A/N: Just taking a little bit of time out form my new fic to post this rather depressing one shot. It's based on spoilers for next week so if you don't likey then don't read-y. I was listening to 'When a Blind Man Cries' by Deep Purple and thought it would fit quite well. the lyrics are in italics.
Disclaimer: Don't own EastEnders or it's characters. I do seem to like causing them pain though, it's the sadist in me.
Warning: mentions attempt of suicide
When a Blind Man Cries
If you're leaving close the door.
I'm not expecting people anymore.
Syed was already drunk when Roxy visited him and told him he should leave Walford. He had been attempting to drown himself in vodka, not caring any longer if he lived or died. He had hurt everyone he cared about, his parents, Amira and Christian. He had been abandoned by the religion he had put his entire life into. He had nothing left. He had no-one.
He could feel the tears fall down his face but he didn't try to wipe them away. He cried for lost love, for lost family and for himself. He was so lost he couldn't seem to find himself anymore. He couldn't even remember how he got to this place. So he wept. It was all he could do.
He saw the pills on the table. They called out to him, promising an escape from the pain and confusion he was feeling. He grabbed the bottle and poured the pills onto his outstretched hand. He stared at them for a moment, trying to decide whether or not to take them. Syed thought of everyone he had hurt and then threw them into his mouth before washing them down with vodka.
Hear me grieving, I'm lying on the floor.
Whether I'm drunk or dead I really ain't too sure.
Syed waited as the sleepy feeling began to envelop him. It was almost a liberating feeling, he felt as though he was floating even though his body was still rooted to this earth. He could feel all his pain and fear slipping away as his eyes began to close and his breathing began to slow.
He thought of his family and he wondered if they would be upset once they found him dead. Then again, he was already dead to them so he doubted they would grieve much for him. They hated him in life they would probably hate him in death too. He could almost hear his mother curse him about how he had shamed them even more by committing suicide. He doubted his parents would even turn up to his funeral.
He thought of Amira, the woman he had promised his life to but ended up betraying in the worst possible way. In hindsight he knew he shouldn't have done it but he was so confused that it had seemed like the best thing to do at the time. Now he had ruined her. No Muslim man would want her, she was tainted. He had tainted her like he had tainted everything else in his life.
I'm a blind man, I'm a blind man and my world is pale.
When a blind man cries, lord, you know there ain't no sadder tale.
Had a friend once in a room,
Had a good time but it ended much too soon.
He thought of Christian, the man he had loved so much but no longer had. He remembered the times they had spent together and a smile almost passed his lips. Christian had been the first man to break down his barriers and worm his way into Syed's heart until his mark was indelibly marked there. He would be with Syed forever whether he knew that or not.
But Christian had told Syed he never wanted to see Syed again and that hurt more than Syed could ever comprehend. A part of Syed wished things had turned out differently, maybe if Syed had been more comfortable with his sexuality, not so cowardly then maybe they could have been happy together. He wished he had told Christian one last time how much he loved him but it was too late now. He would never get to tell him that he loved him ever again.
In a cold month in that room
We found a reason for the things we had to do.
He began to lose sense of time as his limbs started to feel numb. His breathing was so slow now he could barely feel his chest rise and fall. He welcomed the darkness now. No-one could save him now, he was well past that. Death was the best thing for him now and everyone he had hurt would be able to move on without him there as a constant reminder of what a failure he was. He felt at peace for the first time in such a long time.
He felt one final tear drop down his cheek as the blackness finally enveloped him and he let himself go to the darkness.
I'm a blind man, I'm a blind man, now my room is cold.
When a blind man cries, lord, you know he feels it from his soul.