A Flicker of an Instant
"Why do you always refuse me, Evans? Just provide me with one good reason."
Lily sniffed, sticking her nose up in the air as she walked by James. It was just the two of them in the hallway, and she wished there were more people there. It was easier to avoid him when there were other people around. "I've already provided you with plenty of good reasons, Potter. You're arrogant, cocky, prideful—"
James laughed, but Lily sensed the anger in is tone, something she wasn't at all used to. Her back stiffened and she whipped around to face him. "Those are all synonyms," he spat, and she hated how attractive he looked, standing perfectly straight, his books dangling in his left hand which rested at his side. He was left-handed and she hated him for that small unique trait.
"And you're also a bully," Lily added, defending herself with another reason. "You play horrible pranks on people—"
"I haven't been a bully since fifth year and you know that," James retorted, taking a step towards Lily. The heat in his gaze burned straight to her core and she realized that he had never looked so passionate to her. For a flicker of an instant, she found herself wishing that that fire was there for a completely different reason. "And how dare you attack me like this? You're prideful too. And at least I have the decency to bully people to their face. You're not the nicest of people either, Lily." His words bit her and she meant to interject, letting out a gasp and she jumped backwards, but he continued speaking, his voice deep and strong. "Oh, you might help those in need and you might tutor others and you might be the best damned Head Girl this school has seen in years, but you're still a snob. I hear you talking about others, laughing at them—we all do it. It's called being a teenager. So how dare you attack me for pride and for cruelty when you're just the same as me?"
Lily felt the tears welling up in her eyes and cradled her books to her chest. She longed to answer James with a biting insult—with another remark—but she couldn't. No one had ever insulted her like that before. She wanted to turn and run away and so she did that, but he was faster than her and immediately on her heels, placing a firm hand on her shoulder. Startled and scared, she dropped her books to the floor and noticed that he'd done the same as well. The sound of their fall was delayed in her ears.
She spun around to face him and noticed that the look in his eyes had cooled down. "So tell me why, Lily," he said, his voice softer, though he was breathing deeply, most likely winded from yelling. She was breathing deeply as well, her heart rate accelerating with her anger and the feeling of his hand on her shoulder and the strange look in his eyes. "Just tell me why. One good reason why."
Lily closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. She bit her lip, fighting back the tears and wondered if James saw her eyelids trembling. She was startled when she felt his thumb graze her lips, smoothing them over so that she would stop biting them. God, how does he do that? she thought to herself. How does he yell at me—call me out like no one else can, and then comfort me like no one else can seconds later? How does he do that?
She didn't answer him with any reasons, but instead opened her eyes with his touch. "I know it's not because I'm not your type," James said with a laugh, releasing his hold on her. Lily missed his touch immediately. "I see the other boys you date. They're all tall, all with dark hair. All of them play Quidditch, or at least have tried out. They were all prefects, which I wasn't, but I am Head Boy…" he trailed off, and she found herself gazing at his lips. "Though there is one difference—they're all frightfully boring." Lily wanted to deny this but couldn't, so instead she let out a sharp chuckle. "So what is it, then?" James asked her.
They stood there in such close proximity, ignorant of the world around them. It was only three in the afternoon. Someone could easily come walking down the corridor, see them together, not understand what was going on…
But she didn't care what they thought. God, it felt good just to stand by him like this. Just to hear him yell at her, to have him soothe her... She needed it, that reality check.
When she didn't answer him for a while, James continued speaking. "Though come to think of it, even if I wasn't your type, why shouldn't you give me a chance? Why do you have to be so damned stubborn?"
Lily laughed once more. "Oh, please James. Like you give anyone a chance?"
"Of course I do!" James retorted, but he no longer sounded mad—rather, a bit confused. "I've taken out nearly every girl who's shown an interest in me."
"Just to string them along," Lily responded, stretching out her arms and taking a step back, indignant. "Maybe that's why I don't want to go out with you, James. I don't want to be strung along like some dog on a leash—"
"Don't you realize?!" James yelled, angered once more. "Merlin, Evans. For such a clever girl you're so dense sometimes. Don't you realize I do it all just because I can't have you? Not to make you jealous, but because I can't have what I want the most? I'm not going to let myself suffer, to force myself to be alone just because you won't say yes! Are you waiting for me to do that? Are you?"
Hot tears gathered in Lily's eyes once more and she suddenly found herself wishing that they weren't in the hall. There were so many private rooms much more convenient for this discussion. Then, perhaps, she could show him why she always said no.
She scooped up her books and made to turn and run away, but he grabbed her by her wrist. "You can't run away from this Evans. Not anymore. We only have a few months left together and I'm not letting them pass by without an answer."
She had to do it. It was now or never. Lily whipped around, both pulling herself out of James's grasp and positioning herself to face him. Then, she did what she had longed to do for years now. She closed her eyes and kissed him.
It was a short kiss, but she felt every detail of it. Her lips brushed against his, and he didn't kiss back for a moment, startled. Finally, he did, and the kiss was almost hard, insistent. She felt her heart beat wildly in her chest and in the moment that he pressed against her, she felt his heart keeping time with hers. Then, he pulled away, a look in his eyes of both surprise, anger, and something else—something that spoke of finding water and food after days of starvation.
She waited a moment before letting out a shaky breath and murmuring, "That's why, James. That's why I always refuse you."
She stepped away from him, running a nervous hand through her hair. The gesture reminded her of James, but he always did so cockily, not out of anxiety. "That doesn't explain anything," James said, his voice even. "That doesn't explain anything at all."
Lily let out a frustrated sigh. "Of course it does!" she exclaimed, spreading her hands wide and dropping her books again. "You and all of your girlfriend—so yes, I've gone out with some boys. But I haven't really been with any of them. So I've snogged one, kissed another…but God James, look at you!" She was blushing furiously, running her fingers through her hair once more in an awkward attempt to soothe herself so that she would not cry. "I hear what girls say. I know you've slept with quite a few of them, and how do you think that makes me feel? I don't feel jealous…" Her voice grew quiet now. "I don't feel jealous because I know to you it was meaningless. To half of them it was, too. But it makes me feel… incompetent. And if you haven't noticed, I don't like to feel anything short of perfect."
James let out a shaky sight and for a moment Lily thought he might cry, but instead he crossed the hallway and gathered her in his arms. She allowed him to hold her, placing her face against his sweater, onto which she cried in spite of her best efforts not to. She stroked her hair, kissed the top of her head, and stood there with her for quite some time, until he pulled away, holding her by the arms and staring down at her.
They stood there quietly for a moment until James decided to gather all of their books. From there, he placed her hand in his arm before leading her to an empty classroom, where he placed their books on a desk before sitting down on the same one. Lily positioned herself opposite of him. After a few seconds of silence, James murmured, "I'm going to tell you something, Lily. Or rather, jog your memory."
"Okay."
James smiled and Lily couldn't help but smile back. "You probably don't actually remember half of these things, but I do. Third year potions… We were partners. You handed me the next ingredient and our fingers brushed."
"You ruined the potion," Lily noted. "You put the Mandrake root in too quickly."
James rolled his eyes and Lily laughed. "That's not what I'm talking about. Just be quiet and listen."
"Yes, sir."
"Fourth year transfiguration. You dropped your wand. I picked it up for you and you were mad at me for doing so, but again, our fingers brushed. Your cheeks turned bright red and I thought it was out of anger." Chills ran up and down Lily's spine. "Later that year, in the common room. We all decided it would be fun to play a game of spin the bottle. I spun and landed on you. I was too nervous to kiss your lips—"
"So you kissed my cheeks. I thought it was because you didn't want to upset Nancy Rolleston."
"Not at all. You turned that shade of red again."
"But why were you nervous to kiss me?" Lily asked, truly curious. "You'd kissed plenty of other girls by then."
James shrugged. "That's where I'm headed. They weren't you Lily. They weren't perfect."
"I'm not… I'm not perfect."
James just continued with his list. "Fifth year in the hallway. You bumped in to me. Then before our last Quidditch game, even though you hadn't spoken to me since I made an ass out of myself by, well… you know…" Lily nodded, remembering James and the rest of the Marauders bullying Snape. "Well, you wished my good luck, and you grasped my hand. And then the end of last year, when they announced who the Heads would be—you were so shocked. And then you hugged me when we stepped off the train, and told me, 'See you next year.'"
Lily smiled, swallowing. "You remember it all," she said. "I thought it was so insignificant but…"
"And then today." He smiled and then full out laughed before taking her hand. He ran a pattern across it before saying, "Merlin, when I'm fighting with you, Lily, I get more of a rush than when I'm playing Quidditch, than when I'm kissing—doing whatever with any other woman. And the point of the matter is, all those little moments… They were all so real. They were all so much more real than anything else anyone says I ever did with any other girl. Those moments, those were the ones that pulled me through the summer, even through detentions and exams. That memory of you, as you were. Your touch—that's the only real touch there is in this world, for me."
He stood up and kissed her then, holding her face in his hands. She had dreamt of this forever, of how it would feel to have his lips against her own. She sensed that he wanted to kiss her lightly, but couldn't help himself. They'd waited for this moment for so long, and so the kisses were bruising—angry, almost—passionate in the same extent as their fight in the hallway. She wanted to run her hands under his shirt, to kiss him anywhere she could reach and even places she couldn't, but settled for placing them on his sweater instead, where she could still feel the dampness from the tears she had just shed. She pressed herself up against him and he inched closer until he forced her to stand, her bottom wedged against the desk, every possible inch of their body touching the other's.
He pulled away at some point, and Lily assumed it was for air until he said, "So is this an acceptance, Evans? Are you finally done rejecting me? Because clearly the kissing can't be something you hold against me. It's rather good, I believe."
Lily laughed and gazed up at him—his hazel eyes, his messy hair, made messier by her doing, his spectacles, which, no matter how cool others thought he was, made him seem endearingly bookish, though he was not. "You know," Lily remarked. "I've…I've wanted this—wanted you since fourth year. Since before that, maybe. God, I've been a terrible fool."
She cradled her head in her hands before James cupped her hands, forcing her to gaze up at him. "A terrible prideful fool," he reminded her. "But then again…" He trailed off, kissing her. "So have I."
A/N: Right, so it's my last day of my sophomore year of college and I wrote this after realizing that so many times I had mutual feelings for someone in high school and over the past two years, we did nothing about it because at least one of us thought the other was having loads of sex while the other wasn't, and we felt incompetent about that and therefore did nothing. In the end, none of us were having any sex, or someone was but really could've cared less about the other's virginal status. So there you have it! Reviews are super appreciated.