A/N: I got the idea for this story while listening to the song "In the meantime", and I hope you like it.
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Have you ever met the guys who are the underdogs? The ones who never get anything completely right? Well, folks, I am dropped in that category. My whole entire life is a sob story, and could drive you to perhaps a tear. This curse has also extended to my love life. I've gotten the girl, lost the girl, cheated on the girl, impregnated the girl, manipulated the girl- and after that all this shit, I've always almost been able to get the girl back. On my future tombstone should be written, "Oh baby, I need you, and not to mention I am the biggest piece of shit in the universe…" Because, truthfully, I need this line more than I need anything else.
The first girl, Emma Nelson, I never actually had. She was just a foolish grade seven who had a crush on the new kid, only to find out that he had his eye on someone else- Her best friend, Manuela Santos. Oh, Manny. This girl has no number, and like hemorrhoids, she's the itch that'll never go away. As it turns out, she's still in my life, ultimately screwing up my karma. Funny how things work out…
The next one up is Ashley Kerwin, the screwed up apple of my eye. While being exiled by every skank in Degrassi, she turned to me- the kid who had the abusive father, and manic fits. Despite all of this, our relationship was ok- with her cranking out the depressing, terrible poetry, and me, trying to get into her pants. It was alright up to the point when I cheated on her with none other than Manny Santos. She wanted nothing to do with me after that, and became even more bitter. I, on the other hand, was still screwing up- even getting Manny pregnant. Shocker. We decided to give it another try, and she stayed. Until I got diagnosed with being a bipolar freak, and then she decided that in hindsight that it was better to bail off to cheery England. And I don't blame her.
But the one that I really want to talk about is a girl by the name of Eleanor Nash. Once my Eleanor Nash. To tell you the truth, I'm surprised that with all of her "fuck you, I'm a super bitch" bravado that she would have any interest in me. But she did. It was like a game of hide and seek with us. I would do something utterly stupid to her, and she, would well take it. She was different, and didn't mind hearing me babble about mindless crap. In a way, she understood. So it didn't really help much when I ended abusing a myriad of drugs, and she having to be the first one to know. And being there when I went off to rehab. But I wasn't going to let her get away, because I've never been able to lose the girl. Not completely. So I wrote her letters, most of them probably not making any sense, but all with the underlying theme that I needed her back. And this being a surprise, she actually responded. And came back. I was committed; I told her I was, whispering it into her ears frequently. Not forgetting to say the "I love you's." And this all led to the opened pregnancy test in the trash, the crying. But I was committed, in this for the long haul. And it turns out that I was; enduring the six months after that of over exaggerated bitchiness, the stealing of my tee shirts, and watching her eat the craziest shit like fudge poptarts with mustard and green jello. Then it happened. She stopped growing bigger, and me, Craig Manning had my dick thrown in the dirt by the crying lump of flesh in front of me.
"Can I hold it?"
"What do you think?"
She felt too light, too fragile. Her name was Annalexia, weight in at 4 pounds, six ounces. I didn't like her name; in fact I thought it was the stupidest name I ever heard. But Ellie like. And far be it from me to argue with a woman who had just popped something out that was once living in her uterus. So it stuck. And I promised to be there for her, to be there for Anna. I gave up trying to be a musician again, and stayed by Annalexia, all the way up until she was seven. And then me and Ellie got into a fight about curtains, but when really, we were both fed up with each other- and wanted any excuse to yell incessantly at the top of our lungs. She threw my crap into a suitcase, and put them next to the door. She said that she was going to talk to Anna, that she would take care of it- and that she just wanted me to go. I crept out late that night, and left Anna a note on her nightstand. I wonder if she got it. I didn't know where else to go but Manny's. It was inevitable that I would. And she took me in, away from my daughter, and the woman who I claimed to love.
Hey, I'm no angel.
I stood outside the house with red door, and waited for the perfect opportunity to knock. This was now. I heard someone coming to the doorway, and waited.
"Hell-. Oh, it's you." I watched Annalexia stand in the doorway, obviously inheriting her all of Ellie's bitchy traits, with her arms crossed over her chest. Her hair was as deep of a red as Ellie's, and curly. I looked at her eleven year old frame, and wanted to cry. I was thankful that she didn't look at all like me.
"Hey, kiddo."
She rolled her eyes, and opened the door more to let me in. The house looked different because of the new paint on the walls. There were little pictures of Ellie and Annalexia, which wasn't a big surprise, except the one of the two of them on the coffee table. Anna led me into the living room.
"What do you want, Dad?"
"So now it's a crime for a guy to want to see his daughter?"
"Whatever." She rolled her eyes again. I wondered what was with teenagers and doing that. I sat down on the couch.
"Where's your mom?"
"She's at work. Where normal adults usually are at this time." Ouch. She also inherited her mother's sarcasm.
"I work."
"So how's..Manny?" I could tell that she truly didn't want to know about Manny. They had met two years ago at a picnic at Em's house, and ever since she met the woman who stole her daddy's heart she's always had some type of animosity. But Annalexia has manners.
"She's fine."
"Well…that's good. Tell her that I said hi, or something."
"I will." Crickets were chirping outside. My stomach grumbled slightly. "You hungry?"
"Does that mean that you want something to eat?"
"Yeah, sure."
5 minutes after Anna threw everything into the microwave, she sat on the opposite side of the table watching me eat my gai moo pan; while I was trying to maneuver the art of chopsticks.
"Gai moo pan, gai moo pan, gai moo pan, gai moo pan…the more times you say it, the funnier it sounds."
"What the hell do you want dad?"
"Hey, watch your mouth kid."
"Look who's talking." She took a drink of her soda. "Anyways hell isn't that bad of a word. Everybody says it."
"And who's everybody?" Sometimes I cringe at how much of a parent I sound like. These were one of those times.
"You. But seriously dad, why are you here?"
"I thought I already told you."
"No, you didn't."
" I liked it better when you couldn't talk."
After that, it was an awkward silence between us both, and I continued to eat my gai moo pan. When I was finished, I looked at Annalexia. She looked so much like Ellie. And the only thing that looked like mine's was her eyes. They were the same exact shape.
"So, how are you doing in school?"
"Dad, stop it. Ok?"
"Ok." She looked at me.
"I'm one of the top students in my class. Right behind Myrtle."
"Who the hell has the name Myrtle…"
"She does." She said, cracking a little grin. I didn't make anything of it. And digged into the white rice.
"Well, I'm proud of you anyways, kid. How would you feel if me…, me and your mom got back together?" I waited for her face. She looked at me as if I were the highest guy on the universe, and started to drink her soda.
"Dad?"
"What?"
"Are you on drugs?"
"No. Just think about it. We could all go down to New York like you've wanting to do…"
"I've already been to New York. Aunty Emma took me down there this year over Christmas break. And anyways, there's no way. Mom hates you."
"Oh, ok then, well haven't you ever thought that it was you that she hated?"
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I stood out on Ellie's porch, pacing in circles. I couldn't believe what had come out of my mouth, and it all came out like crap. I had to keep on pacing, even if it was 45 degrees out, I couldn't stop. Annalexia didn't believe an ounce of what I was saying, and neither did I, so I played it off.
Getting back with Ellie? Only in my nicest dreams.
I walked back to my "home", which was Manny's apartment. She lived in the congested downtown apartments, trying to keep up with all the chic 21 year olds. It was filled with everything from a IKEA catalog, I always felt like I was coming into a metal death trap. When I opened the door, the shiny, new stainless steel blinded me. The whole place was filled with Manny's pictures, showing how vain she was. My eyes went over the red Les Paul in the corner. I hadn't picked it up in years, and was dusty as hell. Manny flaunted it when hosting parties, and used it as a way to say that her boyfriend was a serious musician. And sometimes I would retreat out of my room, and away from watching another mindless MTV reality show, to play a few chords. I picked it up, and held it in my hands. I strummed it, it being severely out of tune, but decided to play it anyways. I strummed it lightly, playing some chords, all of it being introduced to my ears again. It felt like home, like something familiar. The playing became louder, and I became immersed in it. So much that I didn't hear Manny coming through the door.
"Oh, your finally deciding to play that thing. I was about to give it to the salvation army…" She stood there for a minute. Waiting for me to acknowledge her presence. But when I didn't, she huffed and puffed, and sat down on the couch.
"Craig, we have to talk."
"Ok, yeah, sure. A little later, babe." I could tear my hands away from the thing.
"No, I can't wait anymore, Craig. We're both up to our asses in bills Craig, and I'm the only person holding a steady job in this relationship."
"I work, Manny."
"Yeah, I know you do baby, but not enough."
"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I stopped playing for a minute.
"Don't raise your voice at me. Ok? All I'm saying is that Craig, you're not 21 anymore, and you can't just work at odd jobs for the rest of your life…"
"I call bullshit on that one."
"Whatever, Craig. All I know is that this apartment can't pay for itself."
"So, you're saying that I can't provide!" I stood up. She had done it. But when I wanted to say something, all I could picture was Ellie's face. Ellie sitting on the couch, yelling back at me. And then I was at a lost for words.
"You know what Craig, I think it's time for us to go our separate ways."
I didn't bother saying anything else, and went into the bedroom to get my things. Manny watched me from the doorway, with my arm crossed. I threw random shit into a duffle bag, and grabbed my guitar case from inside the closet. I could have ripped up all of her pictures, and ruined a lot of shit. But I was happy, genuiwinely happy that I was breaking up with Manny. It was way past time. I went back into the living room, and put the les paul into it's respected case. I put on my leather jacket. This was all I need right now. Manny gave me a "sad" look, because to be truthful, she used up all her tears on me a long time ago. I waved bon voyage, and left. When I got outside the apartment, the cold air slapped my face. I looked up at the murky sky. It was a dark purple. I looked over at Manny window, to see if she had changed her mind. But instead, a whole white cloud of papers came swirling out of the window. I bent down and picked one up. They were my old song lyrics, and now getting wet on the pavement. So much for being a grown up. I leaned up against the wall.
I guess this time I had finally lost the girl.
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