Title: Regrets and Repercussions
Author: Nauta Iupiter
Laptop: Leggie-Lu-Lu
Disclaimer: Yami ni Matusei isn't mine, if it were I'd be making Tsuzuki
physically show his love for Hisoka. ^_~
Warnings: Yaoi (TsuxHiso/HisoxTsu, TatsxTsu, Tats+Hiso)
Comments: This is a first person look into Tatsumi's feelings behind the
obvious love shared between Tsuzuki, his only love, and Hisoka, one of his
closets friends. It stems from something very personal in my own life, and
Tatsumi may be a tad OOC, sorry about that.
Pain. The feeling of your self being destroyed from the inside out. Indescribable. Indefinite. Eternal.
That's what I feel whenever I look at him, whenever I think about him. at them. They are the embodiment of what I could have had, slapping my mistakes, my wrong choices harshly before my face.
They say to love someone, you must let them go. I did and here I am, hurting still for my past transactions. I introduced them, I put them together, it should be no one else's fault but my own for why they are together. I just didn't see this happening. I figured Kurosaki-kun would be just another partner, cast aside like so many others before him. How was I to know that there would be something between them?
I was safe at first, Tsuzuki was mine alone. And as sad as it seems, I was fine with loving him secretly, because foolishly I thought he'd always be there for me, that he was my destined mate and someday he'd feel the same way I did about him. Even with Kurosaki-kun so near, I didn't fear anything. He was just another person around Tsuzuki, and he was so indifferent, I never saw it happening, until it hit me upside the head one day.
I was alone in my office, and Kurosaki-kun came in with such a serious look on his face. I told him to have a seat, curious as to what was plaguing him, and somewhat proud he'd come to me for help. I figured he and I were rather similar, we had a sort of understanding. We'd talk and bear ourselves when we felt like it, other than that we were silent strength for each other. But no matter how accustomed I was to being the boy's confidant, nothing prepared me for the words I was about to hear.
"I think. no, I know. I am in love with Tsuzuki."
He said it so straightforwardly, as if he was unaware how much that idea pained me. He was seeking advice from one of the only people outside of his partner he thought he could turn to. The pressure and the pain were hard to deal with. I could not turn him away, especially knowing how hard it was for him to admit to something like that with people, but I also didn't know how to react. Tsuzuki. was mine. always was meant for me, or so I had thought. But I couldn't let that sway my answer, Kurosaki-kun deserved encouragement, no matter how much it hurt. He deserved. the truth.
"Tell him how you feel. You might be surprised by what you find."
God that had hurt so much to say, to encourage the boy to go to MY Tsuzuki, but I couldn't be selfish. He had turned to me and he deserved a supportive, encouraging response. I'm not a very open person, but even I couldn't turn away that sort of need. So I continued to help him, encourage him slowly until things became as they are now.
Tsuzuki and Hisoka. Together.
I am happy that they found happiness at last, they both deserve it. No matter how much I love Tsuzuki, I love Kurosaki-kun too, even if it's more brotherly than lustful. I couldn't have lied to him, scared him off. It wasn't either's fault that I never acted when I had the chance. I had just been too afraid. But I forfeited my time, and now it is there's. They took the chance, and this is their reward.
Still, silently, I watch the two of them and I wonder what could have been. Kurosaki-kun and I are very similar in many ways, it's not hard to slip into his role. In fact, it's too easy, and sometimes I find myself stuck, not wanting to get out, but knowing I cannot stay. It is all merely a fantasy, a dream that now can never be.
He still comes to talk to me, thank me for helping him and seek out answers to his problems. I wish he noticed that behind my kind, helping words, I am slowly dying. Every bit of this relationship is a slap in the face. Too much regret, jealously, sorrow, longing, and attachment, to both of them, a love and a friend.
Thus, I asked for reassignment. I cannot bear to watch anymore, the pain is too much. I know that I am just running away again, but sometimes I think it's for the best for all of us. Now they can be happy and I will not be tempted to break them up, nor will I silently suffer and put a negative vibe amidst their loving aura. It's sad saying good-bye to all my friends, to leave what I knew, but it's the only way. It's too painful staying here.
Sayonara my Tsuzuki and Hisoka!
Pain. The feeling of your self being destroyed from the inside out. Indescribable. Indefinite. Eternal.
That's what I feel whenever I look at him, whenever I think about him. at them. They are the embodiment of what I could have had, slapping my mistakes, my wrong choices harshly before my face.
They say to love someone, you must let them go. I did and here I am, hurting still for my past transactions. I introduced them, I put them together, it should be no one else's fault but my own for why they are together. I just didn't see this happening. I figured Kurosaki-kun would be just another partner, cast aside like so many others before him. How was I to know that there would be something between them?
I was safe at first, Tsuzuki was mine alone. And as sad as it seems, I was fine with loving him secretly, because foolishly I thought he'd always be there for me, that he was my destined mate and someday he'd feel the same way I did about him. Even with Kurosaki-kun so near, I didn't fear anything. He was just another person around Tsuzuki, and he was so indifferent, I never saw it happening, until it hit me upside the head one day.
I was alone in my office, and Kurosaki-kun came in with such a serious look on his face. I told him to have a seat, curious as to what was plaguing him, and somewhat proud he'd come to me for help. I figured he and I were rather similar, we had a sort of understanding. We'd talk and bear ourselves when we felt like it, other than that we were silent strength for each other. But no matter how accustomed I was to being the boy's confidant, nothing prepared me for the words I was about to hear.
"I think. no, I know. I am in love with Tsuzuki."
He said it so straightforwardly, as if he was unaware how much that idea pained me. He was seeking advice from one of the only people outside of his partner he thought he could turn to. The pressure and the pain were hard to deal with. I could not turn him away, especially knowing how hard it was for him to admit to something like that with people, but I also didn't know how to react. Tsuzuki. was mine. always was meant for me, or so I had thought. But I couldn't let that sway my answer, Kurosaki-kun deserved encouragement, no matter how much it hurt. He deserved. the truth.
"Tell him how you feel. You might be surprised by what you find."
God that had hurt so much to say, to encourage the boy to go to MY Tsuzuki, but I couldn't be selfish. He had turned to me and he deserved a supportive, encouraging response. I'm not a very open person, but even I couldn't turn away that sort of need. So I continued to help him, encourage him slowly until things became as they are now.
Tsuzuki and Hisoka. Together.
I am happy that they found happiness at last, they both deserve it. No matter how much I love Tsuzuki, I love Kurosaki-kun too, even if it's more brotherly than lustful. I couldn't have lied to him, scared him off. It wasn't either's fault that I never acted when I had the chance. I had just been too afraid. But I forfeited my time, and now it is there's. They took the chance, and this is their reward.
Still, silently, I watch the two of them and I wonder what could have been. Kurosaki-kun and I are very similar in many ways, it's not hard to slip into his role. In fact, it's too easy, and sometimes I find myself stuck, not wanting to get out, but knowing I cannot stay. It is all merely a fantasy, a dream that now can never be.
He still comes to talk to me, thank me for helping him and seek out answers to his problems. I wish he noticed that behind my kind, helping words, I am slowly dying. Every bit of this relationship is a slap in the face. Too much regret, jealously, sorrow, longing, and attachment, to both of them, a love and a friend.
Thus, I asked for reassignment. I cannot bear to watch anymore, the pain is too much. I know that I am just running away again, but sometimes I think it's for the best for all of us. Now they can be happy and I will not be tempted to break them up, nor will I silently suffer and put a negative vibe amidst their loving aura. It's sad saying good-bye to all my friends, to leave what I knew, but it's the only way. It's too painful staying here.
Sayonara my Tsuzuki and Hisoka!