Paper Lanterns
By Shannon the Twisted Link Worshiper
Author's Note Okay, I feel like a rat for keeping you guys waiting for another story, but wait! Before you start chucking rotten foodstuffs in my general direction, hear me out! My poor beautiful laptop has been in the shop for over three months, all my fanfiction projects saved on my baby's hard drive. Needless to say, I've been on the verge of insanity for all that time, especially since I was working on another big 1x2x1 epic for you all! Hah, and you thought Heero had an obsession with his computer. In any case, I've gotten to this point where I just have too many ideas stored up in my head to keep sane. So here's one of those ideas, typed on my crappy desktop computer, to hold you over until I get my baby back. Okay, now you can chase me with the smelly veggies.
Now for the usual spiel: I don't own Gundam Wing, nor do I own any of Joydrop's lyrics. Sorry for yet another song-based story, but this was (yet again) too perfect not to use! Though this is from nasty Relena's POV, it's still a 1x2x1, of course, which mean YAOI!!! Right, so if you're not keen on this couple (why?), don't read it! I won't deal with reviews that bug me about that. And I'd like to hear your input on this if you could spare time, even if it's only to boost my ego. Sometimes I feel so useless! And I'm sorry that the first chapter kind of bites. I just needed to set things up and an excuse to use the song. ^___^;
Oh yes, and this story is for Ides. It's her fault I'm so obsessed with Joydrop now. Though she probably doesn't even know that her story "Beautiful" had such an impact on poor little me. Anyway, go give that a read if you have a chance. It's worth your while, and not ridiculously long like my stories tend to be. Thanks Ides!
O^^^O
Part IAngel's Flight
"Duo!"
He throttled forward from his deathlike sleep, the silky sheets that shrouded his body falling lax to the floor. He was still clad in that ratty green tank top and the faded blue jeans he had been wearing about two and a half ago weeks when the Mariemaia incident finally came to a close. It must have been so hard for him to go through that painful ordeal only to fall dead to the world for nearly a month. Why, I still remember when he fainted completely away to the ground. I swear, if I had not been there to catch him from hitting the floor, he might have hurt himself even more than he already was. I held him for a couple minutes there, sure that he would wake up very soon. He was too strong to be unconscious very long and surely once he had rested in a soft bed for a little bit, he would come around by morning. But minutes ticked by, and still, he did not stir. His heart was thrumming away inside his chest, assuring me that he was not dead and yet, he was pallid and motionless. Minutes lapsed into hours in the cold dark as soldiers and police alike sifted through the hazardous remains of the presidential complex where Barton had set up his headquarters on Earth, my arms always around him to protect him from the chill winter frost, shaking him every now and then like one might a small abused puppy. I didn't even notice the passage of those hours until Lady Une suggested we make our way home. I was too preoccupied with him. This was the closest I had ever come to the boy I had chased from Earth to the stars countless times over. And even if he didn't know I was there, it made me feel contented to tend for him. I could hardly wait for him to awake and find that I had cared for him in his hour of need, despite everything that had ever happened between us. Maybe this would help fill the chasm between us.
"Duo," he breathed again, his finely muscled shoulders quivering slightly. I rushed to pull closed the tall window I had opened beside me to air out the stifling room, afraid for his discomfort. I'm not sure if it was being shut up in the little room for so long with him or what that made the air so arid. The strangest thing was that no matter how hot the room seemed to get, every time I laid my hand on his white forehead to check on his body temperature, despite the thin sheen of sweat that slicked his skin, he remained frozen, like he had been lying in an ice filled pond for years and years. Were his heart still not beating like a pump and his flesh damp, I would have mistaken him for a corpse. At least a faint rosy hue was returning to his ashen cheeks now that he was finally awake again.
[I'm not what you think I am.
I'm anything but the picture you've taken.
If I decide to touch the sky,
Don't bring me down.
It's hard enough.]
Oh and now that his eyes had finally snapped open once again, revealing those sharp dark blue orbs of iced glass, and all he could talk about was that… that….
"Where is he? I have to find him!" Heero glanced around the room warily, taking in the unfamiliar surroundings, the gold embossed paneled walls and the light wood furniture. He gazed pointedly at each painting on the wall, examining it as if he were trying to unearth some deeper meaning in the artists' colours, his eyes finally settling upon me where I sat in a red cushioned wing backed chair that I had dragged to the bedside. At least, I thought his eyes had settled on me. Looking closer, posture drooping when I finally realized it, I saw he was staring past me at a large gold-framed mirror that hung on the wall behind me, watching his eyes watch himself. I turned to see what he was so entranced by, the only movement in the shinning surface turning out to be his eyes as they narrowed slightly before widening once more. He spoke again. "What happened to everyone? Duo, Trowa… everyone… where are they?"
…That damn street whore! I tried not to think about it and just shook my head. This was not how it was supposed to happen! The fantasy I had been playing out in my head for many a night was suddenly splintered to pieces. Where was my kiss, my 'Relena, I love you and I always have,' the tender embrace? I did not want to talk about Duo! I could maybe even bear speaking of the other pilots, perhaps, but not Duo! Anyone but Duo! I could not even begin to tell you what infuriated me so much about the smiling American. He was kind and cheerful enough, and if anything, it was I who gave him the cold shoulder. Perhaps it had something to do with the first time I saw he and Heero together after our first encounter. There was something in the air that one time, something in the way Duo's eyes glinted in the sunlight, in the way Heero watched him, that fingered at an emotion inside I had never experienced before. I later came to describe that emotion as jealousy. I had never had cause to be jealous of anyone before. I usually got what I wanted before I had time to activate such a feeling.
[I recognize, in your voice, in your eyes,
Something's out there waiting.
Someone out there knows the score.]
But for the first time, someone—that someone being Heero—was not so quick to bend to my wishes. I don't know if it was selfish on my part or not to demand such a thing, but I guess I had trouble understanding just why Heero wasn't like every other boy I had met. I could have literally pointed to any other boy I knew and he would stumble over his own feet to do whatever I needed. But Heero, oh no, not him. First, I could never imagine Heero stumbling over anything—his step is too sure—but even then, he seemed too absorbed in his own world to notice even me. At least, that was the excuse I made up for myself until I came to see the way he noticed Duo. And I think it is that which roused my emotions. He noticed Duo. For crying out loud, I even saw Heero first! I should have been his by default! And yet, he seemed to treat Duo like he was something more. Oh, I don't deny that after a while he noticed me as well, but not in the same way. He noticed me the way he noticed his other friends. I guess he respected me, wanted to work for my ideals and such but… but I just wasn't special or anything. No, the way he noticed Duo was far different. He watched Duo differently, spoke to him with an almost huskier tone, let the little demon touch him and hug him without getting tense and stiff. He spoke to me politely and easily, but that… that something that changed in him around Duo was never there when he was with me.
"Relena," his deep, slightly nasal monotone roused me from my blank musings.
"Yes?" I asked him sweetly. Perhaps I had been wrong. Maybe this was his way of leading up to some quiet hidden inner feeling that he—
"What happened?" he asked again. He lethargically raised a hand to his forehead, weaving his long calloused fingers into his dark mahogany painted bangs. He gently massaged his forehead, staring down at his balled up other fist in his lap. "I can't remember a damn thing. I dragged myself out of Wing's cockpit and then I…" I could see the lines of his bones beneath the skin of his hand as he clenched his fingers together against his brow. "…I think I shot the girl and I…."
"…Fainted," I finished. "You've been asleep for almost a month." I saw this as my time to drop a subtle hint. "A lot has been going on in the world but I haven't left your side since that night when I caught you in my arms."
His hand fell sharply to his side as he turned that hardened glare in my direction. "What were you doing here?" His voice seemed somewhat poisonous. I had not expected this kind of reaction at all and was a little taken aback by the tone in his speech. This was not the way one should speak to the person who nursed him from near death. "You should be out there!" He pointed abruptly to the world that lay outside the nearby window, making me want to take cover behind the long puffy crimson curtains that hung alongside the window's frame. "You should be out there leading the people who look to you for guidance! They are the ones who need you, not me! I can take care of myself!"
I chuckled softly, reaching out to take his limp hand. He jerked it away, glaring at me with that smoldering frown of his. "You don't have to be so strong all the time, Heero," I said quietly. "You shouldn't shut others out of your life, especially the ones who care."
He looked away, the look on his face unreadable. Only he could know what was brewing behind those stormy eyes of his as his gaze fell back to his fisted hands. I wished I could just break that hot shell of pride he was encased in. The fact that he ran from me only made me want to pursue him all the more. As I said, there had never been a person before Heero who had denied me anything. It was almost like a conquest that I was determined to overcome. I needed to know that I had the ability to bend anyone to my cause. He was the one thing I could never quite grasp. He always seemed to dart too quickly amongst the clouds to hide. "Duo," he whispered softly, as if he were speaking to someone who transcended the confined space of that lofty corner bedroom.
[All ever really wanted was to fly.
I'm pissed off with gravity.
Won't you let me go?
I need to fly.]
I could feel myself flinch at the sound of the name. "Heero, they've all gone. Everyone was so scattered after the chaos, no one was quite sure where to go and what to do. So the best anyone could hope for was to try and start over. My brother took Noin with him to Mars to begin the Terra Forming Project for me. Quatre's gone to take the reins of his father's corporation and Trowa's gone home to his sister and the circus. Wu Fei is working for Sally and Lady Une at Preventers and…."
"And?" He looked at me hopefully. His expression had melted into an imploring countenance, waiting for me to go on.
I swallowed and forced myself to speak. "And Duo's gone to L2 with Hilde to help her with her salvage company. Said she needed a mechanic to get business going again." A nervous chuckle escaped my lips. I had never felt my heart rumble in this odd pattern inside my chest before, mounting the strange combination of nervousness, guilt and joy that raced through my veins all at once. I was afraid of how Heero would take this news that he was abandoned by his comrades, feeling guilty that I reveled in this notion that the only one who was with him now was myself, not that the others had not offered to stay as well. After all, I had kind of shooed them all away, insisting that I could care for Heero just fine on my own. The hardest one to get off was that Duo, however. He had asked me multiple times if he could stay behind and help me and even took to hanging out by the estate's gates, waiting for word on Heero's condition. It wasn't until his friend Hilde came along and dragged his thinning frame off the streets to L2 with her. I was pleased when he was finally gone and I feel kind of bad to admit that I hoped that Heero was jealous of the company that Hilde offered his friend. Almost….
"Oh," just a quiet, almost sad, reply. An odd silence befell us once again. I stood and offered him my hand, intending to help him downstairs as so he might get a bite to eat when he suddenly catapulted from the mattress. Almost skidding on the creamy silk sheets that had pooled on the floor, he lunged for the wooden door, wrenching it open, about to fly around the doorframe and out of my reach once again until I bounded from my chair and across the room with speed I did not even know I had, grabbing him tightly by the wrist with both hands. I was not going to let him slip through my fingers like water once again. I never seemed to be able to quite grasp him, no matter how hard I tried. "What are you doing? Let go!" He easily snatched his hand from my grip and shoved his hand deep into his pocket, lingering as if he were expecting me to say something to him.
"Heero," I protested. Though he had never done anything because I had gotten on my knees and begged him to before, I nevertheless gave it a try. I was practically at my wits end and on the verge of tears. "Heero, don't leave again. You're always running off, not even bothering to take in the world around you. Why can't you let Duo be happy by himself? You don't need to be there, holding his hand all the time!"
"It's not only Duo's happiness I'm worried about," he said blandly, though I could detect the slightest hint of emotion rising, choked, in his throat. "I want to do something for myself for once. I want myself to be happy."
I could not defer from this ambiguous comment what he meant, so I simply put on a wounded countenance and tried to reach out for the crook of his elbow. He easily evaded me and turned to face me completely. "Relena, what is it you really want from me? You follow me, do favours for me, treat me like I'm some sort of god. I don't understand why."
"Don't you get it? Are you so callous that you can't see how much I love you? I do it because I love you Heero!" I covered my mouth with my hands, shocked that I had actually spoken those words to him. It was supposed to be my secret. He arched an eyebrow at me, almost as if he were amused by this statement. Had he been anyone else, I might have expected that look on his face to be accompanied by a chuckle. But he didn't laugh. Instead, he looked at me with that same slightly bemused glare in his midnight blue irises, as if waiting for an explanation. "Don't you… see?" I added feebly.
Then it came, that smirk of his. I could tell he was mocking me from behind those mysterious cobalt eyes. It almost seemed too cruel to be real. "Relena," he said, shoving his other hand into his pocket, cocking his head slightly so he had to sort of look upwards to meet my eyes. "Relena, if that's what you're definition of loving someone is, then I feel bad for you."
"I… I don't understand what you mean," I stammered, a little confused by this almost playful manner of his. Was it his idea of a joke? I suppose I had never imagined him the joking type. Or maybe I had just never heard him try before. In any case, I'm still not very used to dry humour.
"Love and idol worship are two totally different things," he clarified, obviously taking in my vacant stare as he straightened his posture and regaining that typical stiff Heero Yuy posture I was used to. "Relena, you do not love me."
"Yes, yes I do! I do! I swear I do!" I took a few imploring steps forward, only to be met with a few backward paces of his own. "I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to say it. You always ran away before I ever got a chance to say so but I do!"
"You are wrong," he asserted his same position as before, turning on his heel and starting down the hall.
I shook my head defiantly and shouted after him. "I just want you to stay with me always! Is that so hard? Is it? Your wings are battered, bloody and bruised. You don't always need to beat them so hard. Who is it you are you running from?"
[And I'd like to know,
Do you believe?
Will you believe?
Did you ever believe in me?]
He stopped, and for a second, my heart did flip-flops in my chest, until, that is, he spoke. Not even bothering to turn around, he hovered at the head of the grand staircase that led down into my home's grand foyer, one hand resting lightly on the wooden banister, his socked feet planted firmly in the soft red carpeting beneath his soles. "It's not a matter of running away, but a matter of getting somewhere. I could be on my last breath and I'd still keep going."
"Where could you have to get that could be so important?"
He lifted his chin slightly, as if staring out past the walls that defined my house and beyond a reality that was far, far away. "Home," he answered softly, his voice barely audible, despite the silence that ruled the sunlit corridor. He turned his gaze a hint more in my direction. "What would you have me do, stay here with you? You would confine me like a pet bird in a gilded cage? Relena, I don't want that. Is that what you want?"
I had no idea what to say. When put in such a metaphor, it would have seemed either coldhearted or selfish or both to assent to that. Then, for the first time in my life, I was not sure at all what I wanted. Did I really want to confine Heero like that? A creature with wings, never to fly again? I said nothing, afraid of the response I might evoke from him.
"Is it?" he pressed.
"I… I wouldn't keep you trapped," I offered weakly.
"Clip my wings then? Allow me only to flutter here and there and never take to the sky again?" He had angled himself a little more towards me as he said this. "And what would happen when you tire of me? Every child tires of their pet after so long. You would grow weary of trying to break me into this kind of life. I could never live like this and be happy, Relena. How could you claim to love me and worry only about your own happiness?"
"I…." The weight of his words was like a flurry of rocks being pelted at my skull. They made my head pound and spin and I felt like I might collapse. I crumpled to the floor in a heap of satin skirts and frustration.
"Goodbye, Relena," he nodded curtly before beginning his descent down the stairs.
[I'm not what you think I am.
You can't define me.
You won't confine me,
Just for some peace of mind.
You'd waste me.]
I barely gave that chocolate head of hair time to disappear beneath the horizon of the balcony that overlooked the hall below. I was already picking myself up off the floor, practically tripping back down to the ground over my dress as I staggered after him. I saw him standing by the door, one of the servants holding it open for him as he offered him his scarred brown boots and his denim jacket. He was just pulling on his coat over his shoulders when he noticed me standing on the stairs, watching him with my hand upon my chest as had become habit when I was desperate for something. He gave me another farewell nod and a sort of half smile before walking out the door, closing it behind him. The click of the latch in the doorframe seemed to echo all around me, as if it were the only sound in the entire world. I didn't even hear the sound of my friend, Dorothy, behind me as she started to speak to me about some political affair I was supposed to attend that afternoon.
"I don't know if I'm up to it," I said half heartedly as I sat down glumly on the steps, cupping my chin and covering my face with my hands. "Tell them I got sick or something."
Dorothy put her hands on her hips as she sauntered down a few steps so she stood in front of me. I could see from between my fingers that she had that leering grin etched on her face again, and I knew she was preparing to lecture me on something, once again off to prove me naïve and immature. "You let him get away again, didn't you? That's the breaks, kid. Not much you can do is there? Maybe God is trying to drop you a hint?"
"Oh stuff it Dorothy!" I moaned, pulling my hands away from my flushed and tear-stained face. "I don't need to hear your high-and-mighty routine right now!"
"Oh I think you're wrong about that. I took the liberty of listening in on what he said to you just up there. He's right, you know," she answered coldly, crossing her arms over her chest. She wore our boarding school's magenta blazer and crème pink skirt even now, and it was really hard to imagine her wearing anything else. Her tone her eyes had taken on, however, clashed violently with those pinks as she stared long and hard at me before going on. "I think you need a good slap in the face to be perfectly honest, but I've decided to go easy on you since you seem to be in such a state of shock."
"Shock about what?" I demanded, pulling my hands from my face in a jerky abrupt motion, staring up at her with as menacing a glare as I could muster. I probably looked nowhere near as intimidating as Heero did when he pulled his death stare, but I hoped I got the message across. So what if my 'death glare' turned out looking more like the face of a small child pouting because he could not have as many sweets as he wanted; I was sure Dorothy could see my discontentment with her ill timing.
She was leaning on the banister now, polishing her nails on her skirt and examining them as if this were the most casual conversation in all the world. "Shock that the world isn't made to please you and you can't get everything your little ideal world requires when and where you want it."
"What's you're point?"
She rolled her eyes and let out a huffy sigh. "My point is that Heero Yuy isn't a little puppet you can pay money for and bring home with you to play with. He's a person who has feelings and a heart and should be allowed to make his own decisions without some floozy love-sick girl bitching and moaning about what she deserves after such a painful war without him." She climbed up a step and sunk down so that she was crouched on the stair right below the one I was sitting on. Staring me straight in the eye, she went on. "Now let's see, who's the one who really went through the pain here, him or you? How dare you tell him what you deserve! Compared to that boy, you deserve nothing, Relena. You hear me? Nothing!"
"I know what's best for him and what's best for him is a good stable life with a family who cares about him. He deserves to be comfortable and happy and taken care of forever!" Dorothy's face contorted a bit and in one fell motion, she threw her long golden hair over one shoulder and smacked me hard across the cheek. Shocked, I raised a hand to my raw cheek, my eyes wide with surprise as I evaluated her placid expression. "W-What was that for?"
"How do you know what he needs or wants? How much time have you really spent with him just talking about this kind of thing?" she asked. She must have seen something in my expression or my silence that satisfied her question, for she went on from there. "I thought as much. You were nothing short of a stalker during those old war days, Relena. You hardly talked to him, not like his fellow pilots who could probably write an entire book on that boy and how he's wired and circuited. And whenever you did have a real conversation, if my memory serves me right, it usually was about big things like peace and whatnot, yes?"
I nodded dumbly. I hated it when Dorothy was right like this.
[I recognize in your voice, in your eyes,
Something's out there waiting.
Someone out there knows the score.]
"Right, so besides his opinions on war and fighting, what else could you tell me about him? What could you tell me about Heero Yuy, the person, not the soldier?" she asked. I was quiet, tired of this conversation already. Her voice was becoming like a dull ring in my ears. All I could hear was that latch clicking in the doorjamb over and over. "You say what he needs a comfortable normal life. Relena, what about that boy is normal? Do you really think he could just slide into a world like this and be perfectly okay? Thinking like this is part of your problem!"
"I don't have a problem!" I exclaimed, balling my fists and jerking them back a bit.
"Of course not," she sighed again and stood up, offering me her hand. "Come on, get up. I'm sorry for hitting you. Go take a shower and I'll lay out something you can wear to the conference this afternoon. Part of your role is to help get this godforsaken world back on track!"
"Sure," I mumbled, my mind very far away from that time and place.
That afternoon found me standing amongst a small group of old politicians who were busy arguing with themselves about this and that. I was not sure if I was removed from the meeting's hubbub because I was annoyed with the other people there or if I was annoyed with myself or if it all just boiled down to Heero evaporating into the sunlight once again. I always just missed him! I felt as if I were some fool crazy person who spent his life at the water's edge trying to hold the ocean, only to have it fall through his fingers, and never learning, would go back to try and scoop it up again. My eyes wandered up to the skies, wondering if Heero still stood beneath that same sky as me, or if he had flow up into the vast reaches of space once again. I suddenly had to know. I had to know where he went. Where it was that he was so desperate to get to that he would turn down the world I had offered him. Where it was he called… home….
[All I ever really wanted was to fly.
I'm pissed off with gravity.
Won't you let me go?
I need to fly.]
Suddenly, I was running. I could hear the surprised calls of everyone at the meeting calling my name after me, but their shouts fell upon deaf ears as I kept going, dashing past the front gates of my estate, pushing myself to sprint as far as I could. Next thing I realized, I was standing on a street corner in the middle of the city, panting for breath. The spaceport was not very far from where I stood. I forced myself along the crowded streets towards that destination, sure that if Heero had a set destination on this whole planet Earth, it would be the nearest spaceport. I had no idea what led me to this conclusion, but I was just sure I was right.
When I finally managed to stumble through the automatic sliding glass doors of the spaceport and make it up to one of the ticket counters, asking for a check on the name Heero Yuy, I found myself at a dead end. No one by that name had bought a ticket anywhere that day. Of course, I realized, Heero would not be so careless as to do anything under his real name. But what name would he have chosen as a cover? There were so many different ideas running through my mind at the time, I paid no attention as the woman behind the desk took the next customer as I remained standing dumbly beside her post.
"You're name Sir?" the lady asked her customer. I looked briefly over my shoulder to evaluate the person, a middle-aged man, probably with a wife and three children back home somewhere. I wondered what Heero would be like when he was older. I had always imagined that he would be married to me, and maybe like this man, he would go off now and again on business, only to come home to our family and me. But every time I thought of this, it seemed more and more far-fetched, the words of both Dorothy and Heero coming back to haunt me, ringing more and more true every time they replayed in my head.
"Marvolo," he answered. As the woman typed in the name, the computer automatically sorted through the names of everyone else on the record. Then I noticed one that stood out among the others, listed right there with all the other 'M' names, and right then and there, I knew exactly where Heero was planning to go. If I had hurried, I might have been able to catch the very same flight Heero was getting on.
[And I'd like to know,
Do you believe?
Will you believe?
Did you ever believe in me?]
The second Marvolo had bought his ticket and checked his bag, I was right back there, paying for a ticket to L2. The next flight was leaving in mere minutes, and the second she handed me that ticket, I was off like a shot towards the boarding gates. There was no way I was going to let Heero slip through my fingers again. I would not spend my life trying to grasp the sea. Almost to the L2 gate, I saw the last of the passengers boarding the shuttle and knowing that I was seconds away from either making or missing this flight. Not being on this flight would force me to wait hours for another shuttle and knowing Heero, hours was all he needed to fade away again, like a ghost that never existed. I had to catch him before he was dead to me for real.
[Everything is everything.
There's no telling,
No right way to go,
Getting to the promise we hold in ourselves.
It's never easy going 'round,
Or getting over.]
Finally reaching the gate, I was told by the attendant there that I was too late. I begged to be let on board the flight, but he insisted that reopening the gate to allow another passenger, even if that passenger was me, Queen Relena, would set the flight further behind schedule than it already was, and it was just impossible.
Dejectedly, I wandered to an empty seat in the waiting area. On the seat beside me were a few scattered rose petals that had fallen off some impatient lover's bouquet as he waited to get back home to his dear one. I fingered the scarlet rose petals sadly, wondering if anyone would ever buy a bouquet of flowers for me. I pocketed two or three of the petals to keep close, just for my aching heart's sake as I watched the L2 bound shuttle catapult off the runway and into the heavens.
And I wanted to know, just where did Heero consider home way out there in the stars?
[All I ever really wanted was to fly.
I'm pissed off with gravity.
Won't you let me go?
I need to fly,
And I'd like to know,
Do you believe?
Will you believe?
Did you ever believe?]O^^^O
A/N: Okay, I'm sorry that was a little weak—certainly not my best—but I had nothing to do today and I decided to start draining my mind of all the ideas I've got locked up there. The next parts will be better because there will be 1x2 and Relena anguish! Whahaha—err, please keep going when I update. I've decided to try a new tactic and post this chapter by chapter instead of the whole shebang at once. Hopefully that will mean more reviews! I promise the big story I was working on before my computer decided to get sick and die will be much better. And review please! It will make me feel loved! I promise to write the rest as quickly as I can. ~ L.W.