Deliberation
Chapter One
Word Count: 5,886
Rating: T, just to be safe
Warnings: None (just references to what's in canon)
Summary: She was not ready to let go of her memories of Orion or return to her own world. So she turned to another, needing more time.
Author's Note: This is mostly based off the anime, though it does include some things from the game (mainly the first one, I haven't played the others as I have yet to learn Japanese, but I did read summaries and included at least one thing from them.) Kent's route is my favorite, I adore his awkwardness, love his friendship with Ikki, and I was disappointed that Kent only got one episode in the anime when the others had at least two. The ending of the show kind of left things open to where she could have picked any path (but likely picked Ukyo's) and that everyone got some form of a happy end. That still wasn't enough for me, and while I tried really hard to resist writing fic, I couldn't help doing this. And it was supposed to be a one-shot with a single conversation, but it got bigger.
I just thought there was a lot the show had to leave out and even glossed over, and I've replayed the game since I started this for reference but there's still a lot, I think that wasn't addressed. That and my endless need for more Kent led to this, even if everything isn't quite... where it should be, blending the two canons as it does and lacking any further knowledge beyond them and a few summaries.
One
She started toward the door. The symbol above it was the right one, the one where she belonged and where she should be. She'd fought hard to get to this point, to fix it all and have her memories back. This was what she needed to do.
And then, just as she was about to walk through, she stopped. Her eyes went back to the symbols above the door. She took a breath, and then turned, darting toward another door instead. She looked up, biting her lip.
Of all the doors, of all the places, she felt sure that this one would offer her the greatest understanding. She knew that shouldn't be true, not if the one door was where she'd belonged, but at the same time, would that world be as open and willing to accept as the one she kept thinking of?
She gave the symbol another glance, hating herself for her doubts. Hadn't she believed enough to bring back the powers of a god? Why was she hesitating now?
She looked back at the other door. She could no longer see Orion waving at her. He had said his goodbyes. She had told him to speak to her if he ever saw her again, but she would not see him, would not remember.
Was she meant to forget all of this?
In some ways, that was for the best. And yet...
She glanced at the symbol above the door and nodded. This was it. This was the choice she had to make. It might be the wrong one, but any of the others would be the same if she could not answer the questions she had, the fears she couldn't escape. She didn't even know how to ask anyone else.
She would talk to Orion, but she no longer had him. She would never see him again. She would even forget that he existed. That thought was so hard to bear, and it didn't feel right. She didn't want to forget about Orion.
Except... there was one other person who remembered Orion.
And she stepped through his door.
"This situation is intolerable."
Kent leaned back in his chair, frustrated. He was supposed to be preparing for his presentation, but he could not keep his mind on his work. Every time he put his hands to the keyboard, his mind began to wander. Even the smallest of things reminded him of someone now long gone, and he would lose hours to pointless thoughts and ramblings. He had created theory after theory while neglecting his current experiments and made no progress on his presentation.
He should finish it. London would be a change of pace, a new environment that would allow him to forget about everything here, and it had been all he wanted before.
Before, research was enough. His intellectual pursuits kept him preoccupied, and as he'd assumed love to be mere chemical reaction, he had no need of it. That time could come or go without his care, and he would eventually find someone who was right genetically like his parents believed.
Except he had found someone and he did not know that genetics had anything to do with it.
He put his fingers to his glasses, pushing them up again. He should focus. He had a presentation to finish. Going to London could only benefit him at this point. The opportunity was a good one for him, and he needed to leave behind the places that reminded him too much of what was not to be.
He reached for his phone, taking it out to call Ikkyu. He would not make any progress today, but his friend's usual suggestion of drinks was more than appealing at the moment. He normally did not relish the loss of awareness and dulled senses, preferring to be acute in all respects, but he was not so inclined now.
He had just hit the button to open his contacts when the door opened.
He sighed. "Yes, you caught me off guard again, Ikkyu. I surrender and will pay for the drinks tonight."
He put his phone back in his pocket, surprised at Ikkyu's silence. Was the other man truly sympathetic this time? Why was there no laughter or enjoyment of the victory? Even a complaint about how Kent wasn't even trying would be more fitting under the circumstances. He knew the statement was accurate. He had let his guard down and could not summon the will to restore it. There seemed too little point, and perhaps even a part of him wanted someone who meant greater harm than Ikki ever could to come along and spare him the trouble of trying to go back to his life as it was.
"Um..."
Kent looked up to see the last person he expected in the doorway. The one he wanted to see most, of course, but also by any estimation he'd used not one who should be there at all.
She let go of the door handle, blushing slightly. "Can we talk?"
She watched him as he rose, bumping his desk and shaking half the stuff on it. Kent still didn't know his own strength, did he? That made her want to smile again, but she wasn't sure she could move, not even to do that. She still didn't know how the words had come out when she stood in his doorway. Kent was a little intimidating no matter what he did—his size and his mind saw to that—but now her doubts were getting louder in her head, and there was no Orion to chase them away.
She hadn't been ready to walk through that other door, but she may have made a mistake coming here. What if she ruined everything for him?
"You're here," he said, his voice hoarse, and she winced to think that the her of this world was still fighting with him even after he'd promised to be more open about how he felt. Was she really such a fool here to throw that away? Kent was a good guy who had listened to and supported her even though she wasn't who he thought she was. She'd been sorry to leave him, even without the scary things happening when she was with Toma.
"Kent—"
She didn't finish because he'd wrapped her in his arms, almost crushing her to him. He held on tight, and she sighed, not understanding why her other self could be this cruel to him when he had changed and become as open as he was.
Then he pulled back, looking horrified. "Forgive me. I—It was... I'm not usually prone to such displays, but I had thought..."
"You believed you lost me," she said. She'd seen similar looks before from some of the others, Ukyo in particular always held that sadness when his good side was in control. "I'm sorry."
"I admit my mind is now frantically doing calculations to determine the likelihood of this experience being a hallucination and questioning whether or not I am currently awake or even sane by any kind of measurable degree. It is... a bit of an unpleasant thought to have."
She nodded. "I can't do those calculations, but I... I wondered about it myself, if I was crazy. My memories were changing. I saw things that scared me out of context, things that didn't belong and others didn't understand—I can't forget the look you gave me in that first world when I asked you about the festival, though having been there with you and remembering you saying you... you said you didn't have any interest in festivals. You must have thought I was crazy to believe we'd gone to one."
"That also seems like a dream, our attendance there."
She gave him a weak smile, wishing she could do better than this to explain herself or ease his pain. "I think I would have gone insane if Orion hadn't been with me to help me through it."
Kent took a step back, and she frowned as he turned away from her. "Orion."
"Was I wrong?"
Kent looked back at her, his expression troubled. "About what, exactly?"
"I... I thought you'd remember him. That even if I started to forget like Orion said I would, that you'd still remember. You'd know everything about what I told you before when he was here." She sighed. She had made a mistake, choosing this world. She should have gone where she belonged.
"Oh," Kent said, and something about his voice made her lift her head again to face him. "It is not that I have forgotten anything you told me. In fact, it has very much preoccupied me these past few weeks. I could think of little else since I lost hold of your hand. It... I believe I have formulated a new hypothesis about what is happening here, but first... Tell me—you are the you that was experiencing shifts from one world to another, who lost her memories and restarted each world at the beginning of August. You had a spirit named Orion in your head who was responsible for your memory loss and was trying to help you find your way to your proper world and your memories."
She nodded. "Yes."
"And you said you were told you would forget Orion," Kent went on, starting to pace as he spoke. "Would it be too much, then, to believe you found that correct world?"
"I think I found what I was supposed to fix."
He stopped, turning back to her. "Fix?"
"This... I think this will take a while to explain," she said. She saw the look on his face and frowned. "What is it? Is something wrong?"
"It's not... wrong, per say. It is more that I have noticed you have regained some of your confidence. When we spoke before, you were hesitant. You were so quiet and removed from the girl I had known that it was obvious something had changed. I misinterpreted what that was at first, but even so, you were quite different the last time we spoke."
She smiled. "Am I?"
"Are you so surprised? You said you were able to fix what you needed to, didn't you?"
She nodded. The cycle of her and Ukyo meeting and dying in world after world was done. He would no longer chase her to see her again and end up killed or killing to survive. She had Orion, though, to tell her not to give up in that clock tower.
Kent frowned. "Something is bothering you, though. If this thing is fixed, why did you return here? This... As much as I might want to believe this is your true world, I am not an idiot. I know you do not belong here."
She lowered her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause you trouble."
She felt his hand on her head again, and she looked up at him. He gave her a smile, and she smiled back even as her eyes watered a little. A smile from Kent was a precious thing, and she hated that she was hurting him just by being here.
"I'm not so strong. So confident," she whispered, wishing she could do what she wanted most and cling to him. "I came... because I wasn't. Because I was afraid."
"Afraid?"
She could only nod, unable to say more. Her memories of the other worlds were strong and even painful, and she didn't know how to talk about them even if that was what she'd come here to do. That, and she didn't want to hurt him more by speaking of Ukyo and the world she was meant to be in.
He pulled her close, giving her just what she wanted as he held her. "I know that I am... difficult. I do not express myself well and tend to be curt and even rude. I find myself thinking I am the last person anyone should come to for emotional support. And yet I know I have been gifted something valuable by the fact that you are here, that you spoke to me before and told me everything when most people would believe I would only think you crazy and have you locked away. You trusted me then, and I want to believe you are trusting me again. When you are ready to tell me, I am ready to listen."
"What about your work? Aren't you... busy?"
"I should be," he said, and she looked up at him again. "I am behind on my presentation, and I should finish it if I hope to research abroad, but faced with the very thing that has been occupying my mind and keeping me from it... I would much rather hear what you have to say or even... No, forget that. Just... I have been unable to concentrate on work alone for some time now, and perhaps your words could fill in some of the pieces I have been missing to put to rest my theories and end my distraction."
"You think it would help if I talked?"
"Yes, it is my belief it might help us both. Please, tell me anything you are willing to share."
She took a breath, trying to summon the confidence he thought she had. "I want to tell you everything."
He blinked. "You do?"
She nodded. "In part... it won't make sense without it... but in part... I thought you would be able to understand more than anyone."
"I find that difficult to believe. What would lead you to that conclusion?"
"You find emotions confusing. You have tried to understand them, and that... that's not something others have done. Shin hides, covering up his feelings with anger to keep people from hurting him. Ikki became caught up in his condition and denied his real feelings. Toma's feelings led him to do extreme things. And Ukyo..." She knew that part was the most confusing of all. She shook her head. "Plus, you already knew about the parallel worlds and Orion. You were the only one to learn that much and you're so smart that—I thought even if I did make a mistake in coming here, you would be able to help me find a way back."
"I'm not so certain I'm that smart, though I have done more research into parallel worlds and the work currently being done to locate them after our previous conversation. I have more theories, of course, but the factor of a spirit being involved does make me question whether normal science would be of any use in this situation," Kent admitted. "Still... I do want to hear what you have to say, even if I worry you have made the wrong choice in coming to me."
She could only smile, more certain of her choice now than ever. Kent would do everything he could to help her, and he knew where to look for research as well. The only other person who might have had similar knowledge was Ikki, but she wasn't sure that he would understand all of it, and as sensitive as he was, she knew her doubts would hurt him deeply, as they would Ukyo or any of the others. It wasn't that she thought that Kent wasn't hurting, just that he was more logical about things and would be able to see more of the larger picture as he had before, even when he'd been upset to learn she wasn't the girl he loved.
"I want to tell you everything," she repeated. "Though... I know it won't be easy to hear."
"Your trust and belief in me... pleases me more than I can find words to say. I know that I am inadequate to your needs, and yet you still turned to me," Kent said, smiling at her. "I cannot promise I will be all you're expecting of me, but if you want to... if you will, then tell me."
And she did, from beginning to end, even the parts she'd left out before, including details that made her blush or shudder with fear. She felt strange, admitting to her interactions with the other men, but she had come here because of those feelings, those moments. She needed help, but how could she ask for it without telling him why?
He sat still, quiet, and she was afraid she'd said too much, gone too far and hurt him or made him angry. He still wasn't easy to read, though she knew him better now, and she knew that at least part of her story had hurt him.
She missed Orion more than ever, wishing she could talk to him again, to know if she'd made a horrible mistake, but then if she had him with her, would she have even made this choice?
She didn't know.
She almost hated herself for it. She shouldn't have come, shouldn't have put this burden on Kent. It was hers and hers alone.
"I'm sorry."
Kent blinked, looking up and over to her on the other chair. While her appearance was still more or less collected, hat and bag sitting next to her, hair in place and not wildly askew even after he'd rubbed her head, she seemed distressed.
"Yet again you are apologizing when you have done nothing wrong," he said, frowning, and she stared at him, eyes wide. He supposed he'd let too much of his feelings show then, to upset her so much. That, or he had taken too long thinking things over, which he also knew was a bad habit of his. "You are merely telling me what happened. It is not my place to judge or be angry about anything that you have done."
She frowned. "Then... it doesn't bother you? You aren't... I mean, I spoke about other men. About being... with them. I kissed them. I... Ukyo called himself my true love. None of that... upsets you?"
Kent tensed. He wanted to look away from her, ashamed of his reaction. He'd been processing everything she said as she went along, adding to his hypotheses and theories. The information was fascinating in its way, adding dimension to the facts he already knew, and yet she was not wrong. Some of what she said was more than just difficult to hear. He'd wanted to react in ways highly unlike him—violent, angry outbursts or even extreme sadness to the point of tears or worse—and he couldn't say now why he hadn't. A part of him was numb, the rest of him was a bit frantic, and yet some part of his mind remained focused on unraveling the true nature of this problem.
Logic remained rather a comfort at this particular time.
"Kent?"
He sighed. "It would be dishonest of me to say that I did not have a reaction to your words. Having experienced this already, I know it to be jealousy, even if it is not my place to be jealous. My feelings for you remain unchanged, and I am not... I cannot pretend it does not... hurt."
"I'm sorry," she repeated, and he watched as she rose, crossing over to his seat. She sat down next to him, reaching over to touch his hand. "I didn't... I never wanted to hurt you. That wasn't why I came to you."
He stared at her fingers, both pleased and unsettled by her boldness. Her consideration was something he had admired about her all along, even if he did not understand it himself. In fact, that compassion she showed was part of what had peaked his original interest in her, though it was strange to think about now.
He lifted his eyes, forcing them back to her face. "If I understand correctly, you came to me because you are conflicted. You fear the loss of the current memories you have, particularly those of your companion Orion. You wish to hold onto those memories, but you are afraid of holding others at the same time."
She nodded. "Ukyo told me that... he changed because he died so many times and the pain of those deaths... he couldn't bear it. And I... remember dying. What if that happens to me?"
He moved his thumb over her hand. "I admit that I have no foundation for saying this, no proof of this particular conviction, but then I don't suppose there would be, for it seems something more based on... faith than facts. It is... a strange thing for me to say or even think as I have always prided myself on being logical. Still, I do not believe you are that kind of person where something like that could ever change you so much."
She winced. "I suppose that's part of what I'm afraid of."
Kent nodded. He hadn't missed that, either. "You fear that for Ukyo to have altered in that manner there was some part of him that possessed that capacity for cruelty and violence. They do say that under the right circumstances anyone is capable of killing, though, so it cannot be entirely discounted as much as I would like to reassure you on that point. I cannot guarantee that no harm would come to you if you had gone through that door. In fact... I feel uneasy about it even now. It would be difficult—almost impossible—to let you go there knowing what I know now."
"And yet... you'd let me go?"
"If it was what you truly wanted, it is not my place to keep you here. I could not do that, even if it is what I would desire most," he said. As much as he hated the idea of losing her, he would let her go. He had to. She was a woman with her own mind, and it was not for him to make any choices for her or deny her the ability to choose. That was not right no matter what he felt or how smart he might be.
"I thought so," she said. "I know... Toma wouldn't. Not from what I experienced in his world. And Ukyo... he was so desperate to keep hold of me in any way that he traveled to other worlds to see me. Shin was all about... being tough... so he might not have stopped me. Ikki... I don't think he'd stop me but I'd be more worried about what he might be like without me after hearing him drunk that time."
"Ikkyu has a flair for dramatics, though you are already aware of this, having witnessed our interactions," Kent agreed. "And if it is true that the girls are leaving him and it is part of a larger conspiracy on the part of his fan club, that should be made known to him so the cycle can be broken. As different as we are, he has been... a friend. I do not have many of those. I am difficult and disliked by many. He is popular, but those relationships are superficial."
"You are his true friend, though," she said, smiling at Kent. "I know you matter to him, as he does to you."
Kent frowned. "I am not so certain—"
"I saw it in more than one world, that you two were close. I think... that bond is important," she told him, giving his hand a squeeze. "It makes me wish... that you'd both be happy."
"You are kind. Perhaps... too kind."
She frowned. "What is that supposed to mean?"
He sighed, rising from his seat. "Your other reason for coming to me over choosing the place you were 'meant' to be. It is not just the idea of losing Orion holding you back or your fear of a dangerous personality emerging. You were driven by another fear as well."
"What?"
"Am I wrong?" Kent asked, wondering if he'd misunderstood the implications he'd read into her words. "I admit I'm not the best with emotions, but from what you've said... I think you are also concerned about your own feelings. Ukyo claims to be your true love, but you doubt this, don't you?"
"I..."
Kent grimaced. "I'm sorry. I was unclear. You do not doubt the sincerity of the part of him that loves you. You forgave his prior actions, including when he killed you. I admit that gives me no pleasure to say. It is a dangerous precedent to forgive someone so much."
She looked at her hands. "I believe he is a good person."
"He started out that way, at least, and I can understand how losing you would... drive a man to desperate acts," Kent admitted, though he did not want to speak about the time when she was gone or what he would do when she left again. "You already gambled on that in the clock tower and won, saving yourself and restoring the power of a god. It is yourself you doubt, and I am not referring to the same fear as we spoke of earlier, either."
Her head jerked up, and she stared at him again. "What?"
"You spoke openly of what you experienced in each world you visited, all of the relationships you were a part of, and even someone as insensitive as me can tell that you care about all of the men you were involved with."
She lowered her head again. "I... yes."
"Would I be incorrect in stating that you worry you do not love this Ukyo enough because of how you felt in the other worlds?"
She shook her head. "No. You're not wrong. I... I had only a few memories to go on, but I learned in each world how to... to love. I felt something the first time I met Ukyo, but... I felt things in the other worlds as well. And if I did, does that mean that... Was any of that real? Was it... love? If Ukyo is my true love... how could I feel something for someone else? Was any of it genuine, or did I just fool myself into thinking I felt more because of my lost memories?"
She hated herself for asking that of Kent, as he was one of the men she'd met in these other worlds, one who had listened to her and believed her, supported her in ways that the others hadn't, though in all fairness most of them knew nothing of Orion.
A part of her still feared that had Toma known he really would have locked her up, and she didn't want that. Shin would have had some sharp words to say about it as well, if he believed her at all, though he did know her well enough to know something was wrong and probably saw it. He wasn't the only one. Everyone knew there was something wrong. She'd been too unsure of Ikki to trust him with the truth, though she probably could have. Still, even when Kent wasn't romantically involved with her, he'd recognized her preoccupation and been tolerant of her talking to herself.
As for Ukyo... She didn't know if he knew about any of this. Supposedly, Orion had been looking for her when the accident happened that connected them. When she thought about Ukyo chasing her through the other worlds and causing all of this in the first place, she sometimes wondered if that was not more of a mistake. Not that she regretted meeting Orion or her time in the other worlds, but should she even know about them?
If she'd gone back to her proper world, would she already have forgotten them?
Kent folded his arms over his chest. "I fear you have come to the wrong person to ask about the emotional component, however... I must admit I see some flaws in the suppositions that Ukyo made regarding the other worlds."
"What?"
"It's actually quite simple, really," Kent said. "If you think about it in terms of logic and probability, the same basic concept of flipping a coin, then what holds true there is true of other larger things. And it bothers me that he found only worlds where you existed and he did not. He claimed those worlds chose to rid themselves of the anomaly that he was, which is somewhat of a reasonable expectation, and yet... why were there no worlds where he existed and you did not? From what I know of your family situation, it seems more likely that it would be the opposite."
She frowned. "I don't actually remember that."
Kent grimaced. "Forgive me. It's just that you... Your father was in some ways like Ikkyu, involved with several women. He and your mother were not together long, and he is the reason why your family is now distant from you. It just seems as though such a case might be more likely to result in you not existing at all, though... I know nothing of Ukyo's family. He and I have never met to my knowledge."
"Oh. Right. You don't work in the cafe here."
"I do find it difficult to believe myself that I did work there, as I cannot cook at all and am completely unsuited for customer service," Kent said with a slight smile. "At any rate, it is not my profession at issue or even my knowledge of this other man. The problem is the flaw in the overall premise."
"Could it have been only the wish he made? He wanted to see me again, so he'd only go to worlds where I existed, right?"
"That could explain part of it."
She studied Kent for a moment. She kept on hurting him, didn't she? Why was she even pushing this? She should never have asked him about any of it. "Are you... angry?"
Kent took a deep breath, turning away to walk to the window. He looked out at the darkening night and sighed. "I told you I understand how losing you could make someone... desperate."
"Yes, but that doesn't mean you're not... upset."
"I am. I suppose I might lose my own capacity to be rational if I were in a similar position, but the amount of damage that one man did to multiple timelines and worlds all to see you again—no, I'm afraid even with my ability to sympathize with his position, I find his behavior unacceptable." Kent put his hand against the window. "I cannot speak for what I would do if you had died and I were given the chance to see you again, but if that was his whole desire, then he did not have to stay long enough for his presence as an anomaly to matter. If he'd been willing to go back again, then none of this would have happened."
"You think... he was too selfish?"
"Yes." Kent sighed. "I suppose it seems romantic, him defying everything set against him to find you again. He made a wish and it came true. That alone is against the odds. Still, when I think about the damage he did to those other worlds and everyone in them... He didn't just affect himself or you or even everyone who knows and cares about you. He ruined the powers of a god and corrupted space and time all out of his own greed, and I cannot see the romance in that. Only suffering."
She had not thought about it that way, but she did now. Just how much damage had Ukyo done? Was that actually undone by her intervention at the clock tower? Or would it hold forever? What about the worlds where she was killed? What about her parents? Maybe she wasn't close to them and didn't have the same kind of friendships she knew with Sawa and Mine, but people would still mourn her. They would have been hurt.
"I must seem heartless to you. That I would... condemn his choice and not make the same one myself."
She looked back at Kent. "No. I think... it's very like you to consider all the angles and possibilities. You don't do much without thinking it through first. You're very careful. Maybe too careful sometimes, but I never felt... unsafe with you."
"Even when I touched your hair in a way that hurt?" Kent shook his head. "No. You looked at me with something close to fear more than once."
"Not because I thought you'd hurt me. I thought I'd made you angry. And I thought once you knew my secret you'd force me into the hospital. Orion said I wouldn't get better there, so I was afraid to go. And I did feel worse when I was there for tests with Toma." She rose, knowing she would need more than a few words to reach him, especially after telling him about Ukyo. "Kent, I chose to come to you over the world that was supposed to be ideal for me because I... trust you. I wanted your help to be sure I wasn't just choosing the easy path but the right one, not just for me but for everyone. For all the worlds."
"You're not responsible for them."
"That's not what you said about Ukyo."
Kent turned toward her. "The situation is also different. You going back to your world was to set things back as they're meant to be, wasn't it?"
"Is it? If I go back and lose my memory of this time, then... what happens if something else happens to me and I die? Would Ukyo make the same wish? Or... what if I don't lose my memories? Will that make it right? Ukyo couldn't live with his guilt. He should forget, but if he does... he won't learn anything from any of it. And I learned so much, but then... I... What if I couldn't be faithful to Ukyo because I'd already felt something for everyone else along the way? What if... I don't love him enough... but I feel like I have to stay with him because of all of this?"
She swallowed, realizing she'd voiced the worst of her worries. What if her feelings weren't real enough? She'd loved every one of them when it was their turn, hadn't she? And what if now she was afraid of what Ukyo would do or be like if she left him?
Shin had pressured her to define their relationship even when she had no memory. Ikki flirted constantly and wanted her love so badly she almost felt like she couldn't refuse him as well after learning the truth of his state. Toma had locked her up to protect her and keep her away from everyone. Ukyo had traveled worlds just to see her again and killed her when she was happy with someone else. Kent was the only one she really trusted would not push her about their relationship and give her the time she needed to be sure of how she felt.
"I know this isn't fair of me, Kent. I shouldn't ask you this, I shouldn't have come here, but... I didn't feel right going anywhere else. You... You listened before. You believed me. And you never pressured me, even if you wanted to. I trust you."
He touched his hand to her cheek. "Then I shall endeavor to be worthy of that trust."