Author Notes: This is a oneshot I broke into three sections. Trigger warnings apply for this part. Suicidal thoughts. Depression.
Part 1
Cold Booths and Warm Baths
It was a grey misty morning, the air delivering a sharp chill to his bones as he shuffled towards the tiny shelter, which also doubled as his workstation. He rubbed his hands and blew on his gloved appendages, hurrying the closer he got to his destination.
Knocking on the small guard door hurt, the cold still biting into him. Moments later a clasp was undone and a lock clicked from within. A warm wedge of light greeted Roxas and even warmer air melted the icicles forming around his eyelashes.
"Quick, quick. All the heat's getting out!" a dark shadow blocking out the light informed.
Roxas pushed in, door locked shut behind and he sighed with relief, shaking droplets of melted snow off his jacket in the too small toll booth that was going to be his home for the next 12 hours.
"You walk here? In this weather?" incredulity bathed the words.
Roxas nodded, disrobing and hanging up his coat on the back of the door. "I live real close by. Across the river."
"Don't you drive?" the man gave a visible shudder.
"I like walking," Roxas shrugged dismissively. It wasn't anyone business but his own why he didn't drive, or own a car. The answer was simple: he had no money, hence the job, really. But he didn't have to explain himself to others.
"Still pretty crazy if you ask me, to go walking in below thirty temps." The grizzly-haired and leather-faced man grabbed his coat, scarf and gloves. "Name's Florentino. But people call me Flo."
"Roxas. Just Roxas." He tacked on a smile.
"You're crazy Roxas. But nice to meet ya anyway." They shook hands before Florentino covered up with the woven-fabric glove. "You know how everything works? This here opens the boom gate. The sensors will know when to shut it again. Give 'em their time stamp ticket, have a chat asking their business if you feel like you're going out of your mind, and then take their tickets on their way back out. No cash. No exceptions. They got no ticket they ain't leaving. Machine's in the courthouses main foyer. They got no excuses."
Roxas nodded. "I got the welcome pack and Mike gave me the tour."
"Good old Mike. I'm gonna miss seeing that sonofabitch," Florentino laughed. He shook the lapels of his coat and double checked his buttons were all done up. "They still stuff that welcome pack folder full of useless B.S on how court proceedings work?"
"Yep. It did come with a cute stress ball gavel, so it wasn't a total waste."
Florentino laughed. "Nice. I assume Mike showed ya how everything in here works?
"Yup. Microwave under the desk, radio's over there, walkie-talkie to the in-house security guards to be used if I've got some trouble out here or if I gotta take a leak."
"Yup. Watch for the lawyers. They rage hard as fuck. Think they're the most important people walking on the planet." Florentino rolled his eyes and wrapped his scarf around himself. He looked like he was ready for a deep arctic exploration. "You got any questions write 'em down and ask me when I come back to relieve you. Good luck." With that Florentino left, ushering in a flurry of snow and frigid air.
Roxas shivered and moved closer to the small space heater tucked into a corner and was left alone. He stood, warming his hands and looked around himself.
Everything was where he had remembered seeing it last week. The small radio played some classic rock. Stacks of newspapers and magazines littered the small bench, which was the control centre for the whole carpark operation. Roxas gave them a closer look but recoiled at the sight of the Playboy. He wondered what would happen if his copies of Gay Times found their way in here. Roxas chuckled and settled down, pushing the control buttons to get the hang of this incredibly tough job.
The early morning was quiet, but also not completely devoid of any action, which surprised him. Cars were still parked in the open air carpark behind him. As he collected tickets and had brief conversations he found out it was mostly cleaning and some very overworked civic staff who were heading home for the day.
Around eight o'clock there came a steady stream of vehicles of all different makes and models, seeking entry into the carpark. Roxas got a very quick understanding that the courthouse attracted people from literally all walks of life. Rich and poor, old and young, a vast rainbow of ethnic diversity, and a very mixed bag of emotional responses. Some were incredibly tense, others nervous, asking Roxas a million questions to which he could only answer where the entrance to the courthouse was and where the washroom facilities were located. And then there were the lawyers. Usually heralded by the approach of a flashy car and a belittling attitude.
"Hurry up, kid, I haven't go all day!"
"They've really let their standards fall."
"Where's Mike? He'd have this boom gate open for me already."
"Don't talk to me, just get this thing open and gimmie that stub."
He received some vicious glares, but Roxas soon forgot about all that as he then received the most pleasant interaction for that morning, "Oh hey, you're new. They finally got rid of that old codger, Mike?" The words were accompanied by the most gorgeous, relaxed, and gravelly laugh Roxas had ever heard.
"He's retired."
"About time. Seeing his face every morning was by far the most depressing part of the day. Having to see it at the end of the day made everything slightly worse somehow."
"He seemed all right to me," Roxas defended with great indifference.
"Well, Mike had his moments, I guess. But seeing you every day- now that's a vast improvement. About time this place got some sunshine." The man winked and took his ticket from Roxas' hand, while he stared, heart aflutter.
Roxas could easily feel himself turning red. "Ah, thanks. You're nice to look a too." Roxas' skin must have turned a shade of red equal to the man's stunning hair after those dumb words left his mouth.
Another glorious laugh erupted. "I'm glad the feeling's mutual. I'm Axel, by the way."
Axel. Roxas became lost for a moment in what a ridiculously sexy name that was for an equally sexy being. Another smaller laugh drew him out of his hormonal haze. "Ah, I'm Roxas."
"Pleased to meetcha, Roxas."
His name rolling off that tongue made his knees weak. Thank goodness he was sitting down.
A car honked.
"You mind letting me through? I think we're upsetting people." Smile spread wide, the greenest eyes Roxas had ever seen narrowed with amusement.
He stumbled over his simple words of, "Ah, yeah, sure," fumbled with the buttons, accidentally opening the wrong gate and slowly melted into a puddle of embarrassment, sinking low into his chair after he did get the right gate open and watched Axel drive off to find a parking spot. He wasn't left to unwind. Another car pulled up promptly and the glaring snarl he received burned out the excited flutter in his chest.
The rest of his day was spent daydreaming about sexy Axel with his sexy hair and sexy voice. The guy was probably a lawyer. Roxas imagined himself breaking the law just so he could stare at Axel while they went over his charges together.
So Roxas' first day of work went by in a haze. He had spoken to many people, received a lot of flack, particularly from the lawyer folk in their flash cars and their flash suits, with their flash briefcases propped up next to them on the spare top-notch leather-seat interior of their luxury SUVs and BMWs. Some of them tried to get out of having to get a ticket as they left the carpark, something Mike had warned him about, particularly as it was Roxas' first day. 'Them lawyers can smell new blood a mile away. They're worse than sharks.' So Roxas had lots of practice directing people to the ticket machine inside the courthouse and had a good many goes at letting the insults slide off him like water off a duck's back.
When five o'clock hit Roxas had the immense joy of that red Audi pulling up beside his guard booth and sexiness-incarnate handing over ticket stubs, all the while smiling at him. "How was your first day? People treat you nice?"
"What are those things under your eyes?" Roxas could have sworn that extra sexy addition hadn't been there that morning.
"Oh these? You like 'em?" Axel leaned out of his car window slightly.
That smirk did a number on Roxas. "Yeah," he breathed out like a pathetic loser.
"They're tattoos."
"Oh. When did you get them?" Was there a tattoo parlor around here somewhere?
"About ten years ago. Before I knew that tattoos and lawyers didn't go that well together."
Roxas giggled, like a high school girl. He berated himself. But Axel kept smiling that sexy smile.
"So, uh," Roxas cleared his throat, wanting to sound manly, "Why didn't you have them showing this morning?"
"I cover up when I have court dates with magistrates, which is most of the time here. I had two this morning and the rest of the day I've been sitting with clients and potential clients. So I clean off the makeup for that."
"They don't get put off by your tattoos?"
"Do my tattoos put you off?"
Roxas wished Axel would pull him off. No wait, Axel had asked - He shook his head.
Axel's smile grew… more sultry? It was making Roxas feel hotter, despite having the window open.
"Same for some clients. Some see me and go 'I want that guy to represent me,' when before they wouldn't have given me a second look in."
"How could anyone ever pass you up," Roxas muttered, instantly sitting up straight and stammering out, "Ah, so, ah to… a-answer your question, um, yeah I had a good day. You?"
Gorgeous laughter sounded again. "Well, that's good to hear. And," shoulders shrugged and hand ran through red spikes, a motion which Roxas followed very closely with his eyes. "I had as good a day as is to be expected. It just got better though."
There was a hurricane of butterflies having a dance party inside Roxas. Axel was a lawyer. A non-asshole lawyer. Roxas would get to see him around often. Roxas had to make sure he didn't keep saying dumb things or Axel would think him a moron. He quickly glanced out the window to check that no one else was leaving, so they could talk for a while longer and Roxas could hopefully redeem himself.
"What kind of clients do you usually take?" He might also secretly have wanted to know what sort of a crime he needed to commit to be given one-on-one time with the vision before himself.
"I'm a public defender, so I take whatever gets assigned to me. It's usually victimless crimes. Inability to pay fines, property disputes, that kinda stuff. But sometimes I get DUI's and DV cases as well."
Roxas nodded, pretending he understood what some of that stuff meant. "Do you like your job?"
A big smile followed. "Yeah, I do. I like helping folks get out of trouble. You wouldn't believe some of the unfair charges that get laid against people."
"Oh I bet. My aunt's best friend's brother got done for a broken tail light, of all things. And then he got charged with all these other things while the copper was going through his things. Possession of a weapon and aggravated assault and some other shit too. He only talked back to the officer because the weapon he had was a baseball bat which he carried 'cause he was on his way home from a baseball game."
Axel rolled his eyes and sighed, a beautiful sight and sound to behold. "I've heard things like a that a million times. The system's so broken."
"But it keeps you busy," Roxas smiled sadly.
Axel chuckled, sending a shiver down Roxas' body. "That it does. So, Roxas."
"Mm?" Roxas hummed, his mind in Nirvana every time his name dropped from that silvery tongue.
"Will you keep me here forever, or am I free to go home?" A mischievous twinkle sparkle in Axel's eyes, and amusement tinted his words.
Roxas startled and looked around himself. He still held the ticket stumps. Heat rose to his cheeks once more. "Oh, shoot. Yes. sorry." He expertly pushed the button to open the gate, though he wished he could keep Axel there forever, or better yet take him home to his place and then keep him hostage.
"Ah, you figured out which button to push," Axel cheered.
Had it come from anyone else he would have been irritated. But as it stood - "I've got it all sorted now," he announced with pride.
"Until tomorrow then, sunshine." Axel gave a two-fingered salute, clicked his tongue and winked as he drove off.
Roxas sunk into his seat. "You fucking moron," he snarled at himself. Thoughts returned to Axel. Roxas wanted to chase after the car but instead hugged himself and spun around in his swivel chair. He didn't care that he had a terrible case of puppy love. He was going to savor it.
Every day was amazing and exciting for Roxas. He happily braced the frigid, icy and snowy mornings because Axel would greet him with that smile, a kind word and sometimes a glazed donut, or apple, or a croissant, and most days a takeaway cup of hot chocolate, after Roxas told Axel that he didn't do coffee.
Roxas was completely smitten and all his friends knew it. Axel was all he ever spoke about when anyone asked him about work. It didn't even matter so much to Roxas that Axel wore a wedding band, something he regrettably noticed when it had gotten a bit warmer, allowing for uncovered fingers to brush against each other in their daily ticket stub dance.
He only allowed himself two days to feel down about it before Axel's attentiveness, charm, and flirtations erased all care in Roxas' world. Yes, it was unfortunate that Axel was taken but what did it even matter? Someone like Axel was completely out of Roxas' league. The big words Axel sometimes used went completely over Roxas' head most of the time, and he'd spend his day looking up what Axel had talked about so he could make sense of things and maybe appear marginally less like a devolved subset of humanoid. Occasionally he'd try to use a big word he had stumbled across but soon dropped this habit as the looks he got from Axel, albeit not ill-intended, did make Roxas feel sheepish and like he was trying way too hard. Which he was - but only because there was jack all to do during the day and preoccupying himself with thoughts of Axel was entertaining.
Sometimes the crazy thought hit him that he should ask Axel to hang out, to go see a movie, to see a band together. The urge was strongest on the days when Axel drove up listening to songs from Roxas' favorite bands, or when Axel gave out a movie recommendation, like, "If you've got nothing else on you should check out _. I saw it last night and it was awesome!." The movies Axel recommended, for the most part, were all ones Roxas had wanted to see or had already seen. But all he ever did was sigh wistfully into his hand as Axe drove off.
He kept everything other than his enthusiasm and acknowledgement that he knew that song/band/movie private, because Axel was taken and starting a friendship with the man, and having any outside contact other than their brief exchanges at work, would put Roxas on a path full of heartbreak and woe. So he continued to entertain thoughts of him and Axel being together and reveled in their daily exchanges, full well knowing that nothing would ever happen.
Though he wished their exchanges could be longer. Roxas yearned for the boom gate to malfunction and for them to be stuck looking at each other and talking together for hours on end, whilst the queue of cars got ever longer behind Axel's. And Roxas would for once be able to tell that colossal douchebag driving his silver Jaguar to go fuck himself, because that guy 90% of the time sat behind Axel's car, beeping at him whenever their conversation turned really interesting or flirtatious.
After a few months Roxas was fairly certain that Axel was gay. He had harbored some doubts. In a way it had been comforting because a straight Axel would have been better than a gay Axel when it came to being unattainable. But now he was pretty okay with the idea of Axel being gay. He told himself that it was better to not be together with him. Axel was probably impossible to live with… on account of being so handsome. He couldn't bring himself to think badly of Axel. It was just too much fun to daydream, even though he sometimes got honked at to bring himself back down to Earth.
Summer came and with it heatwaves. The fan in his booth didn't do much, especially on humid days. He appreciated the cold drinks Axel brought him when he drove in and when he left again at the end of the day.
Roxas didn't know if he was imagining it or not but things with Axel seemed to change. He grew less talkative. Still smiled, still bought Roxas thoughtful things, but something about his energy was off.
Sometimes, "Are you all right?" was on the tip of his tongue, but it never came out because Axel slipped away too fast.
So Roxas stayed silent and watched on as Axel's imagined strange behaviour became less fantastical and more real. The smiles vanished. The banter dissolved. The vibrancy Axel had once displayed a distant memory. And then Axel vanished. Just like that he was gone. Where before he had never missed a day of work, even when he had been sick as a dog with the flu, he had attended, dosed up of medication, shining bright nose and bleary eyes, but still energetic and willing to help out whoever needed it.
Roxas wondered if maybe Axel had taken some time off. The poor guy deserved it, that was for sure. Roxas felt like taking time off too. He had surely incurred a few days worth of leave by now. But he decided to stay, in hopes of seeing Axel again, and because he truly didn't have much going on in his life. Yes there was traveling on the cards, but for what he wanted to do he would need to save for at least another year. So time off would mean time laying on his sofa in front of the television. Though he did like that idea once winter set in and the days got more miserable. So Roxas held onto his leave and kept accumulating it.
Two weeks passed before Axel reappeared. But it wasn't in his red Audi. It was on foot, bowed head, earbuds in, suitcase in hand. His delightfully blue-sheened suit looked lacklustre in the bright of day. His hair was all windswept and he slouched as he walked. Roxas just stared at the figure as it traversed along the footpath on the other side of the road. Axel didn't even so much as look up as he trudged on right along Roxas' field of vision across the way. To say the snub didn't hurt was to be lying to himself.
Roxas' mind was preoccupied with Axel once more, but this time he worried. He was in two minds about going into the courthouse to look for Axel, but past experience has taught him that it was notoriously difficult to find anyone in that maze of a place. For Roxas had looked, whilst on toilet breaks. He had hoped to run into Axel in the corridors and get chatting, and then maybe somehow end up in a darkened supply closet with their pants around their ankles. Yes, his mind had frequently gone there, and Roxas wasn't ashamed to admit that… to the most darkest recesses of his mind at least. But nothing like his wildest fantasies had ever happened. Not even his most bland ones of running into a very busy Axel, so they could only exchange kind smiles, had ever eventuated. So he doubted he would find Axel now.
He kept a lookout on the road as Axel's usual departure time arrived. Right on schedule Axel left the same way he had arrived, on foot, but looking even more bedraggled and defeated than when he had gotten in to work. Roxas wanted to chase after the man, give him a hug, and offer to take him out for a hot drink, because he really looked like he needed one. But an influx of cars entering and leaving stopped him, as did his chicken shit of a gut.
Roxas watched over several days, which turned into several weeks as Axel walked to and from work. Never looking up and over at Roxas. Roxas had attempted to shout and wave at Axel once, but then had felt incredibly foolish and embarrassed when all he got was strange stares from seemingly everyone and their pet cat, rather than Axel. It was depressing, and not just because the weather was moving into the colder months, heralding with it the first snows of the season on a gloomy Friday morning.
Roxas was rugged up, the space heater going at only half strength. Roxas didn't want to risk the chance of burning out his faithful companion. The thing looked older than time itself, with a thick layer of burnt dust gathered between its heating elements and its once proud-and-pearly-white casing, now stained greyer than an elephant's hide.
He spotted Axel across the road, stalking the footpath on this day. Axel's attendance had gotten more sporadic over the last month. Some days he would be walking along day after day, and other times Roxas would only see him once or twice in a week. But one thing never changed, he never looked up and his earbuds were never out for Roxas to try and command the man's attention.
Roxas had gotten to such a state of deprivation that he had even resorted to taking a few days leave not too long ago, and had come out to wait for Axel, so they could have a chat. But he had been left feeling foolish as each day he arrived at the courthouse at Axel's usual arrival and departure time, to never see an Axel.
Mike had come out of retirement to fill Roxas' role while he was off so Roxas felt even worse, and it certainly wasn't helped by Mike spotting him and having a long conversation at him about not wasting his precious leave on hanging out outside of work. "You might as well get paid if you're gonna be sitting around here," had been the pearls of wisdom.
And Mike was right, so Roxas gave up taking any more leave and returned to work. He watched Axel reappear a few days later, walking the same path, and looking more gaunt and grey than Roxas recalled him being even two weeks ago.
Roxas was left not knowing what to do, so inaction seemed the best course of action. He watched Axel leave at his usual time that cold, dreary Friday afternoon and Roxas was glad when Florentino arrived, dressed like a Michelin man, to take over the night shift. The nights had definitely become bitingly cold over the last few days, so Roxas saw reason in Florentino ridiculous layering.
They said their Hellos and Goodbyes and Roxas scurried off towards home, jacket pulled tight around himself, and hands deep in pockets.
While the paths weren't iced over the home journey was a brisk ten-minute power walk away. When the streets became more hazardous the journey blew out to an amazing twenty minutes of careful shuffling. Lucky for Roxas the sidewalk was still power walk territory, so he made his way across the street, down a block and up the ramp to the pedestrian walkway which hugged the busy highway as it spanned across the river. The unusual cold snap had made the river ice over in the middle of the night, but by the time the morning rays hit the world the ice had turned back to a liquid. Roxas inspected the river below, and saw the gloom of the streetlights reflect off slightly shimmering and moving surface below, indicating that the river was still watery. His breath misted before him as he exhaled with harshness, from the exertion of walking quickly.
There wasn't much foot traffic; the usual jiggers having abandoned the route for warmer destinations, like gyms. So Roxas was surprised to see a shadowy figure up ahead at the apex of the bridge. The closer he got the easier it was to see that the person, probably a man. judging by the height, was transfixed at the traffic barrier, looking toward the oncoming traffic and their blinding headlights. Roxas could feel the wind displacement as the cars whizzed past, only a yard away, making him pull his woollen hat down further over his ears.
Roxas paid the figure no mind, concentrating on thinking what he would make himself for dinner and fatiguing at the idea of putting effort into anything. The headlights continued to streak across the bridge, casting unnatural shadows. Roxas kept his head down, willing fingers not to seize up, but his head snapped up as the before statuesque man he was only a few inches away from sprang into action by stepping up onto the traffic barrier. Roxas stared into the headlights of an oncoming semi-trailer, which was blaring its horns as the man looked to be trying to cross the busy highway.
"No, don't!" Roxas warned with a shout, only just audible over the horn of the truck as it sped forward. Reflexively arm darted out and fingers grabbed at coarse fabric of the jacket the man was wearing. Roxas yanked back with all his might, causing himself to topple backwards, and taking with him the man, who landed on top of him, knocking the wind out of Roxas.
Everything hurt for a blinding moment. His backside, which had made hard contact with the unforgiving concrete ground, and his gut, where warm weight and jagged bones dug into him.
The weight atop of Roxas shifted. "What the fuck are you doing? Don't touch me!" Harsh words screeched into the air as the car horns still sounding faded into the distance.
The man rounded on Roxas as Roxas scrambled up and then the two of them stood and stared at each other.
Blood rushed through Roxas' ears and his breath rattled in his lungs. "What were you doing? There was a truck heading straight for you!" he shouted out of sheer terror and unable to control his flailing limbs The tremble in Roxas' body increased with every erratic beat of his heart as he looked at dark hair, flashing red with the passing traffic's headlights, and sharp nose and cheekbones that Roxas had wanted to run his finger across for months now. He was staring at Axel's familiar face but contorted in an unfamiliar way.
Gaunt, tired face drew into a tight line and Axel drew away again, turning his back towards Roxas. No answer came, but moments later arms began to quaver and then whole body and legs gave out, causing Axel to drop sharply to the ground in an almost collapsed state.
Roxas rushed forward, arms around Axel's shoulders and kneeling beside the sobbing man. Barely audible sounds came out of him but growing with strength at each passing. Roxas finally heard it, the desperate anguished cries of, "I don't know. I don't know."
Axel wailed on and on until the words were swallowed by the tears and descended back into complete incoherence.
Roxas looked around himself, heart racing, feeling completely hopeless and helpless. What had he just witnessed? His heart was breaking. The cars kept racing past, drowning out any smaller noises Axel was making, and causing the walkway they were kneeling on to vibrate and shake uncomfortably.
Roxas leaned in closer to Axel, speaking next to his ear, "I live less than five minutes away. Do you want to come back to my place? I can make you… ," he wished he could offer coffee but he didn't have any, "tea, or hot chocolate? Do you want to do that?"
A whimper fell out of Axel and he nodded weakly.
Roxas hoisted Axel back up onto his feet. He collected the briefcase which had been discarded and almost forgotten about and then acted as a crutch to the very wobbly and also very tall Axel. Roxas had never realized how tall Axel actually was. Had this been other circumstances Roxas might have had some very particular thoughts about this revelation. But as it was, Roxas was still panicked and in shock over what had just happened so the thought went nowhere.
They walked in silence. With Axel's fragile state and extra weight it took longer than five minutes to reach his apartment, and even more time to get up to the third floor and finally through his door.
Roxas' place was small and humble, but it was cozy. The door opened up into the living room, and at the far end was the open plan kitchen, overseeing the street below via the large window, which was the main natural light source for this part of his small place.
"The bathroom's on the left here. Do you need a bath?" Was that something to offer someone in Axel's situation? "You feel really cold. How long have you been out there for?" Roxas didn't need an answer really. Axel had left at five sharp and Roxas had left a little after six. so it would definitely have been over an hour. That thought, of Axel being up on that bridge for over an hour, sat like a big boulder made out of sadness in his chest.
"I don't know," was all Axel muttered, staring at the carpeted floor.
Roxas looked around himself, desperate to know what to do. He left Axel's side and turned the thermostat up higher so his place would be toasty warm. "Can I make you something to eat?"
Axel shook his head. Roxas wanted to collapse in on himself with how dreadful he was feeling over being so completely useless. But then he made a snap decision. He was going to take charge.
"Okay, well you sit over here," Roxas clasped icicle hands and lead Axel to his sofa, "and I'll run you a bubble bath." He pushed Axel down onto the sofa and unfolded a throw he had draped over the back, tucking it around Axel and giving the man a pillow to hug, which he readily did. "And then I'll make us some grilled cheese sandwiches and we will talk about what happened. Or - you know, we could watch a movie."
Green eyes finally raised and looked at him, but the stare was vacant and unseeing.
Roxas sighed, more out of releasing tension than anything else. He reluctantly left Axel sitting there on his sofa and went to his crisp-white-and-rather-industrial bathroom. He filled the stand-alone cast-iron bathtub with water, squirted some green bubble bath liquid into it and watched the clouds of billowy white suds build into tall fluffy mountains.
Flashes of Axel mounting the concrete traffic barrier accosted him. It hadn't been an accident. Axel had meant to go over the top, just as that truck - Roxas felt sick with sadness, worry, and fear. He looked back at the open door and into his living area. He could just make out Axel's drooping hair over the top of the sofa.
Why had Axel tried to end it all? Roxas felt the sting behind his eyes. He sniffled up the sadness and rubbed the damp away using his elbow while he swirled the water.
He was very worried about Axel; Didn't want to leave the man alone even for an instant, because Roxas had no idea what he was capable of doing. So he kept checking by casting quick glances through the doorway.
Once the water was the right height and temperature Roxas went out and lead Axel into the bathroom. The man still seemed despondent. Roxas had imagined Axel in his bathroom, on his sofa, in his bed - but it had never been like this.
"The bath is ready," he pointed, hoping to get some reaction out of the man.
Axel's head moved minutely to look at it.
A sudden dread came over Roxas that maybe he had just created a watery grave for Axel. Maybe a bath had been the worst idea to ever have been thought up. "You don't need to take it. I'll drain it."
"No, I'll - sit in it… for a bit."
"Okay, but - um… is it okay if I leave the door open? You know, to check on you?" He hoped he wasn't coming across as creepy. He actually hoped for a snigger and snide remark from Axel, which would have been a breath of fresh air to Roxas. But he got nothing but a muttered, "Okay."
Roxas left Axel along to get undressed and got to making sandwiches for them. He strained to listen to any sounds of Axel drowning. He didn't know CPR but he would do his best to keep Axel alive if it came to that.
The quiet from the bathroom unnerved Roxas. "Can you… sing me a song or something? It doesn't have to be perfect or anything special. I just - I'd like to hear your voice."
It was dumb but he needed to know Axel was all right and a song was the best thing he could come up with, since Axel didn't seem in the mood to talk.
No sound came from the bathroom for a while, and then a sombre tone began. It was a lot of murmurs, but from time to time Roxas could make out some words;
… quiet
I went …
… just soakin' my head … brain
…
…
I don't understand now
… pink rabbits
Am I the one you think 'bout…
And everybody was gone
… not to crack up
… like a rain it was more like a sea
I didn't ask … it just came over me
…
… that's frightening
… think about when … drinking pink rabbits
… pink rabbits
And everybody was gone
…
I was solid gold
… in the fight
I was coming back … like a ruin
I couldn't see you coming so far
I just turn around and there you are
… dance with me now
I was just getting used to living life without you around
I'm so surprised …
You always … too high off the ground
You didn't see me I was falling apart
… white girl in a crowd … the park
… I was falling apart
I was … of a person with a broken heart
You didn't see me I was falling apart
… crowd of white girls in a park
… falling apart
… television version of a person with a broken …
Roxas gathered the grilled cheese sandwiches he had been making and slicing, onto a plate and walked over to the bathroom. Axel's singing became a little clearer as he went and he waited outside, resting against the wall, staring at his ceiling as he listened on.
And everybody was gone
You were standin' in the street 'cause you were trying not to crack up
Now I only think about Los Angeles when the sun kicks out
… sun kicks out
You said it would be painless
The needle in the dark
You said it would be painless
It wasn't that at all
You said it would be painless (1)
Axel's singing stopped and he just hummed the same chords over and over.
Roxas came into the bathroom tentatively knocking as he went and averting his eyes slightly. Axel was surrounded by soap suds and anything below his mid-chest was covered up to Roxas' relief. "I made sandwiches." He sat on the bath mat and carefully balanced the plate on the lip of the bath, still holding and supporting it with one hand. He ate quietly and was relieved when Axel lifted a wet hand and picked up one of the sandwiches, dripping water and foam everywhere.
Axel still hummed to himself.
Roxas stayed quiet, trying to process how surreal this current situation was. He had been fantasizing about Axel for so long. Now he was in his bathtub, after having tried to kill himself. Roxas cast his eye over to Axel. He still looked vacant and nibbled on the bread.
"What were you doing out there, Axel?" Roxas muttered to himself.
Head raised, eyes focused slightly. "Roxas?" Axel voice broke and sounded completely bewildered.
"Yes?" He looked at Axel, whose green eyes were transfixed on him, as if seeing him for the first time.
"What're you doing here?" Axel looked around himself and then tensed suddenly, gripping the edge of the bath. "Where am I?"
"It's okay. You're in my apartment." Roxas hurried to put the plate on the floor and got up on his knees, gripping the tub's edge. "I brought you here. You remember what happened? Out on the bridge?"
Eyes darted around as Axel searched his memory. "I was walking to the bus stop and then… then - I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to see - I didn't… want to… ," Axel exhaled a sharp breath and coiled in on himself, the motion of which caused the water and suds in the bath to raise and flow over the edge slightly. He held his head. "Oh, God. What did I almost do!"
"You're okay now. You're safe." Roxas reached out and ran two careful fingers through Axel's hair, applying light pressure. "You're okay."
Axel jerked away. "Why didn't you leave alone?" he barked.
"I'm sorry," Roxas recoiled his hand.
A loaded sigh was forced out. "No, no Roxas. I'm sorry." Axel chased after Roxas, clasping their hands together.
Roxas squeezed gently. "What happened? What's wrong?" he pleaded softly.
"I -" Axel swallowed and eyes squeezed shut. "Can I get out of the bath first?" He didn't even wait for an answer. Arms made for the bath's edge and Axel lifted himself up.
Embarrassed panic rose. Roxas averted his eyes and turned away. He got up and grabbed a towel, handing it to Axel, still looking away. "Do you need anything? I mean, my clothes probably won't fit you but - I got a bathrobe. You want that?" He chanced a look back. Axel had wrapped the towel around himself and nodded, looking down at his crumpled suit.
"I'll go get it. I'll hang this up for you." Roxas grabbed the clothes off the floor but stopped short at Axel's briefs. "I'll leave these here," he said quickly and rushed away, to his bedroom on the right side of his apartment. His bathrobe was probably also going to be too short for Axel but at least it would provide more coverage than anything else Roxas could offer.
He hung up Axel's business shirt and suit, taking a whiff of Axel's delicious scent and then berating himself for being such a creep. He went back out to his bathroom and handed Axel the robe. "I'll be out in the living room when you're ready. We can watch a movie or something but… but if you wanna talk about what happened I'm here for you," Roxas said, looking at the ground and with that left, shutting the door behind himself and sighing out the tension he was carrying.
He sat and waited for Axel for a while, rubbing his thumbs together and replaying the events of the bridge over in his head, as well as thinking back on the change he observed in Axel over the past half a year almost.
The door creaking open drew Roxas' eyes up. Axel came out, Roxas' bathrobe only covering up to Axel's knees and the sleeves almost at his elbows. Roxas smiled and tried hard to keep the giggle at bay.
Axel approached, putting the plate of sandwiches down on the coffee table. "What?" he said somewhat defensively.
"You look really cute," Roxas still giggled, but then clapped his hands over his mouth.
Axel's eyebrow quirked and he gave a slow, low chuckle; a sound which was music to Roxas' ears. Axel sunk down onto the sofa, legs akimbo, resting elbows on knees, and head hung low.
Roxas watched and waited. Roxas' apartment was very quiet. Roxas could make out the sound of his refrigerator buzzing, a faucet dripping, someone walking around upstairs.
Axel's voice broke through slowly, "Thank you, Roxas. Thanks for being there."
"Where you - did you want to -"
"I… Yeah. I wanted to kill myself," Axel almost whispered.
The tears welled and all air escaped Roxas' lungs. "Why?" he got out hoarsely.
Axel took a few deep breaths. He rubbed at his eyes and kept looking down at the floor between his legs. "I haven't been doing too well the last few months. Life… life's been pretty terrible, actually." Axel clasped his hands together, and fiddled with the ring on his finger.
"You haven't been yourself the last few months," Roxas muttered.
"What?" Head turned towards Roxas.
Roxas nodded and looked at Axel. Roxas couldn't get over Axel's thin appearance. "You've been quiet, and keep being away. I've been meaning to say something to you for so long now. I'm sorry that I didn't," he muttered. Incredible guilt washed over him for being such a chicken shit.
"Nothing you could have done." Axel returned his attention to his fingers, twirling, twisting and rubbing at the band. "I just can't cope. I'm a fucking joke. Ever since Casey left nothing's gone right."
"Casey?" Roxas cocked his head to the side and moved a little closer.
"My - ex. My fucking ex-" Axel ran hand over his face and cradled his head between his hands.
Roxas fought down the jubilation. He was such a pathetic creep. "I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing. Is it your fault that I wasn't good enough for Casey? Is it your fault that he looked down on me for not being a pompous ass like himself? It's not, so just shut up."
Roxas recoiled a little at Axel's angry words.
"Sorry," Axel apologized. "Casey left me two months ago. I've been trying - trying so hard to get more high profiled cases, but it's not working. Nothing I do is working. I keep being sick, shit keeps happening to me. I'm so fucking tired, and I totalled my car, which was fucking expensive, and now it's in repairs." Axel started muttering to himself, "I gotta make repayments for a fucking pile of shit I can't even drive! I can't get better-paying work. All my friends are apparently more Casey's friends than mine and no one's talking to me. I don't even know why. He's the fuck who broke up with me. I didn't meet his high standards and he's tossed me out like I'm one of his expensive suits that's gone out of fashion. Fucking dick. The asshole didn't even offer to help me pay for my car, after I only got in an accident because I dropped him off to get his Jag from the service dealer. But I'm so hung up about him that I'm still wearing this fucking - stupid - ring!" Axel yanked it off his finger and threw it across the room. Small metal band clinked against the wall, bounced and rolled away somewhere behind Roxas' TV cabinet.
Axel gave a forlorn stare after the ring, rage melting from his face, and leaving a trail of sorrow streaking down his cheeks. "I've got nothing left. No one in my life. All I've got are debts. If I don't get this shit sorted, if I can't get my repayments sorted it's gonna reflect badly on me. It could jeopardize my standing with the bar, and if that happens… fuck! I don't want to think about it. I don't want to feel about it. It's been hurting so much I can't feel anything anymore. It's all numb, but then it hurts again. God, it hurt so bad today. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to be anymore. It's all too much. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I've had enough." Axel began sobbing into his hands.
Roxas scooched close, wrapping his arms around Axel's body. "You've got me, Axel. I'll be here for you."
Axel suddenly turned into the contact and grabbed ahold of Roxas, draping arms over his shoulders and moving one of his legs up and around Roxas' side, which took him by surprise.
Roxas was held in place, and reciprocated the tightness of the embrace. He listened to Axel's crying, pushed the side of his face into Axel's hair and stroked, patted, and drew patterns into Axel's back for a while. He had no idea what to say, so he didn't. He took sick pleasure in being this tangled up with Axel. Yes, he wished the circumstances had been different but that didn't detract too much from loving the cuddle they were each giving one another right now.
"Thank you, Roxas."
"No. don't thank me. I wish I had made more of an effort to talk to you. Things were off with you and I should have asked you if everything was all right, but - I was too scared."
"Scared? Scared of what?" Axel pulled away a little. Red-rimmed eyes looked at Roxas.
He regretted his choice of words. "No, not scared. It's really dumb, don't worry about it."
"No, what is it?" Arms and leg moved away and he sat up straight, trying to fix the bathrobe up.
The look in Axel's eyes made Roxas want to confess to everything, in the hope that it would magically cure Axel's pain. "I, ah - I had a very teeny-tiny crush on you when we first met, so that kinda made me feel like I needed to try super hard to impress you. But it went away once I knew you were taken," he lied, "but the feeling dumb compared to you kinda has stayed with me."
"Really? You had a crush on me?" Axel sniffled and a small smile broke free.
"Yeah. It's nothing now, please don't worry about it." The last thing Roxas wanted was to impose himself on Axel.
Axel gave a tired, "Oh."
Roxas tried for a big cheerful smile.
"You're still intimidated by me even now? Even after you saw me at my lowest low and had me naked in your tub?"
"Maybe not so much intimidated anymore," Roxas smiled. He definitely was a lot of other things though. "But still a little. You're mister smart-lawyer-guy and I'm… just a toll booth dude who knows nothing about afford davids and adjointment precedents or what fragra is or what opera concerto's go with what wine. I," Roxas sighed. Why was he making this about himself? "I just never felt good enough to be your friend. Or like - you were just being nice to the dumb guy to maybe one day get me to open up the gate for you when you forgot to get your ticket validated."
"I guess that would have saved me some money. The rates are ridiculous." A small smile played on Axel's lips. "But I hope you know I would never do that. I was nice to you because… because you were - are nice. I've always liked you."
Roxas tried to keep the tremendous grin at bay and clenched his fists tighter into his lap so he wouldn't fist pump into the air. Axel didn't mean it like that but it was still awesome to hear that someone like Axel had a genuine fondness for someone like Roxas.
"Well, that's great. I've always liked you too. I tried to learn about whatever you talked about so I could seem smarter to you."
"You really did that for me?"
"Yeah. I'm a bit lame like that."
Axel shook his head. "You're not lame. You're really sweet. I don't think anyone's ever made an effort for me."
It was a heartbreaking statement for Roxas to hear. "I'm sorry that you feel that way. You're important to me though. You made my days heaps fun. I always looked forward to seeing you. And I know your clients really appreciate you too. Sometimes I had people talk to me about you."
Axel's head cocked to the side and he frowned. "How?"
"They said you were really patient and good at your job and made them feel better being there."
Axel stayed quiet but his face tensed up and eyes squeezed shut. A sob escaped moments later.
Roxas leaned in and rubbed Axel's back. "You're important to people. You make a positive difference in other's lives."
Axel tensed up more, and cried harder. It panicked Roxas. Had he said the wrong thing?
"I'm sorry, Axel. Please don't cry. I don't wanna make you feel worse," he said quickly, feeling his own tears begin to well up.
Axel sniffled and violently shook his head. Weepy, red, tired eyes looked over at him. "No. It's not that." Axel drew him into a hug. Roxas rested his head against Axel's bare chest as the bathrobe had fallen open a fair bit.
"I'm glad you got to me in time," Axel murmured against Roxas' hair. "I was in a really bad place. It's good to know I'm not alone. It's good to know I make a difference."
"You make a huge difference, and you're definitely not alone. I'll try and help you any way I can."
"Thanks. That's already more than Casey ever offered."
"He sounds like a massive asshole."
"He is. But-" a sob choked out.
"Love is love," Roxas murmured, finishing Axel's sentiment for him.
Axel stayed the night at Roxas' place. He had fallen asleep on the sofa while they had watched a sitcom they both were fans of. Roxas had put a spare blanket over Axel's body and kept the heating up while he quietly made to drain the bath, had a shower, brushed teeth and curled up with his pillow for the night
The next day being a Saturday meant neither men had anywhere to be.
Roxas got up to find Axel in the same position he had left him in the previous night but awake and staring at the wall.
"Morning, Axel. Did you sleep okay?"
Eyes looked up and found Roxas. "Yeah. Better than I have in a while. Thanks."
Roxas smiled. "You want breakfast? I can make us eggs and toast."
"That would be awesome." Axel raised himself and only his lap ended up being covered by completely slipped off bathrobe and bunched up blanket.
Roxas stared at soft looking pale skin for a moment too long. Axel shifted uncomfortably, trying to cover more of himself. Roxas muttered an apology and went towards the fridge.
"I'll - go put my clothes back on."
"Yeah. They're hanging up in my bedroom, by the window. Feel free to get dressed in there."
Axel left without another word and Roxas chastized himself for his behavior. He had been lusting after Axel for too long. Now he has solid confirmation that Axel was gay and single. He wished he had gotten a lot closer to Axel before now. Now was the completely wrong time for anything but being supportive of Axel's needs. A voice sprang into his head which wondered if Axel needed a blowjob, because Roxas could definitely help in that department. He grumbled that thought away.
Axel came back out dressed like Roxas had seen him yesterday, but despite his best efforts of hanging things up neatly Axel's clothes were still quite crumpled.
"Hey. The eggs will be done in a few minutes."
"Uh, Roxas, I'm sorry to do this to you but, I think I'm gonna go home. I can't do this right now - socializing, y'know."
Those words left Roxas crestfallen. "Oh. You sure?"
"Yeah."
"Please don't go. I'm sorry if I'm creeping you out or something. I'll behave," Roxas pleaded.
Axel looked surprised, even chuckled a little. "You're not a creep. I just - can't do civilities right now. It's nothing personal."
"You sure?"
Axel nodded and Roxas felt a bit relieved over him not being the problem.
"Well, okay, if you're sure. I want to be your friend. Like a real friend. I'm here for you and it be great if you'd come talk to me. I'll make more of an effort to talk to you now that I know you don't think I'm dumb. You don't, right?" His perpetual defeatist inner monologue was exhausting at times.
"You're not dumb. Here, let me give you my number and we can talk over the phone."
Butterflies and elation erupted. "Yes, that'd be awesome. Ah - my phone's on my bedside stand. There's no lock to get into it. You can just put your number in there. I'll pack you this to go."
Axel smiled. It was tired, but authentic. He nodded and walked back into the bedroom.
Roxas made Axel a breakfast sandwich, which was basically just the fried egg wedged between two pieces of lightly buttered toast. "You want sauce?" Roxas asked, holding up the sauce bottle as Axel came back.
"Yeah, thanks."
Roxas squeezed the bottle, closed the sandwich and put it in a sandwich bag. He walked over to Axel and handed it to him. "Hope you like it."
"I'm sure I will. Thanks for absolutely everything." Axel pocketed the item.
"You sure you want to go? I don't want to be annoying but I just feel funny about letting you go home to be all alone. You said you didn't want to go home last night, so… ." He let that hang in the air.
Axel looked over towards the door for a good long while before returning gaze on Roxas. "I'm feeling a lot better today. You were a great help last night. And, well frankly I'm really embarrassed about what happened and don't want to be seen right now. I just wanna curl up and hide under my doona."
God, that image warmed Roxas' soul. He wished he could hide under the sheets with Axel. "Yeah, okay, I understand that."
Axel gave him a short smile and made to turn towards the door but Roxas interrupted the motion with the question, "Will I see you on Monday?"
There was definite hesitation flashing through Axel. Eyes darted from the door, back to Roxas and then back to the door before he said, "I'm not sure."
Roxas frowned. "If you don't feel up to it you should stay home and rest up. Maybe see a doctor. There's medication you can take. Anti-depressants, you know. Maybe you should see a counsellor, talk to someone, y'know. My brother's an intake officer for the hospital. He can get you in to see a psychologist or something."
"Oh, you have a brother?" Green eyes returned to Roxas.
"Yeah, Ventus. We're twins. He's older but only 'cause they pulled him out first so if he says anything to you about me being a baby brother just ignore him."
Axel gave a throaty chuckle and a tired smile. "Thanks, Roxas. I might take you up on that offer."
"Awesome. I can text you his work details later. I'm having dinner with him tonight. I can tell him to get you the bestest, most nicest psych if you do decide to call."
Axel smiled and nodded.
"You sure you'll be okay on your own? God, I'm so sorry for being annoying but I just - I don't know what to do in this situation. I just want you to stay safe. You could stay here if you want, y'know. I'll even stop talking. You can hang out in my bedroom, or we could build a pillow fort here by the lounge. Is that childish? God, you must think I'm a big, dumb kid. Sorry."
Axel gave him a lopsided pitying smile. "You're very kind, Roxas, but I really just want to go home and tune out for a while. I promise you I will be okay for now. I was in a really bad place last night but you've made me feel a lot better. I'll be in touch." Axel leaned down and placed a kiss on Roxas' cheek.
Roxas could have burst then and there. He went in and gave Axel a massive squeeze of the ribs, forcing an airy chuckle out of him.
"Thanks for the laughs. It's been a while," Axel said, smiling down at Roxas as they pulled apart.
"My pleasure."
Axel started heading for Roxas' front door and Roxas accompanied him. With every step closer to his door he wished he didn't have to let Axel go. He wanted to keep the man safe, even if it meant tying him to his bed and - Roxas saved that thought for later. They reached the door and he made to open it for Axel.
"Bye." Axel gave him another half a smile.
"Bye." Roxas gave him a bright grin which fell away the instant he closed the door behind himself.
The silence that was left in his apartment felt oddly hollow. He really hadn't wanted Axel to ever leave. Not in the state he was currently in. Thoughts of keeping Axel hostage resurfaced and Roxas went and finished the thoughts of tying Axel up to the bed while he went and ate his egg on toast before it got cold and rubbery.
After breakfast he went to his sofa and wrapped himself up in the blanket that had been on Axel all night. The faint scent of him clung to it and Roxas made sure to cuddle into it as much as possible. He was such a sad sap. He relived the feel of Axel against himself. But then the familiar chime of his phone went off and Roxas slowly got up, suspecting it was from his brother Ventus, to remind him of their dinner date tonight. Roxas always remembered, but chose to ignore them most of the time, leading his brother to believe that he was scatterbrained… which in a vicious cycle lead to many text messages.
When he reached his phone however he saw Axel's name on the display. Eyes went wide and he sat down to download the video message he had gotten.
The video loaded and Axel filled his screen. He appeared to be walking down the street. Cars sounded in the background and the camera shook with each step Axel took.
"Hey Roxas. Thanks for absolutely everything yesterday. It means a lot to me to know I've got you in my corner. Thanks for all the nice things you said about me. It's nice to hear. And… well I get the feeling that the teeny-tiny crush you had on me is still kind of there. It's best not to lie to me. I am a lawyer after all. I can smell the truth," Axel chuckled. "But really, if you do still like me… ," Axel sighed, "confession time. I kinda like you too. You're very cute."
Roxas slapped his hand across his gaping mouth.
"I haven't felt attractive in forever so it's nice to know that someone likes me, especially right now when it feels like no one in my life wants to talk to me. So - I don't know where this leaves us. I didn't want to talk to you about this in person because I need some - actually I need a lot of time to process this stuff. I don't know if you'll like or hate hearing this but if we had met like five years ago I would have been all over you quicker than you can say antidisestablishmentarian. But things are really different now and, while I'm still flattered I can't right now. I can't be with anyone. But when I am ready you'll be the first to know, that's another promise I can make you. So thanks again. I'm happy to be friends with you. This sandwich is really good." Axel took a bite out of the half-eaten sandwich. "I'll be in touch."
The video ended and he stared at Axel's captured face from the beginning of the video. "Holy fucking shit, Axel thinks I'm cute!" he screamed at the top of his lungs and fell back on his bed, grinning from ear to ear.
He texted Axel back.
10:11
Roxas: I got your video message. Looks like you busted me. You're such a great lawyer, Ax.
10:11
Roxas: Can I call you that?
10:11
Roxas: But thanks for the message. Take all the time in the world. I'll be here for you if you need to talk.
10:12
Axel: Thanks. And yeah, Ax is fine, Rox :p
10:12
Roxas: I have no problem with Rox either. :D
Roxas refrained from including that Axel could call him anything he liked. He instead sent through his brothers work details and then replayed Axel's video message five more times.
(1) - Song Credit - Pink Rabbits - by The National