FEAR OF MONSTERS
(First chapter will lead into the first Monster..."Fear of Judgement Monster" - "Dance In The Dark")
She could feel his gaze boring down her back, but everytime she turned around his eyes were hidden from her view as he stared down intently on the parchment below him. Their menacing yet intriguing potions teacher droned on with a lesson about vampires, yet her floating thoughts always found their way to him. Regrettfully, not once did she find him returning her odd yet impervious glares. Part ofher was glad he didn't incase it was all just in her head so she could spare herself the embarassment. For some even stranger reason though she panicked at the thought of him returning her out of ordinary favoring towards him lately. Distraught filled her almost completely over the fact that she was captured by him. The way his white hair would fall over his face and cover his pale as a cloudless day eyes and tear her apart in curiosity of what secrets he hid behind those eyes. God forbid if he ever saw what hid behind hers, beacause if he did his whole idea of what she is would be shattered. Fire crawled within her veins as she tore away from him and made an attempt to focuse soley on the professors lecture till class was dismissed. Loud thumping of a book plumetting on her desk infront of her startled her from day dreaming once again.
"Losing focus Mrs. Granger? The class has been dismissed you best be on your way."
Malice in his voice was a poor coverup for some possible actual worry as he looked down at her with indifferent eyes. Which also began to alarm Hermione to the fact that there was something too obviously wrong with her and now people could begin to pick up on it, even though she thought she looked calm and collective. As she walked out she could of sworn that she could feel Snapes eyes raking over her body, mentally taking note of it for some reason. Unease settled over her as she walked at a slow uneven pace to the dinning hall. Harry, Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna all smiled softly up at her and greeted her pleasantly as she sat down with them. Once everyone had taken notice to her presence they continued on back into their conversations and she would make a comment or two, but mostly she found herself raptured by her own thoughts.
"Hermione? Are you alright? You've barely touched your food and I must admit you don't look too well."
A motherly look seemed to glint in Ginnys eyes as she looked at her friend in slight worry. Hermione's face had paled and begun to look sallow showing the blues and blacks pooling under her honey chestnut eyes.
"Yeah, I'm quite alright Ginny, I've just been feeling a bit under the weather lately is all. I think I might go to the bathroom, I'll see you guys in study hall tonight."
Standing up hesitantly, she left her barley touched plate and drink on there own and left with a hussle after returning her friends goodbyes and get wells and made her way to the bathroom. Thoughts swarmed in her head going ninety miles a minute.
What did I all eat today?
-two buttered rolls
-a little scoop of macaroni and cheese
-half a cup of apple juice
That's too much! It adds on quickly and you'll be able to tell!
Soon her footfalls are coming faster than her frenzied thoughts and she's in a bathroom stall facing forwards into a toilet as her fingers pull hastily out of her mouth before they are sullied. There's a soft muffled giggle and humming outside of the stall she occupies and she knowns immediatly it's Moaning Myrtle.
"You seem awfully sick lately Hermione, especially around lunch and dinner time..."
She leaves in a little knowing giggle fit. Hermione makes a mental note to herself to start using the prefects bathroom after her meals. Quickly throwing her shambled self together she heads to her prefect bedroom to settle down a tad before studyhall. Luckily, she avoids any of her friends in the hall and with a sly mutter of
"Monsters"
She's hidden safely away in the Head Girl & Boy corridor area she shares with the notorious Head Boy, Draco Malfoy. Who shes recently showing her a suspicious amount of personal notice. Catching her thoughts once again and renouncing them from Malfoy she rushes over to her bed to pick up a book, but something catches the corner of her eye. Sun beams glinter off her full length mirror in different shades of orange and pink beconning and mocking her all at the same time. Entranced almost she walks over to the mirror and stares all the while turning every angle to asess herself. Disgust fills her whole being and face as she makes a verbal list of everything that needs work.
"Fat wide hips"
"Pudgy arms"
"Thunder thighs"
"Chubby cheeks"
So caught up in her self loathing she doesn't hear the knocking at the door for the first few knocks.
"Hey Granger you alive in there?"
Malfoy keeps pounding on the door to make damn sure she hears him. Post haste she goes to let him in a little too hesitantly. Opening the door she's faced with his tall lanky but muscular stature clad in a little too tight white button up and black slacks. His white hair unkempt and hovering just above his eyes as clear as an oceanshore.
"Take a picture it'll last longer Granger. I've come because Snape has asked for us."
She sighed exerberantly and shuts the door behind her a little too hard as she follows Malfoy without a protest. She makes a mental comment to herself about how she must really be worn out if she didn't even bother to protest or make a witty comeback to Malfoy. Once they reached the professors classroom he requested that they each come in to talk to him seperately and Hermione was first up to bat. With a look nothing short of dread etched on her face she stalks into the room shutting the wooden dungeon like door behind her on a curious looking Malfoy.
"Miss Granger I assume you're wondering why I would like to talk to you..."
Without hesitation she replies in a fake innocent voice,
"Yes sir, what might you need of me?"
Closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose he stands up and leans over his desk and in a dead serious tone addresses her.
"I have noticed lately that you seem very airy and distant mind wise, not to mention your clothes all but seem to hang off of you anymore. I know I don't appear as the type of teacher to care or even want to help a student, but is something wrong Miss Granger?"
The look on her face must have been on pure shock because the worry on his face only seemes to deepen as he realized that something must be amiss and wrong with her. Her cheeks he noted prominetly stuck out from under her flushed skin. Dark circles had formed under her eyes from an obvious lack of sleep. Small freckles that you could hardly even see on her skin when it was a nice golden tan were now blatanly obvious against her sallow pale skin. Her lips curved comfortably into a downward grin and her eyes shone a deep sadness that no one her age should even have to know. She didn't reply for a few good moments as he looked over her face taking in all of it's changes. While he surveyed her face she did the same in return to him. Taking acute notice to the deepening creases on his forhead and around his dark bothered brown eyes that were framed but his almost wet looking black clingy hair. Finally she broke the awkward silence and answered him in a hushed tone.
"No sir, I am quite alright. It's just all these exams and studying that's wearing me out, you know I always have to strive for the very best."
A mocking fake smile dances upon her lips as she weakily tries to convince him that she is perfectly fine and he is just gettin himself worked up for no reason. Searching her face for any sign of a lie he almost seems not to believe her, but then his face hardens back to its normal composure.
"Very well then, you may leave, but be careful about your stufy habits and send Mr. Malfoy in on your way out."
Nodding her head in polite understanding she made her way out and on her way to leave she noticed that when she swung open the door Malfoy was starring at her oddly.
"Maybe you should take your own advice Malfoy and take a picture to last longer. You're up next."
Stabilizing her confidence she leaves it at that and walks off in a shakey false aura back to her room to gather all her books for study hall. Gathering all her books is a breeze to do considering she never really takes them off her desk or out of her bookbag. Always making sure her things are arranged perfect to go along hand in hand with her achieved semblance everyone believes is just how she is. No, no one knows how hard she really works at this. Throwing her bag over her shoulder she does a quick spin around to run off to the great hall when suddenly everything feels unstable and her eyes start to roll up in her head and her breathe catches as she falls over backwards onto the floor. Everything is so blurred she barely feels the floor collide with her body and quicker than that she is out cold sprawled on the floor with her bag now scattered at her side.
Malfoy takes his time walking back to his room muttering in small curses about how Snape's mission for him is ludicrious. Figuring out if his watch starts tonight Malfoy whispers his password to the painting of the caped man and walks through the main room to knock on Hermione's door. When he knocks and calls out to her four times without a response he almost walks away to his own room decideing that she's away he stops. Something seems to catch his ear from the room but he can't come to the conclusion if he really heard it or not. His own curiosity once again gets the best of him and he opens the door to her room to find her in the same spot on the floor where she fell. Without a second thought he is bounding towards her at full speed stopping short of almost trampling her and falls down on his knees at her side.
"Granger! Granger wake up!"
He shakes her in a failed attempt to bring her back to conciousness.
"Shit!"
He mumbles to himself and picks her up bridal style in his arms and lays her ontop of the bed pushing her big bushy brown curls out of her face. Looking quickly over her face he notices how purple her eyelids look and how pale she really is. With a sigh he sits down on the bed next to her cradling his head in his hands while he contemplates what to do. Before he can come to a full conclusion, the bed starts to shift a little bit and he looks to his right to see Hermione trying miserably to push herself up with weary tear clouded eyes. He lets out a small bleat of a laugh knowing that if he doesn't tell her she needs to stop that she will never give up. Always the over baring and over couragious Gryfindor.
"Granger just lay down okay? Or else I fear I will have to take you down to Pomfrey and you and I both know I can't damage my reputation by being seen carrying you through the halls."
They both laugh lightly at his teasing tone before they both are over taken by the awkward realization between them that something like that would cause a catastrophe sized fuss. Settling in quickly the air becomes thick with tension and neither party knows how to appropriatly respond to it.
"Uhm...well I should probably let you sleep then. See you in the morning, Granger."
She should have known it wouldn't be but a few minutes before the old Malfoy she's grown to know and dispise to come back around. Although she was too worn out to tell, the spite in his voice was very weak compared to how strong it normally was. It seemed almost...fake. A heavy feeling almost fire like burned in her chest and not sure of how to respond to it either, she just let sleep carry her away.
The Following Day, 1:47 PM
Her eyes eased open with a hint of hesitation not knowing exactly what had happened last night. Only partly translucent clouds fogged her brain still searching for nurishment to keep it running. While going through her early routine after noting how horribly bad she overslept she slowly started to remember all of the fortnights events. How Snape had treated her almost kindly and how Draco even seemed to follow suite in that guesture. Throwing her stuff together in no real hurry she headed off to her few classes she had left and her day cotinued almost like normal.
Almost.
When owls arrived at dinner time Hermione had come to find she had recieved mutliple letters forwarded from her mother back in Muggle london.
One from Jack.
One from Alejandro.
One from Paulo.
Three pathetic letters mooning over how much they loved their past summer romps with her and how they all hope to see her again when she's back in town.
Something catches her eye though.
And one from who she isn't sure who it's from but it's tied with a deep crimson colored ribbon and the writing is a beautiful calligraphy.
Harry and Ron both plow over into the seats beside her and in a quick embarassment she shoves the letters into her bag and mulls into their conversation about Quiddtach and pretends interest for their sake and her sanity. Though much to her dismay, her mind every once and a while strays away to memories.
Falling backwards onto the couch with Jack falling ontop of her struggling with the buttons of her blouse as she watches idly the shadows they cast on the walls behind them as the sun in the window falls below the tree line.
Dragging her nails through the Italian shore sand as Alejandro hovers over her nibbling on her neck and paying no mind to the fact that at any moment someone could walk upon them.
Shamelessly throwing back shots with Paulo at a sketchy night club...but that. That memory is because of a whole other monster.
Only towards the end of their study hall does she find her hand reaching into her bag stretching her fingers over the mysterious fourth letter. Who could it possibly be from? She couldn't imagine any of the men she had been with could of known her address, let alone have such magnificent calligraphy.
Harry nudging her shoulder and telling her it is time to leave startles her and she immediatly pulls her hand out of her bag and leaves down the corridor with them.
They part ways once she leaves them at the Gryfinndor portrait and heads up the stairs to the Head Boy & Girl rooms. Her heartbeat hitches up for a moment when she thinks of running into the Prince of Slytherin himself as she nears the doorway.
"Monsters."
Feeling a bit of a chill run up her spine she settles on the couch infront of the fireplace and closes her eyes and just lets all the tension flow from her muscles. Not once before she drifts out does she think about Malfoy.
"Seye Brown."
There's a loud sound of a bag being thrown right next to Hermione which sends her shooting right out of the couch to her feet looking around with big doe eyes alert in surprise.
"Good Merlin Granger chill out I was just setting down my stuff. I didn't even notice you were laying down there."
Relaxing she picks up her own bag and throws Malfoy a generic "Of course" look and makes her way to her bedroom.
Malfoy sets where she was laying and watches her dissapear into her room. Watches her hips unconciously sway in attitude. Snow white hair dangling over his steel blue eyes he looks so angelic there's no way he could be so demonic. Or could he?
His thoughts trace back to last evening when he found Granger. Thought about how he carried her wasting away body. Thought about touching her bushy hair and soft ivory skin. Then he realized that he shouldn't be thinking about that, not at all. It isn't his place to be thinking about someone below him like that.
Falling on her bed she opens up her bag and opens the letters one at a time. But of course the first three were horribly yet poetic thrown together strings about how great of times they had with her and how they wouldn't mind her gracing them with her presence once again in the near future. But what she was really just itching to open was the last letter. Gently untying the gorgeous yet tiny ribbon she unfolds the letter and as she reads the contents her jaw slightly drops a bit.
"Though you will not remember me, we had a rendezvous once this past summer and ever since I can't seem to keep the thought of you from roaming into my mind. I have even found myself penning small poems about you. To capture you in my arms once again would be of the greatest pleasure to me.
Until then,
Your forever admiring admirer."
A small note from a different parchment falls out onto her lap and she reads:
"The red lights reflecting off her eyes was like starfire,
A glimpse of a rapture through an angel,
Her body slinking against the rhythm of the music,
My heart pounding against the rhythm of her words,
Nothing is ever this obsurd,
She is the drug that keeps my heart flowing ecstasy,
Yet she is everything and more I can never have."
Her mind was far gone retracing over steps of the men she'd encountered over the summer and trying to figure out just who this man might possibly be that was suddenly starting to make her feel alive again.
-Recalling Last Summer-
She recalls her third night back in muggle London when she snuck out her bedroom window landing on the soft grass with an unexpected crunch when she landed on a large twig. Shuddering in hope her parents are sound asleep she sneaks off into the night to claim it for herself. She may be pushed a side in the wizarding world while Harry is brazened in the lime light but here with the muggles she throws herself into it's grasp and soaks in as much of it as she can before going back and playing the innocent little school girl who does as she's told and shies away to the library to read till her head pounds in excess knowledge.
Hands shoved into the pockets of her torn up black skinny jeans she saunters down one of the main streets and keeps her head held high in self bravo. No one can tear her down anymore because she's as low as she can get and absolutley loving it. Men turn their heads for second glances at her beauty as she keeps past them without a second look. Some women even look on at her with envy or lust as they take in her slender body clad in tight dark clothing that is close to hanging from her curves with every swivel of her hips when she walks in large strides with her stilletos.
Standing outside a rock show talking to the security guard she knows she bums ciggarettes off men who are gracious to even talk to her let alone hear her mutter a deep lusty "thank you" back at them. Staring into their very souls with her hazelnut brown eyes that have seen things they should have never even fanatasize about knowing.
A flash of fists beating flesh into a pulp that instantly turns a violent shade of lavender and ocean blue. A flash of blood spurting from lips that are chapped and chewed from the cold and teeth that tear into them in anxiety. A flash of rope chaffing skin and becoming acquinted well with whispers of mercy. A flash of tall bone thin girls shoving their hip bones out and protruding their cheek bones into the flesh of others as they crawl in their self pity and self medicate by other means.
And she sinks far into all of it and indulges in it. Lets it become her world as the night holds her captive and she slowly becomes its master.
Dominating those who are there only to please her and all the while struggling to hold back all the wrong and pain that is building up inside of her.
Waking up to mornings on the floor clutching the rug as her world spins in anti-climatic circles and knotting her stomach up in knots worthy of a noose as she is suffocated by her own vomit again and again.
Then by the next night it all started over again, a cycle that she didn't even think of breaking as she found herself thrown into another wall, another bed, another back alley, or even yet another bathroom stall. This was as close as she figured she was ever going to get to a true romance.
The weeks went on and her clothes got looser and so did her spirit. Men with dark long black hair, lanky pale blonde hair, curly red hair that would in a glimpse remind her of Ron's, or even yet dark brown soft curls that would remind her of Harry as well. She'd secretly fought a small crush on Harry as well back when he would pay attention to her like a real friend. That was all in the past though and she was living in the now with no intentions of caring about the future. Mostly because she did not plan on the future.
As she drew on her eyeliner and coated her mascara she couldn't help but look only skin deep.
Just thinking back at a glance none of her lovers seemed out of the ordinary. They almost all seemed a like. Blending in bed sheets between bedsheets all only there to satisfy her hungering needs. Feeding the beast lurking far in the cave of her chest that was waiting to get out and tear her world apart with her very hands.
There was one man though she thought...on a night after a rave her friend Radie had invited her too. They had danced away half of the night togther near a speaker, grinding to techno music that they both quickly found their bodies attuned to. Almost as quickly as they attuned to each others bodies. Could it of been him?
She had downed so much Jack Daniels before the evening started so her memory was a blur of a thought. She couldn't put a face with his body but she remembered the way he felt against her in a heartbeat and the feel of his fingers against her skin like it was shooting out pure electricity. Never would she be able to forget that feeling. Anytime she'd thought of it she would brush it off as just a side effect of all the booze and the atmosphere.
But how could she be so sure that it wasn't also from the feeling she got when she read the letter from the mystery man? It had to be from him.
Knock. Knock.
The beating of a hand against Hermione's oak wood door snaps her out of her trance and she swings herself off the bed in a slow pace to open the door.
"What do you want Malfoy?"
She calls out already getting the feeling her patronizing nemesis is standing on the otherside of the door with a scowl on his face.
"The she-Weasel is here to see you Granger. Now let her into your room she is getting on my last nerve."
Standing on the other side he plays with the ring around his finger before he sees the door knob turning and turns away from it and Ginny with that obvious scowl on his face and heads for the small kitchen their Head Dorms have beside the sitting room.