Hello folks! I hope you enjoy this little experimental fic I wrote. It helped me process a lot of things. Any feedback is appreciated, as always!
Disclaimer: I do not own Yuri! On Ice.
It's dark.
It's dark and the room is cold but Yuuri is hot hot hot so hot he feels like exploding.
So he does. Yuuri explodes into a thousand shards of jaded ice as he jumps into the air and a thousand shards come back together into one whole when he lands on the ice and Yuuri breathes. He breathes and breathes and says he's fine he's fine he's wonderful he's great he's…
Not.
He's crying. And crying and crying and oh god he can't stop and he can't breathe but he's fine he's wonderful he's great there is nothing wrong and he's…
Dying.
At least he feels like he's dying and the world is ending as ice cools his hot hot exploding heart and skin and dammit he just needs to catch one breath and he'll be fine and get up from the fucking ice Yuuri stop being so dramatic one missed jump does not equal a breakdown get it together and so he gets up and shit Viktor's here now and he's watching you better wave Yuuri you can't let him know. So he does. He waves and waves and smiles and ignores the streams on his cheeks praying that Viktor does not see.
Viktor sees.
Viktor sees and he comes running just as Viktor always does and Yuuri hates. Yuuri hates the running, Hates the attention. Hates that he needs Viktor to care as much as he does. But what can one man do when his mind does everything in its power to ruin him? One man can do nothing. Nothing nothing nothing because Yuuri has tried. He's tried and tried and tried and dammit he has fucking tried and nothing has worked.
Not even Viktor.
Because that's the thing about love. Like a bandaid on a bullet wound it inevitably does nothing but comfort Yuuri that at least something, someone is there with him, and that's got to mean something, right?
…Right?
So when Viktor wipes a hand across his wet cheek Yuuri can't help but fall into him completely. Not because Viktor makes it okay. Not because Viktor is safe. Not because Yuuri is happy. He falls into him because he can't stand on his own two feet anymore and hates and hates and hates and god he's just so tired of it all. He's tired of hating. Of trying. Of pretending that he's good he's great he's fine.
Because he's not.
Yuuri is not good. He's not great. He's not fine.
Yuuri is falling apart and he doesn't know what to do.
Viktor is whispering words of comfort to him. Yuuri hears them, but not really. He doesn't know what Viktor is actually saying, just that this man holding him is speaking and he sounds steady and Yuuri just really needs something steady right now because he can't catch his fucking breath and the world won't stop spinning and Yuuri whimpers. He whimpers and once again he hates himself for it. He's weak weak so weak who the hell do you even think you are. You're nothing. Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing but Viktor is holding him tighter and tighter and tighter and his breath is warm so warm and voice so sweet and low and kind but still not enough and Yuuri just can't anymore.
So Yuuri breaks.
In all his days, months, years, he's never broken like this before. It's new, this kind of breaking. Yuuri's exploded, cracked, shattered, eroded, splintered into jagged edges that allowed him to cut into the ice like a knife. Yuuri's always broken alone. In the privacy of his mind Yuuri breaks. He's shown others his cracks, his scars, his splinters, but never the explosion. Never the actual battle.
But this is different.
This breaking is kind of like melting. Yuuri is just oozing and flowing and sobbing and no matter what he what he can't stop it, and so he stops trying. He stops and Viktor is there and wow melting just feels so good compared to the others. It's gentler. Kinder. Softer.
But it still hurts.
That's not something that will ever change. Yuuri knows this. Breaking will always hurt. How can it not? It's like his mind has caught fire and magma is slowly creeping it's way down his back and sides and he follows it to the ice and his arms are cold, but his face is warm, so warm as Viktor's breath laps at his neck and sends shivers down Yuuri's hot hot spine.
Viktor is here. Viktor is here and although Yuuri hates it he can't help but cling to him like a lifeline. And as Yuuri melts he feels Viktor melting with them. Their tears are mixed now. Their sobs have become one wail.
One person trying trying trying and nothing coming from it has suddenly become two.
Two people trying. Two people crying out and cursing at this monster that won't seem to leave them alone.
Two people who don't succeed. But damn do they try. They fucking try even though they know it's no use but who are they to break tradition? And in the end, as they're lying on the ice together, melting and breaking and revealing the messiest parts of themselves, they've lost and gained more and more and more than they could possibly imagine.
But they don't win.
Yuuri doesn't think they ever will, not really. Not in the way that people always want them too. People always want them to be better, to be different. But in this war of minds that Yuuri is all too familiar with, he knows that the game never ends. It will haunt him forever and ever and ever and he will continue to break and break and break but dammit he's done doing it alone.
So Yuuri lets himself melt. He lets himself melt with Viktor holding him. And when the deed is done, when Yuuri's become one with the ice beneath him, he sighs and folds into himself and they sit. They sit and sit until Yuuri's heart stills and his breathing steadies and the battle is over and it's time to rebuild.
Viktor kisses him. Gently. Quietly. And Yuuri feels the first part of his broken body come back together.