Author's Note: Can I call this my first Hetalia fic ever? I did write something else a few days ago, but it was horrible and cringe-worthy and really it was just a heavily embellished outline of a fic idea. So yes, let's not call that one my first Hetalia fic.

So this is my first Hetalia fanfiction! You may applaud if you'd like, but if you don't want to, it's cool.

So yesterday on the hetalia_events community on LJ, people were posting a bunch of strange laws in various countries. There was one Swedish law in particular (which may not necessarily be true, I must note) that was just begging to be ficced... and that's how this came to be. (Obviously I chose to take the less obscene route. If someone else tries going for the other extreme... honestly, not sure if want.)

This is a Hanatama Family one-shot... something (humor? crack? fluff? I don't even know). That being Sweden, Finland, Sealand, and Ladonia—unfortunately I couldn't find a way to fit Hanatamago in this. This is my first time writing any of these characters, and I had a hard time grasping their characterizations (seriously, I spent hours on this little thing, and there are parts I rewrote three or four times—all because of the characterization), so if they seem a little off... I'm sorry. I tried my best.

By the way, I subscribe to the headcanon that the furniture store Sweden lives in is an IKEA.

Anyway, I hope people like?

Disclaimer: Hetalia ≠ mine.

A Father's Duty

"Papaaaaaa!"

"Hey, damn pipsqueak! Give that back!"

"No way! Papa, check it out!"

Sweden sighed and turned away from the chair he was building to see his sons scrambling over furniture towards him. "Don' get an'thing dirty," he scolded.

"Yeah, yeah," Sealand said as he bounced off the last couch separating them. His cheeks were flushed in excitement as he waved a piece of paper in his hand. "Papa, check out what Ladonia found on the Internet!"

"Give that back, bastard!" Ladonia, having finally caught up to his so-called brother, jumped off the top of the couch (wearing shoes, to Sweden's disdain) to tackle Sealand to the ground—only to reel back in pain after hitting his face against the boy's steel body. "Ow! Dammit, that's part of my battle strategy against Sve! Not—ow—not that I need one 'cause I can take him even without one,"—somehow the statement didn't hold as much weight with Ladonia wincing and massaging his sore forehead—"but just in case!"

Sealand stuck out his tongue and waved the piece of paper mockingly. "Too bad, 'cause I have it now and I'm gonna show it to Papa!"

Ladonia lunged at Sealand again, but this time opted to pull on the other boy's cheeks with his thumbs hooked in his mouth. "Give it back, shorty!"

"Ey, I'h ahher ahh euu!"

"Just give it back!"

Sighing again, Sweden pulled his sons away from one another before anyone got seriously injured.

"What's going on here?" Finland, who had been cooking dinner in the restaurant kitchen, chose this moment to walk over. "Are the two of you fighting again?"

"It's not my fault!" Sealand retorted. "I'm just coming to tell Papa about something he has to do and Ladonia is being a jerk!"

"I'm not the jerk, you stole my battle—"

"Seal'nd," Sweden finally spoke, pinching the bridge of his nose. "What's on th' paper?"

Triumphantly, Sealand presented his father with the paper (but not before shooting Ladonia a smug look). "Ladonia found it on the Internet, and it's a law, so you have to do it!"

Sweden scanned the paper quickly—it looked like a webpage printed off the Internet. It was titled, "Strange Swedish laws," and featured predominantly in the middle of the page was—

Sweden felt his face begin to heat up in embarrassment.

"'It is a father's duty to teach his son how to masturbate,'" Sealand recited the law proudly. "And since you're my Papa, you have to teach me!"

Sweden saw Finland's hands shoot up to cover his mouth—his eyes shone with what looked like a strange mix of horror and amusement, though he had the good grace to blush as well.

"And teach me before Ladonia!" Sealand added excitedly. "I'm older than him, after all!"

"Stupid! I already looked up how to do that on the Internet a longtime ago!"

Finland lowered his hands and put on a stern face, though he still seemed mildly amused. "Now, Ladonia, that's not the sort of thing you should be looking up on the Internet..."

"Oh yeah, by the way..." Sealand looked up at his father curiously. "What does 'masturbate' mean, anyway?"

Silence fell upon the family as Sweden's feeling of dread intensified. He blinked slowly for a moment, raising a hand to cover his rapidly reddening cheeks, before shooting his wife a pleading gaze. "Fin..."

Finland made a show of clapping his hands together, as if he'd just been struck with a novel idea. "Boys, why don't you leave your father be for now and come to the kitchen to help me—"

"But Papa still hasn't taught me about masturbating!" Sealand shouted defiantly.

"I can't believe you don't even know what it is, you pipsqueak!"

"I'm taller than you!"

Sweden took advantage of the tangent to encourage the distraction. "Both o' you. Go help yer mother in the kitch'n."

"Mo—" Finland cast the Swede a disapproving look before muttering something under his breath.

Sweden gently pushed the two boys forward and was just about to sigh in relief when Sealand stopped and turned to glare back up at his father. "Papa, just tell me what masturbating is! You have to, it's your own law!"

He tried looking to Finland for help again, but his wife only shook his head with a frown. I'm not their father, so this is all on you, Sve, his eyes seemed to tell the Swede.

It occurred to Sweden that perhaps he had made the Finn mad.

With a sigh, he finally placed a hand on Sealand's shoulder and leaned down to be at eye-level with the micronation. "Seal'nd. Mast'rbatin' is..." He could feel his face heating up again. "It's..."

Sealand looked at him eagerly. "Yeah?"

"It's..." Sweden paused for a while, trying to form the right words. "...somethin' you'll learn when yer older."

Sealand gaped at him. "But Papa! I'm 44 years old, you know!"

"Too young. Get goin' with Fin now." Sweden pushed his son forward as he stood back up.

"Then when will you tell me?"

"When yer in the UN," Sweden answered without missing a beat.

Sealand whined, but obediently followed after Finland and Ladonia, leaving Sweden with his project once again.

Staring at the half-completed chair in front of him, Sweden pondered over what had just happened. He took another glance at the printout Sealand had handed him. Finally, he pulled out his cell phone.

He'd have to talk to his boss about getting that law repealed.