I couldn't breathe as I looked at him, my full lips parted as I tried to think of something to stop him from leaving. "Jake..." my voice trailed off as I closed my eyes. "Please, don't do this to me." He didn't know how much he meant to me, how could me?
My heart ached as he said, "I have to. Its for the best." His hands slipped into his worn out jean pockets, his long dark hair hung around his face as his dark eyes searched mine. "I'm sorry, Bells."
"No," I said, shaking my head slowly as all the color drained from my face. "You aren't."
Say your sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
His words were like knifes, cutting slowly into me. Carving out parts of me that I wanted to keep for the rest of my life but it seemed like he wanted them for himself as well. This was a bad way to break someone's heart but he could be heartless sometimes even if he didn't realize it at the time. This was one of the times. Lies, the beating, and the heartbreak, was he worth this? Somewhere in my mind a voice said, no.
But my heart said the opposite, he was worth it. Maybe that's because he held me heart by a string, ready to break it. Or ready to leave it hanging.
That's when the tears started down my pale cheeks that used to hold color but I wiped them away furiously, I couldn't be weak at this moment. Not around him when he was this way. I had to show that it didn't matter, that I was fine with being alone.
That at this one moment, I wouldn't need him.
Holdin' on
Stupid girl, I should've known
I should've known
I stared at him, now refusing to wipe away my tears now. I let them stream down my face and blurr my vision as I looked at his blank expression. The only thing that held any emotion was his eyes which held the tears I knew he'd never shed. Not for me. He was that type, he just didn't want to show that he was weak.
He wasn't always tough.
I didn't want to believe it, I just couldn't. All of it had been lies, every word, every moment. But I'd knew it for the start, it had all been to good at the beginning. My hand came up to the bruise on my arm as I glanced away. He didn't want me. I should've seen that but now it was as clear as day.
Maybe I was naive
Got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance
My mistake I didn't know to be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
"Bella," he murmured, his low gruff voice was void of any emotion. "I can't be with you, not now. Not anymore. I'm not good for you, you deserve someone better. I don't want you to be with a guy like me. I am not good enough for you." His eyes moved away from me as he took a deep breath and I felt like I'd never be able to do that again.
Breathe.
I had so many dreams about you and me
Happy endings,
Now I know...
I unfroze at his words, solving the puzzle in my mind. The tears stopped as anger replaced the sadness. He wasn't good for me? What world did he live in, honestly? He was everything I described myself with, he was my everything thing.
He wasn't perfect, yes but he was the only thing I had that was close to perfect. This was unfair and... hard. But as my mind continued to break down the words, four words stood out. I found my voice or enough it to say, "You don't want me?"
It came out as more of a question then a statement. I didn't believe it, I didn't want to. Though I already knew.
That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
His dark eyes looked straight at me, almost through me as he said, "No." That was when he finally tore his gaze away from me, his hands curling into fist.
My heart began to race, in the bad way as I tried to think this through. He didn't want me, he was leaving me, and I would be alone. Try to be reasonable with him, I thought to myself. Try. "Oh-h o-k-kay..." my voice broke as a new round of tears came out. "I guess this is goodbye."
He nodded slowly before pressing his lips to my forehead, giving me a slight warmth. "Goodbye Bells."
This ain't Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
I collapsed against the tree I had been using for support as I watched him walk away. Hopefully where ever he was going and whoever he was going to be with, he'd be happy. I turned around, my head leaning again the bark. I took a deep breath before letting out a loud yell, trying to get out my frustation.
I started to walk away from the tree before turning back to the tree and hit it hard, wincing as my hand made impact. "Damnit," I yelled as tears began to stream. "Why wasn't I good enough?!" I sat down on the muddy ground and leaned against the tree.
Why wasn't I?
Now its too late for you and your white horse
To come around
There was three things I was sure of after that.
First; he was gone and he'd taken my heart with him. I'd never seen it again, and thats what scared me. What if I wanted to love someone?
Second; I couldn't let someone get me like that. Ever. I didn't want to get hurt again, maybe never letting anyone in would help.
Third; Our past was my only future.
Now its too late for you and your white horse
To catch me now.