First Year:

1. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

2. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

3. I will not refer to Potions class as, "Home Ec."

4. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, or attempt to make them cry. It is not funny.

5. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

6. I will not call Professor McGonogall; Minnie.

7. I will not greet Professor McGonogall with "What's up pussy cat?"

8. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a magically engorged viper, lion, Tasmanian devil, or piranha (sharks are also prohibited).

9. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

10. I will not, and never will create a song that consists entirely of, "Snape, Snape. Severus Snape. Snape, Snape. Severus Snape." and then proceed to repeat accompanied by the appropriate precussions in Potions class.

11. I will not ask Professor Snape if he gives lessons on sneering.

12. I will not tell Professor Quirrel that he is two-faced.

13. I will not cut off Mrs. Norris' tail.

14. Muggle Hunting is illegal for a reason.

15. I will not refer to any of the Dursley family as, "Those stupid sacks of siberian sheet shit!"

16. A conversation between yourself and Tom Riddle should not include the following.

You: Must have been a fun crawl.

Tom: From where?

You: From the dumpster you were dumped in when you were born.

Tommy gets angry.

17. I will not say to Hermione (after she corrects me on my Transfiguartion Theory for the eighty- second time): When you start talking, I want to take this pencil, stick it into my own eye, swirl it around real good, and then die a million times.

18. Having shit for brains is not possible.

19. I will not enlist other students help in becoming human sacrafices for the Three Headed god on the third floor corridor. The Hogwarts children are students; not food.

20. Harry Potter's name is not and will never be: Harold, Howard, or Harvey. (Take that, Dursley!"

21. Bankers are literally goblins... this is not a joke.

22. I will not categorize fat people into three sizes: Jumbo, OH-MY-GOD-IT'S-COMING-TOWARDS-US, and Vernon Dursley

23. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

24. I will not tell Draco Malfoy that everyone in his family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.

25. I will not go into the Slytherin Common Room and state: If assholes could fly, then this would be an airport.

26. I will not ask Lord Voldemort if he still loves mother nature despite what she did to him.

27. During the Welcoming Feast when the ghosts appear I will not turn to my neighbor and say with wide terrified eyes, "I see dead people."

There you have it ladies and gents! Rules for the first year of Hogwarts :)