My first Harry Potter related fic, ever... well, okay, the first one I've ever posted; technically it's the second one I've ever written. Anyway, technicalities aside... yeah, I figured after all the Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean madness I've been writing lately, it's time to take a break (just an itty bitty one, I promise!) and do some one-shots for other stories I like. And I so dearly wanted to write something for my favorite character in the series, Snape (certainly the most complicated character... ever). I just felt so bad for him, after reading DH (I won't say more than that because I don't want to spoil anything for those who haven't read Deathly Hallows yet - though be warned, I might've accidentally spoiled something in the story without realizing it). And I really really REALLY needed to do something for him... so here's the result. (Well, actually, this is just ONE of the results - I also wrote another fic which I won't post because it's absolutely horrid, just rambling really, and I also wrote 2 poems and drew a portrait, which are all posted on my DeviantArt account.) Hope you like it; and yes, the title comes straight from the first song on the soundtrack for Titanic. The song (along with the song "A Promise Kept" and "Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave" which are also from the Titanic soundtrack) was actually both my inspiration and the background music for the actual writing of this story... and against all odds, I think the title and the story work pretty well together. I certainly never expected to combine Titanic and the world of Hogwarts, of all things, but once it came to me, I couldn't get it out of my head. So yeah, read, enjoy, and please review. :)
Disclaimer: All characters, places, etc. belong to JK Rowling, and "Never an Absolution" (the song from the Titanic soundtrack) belongs to James Horner, one of the greatest movie composers EVER.
She was walking away from him… again. Looking for Potter and his gang, no doubt – certainly not looking for him. They'd barely spoken since… well, since he'd made the worst mistake in his life so far. But today was the last day they had together at Hogwarts. He might not see her again; maybe, just maybe, she'd forgive him at last. He couldn't let her leave without at least trying one last time. He might not get another chance.
He strode after her, his black cloak billowing out behind him as he approached. He did not speak until he was too close for her to avoid him. "Lily."
She gave a little start and turned to him, bewilderment fading to vexation and blatant dislike when she saw who had spoken her name. "Severus." She gave him a curt nod and began to walk away from him once more, but he kept up with her easily, his legs being longer than hers. She glanced at him irritably out of the corner of her eye, saw that he was not going away quite that easily, and stopped, glaring at him. "What do you want?"
"What do you think?" More than you know.
She eyed him warily, her green eyes moving over his face, searching for the meaning behind this sudden breach of silence. "We've barely spoken for the last three years, Sev. Don't expect me to be able to read your mind."
Despite the anger in her words, she flushed a little under the intensity of his gaze when she met his eyes. "How many times must I apologize, Lily? I told you, I didn't mean it. Can't you just let it go?"
Temper flared in her usually kind eyes. "Let it go? After everything you've done to James and the others, after what you called me – you think I can just let it go?"
"Please, Lily," he said, wincing at the pleading tone his voice had taken on but unable to stop himself. "After tomorrow, you might not get another chance." Instinctively, he reached for her hand; pain darkened his already black eyes when she drew away from his touch, and he let his hand fall back to his side limply.
"No, Severus. No. Go find your Death Eater friends; I'm sure they wouldn't be happy if they saw you hanging out with a Gryffindor." Her nose in the air, she turned and stalked off. He stood and watched her as she crossed the field, breaking into a trot when she caught sight of James and the Marauders – he turned away just before she threw her arms around her new boyfriend.
He knew he had been a fool to think she would forgive him, after everything – he had been a fool to hope. And he'd be damned if he'd make the same mistake twice, make a fool of himself a second time… Yet he soon found himself doing exactly that; as he was pulled along with the tide of students rushing to get off the Hogwarts Express and onto Platform 9¾ for the last time, he caught a glimpse of Lily's distinguished red hair in the crowd, and heard himself shouting her name even as he inwardly told himself it was no use. Against his better judgment, he caught up with her a second time, grasping her arm and pulling her away from the throng before she could evade him.
Despite the lingering tears in her eyes from the goodbyes she'd been saying only moments before with the others, her expression hardened when she recognized him. "Severus, what-"
"Lily, please, listen to me. Maybe I don't deserve to be forgiven-"
"You don't."
"-but I need to know I tried. If there's any way I could ever make it up to you, I would-"
"Don't bother." She tried to pull away from him, but his grip on her arm tightened, causing her to glare at him with real anger this time. "Severus-"
"Lily, you don't understand. I…" He hesitated. Of all the things he'd ever shared with her, there was one thing he had never told her, something he'd sworn to himself he never would. Was he going to break that oath now, after all? "I just want us to be friends again, like we used to be. I miss you, Lily."
He looked up tentatively into her eyes, expecting fury, apathy… anything but what he found. He saw fresh tears in her eyes, and her expression had softened just a fraction. She shook her head, as if to clear it, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. "I… I miss you too, Sev. I miss the friend I used to have. The friend who wasn't a Death Eater." Her expression hardened again as she saw that he didn't – couldn't – deny it. "How could I ever be friends with you, knowing that your loyalties lie with… him?" She swiped at her face with a shaky hand, furious with herself as more tears spilled down her cheeks.
"I… I could change, Lily. If you'd just forgive me…"
"Are you blackmailing me now?" she exclaimed, and he shook his head hurriedly.
"No, no, that's not what I meant! It's just, it's the only thing that would make it worth it if I left them…"
"The only thing, huh? You mean, aside from joining the fight against evil, aside from knowing you made the right choice instead of the easy one?" She shook her head, clearly disgusted. "I can't believe you. I can't believe I…" Grimacing, she turned away from him again.
Desperately, Severus clutched at her hand, pulling her back to him just before she disappeared into the crowd. She opened her mouth to shout at him, furious at his lack of respect, but she pulled up short when she inadvertently met his eyes. They looked at her so sadly, with such pain… Her expression softening despite herself, she bit her lip, unsure of how to proceed.
"Lily, I… I love you." His already sallow face grew paler with his admission, and he dropped her hand, looking down and away from her. He'd promised himself he wouldn't do this again, he'd sworn he would never tell her, how could he have been so stupid...
"That's why you hate James so much," she whispered after a long pause; Snape's head jerked up in surprise, for he had been sure she had left him by then. Her face was a mixture of shock, fear, and pity as she met his gaze once more. "That's why you didn't want me to hang out with them. All this time…" She trailed off, terrified of the knowledge she'd so suddenly acquired.
"I…" He couldn't speak, his throat double-clutching as he fought to find his dignity, to find some way to fix this…
Suddenly, his hand grew warm. Looking down, he found Lily had slipped her hand in his; confused, he raised his eyes to hers. They were swimming with tears she no longer bothered to wipe away, and her expression was one of… of… "I can't believe I never saw it," she murmured, and stepped closer. "Severus… I'm… sorry."
Now he was truly bewildered. Since when did Lily have anything to apologize for? He was the one who was supposed to be seeking her forgiveness, not the other way around. "You… what?"
"It makes sense now, why you treated him like you did, why you always tried to tell me he was bad… why you were so upset that day he…" She paused. "Sev, if I had known… I…" Suddenly, in a swift, decisive motion, she threw her arms around him, and whispered, "I forgive you."
His heart skipped a beat, two beats, skittered, stopped… and began to soar. She… she couldn't have just said what he thought he'd hear her say. Could she? "You… you do?"
Slowly, she pulled away from him enough to look him in the face. "How can I not?" She smiled, the expression bittersweet, and hugged him again.
It was so unreal. How could this be happening? He had wished, hoped, dreamed she would forgive him at last – but he had never for one second believed she actually would. Afraid of making another ghastly mistake and losing her again, he tentatively put his arms around her, the corners of his mouth tugging up in an unfamiliar way, and he almost smiled; it was too good to be true…
"Severus," said a female voice, and he frowned: it was not Lily's. But who…? "Severus, wake up!"
Jerking upright, Severus looked around wildly for Lily, for the crowd surrounding them on the platform… Instead, he saw Bellatrix Black, her eyes as dark as her name, staring him in the face, her lips twisted in an amused grin. Looking past her, he saw Avery, Mulciber, Evan Rosier and Lucius Malfoy chatting, already changed out of their Hogwarts uniforms. He felt the room they were in vibrating slightly, and looked out the window he'd fallen asleep leaning against to discover the landscape outside it flying by. They were on the train, on their way home… it had all just been a dream.
Swallowing with difficulty, he remembered the day before – his last day at Hogwarts, which had been nothing like the day he'd invented in his dream. He'd seen Lily, all right, but he had not approached her; she'd already been in the company of Potter and the Marauders when he'd caught sight of her. And the entire scene on Platform 9¾, when Lily had forgiven him at last… that had been a dream too, only a dream. He closed his eyes to hide the pain from Bellatrix's sharp gaze, pretending he was only annoyed at being woken up.
He heard Bellatrix's throaty laugh as she leaned back into her seat across from him. "What's the matter, Severus? Stay up late last night?" She and the others chuckled.
"Probably reading his Potions book again," said Lucius dismissively; Snape could almost see Lucius casually waving his hand in that obnoxiously lazy manner of his, even though his eyes remained closed. "He's always scribbling notes in it."
Severus waited until the topic of conversation had shifted away from him again before opening his eyes to gaze out the window. He was a fool, all right – a fool not to see it had only been a dream. At least he had not really told her of his feelings for her… but it was small comfort compared to the loss he felt now that the dream was over. It had been years since he'd seen Lily smiling at him, and the few words they had traded since their break three years earlier had not been friendly ones. And he knew, with as much conviction as he knew he loved her, that he was the one at fault. But she would not listen, and apparently never would. She would always blame him, just as he would always love her – both were heavy burdens he would have to carry for a long time, probably the rest of his life.
He closed his eyes again, remembering the way she'd looked at him in his dreams, the same way she'd once looked at him a long time ago, back before she'd met James Potter, back before they'd boarded the train that fateful day and their lives had changed forever. She had smiled at him – because of him – and she had cared for him. He knew, with a dreadful certainty, that he would never see that look upon her face again, just as he would never with his waking eyes see Lily Evans forgiving him. That time was long gone; he had lost his chance once and for all to earn her forgiveness. It hurt him to know that, from now until his dying day, there was never an absolution; only dreams, as insubstantial and as fleeting as the wind.