Long time no see, no? Enjoy this Pepper Ann fanfic!
*
The Madness That Is Talent
(We are near a small lonely tropical island. A flock of birds flies over a
lovely waterfall. A bunch of crabs skitter down the beach toward the surf.)
(We then see Nicky, in sandy clothes and her hair is in a ponytail. She's
floating on a raft made of life-jackets and sticks; a crudely built fishing
pole in her hand. She tosses the line into the ocean.)
Nicky: We ran out of food on the first day; some thing raided our supplies
that night. My hypothesis is simple: If I'm the only person bringing in the
real food for the group then I have a good chance of winning.
(We then see Lamar sitting on a rock wringing water out of some shirts.
He is wearing a smock and sandy shorts.)
Lamar: I'm very surprised that I have made it this far in the game; and with
the craziest people too. Its not the little stuff that annoys me like Milo
always bringing iguanas to camp; but Pepper Ann has done some REALLY
unforgivable stunts.
(We go to a flashback as Lamar is returning with some water, he gasps with horror
as he sees Pepper Ann calmly roasting ONE marshmallow over a fire - with their
fishing dingy as firewood.)
Lamar: Pepper Ann! For the love of Fuzzy, what are you doing?!
Pepper Ann (calm) : Nicky told me that when Cortez landed on the New World he
burned his ships to encourage his men. I'd figure this would get us in good spirits.
(We then switch to Milo, his clothes in mild tatters and we see he is wearing a
bulky necklace, he's watching the tide slowly come in.)
Milo: Nicky and P.A have history. It's pretty obvious where their loyalties are.
But I won the immunity challenge and we all know who has to go for the sake of
the group.
(We then go to Dieter, in weathered clothes and a missing lense from his sunglasses,
standing near one of the handmade shelters.)
Dieter (in an apologetic tone) : In a moment of weakness, I ate all the supplies
on the first night we arrived on the island.
(We cut to P.A stalking through the jungle, a wooden spear in her hand and black
mud on her face in cool war paint designs.)
Pepper Ann: They said I was insane when I told the group I would track down the
thing that stole our food. ""Ooh don't go crazy like Captain Ahab"," Nicky would
nag to me. But hey, I have to do something cool on this island that will score me
some votes so I can stay in this game longer.
(Cut to a new scene: We go to a close up of a torch being extinguished by a
wooden douse.)
Annoying Host: The tribe has spoken!
(We back up to see that the one just booted off is Principal Hickey. He gives
a nasty glare at Pepper Ann.)
Principal Hickey: This is an educational retreat Pearson! You can't vote me off!
Pepper Ann: You heard what the overly perky host said; the tribe has spoken Hickey!
Don't worry, we'll be sure to burn whatever belongings you've left behind at camp.
(We waver to Principal Hickey's Office. Its obvious he is waking from a dream.
He mumbles and twitches on his drool ridden desk.)
Principal Hickey (half asleep) : No..N...No... the next..reward challenge was a
date with..... Rudy.... ( he sobs a bit.)
(Vera is watching his pathetic performance, arms folded. She then slams a small
square of paper in front of him. He fully awakens.)
Vera (unimpressed) : Sign my time card.
Hickey: Why have I become such a mess Vera? (He signs the card.) I've been
in schools for so many years, why is it that I've been scorned with such
a burdensome thorn?
Vera: You mean that Pearson girl, right?
Hickey: Yes I mean that Pearson girl! She is as incorrigible as a criminal!
You wouldn't believe what shenanigans she caused today!
(We go into the past, to Ms. Blader's class. Pepper Ann storms to the
desk and shows some of her art in front of Ms. Blader.)
Pepper Ann (clearly miffed) : How come I got a C minus on my project?
This is some of the best stuff I have ever done!
Ms. Blader: It was a ten item project. You only made six out of the
ten you were supposed to do.
Pepper Ann: Haven't you ever heard of the notion that "less is more"?
Ms. Blader (after a brief pause) : Good point. Let me give you more.
(She changes the C minus to a B plus on P.A's evaluation sheet. Hickey is
staring through the glass pane of the door watching the scene.)
Hickey (seething) : The nerve....
(We cut to outside during a co-ed gym class. The class seems to be waiting
for a a man to finish cutting a rather jungle ridden school field. He is going
at a snail's pace on the riding mower. Coach Doogan is unimpressed.)
Coach Doogan (grr..) : Intelligence is obsolete in the human race...
(We then pan toward the school roof. The scene suddenly morphs into the sea.
Two battleships are in view. We see that Pepper Ann is on one of them, in cool
captain attire, perched on the nose of her ship. She speaks in a walky-talky.
A diagonal split screen appears; P.A in one and Nicky in the other. Nicky
is navigating the ship.)
Pepper Ann: Nicky! Slow the Righteous Beast to two knots! We won't let Alice Kane
get away yet! Don't worry, I know what to do.
Nicky: Right!
(Nicky exits with a "click". We go to a single screen as Nicky signs off.)
Pepper Ann: So she thinks she can get away? Well...
(A click is heard as P.A changes frequencies and the screen splits again, with
Dieter in one screen and P.A in the other. Dieter is in a type of control room....
with lots of buttons..yea..)
Pepper Ann: Dieter! Fire the laser cannon!
Dieter (Determined) : Ja!
(We cut to a close up of P.A's battle ship executing a cool, big, mean, shiny
laser beam. A huge explosion of water splooshes loudly.)
(Cut to reality as a soccer ball bounces noisily past a bored Alice Kane.
Startled, she looks around quickly to see where the source of the noise came from.)
(We return to the fantasy as it appears the laser cannon just shot at the ocean
five hundred meteres from the other battleship. Two large arrows point at both
the rival ship and the huge splurge of water caused by the laser.
Text appears above the scene: Not Even Close!)
(We cut to the split screen of P.A and Dieter.)
Pepper Ann (angry) : At her ship! At her ship!
Dieter (angry as well) : Well, you should have said!
Hickey's Voice: Pearson!
(Reality returns as Hickey sees P.A and the others on the school roof.)
Hickey (peeved) : Get down here this minute!
(Milo suddenly pops into view on the roof. He has a suspicious sack in his hand.)
Milo: Don't worry Captain! I'll send our skeleton crew to swim and take over the
enemy's ship!
(He dumps the sack, a crew of skeletons fall toward a shocked Hickey. I mean,
hey, he sees the skeletons as well! Strong imagination or what?)
Skeletons (cackling) : Nya ha ha!!
Hickey: *Insert choked, girl-like yelp of horror here*
(The "skeletons" turn out to be field hockey sticks. Hickey is completely buried.
P.A and co. peer over the roof.)
Milo (somewhat disappointed) : Hmm, they sunk. Makes sense, they're just heavy bones...
Nicky: I was tired of looking at skeletons anyway.
(Hickey struggles out of the mess. And is about to ream out to the kids on the
roof when Doogan interrupts.)
Coach Doogan: Yes! Now that's improvising! See class? We can still have our gym
time! Everyone on the roof! We can play a few games of dodge ball!
(Everyone excitingly climbs the roof to join P.A and the others. P.A, somewhat
amazed she didn't get in trouble, smiles and tosses a ball to Couch Doogan.
Hickey snarls softly to himself and kicks some of the field hockey sticks.)
(We then switch scenes to a school assembly. Every kid is writing down on a
piece of paper. Hickey is walking up and down the aisles.)
Hickey: Now, just write everything you can that you feel that is important on these
teacher and principal evaluation sheets. Of course all of these are confidential.
Wayne Mcabe: Hey, wait a minute! If these are confidential how come there's a
line that says "Full Name"?
Hickey: That's, uh, so we know which line NOT to look at.
(We pan to P.A who is now on the principal evaluation. She is writing away on
her opinions of Hickey.)
- Grades unfairly as a substitute teacher.
- Harasses and threatens students constantly.
- Probably hates puppies.
(P.A giggles as she writes the third line. Hickey is behind her reading what
she has written; closed fists on his hips.)
Hickey (annoyed): Hey, I do not! Don't write that!
Pepper Ann (annoyed, as well): Tell you what, I'll make you a deal:
Stop hounding me and making me look like some demon child to the whole town
and I won't be so truthful on this evaluation.
Hickey: And?
Pepper Ann: That's it.
Hickey: That's not a deal! That's me giving you a good thing for nothing!
(He leaves P.A alone. P.A frowns and quickly scrawls a final
comment.)
- Refuses to compromise on student complaints.
(We return to the office. Vera isn't pleased with Hickey's silly whining.)
Vera: Take a walk, Hickey. I doubt a twelve year old girl would
see to it that your life becomes a living garbage hole.
(The scene pauses as if on a VCR. Pink Eye Pete steps out in front of the scene.
He gives a wave.)
Pink Eye Pete: Hi everyone! Extensive market testing and research has revealed that
you don't want to see red headed heroines or the dreams of evil, whiny principals;
you want to see me and my clever and original screenplays!
(A white background with text written in red crayon appears: The Legend of Axe Boy!)
Pink Eye Pete's voice over: The Legend of Axe Boy!
(We go to a nice orange sunset, a person is looking at it with admiration.
The person turns out to be Milo, who is holding an axe in each hand.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice over: This is the Legend of Axe Boy...
(Milo continues to stare at the sunset. A smile forms on his face.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: We all know he was born with axes with hands, but what drives
him to live with normal people with hands for hands?
(We change scenes to the inside of a log cabin. Lamar and Crying Girl are sitting on
some chairs. Lamar is dressed in a white suit and Crying Girl is in a green dress.
Milo gives a wave with one of his axes to them as he enters the room. A small Pink
Eye Pete pops up and floats above them.)
Pink Eye Pete: Why his loving parents, Ma and Pa, of course!
Lamar (in a bit of a southern U.S accent) : Now son, normal folk
ain't gonna take to you much, but don't hold it against 'em.
Crying Girl (same): Yep, don't chop their heads off if you can help it!
Pink Eye Pete: But one day...
(Pink Eye Pete "poofs" away as the background changes; Milo approaches a log cabin.
In the front yard there are two gravestones; signed Ma and Pa.)
Milo (in shocked grief) : No! Ma! Pa! The village folk must have killed them while
I was out cutting wood!
(Milo slumps on his knees. The mini Pink Eye Pete pops up above Milo's head.)
Pink Eye Pete (gung ho) : And so Axe Boy vowed to seek and destroy the xenophobic,
hateful, normal people society!
Milo (yelling with emotion) : I'll avenge you!
(He runs off.)
Pink Eye Pete (happily) : Even though he only got lost and gone to the
wrong cabin.
(A crudely drawn map appears. Milo simply went to the house NEXT doorto his parents'
house. Pink Eye Pete points to the map.)
Pink Eye Pete: See?
(We cut to Lamar and Crying Girl looking puzzled.)
Lamar: Hey, where's Axe Boy?
Crying Girl: I don't know.
(Milo is running through the forest.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: On his way to his destiny, Axe Boy met the great father,
Augustine Washington.
(Noah steps out in his Augustine Washington get-up.)
Noah (accusing) : Hey you! Did you chop down my cherry tree?
Milo: I cannot tell a lie. (he shows his axes.) I have axes for hands.
Noah: That's not what I axed you!
Pink Eye Pete's Voice (laughs) : Its a pun! See? See?
Milo (defensive) : Are you calling me a liar?
(He chases Noah, who is yelping in horror.)
Milo: As a matter of fact, I did cut down your stupid tree!
(We switch scenes again to an apartment room. Milo is standing, pondering of
what to do.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: Seeking revenge, Axe Boy has taken up residence
in a middle class apartment.
(We cut to the hallway outside of Milo's room.Nicky enters, she is holding a
chainsaw in each hand, she knocks the door with one of them.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: His neighbor, a girl with chainsaws for hands, has
agreed to aid him in his plan to overthrow the society of people with hands.
(Milo approaches the door.)
Milo: What are you knocking for? I can't open it either. Just saw it down like
you always do.
Nicky: But the landlord hates that!
Milo: Fine. Go get him!
(A man opens the door for Nicky. He shuts it behind him as he leaves. Milo and Nicky
seat themselves in some chairs. They start up a conversation.)
Milo: The first step is to destroy the people's trust in society.
Nicky: Of course!
Pink Eye Pete's voice: When suddenly...!
(Pepper Ann bursts through the door, dressed in a gray suit and a fake moustache.)
Pepper Ann: Nya ha ha! I'm the villain Ten Fingers! I came to put an end to
your revolution!
Nicky (gasps) : Where we have no hands, he has an abundance! No doubt he is our
worst enemy!
Pepper Ann (tauntingly) : But then I thought, "Why bother? They can't do anything,
they don't have hands!" (She laughs evilly.) I mean,you can't even open a door!
(she laughs again.)
Milo: Hey! You broke the door down just like we do nearly all the time!
You can't brag!
Pepper Ann: I mean, how do you even get your clothes on? (her tone becomes confused.)
And what was with that bit with George Washington's dad?
Nicky: That's enough!
(Nicky confronts P.A with her chainsaws a' buzzing.)
Nicky: You think you can just waltz in here and make fun of us?
Well, I'll teach you otherwise, with these chainsaws!
Pepper Ann: Heh, you wanna attack me, huh? You don't know how
wealthy I am; but you'll soon see!
(P.A shows off sparkly rings on all her fingers. A blinding flash
comes from the rings.)
Nicky: Ah! The diamonds! They are so bright!
(Nicky slumps down.)
Pepper Ann: With my hands, billionaire status was easy to achieve! The first thing
I bought were ten diamond rings then a full set of diamond teeth!
(Milo approaches Nicky.)
Milo: Chainsaw Girl! Hang in there!
Nicky: Be careful, he is really rich.
Pepper Ann: Hey, are you even listening to me?
Milo: Curse you! Don't expect your wealth to save you from me!
Pepper Ann: What? It's not like I killed her or anything.
(They square off.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: With Chainsaw Girl defeated an enraged Axe Boy leaps into
the fray.
(Milo slashes at P.A. The diamond rings scatter as its obvious
P.A just shook them free from her hands.)
Milo: Ha! You've lost your diamonds!
Pepper Ann: So? That's just chump change to Ten Fingers!
Milo: Even if I can't inflict fiscal damage I can still do physical damage!
Pepper Ann (rolls her eyes) : Oh for, that was a really stupid pun!
(He swings both his axes downward at P.A. She catches them easily.)
Pepper Ann: Heh, your double axe attack is no threat to me! Why don't you go home
and drink some milk?
Milo (super annoyed) : I AM home!
Pepper Ann (sneers): Ha! This is so easy it's almost not fun!
(P.A lifts one of her legs and kicks Milo away. Milo and Nicky are in collapsed,
defeated positions.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: What horror! Chainsaw Girl was beaten by Ten Fingers'
diamonds and Axe Boy fell victim to his amazing martial arts! Is there nothing our
heroes can do?
Pepper Ann (confident) : Hell no! I'm unstoppable! (she laughs with alotta evil.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: Our heroes lie in shameful defeat, all hope seems lost.
When suddenly...!
(Dieter leaps into the scene, he is holding both an axe and a chainsaw.
He confronts P.A.)
Dieter: Gaarooooooow!!
Pink Eye Pete's Voice: Why, its the love child of Axe Boy and Chainsaw Girl;
back to defend his parents!
Pepper Ann (befuddled. [who wouldn't be?]) : What? Haven't they just met?
How could they have a kid? (She points to Dieter.) Much less a thirteen year old!
Dieter: Gaooooooooooo!
Pepper Ann (yelling with frustration) : And why is he making monster noises?!
(She turns away from Dieter. She removes her fake moustache.)
Pepper Ann (mad) : This is getting stupid! I quit!
Dieter: Rar!
Pink Eye Pete's Voice: In an instant Chainsaw-And-Axe Kid defeated Ten Fingers!
His reign of terror is at an end!
(Pepper Ann pokes half her body out.)
Pepper Ann (even angrier): Hey, I didn't lose! I quit! (She stomps away again.)
(A calm street appears as the new scene. The mini Pink Eye Pete pops up.)
Pink Eye Pete (a tad overexcited) : Together the family trio continues to
overthrow the soulless society of people with hands!
(P.A returns, she swats at Pink Eye Pete but misses. He hovers above her reach.)
Pepper Ann: Ok, I know I said I quit but I wanted to come back and explain why
this is stupid! First, how could Axe Boy get axes for hands in the first place?
His parents don't have any sharp weapons for appendages! That scene with George
Washington's dad was really unnecessary and dumb as well! Another thing is how did
Chainsaw Girl get those chainsaws started? And what prevented them from running out
of gas? And those puns were really lame and stupid!
(The mini Pink Eye Pete hovers to P.A's eye level.)
Pink Eye Pete: Oh, your just mad because you lost a fight to Dieter!
Pepper Ann (enraged) : Next is the narrator; who pisses me off!
(She produces a net and swats it at Pink Eye Pete and nearly captures him.)
Pink Eye Pete: Gah!
(Pepper Ann gives chase.)
Pepper Ann: We're going back to a normal plot for the next story! None of this
messed up junk that came from your head! You've ruined a decent beginning to what
could have been a reasonable story!
(Pink Eye Pete hovers above the reach of P.A.)
Pink Eye Pete: But its what the people want! They want to see me and my awesome
cinematography; research studies have proven it!
Pepper Ann (non-believing) : What?! How can you lie like that?!
Pink Eye Pete: You'll be sorry when the people abandon you for my genius and talent,
you heartless virago!
Pepper Ann: I don't know what you just called me but I guarantee you now have a
date with an entomologist!
(She produces a jar of formaldehyde and proceeds to try and capture Pink Eye Pete.
They begin to disappear as they move farther and farther away.)
Pink Eye Pete's Voice: There's no appreciation for the ingenious soul that is I!
End
*
The Madness That Is Talent
(We are near a small lonely tropical island. A flock of birds flies over a
lovely waterfall. A bunch of crabs skitter down the beach toward the surf.)
(We then see Nicky, in sandy clothes and her hair is in a ponytail. She's
floating on a raft made of life-jackets and sticks; a crudely built fishing
pole in her hand. She tosses the line into the ocean.)
Nicky: We ran out of food on the first day; some thing raided our supplies
that night. My hypothesis is simple: If I'm the only person bringing in the
real food for the group then I have a good chance of winning.
(We then see Lamar sitting on a rock wringing water out of some shirts.
He is wearing a smock and sandy shorts.)
Lamar: I'm very surprised that I have made it this far in the game; and with
the craziest people too. Its not the little stuff that annoys me like Milo
always bringing iguanas to camp; but Pepper Ann has done some REALLY
unforgivable stunts.
(We go to a flashback as Lamar is returning with some water, he gasps with horror
as he sees Pepper Ann calmly roasting ONE marshmallow over a fire - with their
fishing dingy as firewood.)
Lamar: Pepper Ann! For the love of Fuzzy, what are you doing?!
Pepper Ann (calm) : Nicky told me that when Cortez landed on the New World he
burned his ships to encourage his men. I'd figure this would get us in good spirits.
(We then switch to Milo, his clothes in mild tatters and we see he is wearing a
bulky necklace, he's watching the tide slowly come in.)
Milo: Nicky and P.A have history. It's pretty obvious where their loyalties are.
But I won the immunity challenge and we all know who has to go for the sake of
the group.
(We then go to Dieter, in weathered clothes and a missing lense from his sunglasses,
standing near one of the handmade shelters.)
Dieter (in an apologetic tone) : In a moment of weakness, I ate all the supplies
on the first night we arrived on the island.
(We cut to P.A stalking through the jungle, a wooden spear in her hand and black
mud on her face in cool war paint designs.)
Pepper Ann: They said I was insane when I told the group I would track down the
thing that stole our food. ""Ooh don't go crazy like Captain Ahab"," Nicky would
nag to me. But hey, I have to do something cool on this island that will score me
some votes so I can stay in this game longer.
(Cut to a new scene: We go to a close up of a torch being extinguished by a
wooden douse.)
Annoying Host: The tribe has spoken!
(We back up to see that the one just booted off is Principal Hickey. He gives
a nasty glare at Pepper Ann.)
Principal Hickey: This is an educational retreat Pearson! You can't vote me off!
Pepper Ann: You heard what the overly perky host said; the tribe has spoken Hickey!
Don't worry, we'll be sure to burn whatever belongings you've left behind at camp.
(We waver to Principal Hickey's Office. Its obvious he is waking from a dream.
He mumbles and twitches on his drool ridden desk.)
Principal Hickey (half asleep) : No..N...No... the next..reward challenge was a
date with..... Rudy.... ( he sobs a bit.)
(Vera is watching his pathetic performance, arms folded. She then slams a small
square of paper in front of him. He fully awakens.)
Vera (unimpressed) : Sign my time card.
Hickey: Why have I become such a mess Vera? (He signs the card.) I've been
in schools for so many years, why is it that I've been scorned with such
a burdensome thorn?
Vera: You mean that Pearson girl, right?
Hickey: Yes I mean that Pearson girl! She is as incorrigible as a criminal!
You wouldn't believe what shenanigans she caused today!
(We go into the past, to Ms. Blader's class. Pepper Ann storms to the
desk and shows some of her art in front of Ms. Blader.)
Pepper Ann (clearly miffed) : How come I got a C minus on my project?
This is some of the best stuff I have ever done!
Ms. Blader: It was a ten item project. You only made six out of the
ten you were supposed to do.
Pepper Ann: Haven't you ever heard of the notion that "less is more"?
Ms. Blader (after a brief pause) : Good point. Let me give you more.
(She changes the C minus to a B plus on P.A's evaluation sheet. Hickey is
staring through the glass pane of the door watching the scene.)
Hickey (seething) : The nerve....
(We cut to outside during a co-ed gym class. The class seems to be waiting
for a a man to finish cutting a rather jungle ridden school field. He is going
at a snail's pace on the riding mower. Coach Doogan is unimpressed.)
Coach Doogan (grr..) : Intelligence is obsolete in the human race...
(We then pan toward the school roof. The scene suddenly morphs into the sea.
Two battleships are in view. We see that Pepper Ann is on one of them, in cool
captain attire, perched on the nose of her ship. She speaks in a walky-talky.
A diagonal split screen appears; P.A in one and Nicky in the other. Nicky
is navigating the ship.)
Pepper Ann: Nicky! Slow the Righteous Beast to two knots! We won't let Alice Kane
get away yet! Don't worry, I know what to do.
Nicky: Right!
(Nicky exits with a "click". We go to a single screen as Nicky signs off.)
Pepper Ann: So she thinks she can get away? Well...
(A click is heard as P.A changes frequencies and the screen splits again, with
Dieter in one screen and P.A in the other. Dieter is in a type of control room....
with lots of buttons..yea..)
Pepper Ann: Dieter! Fire the laser cannon!
Dieter (Determined) : Ja!
(We cut to a close up of P.A's battle ship executing a cool, big, mean, shiny
laser beam. A huge explosion of water splooshes loudly.)
(Cut to reality as a soccer ball bounces noisily past a bored Alice Kane.
Startled, she looks around quickly to see where the source of the noise came from.)
(We return to the fantasy as it appears the laser cannon just shot at the ocean
five hundred meteres from the other battleship. Two large arrows point at both
the rival ship and the huge splurge of water caused by the laser.
Text appears above the scene: Not Even Close!)
(We cut to the split screen of P.A and Dieter.)
Pepper Ann (angry) : At her ship! At her ship!
Dieter (angry as well) : Well, you should have said!
Hickey's Voice: Pearson!
(Reality returns as Hickey sees P.A and the others on the school roof.)
Hickey (peeved) : Get down here this minute!
(Milo suddenly pops into view on the roof. He has a suspicious sack in his hand.)
Milo: Don't worry Captain! I'll send our skeleton crew to swim and take over the
enemy's ship!
(He dumps the sack, a crew of skeletons fall toward a shocked Hickey. I mean,
hey, he sees the skeletons as well! Strong imagination or what?)
Skeletons (cackling) : Nya ha ha!!
Hickey: *Insert choked, girl-like yelp of horror here*
(The "skeletons" turn out to be field hockey sticks. Hickey is completely buried.
P.A and co. peer over the roof.)
Milo (somewhat disappointed) : Hmm, they sunk. Makes sense, they're just heavy bones...
Nicky: I was tired of looking at skeletons anyway.
(Hickey struggles out of the mess. And is about to ream out to the kids on the
roof when Doogan interrupts.)
Coach Doogan: Yes! Now that's improvising! See class? We can still have our gym
time! Everyone on the roof! We can play a few games of dodge ball!
(Everyone excitingly climbs the roof to join P.A and the others. P.A, somewhat
amazed she didn't get in trouble, smiles and tosses a ball to Couch Doogan.
Hickey snarls softly to himself and kicks some of the field hockey sticks.)
(We then switch scenes to a school assembly. Every kid is writing down on a
piece of paper. Hickey is walking up and down the aisles.)
Hickey: Now, just write everything you can that you feel that is important on these
teacher and principal evaluation sheets. Of course all of these are confidential.
Wayne Mcabe: Hey, wait a minute! If these are confidential how come there's a
line that says "Full Name"?
Hickey: That's, uh, so we know which line NOT to look at.
(We pan to P.A who is now on the principal evaluation. She is writing away on
her opinions of Hickey.)
- Grades unfairly as a substitute teacher.
- Harasses and threatens students constantly.
- Probably hates puppies.
(P.A giggles as she writes the third line. Hickey is behind her reading what
she has written; closed fists on his hips.)
Hickey (annoyed): Hey, I do not! Don't write that!
Pepper Ann (annoyed, as well): Tell you what, I'll make you a deal:
Stop hounding me and making me look like some demon child to the whole town
and I won't be so truthful on this evaluation.
Hickey: And?
Pepper Ann: That's it.
Hickey: That's not a deal! That's me giving you a good thing for nothing!
(He leaves P.A alone. P.A frowns and quickly scrawls a final
comment.)
- Refuses to compromise on student complaints.
(We return to the office. Vera isn't pleased with Hickey's silly whining.)
Vera: Take a walk, Hickey. I doubt a twelve year old girl would
see to it that your life becomes a living garbage hole.
(The scene pauses as if on a VCR. Pink Eye Pete steps out in front of the scene.
He gives a wave.)
Pink Eye Pete: Hi everyone! Extensive market testing and research has revealed that
you don't want to see red headed heroines or the dreams of evil, whiny principals;
you want to see me and my clever and original screenplays!
(A white background with text written in red crayon appears: The Legend of Axe Boy!)
Pink Eye Pete's voice over: The Legend of Axe Boy!
(We go to a nice orange sunset, a person is looking at it with admiration.
The person turns out to be Milo, who is holding an axe in each hand.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice over: This is the Legend of Axe Boy...
(Milo continues to stare at the sunset. A smile forms on his face.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: We all know he was born with axes with hands, but what drives
him to live with normal people with hands for hands?
(We change scenes to the inside of a log cabin. Lamar and Crying Girl are sitting on
some chairs. Lamar is dressed in a white suit and Crying Girl is in a green dress.
Milo gives a wave with one of his axes to them as he enters the room. A small Pink
Eye Pete pops up and floats above them.)
Pink Eye Pete: Why his loving parents, Ma and Pa, of course!
Lamar (in a bit of a southern U.S accent) : Now son, normal folk
ain't gonna take to you much, but don't hold it against 'em.
Crying Girl (same): Yep, don't chop their heads off if you can help it!
Pink Eye Pete: But one day...
(Pink Eye Pete "poofs" away as the background changes; Milo approaches a log cabin.
In the front yard there are two gravestones; signed Ma and Pa.)
Milo (in shocked grief) : No! Ma! Pa! The village folk must have killed them while
I was out cutting wood!
(Milo slumps on his knees. The mini Pink Eye Pete pops up above Milo's head.)
Pink Eye Pete (gung ho) : And so Axe Boy vowed to seek and destroy the xenophobic,
hateful, normal people society!
Milo (yelling with emotion) : I'll avenge you!
(He runs off.)
Pink Eye Pete (happily) : Even though he only got lost and gone to the
wrong cabin.
(A crudely drawn map appears. Milo simply went to the house NEXT doorto his parents'
house. Pink Eye Pete points to the map.)
Pink Eye Pete: See?
(We cut to Lamar and Crying Girl looking puzzled.)
Lamar: Hey, where's Axe Boy?
Crying Girl: I don't know.
(Milo is running through the forest.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: On his way to his destiny, Axe Boy met the great father,
Augustine Washington.
(Noah steps out in his Augustine Washington get-up.)
Noah (accusing) : Hey you! Did you chop down my cherry tree?
Milo: I cannot tell a lie. (he shows his axes.) I have axes for hands.
Noah: That's not what I axed you!
Pink Eye Pete's Voice (laughs) : Its a pun! See? See?
Milo (defensive) : Are you calling me a liar?
(He chases Noah, who is yelping in horror.)
Milo: As a matter of fact, I did cut down your stupid tree!
(We switch scenes again to an apartment room. Milo is standing, pondering of
what to do.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: Seeking revenge, Axe Boy has taken up residence
in a middle class apartment.
(We cut to the hallway outside of Milo's room.Nicky enters, she is holding a
chainsaw in each hand, she knocks the door with one of them.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: His neighbor, a girl with chainsaws for hands, has
agreed to aid him in his plan to overthrow the society of people with hands.
(Milo approaches the door.)
Milo: What are you knocking for? I can't open it either. Just saw it down like
you always do.
Nicky: But the landlord hates that!
Milo: Fine. Go get him!
(A man opens the door for Nicky. He shuts it behind him as he leaves. Milo and Nicky
seat themselves in some chairs. They start up a conversation.)
Milo: The first step is to destroy the people's trust in society.
Nicky: Of course!
Pink Eye Pete's voice: When suddenly...!
(Pepper Ann bursts through the door, dressed in a gray suit and a fake moustache.)
Pepper Ann: Nya ha ha! I'm the villain Ten Fingers! I came to put an end to
your revolution!
Nicky (gasps) : Where we have no hands, he has an abundance! No doubt he is our
worst enemy!
Pepper Ann (tauntingly) : But then I thought, "Why bother? They can't do anything,
they don't have hands!" (She laughs evilly.) I mean,you can't even open a door!
(she laughs again.)
Milo: Hey! You broke the door down just like we do nearly all the time!
You can't brag!
Pepper Ann: I mean, how do you even get your clothes on? (her tone becomes confused.)
And what was with that bit with George Washington's dad?
Nicky: That's enough!
(Nicky confronts P.A with her chainsaws a' buzzing.)
Nicky: You think you can just waltz in here and make fun of us?
Well, I'll teach you otherwise, with these chainsaws!
Pepper Ann: Heh, you wanna attack me, huh? You don't know how
wealthy I am; but you'll soon see!
(P.A shows off sparkly rings on all her fingers. A blinding flash
comes from the rings.)
Nicky: Ah! The diamonds! They are so bright!
(Nicky slumps down.)
Pepper Ann: With my hands, billionaire status was easy to achieve! The first thing
I bought were ten diamond rings then a full set of diamond teeth!
(Milo approaches Nicky.)
Milo: Chainsaw Girl! Hang in there!
Nicky: Be careful, he is really rich.
Pepper Ann: Hey, are you even listening to me?
Milo: Curse you! Don't expect your wealth to save you from me!
Pepper Ann: What? It's not like I killed her or anything.
(They square off.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: With Chainsaw Girl defeated an enraged Axe Boy leaps into
the fray.
(Milo slashes at P.A. The diamond rings scatter as its obvious
P.A just shook them free from her hands.)
Milo: Ha! You've lost your diamonds!
Pepper Ann: So? That's just chump change to Ten Fingers!
Milo: Even if I can't inflict fiscal damage I can still do physical damage!
Pepper Ann (rolls her eyes) : Oh for, that was a really stupid pun!
(He swings both his axes downward at P.A. She catches them easily.)
Pepper Ann: Heh, your double axe attack is no threat to me! Why don't you go home
and drink some milk?
Milo (super annoyed) : I AM home!
Pepper Ann (sneers): Ha! This is so easy it's almost not fun!
(P.A lifts one of her legs and kicks Milo away. Milo and Nicky are in collapsed,
defeated positions.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: What horror! Chainsaw Girl was beaten by Ten Fingers'
diamonds and Axe Boy fell victim to his amazing martial arts! Is there nothing our
heroes can do?
Pepper Ann (confident) : Hell no! I'm unstoppable! (she laughs with alotta evil.)
Pink Eye Pete's voice: Our heroes lie in shameful defeat, all hope seems lost.
When suddenly...!
(Dieter leaps into the scene, he is holding both an axe and a chainsaw.
He confronts P.A.)
Dieter: Gaarooooooow!!
Pink Eye Pete's Voice: Why, its the love child of Axe Boy and Chainsaw Girl;
back to defend his parents!
Pepper Ann (befuddled. [who wouldn't be?]) : What? Haven't they just met?
How could they have a kid? (She points to Dieter.) Much less a thirteen year old!
Dieter: Gaooooooooooo!
Pepper Ann (yelling with frustration) : And why is he making monster noises?!
(She turns away from Dieter. She removes her fake moustache.)
Pepper Ann (mad) : This is getting stupid! I quit!
Dieter: Rar!
Pink Eye Pete's Voice: In an instant Chainsaw-And-Axe Kid defeated Ten Fingers!
His reign of terror is at an end!
(Pepper Ann pokes half her body out.)
Pepper Ann (even angrier): Hey, I didn't lose! I quit! (She stomps away again.)
(A calm street appears as the new scene. The mini Pink Eye Pete pops up.)
Pink Eye Pete (a tad overexcited) : Together the family trio continues to
overthrow the soulless society of people with hands!
(P.A returns, she swats at Pink Eye Pete but misses. He hovers above her reach.)
Pepper Ann: Ok, I know I said I quit but I wanted to come back and explain why
this is stupid! First, how could Axe Boy get axes for hands in the first place?
His parents don't have any sharp weapons for appendages! That scene with George
Washington's dad was really unnecessary and dumb as well! Another thing is how did
Chainsaw Girl get those chainsaws started? And what prevented them from running out
of gas? And those puns were really lame and stupid!
(The mini Pink Eye Pete hovers to P.A's eye level.)
Pink Eye Pete: Oh, your just mad because you lost a fight to Dieter!
Pepper Ann (enraged) : Next is the narrator; who pisses me off!
(She produces a net and swats it at Pink Eye Pete and nearly captures him.)
Pink Eye Pete: Gah!
(Pepper Ann gives chase.)
Pepper Ann: We're going back to a normal plot for the next story! None of this
messed up junk that came from your head! You've ruined a decent beginning to what
could have been a reasonable story!
(Pink Eye Pete hovers above the reach of P.A.)
Pink Eye Pete: But its what the people want! They want to see me and my awesome
cinematography; research studies have proven it!
Pepper Ann (non-believing) : What?! How can you lie like that?!
Pink Eye Pete: You'll be sorry when the people abandon you for my genius and talent,
you heartless virago!
Pepper Ann: I don't know what you just called me but I guarantee you now have a
date with an entomologist!
(She produces a jar of formaldehyde and proceeds to try and capture Pink Eye Pete.
They begin to disappear as they move farther and farther away.)
Pink Eye Pete's Voice: There's no appreciation for the ingenious soul that is I!
End