open my eyes the first thing I'll see is beck's face. I had a dream that we had been together. God it felt so good and real. Maybe I did go to heaven.

I reached for the pillow behind my head and covered my face so that I could open my eyes. I peeked around, and recognized the insides of Vega's room. What the hell? I sat up and looked around the room. My clothes were laid out on a chair, I looked down and I was wearing a pair of Tori's sweats and a purple camisole. She had tied my hair back in a messy braid.

The inside of my mouth tasted like I gargled with vomit and Jack. I knew now why I was wearing her clothes. I changed and recalled doing much of the same the night before. Crap! I had hooked up with someone…

I cheated on him… I can't believe I did that. I finished getting dressed and rushed downstairs; maybe Tori could give me a ride home. When I got down there she was on the couch cuddled with Andre, making out so I didn't say anything and snuck out of the house. I'll walk home.

Hot tears ran down my face as I walked down Tori's drive way. "Jade!" I heard from behind me.

I turned to face my ex-frienemy turn best friend, without bothering to wipe the mess of my tears away. She held me and didn't ask me why she was just quiet. Then she pulled me to her car where Andre was waiting. "Sit in the back with her Tor, I'll drive."

Tori nodded and pushed me into the back seat and buckled me in. This hurts so bad. I feel like such a cheater. How could I betray him like this? "I wanna die." I whispered.

"Why?" Tori whispered back.

"I slept with Berf's brother." I whispered again I couldn't vocalize it any louder."

"You slept with Brandon?" Tori squeaked.

"How could I do that to Beck?" I cried.

"Jade…" Tori said. "Beck is g-gone." Tori tried not to cry. "And… and you were drunk… so drunk I thought you'd never wake up. I thought you would die."

"I wanted to die…" I admitted.

"Jade, you can't leave me here alone with Cat… I need a sane girl to keep me grounded." Tori said softly.

I laughed a little. "It just feels so wrong."

"I know… Let's just get you home and get you all cleaned up it's a new day and you never have to see Brandon again."

So what do you think? Let me know Review.