When the world is dark and stifling as though it's covered in felt, when inside is numb and hollow as an empty ice-cream cone, Molly wraps her hands around her neck and squeezes. Palms in front, fingertips nearly meeting in back, pressing against blood vessels until her pink-painted nails brush against each other and her face starts to tingle and black spots dance before her eyes. Euphoria fills her. Sparks dance through her veins and her skin feels hot enough to fry an egg on and she is dizzydizzydizzy which way is up? Down? It doesn't matter anymore. When the sounds around her fade into a blur and the black spots are covering her vision completely and her arm starts to shake (only her right arm, for some reason, always only her right arm), her hands automatically release and she leans back, breathing and smiling.
The nothingness comes back quickly, though, and she does it again and again. She does what she has to in order to feel.
One time she offhandedly asked Lucy (genius Lucy who knows the answer to everything, of course) if it was dangerous. She spent ten minutes figuring out how to phrase it so Lucy wouldn't worry, popped into Lucy's room for a minute- "Luce, hey, quick question! My friend gets choked sometimes when she does karate and her cousin told her it could give her brain damage, is that true?"
Lucy doesn't even look up to answer. "Yeah, it's cutting off blood flow to the brain, of course it's dangerous. Not enough blood can cause permanent damage, and the risk increases the more often it happens."
"Thanks," Molly mutters, and slides out of the room.
"Close the door!" Lucy calls as she leaves, and Molly does.
After that she's more careful, sparing. She tries to stop completely- she doesn't want brain damage!- but there are times when she would rather die than go on another day, and those are the times her hands drift to her neck again. Better brain damage than a life not worth living, she reasons. It makes perfect sense (yet she still keeps it secret).
One time she tries to bring it up with her dad. It's a warm summer night, and he asks her over dinner how her day was, as he always does. Mom and Lucy aren't home, it's just the two of them, so she dares to be honest for once.
"It… well, there were hard bits," she says, drawing circles in her mashed potatoes.
"Hard bits?" Percy looks at her, worried. "Are your summer essays stressing you out? You spend too much time working alone in your room. You ought to study with friends, that would make you feel better. Why don't you write to Lorcan and Karen, get them to come help you?"
Words fill Molly's throat, jostling against each other in their hurry to get out, but they get stuck somewhere in between mashed potatoes and orange juice. "N-no," she manages to choke out, "I think I'm good- just tired, I didn't sleep well last night, I was up late studying."
Percy sighs. "You remind me of myself when I was your age. School is important, studying is all well and good, but you'll drive yourself crazy if that's the only thing you think of. You need to spend time with your friends, relax a bit."
Molly looks at his set face, knows she won't be able to convince him to drop it. "Alright, I'll... I'll owl Karen, see if she wants to see a movie or something. Maybe we'll go swimming."
That night she stares at flat parchment, her mind blank. The words that usually assault her mind have abandoned her. What can she say to Karen? They're friends, sure, but just school friends. They've never been the sort to share their deepest secrets or make any effort to hang out over the summer, not like Lucy and her flock. Finally she decides screw it, I'll just tell her the truth, and writes… Karen, my dad thinks I need to be more social, want to go swimming or something?
She regrets it as soon as she's sent it, sure Karen will think she's weird and abandon her forever, but it's getting late and her eyelids are heavy and she can't bring herself to care that much. Before Arrow is even out of sight, she's slipping off her clothes and pulling on pajamas and sliding into bed.
She's woken up early the next morning by a weird tapping sound that she assumes is part of her dream until she sees Arrow tapping on the window. Karen's written back already? That was quick…
Pushing down the part of her that's convinced that Karen only wrote back to tell her how much she hates her, she shuffles to the window, lazily snaps it open, and coaxes Arrow inside. With a whispered "thank you" she takes the letter, and Arrow swoops off again.
Sitting on her bed, she opens it. Karen wants to "hang" (her phrasing, not Molly's) at her place, says to bring her stuff and make it a sleepover. Molly sighs. Gravity drags on her wooden limbs and she's not sure she can smile for that long… but it's only a night, and it'll make Dad happy, so she scrawls a quick ok and goes downstairs to find Arrow.
Karen is quieter at home than she is at school, but she's still bubbly and enthusiastic and a little odd. "Come in, come in," she says, her smile bright around crooked teeth. She grabs Molly's bag with one sharp hand and drags Molly herself with the other. Upstairs, she plops the bag on her lilac bedspread.
Molly looks around at a perfectly neat white-and-purple room with a fluffy carpet, a row of stuffed animals circling the room on a shelf near the ceiling, and pillows that match the flowered wallpaper. It's nothing like Karen's messy slice of their dorm. "This is… nice."
"I know, I know, not at all me, right?" Karen rolls her eyes, still smiling. "But after my brothers my mother was so excited to decorate a room for a girl, and actually I kinda like purple! And the teddy bears make me feel like a little kid again, it's great."
"Interesting," Molly says. "I haven't had a stuffed animal since… well, since I can't remember."
"No?" Karen's a whirlwind, standing on her toes to reach a fuzzy dark brown bear that holds a red velvet heart, pushing it into Molly's arms. "Take it! Everyone needs a teddy bear, they're the best!"
Molly laughs, but her fingers are already curling protectively around it. "No, I couldn't possibly, it's yours!"
Karen gestures at the shelves filled with teddy bears and plush bunnies and tiny turtles. "Do you really think I lack stuffed animals?"
Molly laughs again. She's already trying to decide what to name her new friend.
At dinner, Molly meets Karen's family: Jason, her dad, who has the same freckles that barely show up against his dark skin as Karen does; Saralee, her mom, who has the same bright smile; Matt, who has Karen's lanky frame; Tony and Will, who have her crazy bouncy hair; and Scorpius, who's technically Tony's friend but who's basically part of the family at this point. They're all boisterous and loud and friendly, and she finds herself relaxing, letting their colorful voices wash over her and even playfully arguing with them. It's a lovely meal, but it flies by too fast and before Molly knows it, Jason and Saralee and Matt and Tony and Will are scooping up plates and dishes and washing everything. She stands, offers to help, but Karen pushes her back into her seat with a stern "you're a guest, you don't get to help! Sit and talk to Scorpius."
So she does.
"You look very familiar, Molly, do I know you from somewhere? You go to Hogwarts, right?" Scorpius's voice is soft but still friendly.
Molly nods. She recognizes Scorpius, of course. He's not exactly easy to miss, with his perfect pale hair and high cheekbones and the best grades in all of 6th year.
"What year? What house? I'm a Ravenclaw, 6th year," he says.
Molly doesn't bother to tell him she already knows. "Gryffindor, 5th year."
"Oh right, I know you! You're one of Al's cousins, aren't you? Are you very close to the Potters? I don't think I've seen you there much."
"No, I mean, we're cousins, but our parents don't have much in common so we don't really see each other except when the whole family gets together." She realizes how that could sound. "They don't dislike each other! They're just all very busy, so when Uncle Harry and my mother get a chance to relax, they usually just want to stay home with their family, their immediate family."
Scorpius nods. "My mother's the same way. She works crazy hours at the daily prophet, and she's really close with her sister, but they hardly ever see each other because they're so busy." He looks at Molly with an expression she can't quite decipher. "But that's just your family. What about you?"
"What about me?"
Scorpius nods. "Like- what sort of person are you? What do you like? What are you scared of?"
Molly laughs. "I just met you, and you want me to share my deepest fears with you?"
"Well, it doesn't have to be your deepest fears, just something interesting. Let's make it a game- you tell me something, and then I'll say something equally personal." He grins, and it's so endearing she'd agree to anything just to see that smile again.
"Ok… uh… I'm terrified of worms," she says.
"See, was that so hard? I'm terrified of drowning. Your turn."
"I wish I could dance."
His smile is fast and light and spreads over his whole face and into his eyes. "Me too."
She has no idea why she says what she does next, only that once she has realized what she is saying, it's too late to take back. "I think the Sorting Hat made a mistake with me."
He looks at her, considers. "I don't. My turn: I could never be a Gryffindor because though I'm not scared of much, I've never done anything in the face of fear."
"Wait- you don't?" She asks, confused. "Don't think it made a mistake with me or with you?"
"Either, really, but I meant you," he says.
She frowns. "How would you know? You just met me."
"I don't know, just a feeling." His smile is gone and he looks serious. "You just strike me as someone who fights, all the time, not with anyone specific but with yourself and the world and fate."
She smiles a bit, because this is completely ridiculous, but there's a warm feeling spreading inside her. "You strike me as someone a bit silly but very sweet."
He laughs. "Spot-on."
That night, when the stars don't come out from behind heavy clouds, apathy seeps back into Molly's bones. She sighs, turns over against the wall, and there is Karen, asleep, so close that her breath brushes Molly's shoulder. The moment feels so fragile Molly doesn't dare move. In the darkness she can't see the teddy bear with the heart- her teddy bear- but she knows it's sitting on the floor by the bed, and it feels like a guardian, protecting her from anything out there in the night.
Behind her eyes, Scorpius's smile flashes, and beside her Karen sleeps soundly, and inside her something warm touches the empty ice.