Noam realized in that moment her mistake. As she looked between the Templars, her eyes reaching Irving's, she saw that she had miscalculated. She had thought the idea stupid, foolish, but in her heart there was still hope that they could escape, they could survive outside the grasp of the Chantry.
Lily taken, Jowan gone, she was the only one left standing. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Cullen. His hands shook slightly; only she would notice his lack of composure. Could he say something? Would he? Noam hoped he wouldn't. There was nothing he could say that could help her and any action would result in his own punishment.
The stranger came forth and proclaimed his control over her. Noam had not truly comprehended the action. She was to be spared, but for what? She knew little of these Grey Wardens, but she knew it took her out of their hands and power. As Duncan took her arm, leading her from them, she could not help but look back at Cullen.
I will find my way back to you, she promised without words and prayed somehow he understood.
Noam had been almost silent throughout the trek to Ostagar. She had nothing to say to Duncan, who in return had little to say that would comfort her. The anger simply grew in her. Every spat from a passing stranger, every look of lust and desire, it fuelled that fire. She was looked down on as an elf in the tower in truth, but on the roads of Ferelden, an elven mage was always in danger.
She had mentioned this to Duncan, but he had merely patted her on the shoulder and promised that times would change, but they took awhile.
That wasn't good enough for her.
As they reached the gates of Ostagar, Duncan motioned for her to bow as an entourage came forth. When Noam refused, he pushed her down in the dirt. She landed, bracing herself as she looked up at the King.
The King laughed and motioned for them to stand, "No Grey Wardens need stand before the King. Rise, both of you."
Noam did so gingerly, trying to wipe the dirt off of her robes. King Cailian smiled at her and said, "I see you found yourself a mage, how fortunate. There had been so few in the order, I'm sure she will be an excellent support."
Noam did not speak.
"How is the tower, friend? I hope the Templars are taking good care of your kind."
Noam said quietly, bowing her chin, "You are no friend of mine, shem."
Duncan reprimanded, "You are addressing your King. You must show respect."
Cailian laughed, "I like a woman with a bit of spirit. I am not offended. I should let you pass through to your camp. You must be weary from your journey. Come see me later, Duncan, when you have finished dropping off your charge. We have much to talk about."
As they passed by them, Duncan grabbed her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. "You will not speak to any of your superiors in this way again, is that understood?" She nodded in response, glaring at him as he gave her a gentle push into the camp.
She followed him through the tents of the king's soldiers and into the camp of the Grey Wardens. Stopping outside a single tent, he motioned to it, and said, "Here is where you will sleep. The women will guide you through what is expected of you. When you are ready, you will meet with the other recruits and begin the rituals."
Noam did not speak, but simply glared silently.
Duncan sighed, "It will be easier if you do not resist so much. You are going to be part of our Order, you will be happier if you embrace that."
Noam did not reply and entered the tent. As she looked around, she noticed immediately that she was the only elf. There were four other women, all human. They looked up at her as she entered, one raising an eyebrow and laughing.
"I see Duncan brought the men a treat," she grinned, "Are they putting in requests now for preferences? Maybe he had a craving."
"Oh shush," another said gently, "The poor thing is fresh from the tower. She doesn't need to be teased so. Come here, friend, we will not hurt you."
Noam came to sit with the other four, the second woman patting her hand affectionately. She then came to touch Noam's shaven head, her forehead furrowed as she did so.
Noam said quietly, "I just completed my Harrowing. They like to have a clean surface, just in case they need to bring out the brand."
The woman nodded, taking her hand away, "It will grow back in time. My name is Susanne. That loud mouth over there is Delia, and these two are Meria and Miranda. They're twins, but you probably couldn't have guessed that. I've never seen sisters who looked so little alike."
"I'm Noam," she replied softly.
Susanne smiled, "Now don't you worry then. We'll take good care of you while you settle in. It won't be as bad as you might think. You'll just have to make it through your ritual, but I imagine after the Harrowing, it will be a peace of cake."
"Enjoy it while you can," Delia smirked, "At least they'll leave you be until then. Duncan would beat the shit out of them if they didn't."
"Quit trying to scare the poor girl," Susanne retorted.
Delia's face softened, "And should I sugarcoat it all?"
Noam said quietly, "I was told I was to be given instructions."
"Right," Delia said, "I'm the most senior one, I'll go. You'll have a few tasks, then you'll go through the Joining and then you'll be a Grey Warden. Taadaa. At that point, you'll be considered a full member and will be treated as such. So, we have to prep you for that. I have a few potions, we'll give you a quick examination, and then we'll send you on your way."
Noam raised an eyebrow.
Susanne said softly, "We have to make sure that you are fertile and cleanse your womb in case…well…"
Noam asked, "Why does the Order care about my womb?"
Meria stepped forth, taking Noam's hand in hers, "We're not allowed to tell you yet. If we could, we would. I know you probably don't trust us. We all remember what it was like, remember being brought into the tent and that fear that you're probably feeling right now."
"I am not afraid. I am angry."
Delia smiled, "I think I'm going to like you."
Susanne said gently, "Please trust us. We will be your Sisters in Arms. We will not do anything to harm you. Be you will have to do this."
Noam met Delia's gaze and said, "All right."
She drank their potions, feeling her womb pulse as they felt her abdomen, taking her blood into their bowl and mixing it with another potion. She felt dizzy and she felt her eyes closing and Delia's hands catching her as she fell to the ground.
When she woke, Delia was beside her as the other three worked with their herbs and poultices.
"We're just going to give you something to help you conceive, it tastes awful, but then it will be over. I must say, I was impressed. Those potions in your blood must have been difficult to make in the Tower without notice."
Noam replied, "It was in the Templar's best interest that we did not conceive. Especially since…"
The two women's eyes met and Delia smiled sadly, "You need not say more. It seems things are not so much different inside the Tower than out."
Noam tried to ask, but she heard a horn sound and Delia motioned for her to go outside. She saw three human men congregating in the centre of the camp. She went forth hesitantly, feeling the presence of a Templar and saw it was one who instructing the other two.
She felt her hair bristle on her skin, the magic flowing through her instinctively. It would be easy to take him out if he was alone. Yet when he looked up at her, she stopped, the spell fading into the air.
It wasn't him. But the similarities were enough for her to catch her breath. The kind smile, the deep brown eyes, the short blonde hair. He met her glance with a smirk.
"I know I'm handsome, but you're going to have to control yourself, Sister."
Noam looked away and apologized quietly.
"Now that you're all here, we will be heading out into the Wilds. You will stick close to me as I can sense the darkspawn and you can't. I know, tragic you don't get the superpowers yet, so you'll be stuck with me. We need to collect a few vials of darkspawn blood, and as well, we have a few documents to pick up from a cache in the woods. I know, nothing too exciting, but new recruits get all of the fun tasks. My name is Alistair, in case you need to cry out in fear when a spider chases after you and you need me to come rescue you."
The others shared their names, but Noam did not say a word.
The Kochari Wilds echoed with the sounds of the creatures fleeing through it. Noam felt overwhelmed, her staff outstretched as she tried to make her bearings. The blood of the darkspawn was easy enough, though Noam shook over the body of a genlock as she extracted its blood. This was not how she expected to use her healer training.
As they grew closer to the cache, an odd sensation struck her. There was another mage nearby. The Circle would not let only one go this far by themselves, which only meant there was an apostate hiding in the forests. She did not reveal this information and followed the others into the ruins.
The mage made her appearance as Noam reached the broken chest. A wilding woman. Noam's heart leapt. She had heard stories, tales of those who were born free of the Chantry, but she never had believed. Yet here this woman was, beautiful and proud as she strode into their arena. The men pulled out their weapons, but Noam simply stepped forth. She wished she could embrace her as sister, but she held herself back as the witch examined them.
"My name is Noam," she said kindly, causing the other three to stare at her.
"And I am Morrigan. A pleasure to meet a woman like myself among such fools. The Grey Wardens will be lucky to have you."
"We seek ancient treaties that were once kept here. Do you know where they are?"
"She must have stolen them," Daveth accused, "Wildling women take what they can before they run back into the trees."
Morrigan smirked, "Indeed. Perhaps I shall take your socks and mittens too before I go. My mother has them in her custody. Follow me and we shall get them back to their rightful owners."
Morrigan led them as the men anxiously looked around, glancing at their unfamiliar surroundings. Noam walked beside her and Morrigan looked over at her in amusement.
"The Wardens never cease to amaze me," Morrigan chuckled, "Those three buffoons will probably be high ranking officers and you will be left to scrub the pots and pans. They never understand true power."
Noam did not understand and simply followed wordlessly.
"You do not know, do you?" Morrigan asked with a raised eyebrow, "Tell me, why do think you recruited into their folds?"
"I helped a blood mage escape from the Tower," Noam replied, "I was conscripted in exchange for my life."
"Truly?" Morrigan chuckled, "Now that is not what I expected. They must be desperate for new blood indeed. No offense intended, for what I have ever observed or heard they prefer noble men's third daughters, lithe little blonde things that happen to know a few things about swordplay or archery."
"What do they want with me?"
"You trust me over the word of your fellow Wardens? My, how you must trust the bonds of sisterhood over the bonds of blood. I admire that, even if it is foolish. Let me say this. Your body will not be your own. It is the property of the Wardens from the moment you join them. It goes for men as well, but it will affect you more than them if you understand my meaning," Morrigan glanced back over at the men behind them. Noam could feel that she wanted to say more, but the men were closer now and she could see a small hut in between the branches of trees.
The Witch was oddly kind to her, though she snarled at the other three. She pinched her cheek as she would a grandchild, sending her on the way with the treaties in her pack. Morrigan did not speak to her as she guided them back onto the trail, her mind apparently on other things.
The three men spooked of the encounter, they huddled together as they marched back to camp. The rain started around them, misting at first and growing heavier as they hiked the hill to Ostagar. As the rain poured around them, Alistair called out to her, "Hey!"
Noam turned around, pulling the hood of her cloak further overhead to block out the rain. Alistair stood in front of her, the rain drenching his hair and armour, as he smiled out and called out in the rain, "You dropped this."
He tossed over the Chantry amulet, which Noam caught deftly in her hands. She looked down in surprise as he walked up beside her. He said, "Actually, Daveth stole it when you weren't looking, but I thought I'd relieve it from him. I didn't know you were so devout. I was raised in the Chantry, myself. I haven't seen anyone wear one of these particular ones since I was in my Templar training. I always liked the copper ones, they seem to just shine."
Noam put the amulet back around her neck, holding it in her hand. She realized she was stifling a tear as she put it back beneath her robes.
"Thank you," she said quietly and turned back, walking towards the camp.
Drenched, the rain seemed to ease as they entered through the gates of Ostagar. Instinctively, Noam stayed close to Alistair as they returned to Duncan's side. Duncan had a few others with him by the fire and he silenced them angrily.
"You returned. Successful I hope?"
Alistair handed over the supplies and the treaties, "We have what you have asked for. I'm afraid it is time for the Joining."
Duncan, Alistair and the other five Wardens led the three of them into the old Temple of Ostagar. Noam looked up at the menacing sky and then back down at the chalice being brought forth, the vials of blood being mixed into the wine and herbs of the mixture.
She immediately blamed herself for being so stupid. She tried to turn around, but a gruff Warden gave her a push forward into the Circle.
Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten. And that one day we shall join you.
Noam's heart raced. She was not going to die here. She would find her way back to him. She had to. But as she watched Daveth die of the cup and Jory die of the blade, she knew this was the only way forward.
As the seven men watched, she drank of the cup. The pain ripped through her and she cried out as she fell. Before she was overwhelmed by the visions of the Old Gods, she saw him once more and reached out to him.
As she rose, she saw Alistair standing over her as Duncan disagreed with the other five. Alistair heard her stirring and bent down, helping her stand. "Come on," he said disgustedly, "Let them have their arguments. You need to get a good meal."
Noam agreed, her legs wobbling slightly as she walked, his hand on her arm to steady her. They returned to the campfire, and she tried to warm herself in her damp clothing as Alistair returned with stew for the both of them. She ate without speaking, looking up only once at him when he offered her bread.
She had only finished half her meal when she felt full. She wordlessly offered her portion to Alistair who grinned. "You'll regret that later," he said, "I'm like a stray dog, once you feed me once, I'm hard to get rid of."
She looked up at him and almost smiled. He was not unlike a puppy. She remembered the little one she had in the Alienage, the sweet little black dog who used to follow her about and beg for her scraps of food at dinner.
She heard Duncan approach and she looked up at him, the glare returning to her eyes. Alistair took the rest of the food and left, smiling at her as he did so. Duncan sat beside her and she looked away.
"I apologize, child. I meant to be with you when you awakened. There is much to discuss now that you are a Grey Warden. Now that you know of the taint, of the blood that makes us who we are, you must know about your duties."
Noam said angrily, "I think I have a good guess, but let's see how you view it."
Duncan replied, "The Joining kills more Grey Wardens than it makes. But we need that taint in our blood to survive. We have found over the years that it simply easier to replicate that taint than it is to create anew. The child of Grey Wardens is generally immune to the taint and will survive the Joining. Many of our recruits are Warden born now. It is the most…humane way."
"To breed us like cattle? That is humane?"
"Wardens are needed to stop the Blight. Better a few children be born here than many more to die in the days and weeks to come."
Noam put her head in her hands as Duncan continued, "It is the Warden Commander who selects the breeding partners of female Grey Wardens, though I will give you say in the matter. You will fight among us until you are pregnant and then will return to the Denerim fortress where you will work as house guard. Our women protect our fortresses and children, the most important duty one could have. Our children are raised communally and your children will know you as birth mother, but you will have no greater say in their upbringing than those of the Senior Grey Wardens. Children are not taught of their fathering, for it is simply not important. You may return to the field three months after a birth, but you will be expected to conceive as quickly as possible. If you have difficulty conceiving, the Warden Commander may have to change breeding partners and patterns."
Noam smirked and did not say a word.
"Traditionally since it is the first night, you are permitted to chose any partner. The others at your Joining felt that you should be…put to work as soon as possible with as many as possible. We have only five women in the Order at present and we have had no children born for two years, none that survived for more than that. But, tradition is tradition. Tomorrow you may have different arrangements, but for tonight, you have your choice."
Noam asked, "And if I don't want to do this?"
"I gave you your life. You owe us service. This is your service. You will defend the land from the Blight. Is that not worth any price?"
Noam closed her eyes for a moment, letting the tears fade back and she took a deep breath. Opening again, she looked around at the men of the camp, many leering at her. Duncan put his hand on her knee, "I would be gentle, child. It is difficult the first time, but it will be easier."
Noam pushed his hand off her knee and said, "I have no control what you do tomorrow, but as long as I can, you will not have me."
She stood, seeing Alistair stand nearby, his cheeks blushing slightly as she walked towards him. He looked down at her in amusement until she kissed him deeply. That same taste of lyrium and sweat made her heart leap, her body pulsing as his hands went around her waist. He kissed her harder and her hands went to the side of his face.
If she only closed her eyes, then she could remember. Then it would not be so bad.
She led him into her tent, now empty with the women assigned out for the evening. She kissed him again, his hands fumbling over the laces of her robes and her hands delicately removing his armour. As her robes fell around her and she stood naked before him, Alistair moaned slightly, stripping himself quickly of his gear and standing before her only in smallclothes.
"I've never done this before," he admitted between heavy kisses, "I know it's our duty, but…Maker, you're so beautiful."
Touched, Noam stroked his cheek, and said softly, "We can take it slowly."
Alistair kissed her softly as she took off his small clothes, her hand slipping around his hardened cock. He moaned out again and kissed her shoulder, whispering, "Maker, don't do that to me. I won't last."
The idea that this man might father her child made her want to laugh in some strange way. Anders would have found this whole scenario amusing, if not so absurd. After years of sleeping with men in the corners of rooms, in the Chantry, in storage closets, and trying so desperately not to get pregnant, here she was having a shy virgin trying to knock her up while the Wardens eagerly waited.
The thought made her want to cry a little and Alistair kissed her again, softer.
"I know this wasn't what you wanted," he said quietly, "If you can't…we can pretend, I won't tell a soul. Maker, I'm so sorry."
Noam kissed him, her hands resting on his chest, and murmured, "I'd rather it be you."
She laid down among the blankets and he knelt above her, nuzzling into her neck as she wrapped her legs around him. She wrapped her arms around his neck as his hands angled himself into her. She cried out slightly and he withdrew until she kissed him again. Alistair slid back into her, moaning and pulling her close to him.
He thrust into her, his hand digging into the dirt, the other holding her, his fingers slipping in effort. She wanted to imagine Cullen, wanted to imagine she was in his arms again. But that was not fair, not to her or the man pounding into her. She opened her eyes and looked into his, his face concentrated as he thrust, grunting slightly as they kissed again. She felt his legs shake around her and with a hard thrust she felt him come inside of her. He thrust a few times again before growing soft and withdrawing from her. He kissed her deeply, pulling her into his arms as he laid down among the blankets.
She felt herself tear up and Alistair leaned in again and murmured, "Did I hurt you?"
She shook her head and despite herself, smiled, "No, you were very good to me."
"I'll be better next time. We'll have more practice-I mean, if you'll have me. I don't know what Duncan will assign…but, if we can, I'd like to stay with you."
Despite herself, Noam curled up on his chest and murmured, "Okay."