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AN: This story is a joint production between me and my friend and fellow writer, ArashiAkurei. We were reading one of our classic and favorite stories, and we decided to make a crack story that we thought was absolutely hilarious. Set in an alternate universe, this story is seen through Haruhi's eyes. Story is rated M for Mature because of language. Haruhi is OOC in this, I guess. She's more independent and blunter than usual, and she knows her way with words. Well, enough notes and more reading! Go read! Go!
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Chapter 1
And It All Goes Downhill From There
All I ever really wanted during the summer was to spend time with my dad and get a decent job so I can start saving up for college. But even a simple plan like that f---ed up royally for me and left me stranded in the ass-end of nowhere with hot guys and crazy chicks. Okay, so you probably don't know what I'm talking about so I'll start from the beginning.
Now, you see. It really started out innocently--just one of those day-to-day things you know? My father was obsessed with the fact that I was his daughter, and he wanted me to have a bright and promising future like most parents do. However, he insisted that I meet with a friend of his in San Francisco... now that I think about it, I don't even know how they met and why they're still talking. Especially when the difference between their social status is so different, it blinds you.
The thing is! His friend is the third son of a wealthy businessman... Ootori Kyouya. Nice, well kept black hair and frameless glasses, and that nice smile that you can't help but appreciate. I thought the dinner date would go off without a hitch. From now on, I will always follow my gut instincts and not my brain.
Whenever famous celebrities go and decide to do whatever they want, the paparazzi follow. And so, you have to learn to expect things like that when you're dating someone of the status. What I didn't expect, however, was for the glass doors of the restaurant to be shattered and for a large yakuza to show up, pointing their guns at the two of us. Do you want to know what my first reaction was?
"Oh, SHIT."
The next thing I didn't expect was seeing three guys jumping through the barren doors that were once made out of glass, and through the restaurant and into a door that presumably led to the kitchens. I didn't blame those guys for running as fast as I saw them run. There was a huge mob of girls…Scratch that. They were a group of rabid fan girls that screamed, "Marry me, Tamaki!" and "I love you!"
"HAVE MY BABIES!!"
Yes, I swore I heard someone scream that also.
I took this as the perfect opportunity to escape from the yakuza pointing their guns at Kyoya and me. I grabbed his hand and tried to get us to blend through the mob of fan girls, but that was not a smart move. Okay, I should have followed my brain this time.
I didn't know where I was going, but I managed to get into the doors those three guys went into. I could hear the yakuza guys trying to make their way around the crazy fan girls so they could follow me. Ugh, I would hate to be a celebrity. Sure the money is good, but the fame/crazy fan girls/fan boys are too much.
So, in the midst of all this mayhem, we (as in the three boys and I) ended up in the kitchen. The chefs were looking at us like we just came from the circus. A woman stepped forward with a serious glare. I was sure she was the head chef since she looked rather haughty and important.
"You know, this is a restricted area. Now get out of my kitchen!" She yelled.
This woman was not only proud looking and a little short, but she scared me a little. Her dark hair was in a ponytail, but I knew it was actually quite short since I could detect several black bobby pins under the hair tie. She had oval, black-rimmed glasses, but to me, it was like she could only see through one of her black eyes since she had bangs going across her face and over her right eye.
"Please miss!" One of the boys begged. "Let us hide here until those fan girls leave!"
The woman scoffed. "It's not easy being famous, is it?"
"Your fame is none of our concern really." Another chef answered with a deep voice. This chef was short, had several random strands and streaks of copperish-red/gold hair with black as the natural color. The chef's eyes were honey-brown, and had tan skin. The chef wore an angry look. This person scared me as well.
I had to look closely because this person looked like a boy. Maybe it was a girl, but I was almost certain it was a boy. Gender confusion anyone?
"Yes, that's right Jun." The head chef answered. She picked up one of the unused woks and pointed it at the three boys. It the first time I actually noticed they were hiding on the ground, against the center stoves. "Now, get out of my kitchen."
The chef named Jun finally spotted me and said, "We have another one in here, Chef Misaki."
Misaki pointed the wok at me this time. The look on her face was menacing. "And why are you in here?"
"Yeah, well, the whole yakuza--"
"There they are! GET THEM!!"
It was instantaneous. The chefs in the kitchen reverted from "I'm happily cooking food for the patrons" to "OMGWTFBBQ!!!!1111KJBFKJSFDGETTHEFUCKOUTTAMYKITCHENORIMMAMAIMYOU!!"
I am not even kidding about that reaction. As soon as those huge yakuza guys plowed right through into the kitchen, the chefs went crazy. Maybe perhaps under the head chef's influence? I think so!
I quickly dove behind the center stoves where the three guys were. Doing so, I was able to get a better look of those three guys. The most distinct on was the closest to me. He was tall and had light brown hair, which you could swear it was blond. He also had unique purple-ish blue eyes. The other two were identical twins. They were also tall, and had light reddish-brown hair and hazel eyes.
I knew who these were. This blond was Suoh Tamaki, and he was a famous male model from some fashion magazine, and the twins were the famous designers, Hikaru and Kaoru, the Hitachiin twins.. Now looking back, how did I know this? The answer came to me when I thought of my dad. He reads that magazine.
Either way, one chef emptied the contents of a huge wok just to smash it in one of the yakuza member's face. The head chef smashed another yakuza member into the burning hot stove and he started bawling like a little baby because his hair was on FIRE.
In my eyes, Misaki was not only proud looking, but she was quite intimidating now. The same could have been said with the chef named Jun. Both picked up fallen guns from off the floor: Misaki with a shotgun and Jun with a machine gun. Misaki cocked the shotgun up at the yakuza with a bright smile on her face. Jun also raised the gun, but there was only a scowl on his (her?) face.
"Boys and girls, are these your friends?" Misaki asked.
The four of us peeked from our hiding spot.
"No." we said in unison.
"Oh, they're not your friends then?"
All I can say is this: these yakuza guys had terrible aim. When I mean by "terrible", I mean "TERRIBLE". It is kind of like in the movies when the bad guys are shooting an array of bullets at the heroes and the heroes don't even get hit. Once.
As if things couldn't get bad enough, one of the idiots hit the gas tank for the stove. Again, let me tell my reaction.
"Oh, SHIT."
It happened in a blink of an eye: the gas ignited, and the chefs--already anticipating this, grabbed the four of us by the cuffs of our necks and single-handedly threw us out the backdoor just as the kitchen burst into flames.
In the next few minutes or so, all the chefs appeared outside, their uniforms were burnt in some places and ashen gray. We knew that the kitchen fire was put out now. The last ones to leave the kitchen were Misaki and Jun, who I might add were still holding the shotgun and machine gun.
Okay, mental note to myself: never, ever hide in the kitchen of a restaurant because God forbid that the chefs will be as crazy as the ones of this place.
That is when, suddenly, I remembered Kyouya. We had gotten separated when I tried blending in with the fan girls. I looked around wildly. Where was he? I don't know if it was coincidence or what, but when I turned at the right moment, I saw Kyouya being shoved into the back seat of a car before it drove away.
All I could think of was what I saw. Yakuza…Kyouya being taken hostage… What was going on here?! I could see a whirl of lights, but I was beginning to feel a little faint. I could hear that crazy head chef Misaki and her assistant Jun saying things like, "The yakuza tried to rob our restaurant".
Maybe they would have been just a tad more convincing if they dropped the guns they were holding or thrown them back into the fire.
I was starting to feel sick to my stomach. If Kyouya's father found out about his abduction, my dad will suffer the brunt of any and all accusations! I was an inch away from just getting a car and driving after them, but I know I wouldn't be able to catch up. So I settled for crumpling to the floor. I really needed to be calm if I was ever going to figure out anything about what to do now.
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After several hours, we (as in me, those celebrities and the crazy-ass chefs) were back at my house. I was pacing, still stressing out. Kyouya was intelligent, yes, but I have no idea how he'd fare against the whole yakuza. Minus five or so that we blew up in the restaurant.
My dear father was upset. He was seriously ripping his hair out, about to burst to tears. And, from a twist of fate, I found out that Tamaki was not only a model, but also a business associate of Kyouya's corporation. That didn't explain who he exactly was though, and I felt that we can't communicate very well if we didn't know who the other person was. So it was time for (formal and proper) introductions.
"I," He did this very elaborate twirl before curtsying, "am Suoh Tamaki, male model from the Runway magazine. These two twins, that's Kaoru and that's Hikaru---"
"I'm Hikaru!"
"I'm Kaoru!!"
"--are my fellow assistants, and they own their own clothing line!"
"But watch out for milord though. He's a real prick at times." The twins added while Tamaki scowled.
Well, I already knew who they were, but I guess being introduced properly wouldn't hurt.
"I'm Fujioka Haruhi. I'm a student trying to earn money for college." I replied. I pointed to my dad. "This is my dad. As you can see he is an okama, but that isn't quite a surprise here in San Francisco."
All heads turned to the two crazy chefs, Misaki and Jun. The head chef went first.
"Hi, my name is Yoshikuni Misaki, the head chef who was fired from her job for defending her kitchen from the yakuza because they were after three celebrities and some girl." She introduced. She had a fake smile on her face, and it was very much like the one she had before when she was holding that shotgun. "Now I am a 22 year-old woman with no job and income because my kitchen was blown up and I was blamed for it." She turned to Jun and said, "Jun, it is your turn now."
"I'm Xian WuYi Jun." Jun answered. S/he still wore a scowl on his/her face. "I, too, was fired for defending the kitchen from yakuza. Now I don't have any income, and I am sure no other restaurant will want to hire me because I "aided" in the eruption."
"Don't mind Jun's face." Misaki commented. "She always wears that angry look whether she is happy or not."
Oh! So Jun really was a woman! She must get confused for a man a lot. It must be that hair.
Who am I kidding? My hair has been cut like a boy's ever since some neighborhood kid stuck gum in my hair. I know how Jun feels to be mistaken for a boy.
"Haruhi, you seem to be a little tense." My dad commented.
"A little?" I asked. "Of course, I am stressed. The yakuza pointed guns a me and Kyoya, and then kidnapped him." I ran my hand through my short hair.
"Maybe they only wanted Kyouya." My dad suggested hopefully.
"I disagree." Jun answered. "If they only wanted Kyouya, then why did they follow Haruhi to the kitchens?"
"Good point."
"If the yakuza really are after you, then you should find a safe place to crash." Jun advised. "Go on a trip with friends or something."
Why would the yakuza be after me? How am I so important that I have to be kidnapped?
Tamaki raised his hand excitedly.
"The twins and I have a vacationing house in San Diego!" He exclaimed. The twins nodded enthusiastically.
This guy was so unbelievable. He was acting like a little kid! And a vacation house in San Diego? Did they really expect me to go with them to this house even though I just met them? Were they crazy?
"That sounds fantastic!" My dad gushed. "Haruhi, make sure you take a lot of pictures and send them to me!"
…
Wait, what?
"I know that you and Jun should go hunting for a new job, but how about you take a vacation and go with them?" my dad asked Misaki and Jun.
"A vacation sounds tempting." Misaki replied. "Sure thing, I'll go."
"Really? A vacation? Misaki and I are twenty-two, so we would practically be these kids' guardians." Jun commented dully.
"Would you?" My dad asked sweetly.
"I don't—"
Misaki punched Jun in the arm, and she punched her former superior boss back, each glaring at each other.
The girl sighed heavily. "FINE."
So that is how I got stuck with three gorgeous guys and two crazy girls on a beach in San Diego. AND I DID NOT KNOW THEM ALL THAT WELL. I so wanted to kill my dad right now. So much for getting a job and earning money for college. Note to self: even though Misaki and Jun are legal for alcoholic drinks, it would be best to keep those two away from them. Who knows what might happen when you mix their bizarre personalities and alcohol together?
Oh, no. What have I gotten myself into? I'm stranded here with no way out. Someone? Anyone? Save me!
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Ootori Kyouya was not a man to panic. Even though he was tied up, he remained with a calm composure, and even with a cunning smile. It would be useless to panic whatsoever.
"What are you smiling for?" a gruff man asked.
"Oh nothing. But I am guessing that you want a large sum of money, right?" He asked. "I'll hand over as much as you want just as long as you don't harm me in any possible way."
"How can we trust you?"
"Are you saying that an heir of Ootori Corporation would do such a shameful thing such as lying?"
"Fine then."
"Excellent. Will you please untie me then?"
The gruff man did so. Kyoya rubbed his neck a little, running his fingers over a mole on his neck. Of course, it wasn't a mole. It was a bug, and he kept one on him all time for safety purposes. As soon as he ran his finger over it, it was activated.
"Welcome aboard, Ootori-sama."
"Thank you." Kyouya looked around the dark room. "Now that I am giving you a large sum of money, would you like to tell me where we are?"
"We are in…"