DISCLAIMER: "Stargate SG-1/Atlantis" and its characters are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Film Corp., Sci-fi and USA Networks, Inc. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended.

I apologise in advance for the major Angst, it was just a an angsty depressed bunny in my head and I needed to vent it.

Bearer

There's a feeling of gut regret now, infringing on the numb pain. The phone receiver stays ever silent and at the ready, buttons ready to place a call, but I can't bring myself to pick it up. It shouldn't have to be like this, this is something that should be done face to face, not over the phone. Maybe I'm just telling myself that, and excuse so I don't have to talk to him. That I can put it off for a few hours.

Am I really willing to get on a plane and fly those few hours so I can give the news personally? In one way it would be the right thing to do. He shouldn't be alone when I tell him, Teal'c would probably insist on coming, maybe to be that steady rock that he may need. Personally I think I need that steady rock also.

Why did I insist it be me that tell him? Landry was willing to do it, maybe because he knew I'd hesitate. On one hand I should have that phone to my ear and be talking to him, and on the other, I'm still waiting for it to sink in myself. Perhaps the world has stopped turning, maybe time has stood still. Maybe this is all a dream, a whole lot of maybe, but an incredible, defining feeling that it's all real. I shouldn't be putting this off, pick up the receiver, dial the number, unless he's really, busy, he'll take your call.

But what do I say? I'm still trying to process it myself. I'm not sure I want to say the words, to say them would mean it was true and I'm still waiting for that moment when you realise you are dreaming and your about to wake up. What kind of nightmare puts you through this kind of trauma, and then forces you to phone your best friend to tell him about it.

I should be there; I keep getting that nagging feeling in my head. Do I call him and then go to him, or do I just go and tell him. He'll know something's up, we never arrive unannounced, any of us. If I ring he'll know from the sound of my voice, that is if I can actually form the words, any words to tell him. Maybe he'll just guess, maybe he already knows, like he knows he'd missing something and he just can't place his finger on what it is.

If I don't call him, if I can just stay sat here in the generals office, blinds drawn, doors closed off, I can pretend it isn't real, none of it happened. The past few hours didn't occur, time has stood still and this is now my dream, stuck in a small room where time doesn't pass and I don't have to call my best friend and tell him...

He should be here, when I call him he'll be on the first plane here. There'll be some serious intervention to be made to make sure he doesn't try and heap any guilt on himself. We'll have to make sure he doesn't blame himself, or worse, blame someone else. The military in him will kick in just as hard as the man.

I should have let Teal'c come with me to do this, right now his silence would have been reassuring. Why did I think I could do this alone? Right now part of me wants to hold someone, just to make sure I'm still alive because I'm so numb that I can't tell whether my heart is still beating. Another part of me wants to go mad, up turning this desk feels like a good idea right about now, and then maybe I could let that eagle statue what I really think of it as I set it in flight right through the window. Yet I can't form thought in my head, so many flashes, moments, conversations and then nothing, nothing but four grey walls and a phone waiting to place a call.

Deep breaths, a few deep breaths and before I know it my body reacting faster than my head can keep up and automatically pressing a few buttons that puts through a direct line to him. What am I doing, why am I doing this? Because he's my friend, because it wouldn't feel right someone else doing this. Because this is what the job if best friend entails, taking the good with the bad or in this the down right nightmarish.

"Daniel"

I can barely hear his voice over the loud booming in my ears, I think it's my heart, or maybe the blood rushing to brain cells as I try to process a sentence. He sounds cheery as he says my name. God this is all wrong, within my next string of words I'm going to turn his whole world upside down and there's no warning I can give him. He doesn't sound cheery anymore, he knows, he knows something's wrong because I'm still trying to form a sentence in my head and haven't been able to say one word yet, but he knows its me and my not talking is in itself disconcerting considering its me.

"Daniel, you ok?"

No I'm not ok; I don't know what I am. And I don't know how your gonna be, I don't want to say it, because saying the words brings some finalisation to this nightmare that is currently going on, but I can't not say it because to keep you wondering is cruel and unkind.

"Dan..."

He starts to say again, becoming a little impatient as well as anxious as I interrupt him

"Jack"

I manage to choke out, the name sticks in my throat and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the rest of this conversation. He's went eerily silent and he must know even from the one moment he heard my voice that something is terribly wrong. I wonder if his mind is reeling as much as mine is right now as I try and assemble some words to tell him, I take a deep breath and start.

"Jack, it's about Sam"

End