WINGS
He leans down in the dirt. The same place he'd been kneeling less then twenty-hours ago. Now the air smells of smoke, the stench of burning flesh and god, so many regrets. There seared into the ground is the last proof of his angel.
The imprint of huge, glorious wings. A reminder now of everything Cas had sacrificed for them. Cas had never flown free again, had never felt the restoration of an angel's purity and innocence, had never again been the terribly beautiful creature God had created him to be. All for them...all for humanity.
All for him.
Dean Winchester.
Who was he? He was nothing. Nothing without Cas. Nothing without Sam. Nothing without Mary...and yet so many people gave up everything for him. The angels had been right. He felt as if he needed to be stopped...right now he felt that not any of the good justified the bad he brought about.
Dean blamed himself for everything. But who else would take the blame? He tried so hard to pull their mismatched family back together and to keep them together. Why did they only really join company when the world was ending and when the price was them; Dean's family?
So as the sun sets he finds himself alone. Squatting, leaning with his elbows on his knees, fingers feeling where the very ground was charred by Castiel's death.
Wings.
They were only a symbol to humanity. A concept of LIFE and infinite freedom. But Cas had known, really known what it was to fly...to be that free, to be that alive. And he'd also known what it was like to be human, helpless and entrapped to this earth. And he'd chosen to be with them, humanity...Dean.
The hole inside the man is impossibly deep, aching and echoing of an emptiness he still had nightmares about. It wasn't the same as when he lost Sam. He'd had Sam forever...and he would have Sam forever that much had become evident...but this, this was almost worse.
Because Dean remembers not having Cas. He remembers not having his best friend, he remembers not having that 'profound bond.' And dammit Cas! He used to be able to live like that. Not anymore. God knows he's tried, all the times he's lost Cas he has tried...but that friendship, that connection is not something he wants to live without, it's something he doesn't want to give up...but of course he was being forced to give it up...just like everything else good in his life.
With movement by his side he jumps a little, broken from his thoughts. Sam squats down beside him, long fingers reaching out and copying his actions, feeling the last bit of Cas whispering drawn out goodbyes in the hidden denial inside themselves.
"He never left this...before, they were never..." Sam chokes on his words, this sight one they'd hoped to never see.
Dean nods, eyes finally meeting his baby brother's, feels something inside himself breath out slow. "Really gone." He more whispers than anything, repeating himself from earlier, frustratingly wet eyes dazedly fixed on the imprint. Their friend, their protector, their angel was really gone this time.
Really dead. In a way even the Winchester's couldn't fix. And god, it felt like failing him, it stung and screamed of failing him...he who had given up everything for them, done the unthinkable for them.
Sam pushes hair from his face and looks to his brother. "He wanted it this way...when he went, he wanted it to be for us...just like you would want." He watches the emotions rush across Dean's face, the only way he understands is because he's lost his brother before and he lost Jess and their dad and their mom.
He reaches out and places a hand on his brother's knee, gets a sad smile in return...their souls sync again...they breathe easier through their breaking hearts, through the pain.
They both look up as Jack leans down beside Sam. Copycatting them and tilting his head in question just like Cas did, his fingers join theirs pressed to the blackened earth. His deep, inquisitive eyes going from Dean's face back to Sam's.
He looks over the mark on the earth, the beautiful intricate scar. "What is it?" He asks, quietly, he may be young, he may be ignorant...but he can sense the auras around him, he can feel the pain in these two men...pain laced with the sweet love they felt for his father, Castiel.
"It's a sign," Sam says, and clears his throat. "It's a sign that Cas is gone for good."
Jack's head tilts to the side again, blue eyes so bright with eagerness to understand. Dean has to look away, he can't handle it, the similarities between this boy and his angel. That confused, stupidly cute face Cas always gave him when he needed something explained. Dean isn't even trying to not hate the nephilim, but he can't even look at him when he reminds him so much of Cas.
Jack draws his hand back and puts it in his pocket mirroring Sam's actions again, the younger Winchester smiles...great, Dean thinks, they've already got besties vibes.
"Gone like my mother?" He asks softly.
"Yeah." Sam agrees. And god, he hopes. He hopes Cas gets a heaven, or someplace better...he begs silently in his head...let Cas be put to rest for real, let him get his reward. Cas had been tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being human...it was wearing on the angel, wearing on his celestial light.
"Let's go home." Dean says, eyes far away and he stands, picking up their supplies and heading back towards the impala.
Sam stands too, looking down at the nephilim still kneeling. "Jack? Are you ready?"
"Yes." Jack answers, standing and beginning to follow after Dean.
"Are you sure?" Sam asks quietly, hurrying to catch up.
"You said to say thank you, sorry and goodbye." The boy says, stopping and meeting Sam's gaze. "So I did."
Sam sighs, this kid and Dean would get along fine! "It's okay if you need time, it's okay if it takes a while to say goodbye."
Jack cocks his head to one side confused, "It's a word, it only takes a second to say it."
"No," Sam says, choosing his words carefully. "Goodbye is more than a word it's, it's a feeling and..."
"It's an action." Jack says firmly, meeting Sam's eyes head on with his own intense ones. "It's letting go."
And wow. Sam feels stupid. How long had it taken him to find that out, longer than his thirty-four years for sure. Because he and Dean? He and Dean still didn't know how to let go, it was their cruelest form of self punishment...never ever let go.
Never let go of the pain, never let go of the guilt...never ever forget.
With one last look back to the place where he was born, Jack turns and walks away. Sam can't help but feel a bit jealous as he follows. He knows he and Dean will be dragging all of this back home with them.
Dean is slamming the trunk closed and swearing as Jack scares him, the boy had been standing behind him watching, patiently waiting for him to open the doors.
"Jesus!" He says, gasping a big breath in, "Kid, don't sneak up on me like that!" Sam hurries forward in case he needs to diffuse the situation.
Jack squints his eyes, confused, "I wasn't sneaking up on you..."
Dean rolls his eyes holding up his hands to stop the nephilim, "What I mean, say something, don't just stand there watching, it's creepy."
Jack raises his eyes to Dean's, holding his head to the side, "Watching is creepy." He confirms, another thing learned.
Dean nods, unlocking the door for Jack, "Watching is creepy, yup. Glad we got that one covered."
Sam raises his eyebrows at him across the hood and Dean just shrugs. They both sigh as they sit in their perspective seats in the impala. Dean reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tape. He stares at it for a few seconds before he cranks Baby and slides it in.
Dean's ready to get out of there; they're out on the highway within minutes, windows down, cold wind forcing thoughts and feelings out of them. Jack has a hand out the window feeling the wind course through his fingers curiously, Sam has his head resting on his fist, elbow propped up in the window.
Dean is sitting sprawled in his seat like always, legs comfortably falling open, a hand on his thigh, one hand appearing to be carelessly laying on the steering wheel. Sam knows he's ever wary, always looking out for them, making sure they get home safe.
This tape is one Sam's never heard before, sure he knows the songs...but this is a different mix; this is one of Dean's own mix tapes. They're currently drowning in Queen, the one Dean used to sing to Sam;
Sammy was low
Just watching the show
Over and over again
Knew it was time
He'd made up his mind
To leave his dead life behind
His boss said to him
"Boy you'd better begin
To get those crazy notions right out of your head
Sammy who do you think that you are
You should've been sweeping up the Emerald bar"
And here it was on this mixtape Sam had never heard before, he hadn't thought of it in years and he's about to ask Dean about it when the chorus of the song begins and he's rushed down memory lane...
Spread your wings and fly away
Fly away far away
Spread your little wings and fly away
Fly away far away
Pull yourself together
'Cause you know you should do better
That's because you're a free man
Dean had alway sung it for him, always believed in him even when he broke Dean's heart by leaving and going to Stanford. Dean had always believed he could be more than him, more than monsters and hunters...more than 'sweeping the Emerald bar.'
Behind them Jack suddenly shifts and leans up between them with his arms on the back of the seat.
"This was his." He says flatly. And Sam's confused before he catches the flash pain that twists Dean's face momentarily. "My father played this all the time when me and my mother were with him."
"Yeah," Dean says, clearing his throat. "Yeah, I mixed this tape for Cas."
Sam looks away and out the window to give his brother his space and a moment to compose himself.
"How do you...mix a tape?" Jack asks slowly, sounding all the world like a confused Cas.
Dean sends the boy a sad smile through the rear view mirror, "That's exactly what he said."
Sam's heart literally breaks for his brother.
"Mixing a tape is just a way of saying that I put all these songs from different tapes on one tape so you can listen to them together." Dean explains, and from the faraway look in his eyes Sam knows he's not really talking to Jack, but reliving the moment when he explained it to Cas.
"Yeah." Dean laughs, scratched the side of his face where his couple day old scrag is itching him. "This song always made me think about you Sammy, you know, but when Cas came along it made me think about him too. Cas deserved his wings, he never said anything but you could see it on his face before he'd disappear...he loved flying." Dean chuckles, "He was so put out when I told him I hated it." He laughs softly to himself again.
"So my father loved flying." Jack muses, eyes watching the landscape speed by them.
"Yes he did." Dean affirms softly, and they all ignore the wet, soft look in his eyes.
And they all ignore the scene they'd just left. The etching of the huge, magnificent wings of a very powerful angel on the earth. The sign of the fallen, the sign that a great warrior had been slain. Cas' wings and soaring soul forever laid to rest, along with his pure heart and the unconditional love he'd harbored for this earth, humanity...and his human.
The bruised and broken Dean Winchester, whose soul burned as brightly as ever with the fierce heat of his righteous anger. The man who had taken an angel and showed him the infinite goodness in human weakness, the risk worth taking in loving...
He didn't know it, but he'd given Castiel, angel of the Lord chances to go places he'd never dreamed of going and bigger, stronger, more beautiful wings then he could have ever hoped for. Dean and his 'go to hell' attitude had woken up something inside him, something that gave him the freedom and the wings he never knew he needed...
...faith, loyalty, dedication and lastly, but most importantly, love. And Cas had never looked back.
"When I found him whom my soul loves, I held him, and would not let go."
-Song of Solomon.
...the end.
And...I thought I didn't have anything to write about the episode lol...hope you guys enjoyed! REVIEW?! :):)
(((I hope I didn't offend anybody by quoting the Bible in this context. I didn't mean it in any "destiel" way. I honestly think Cas' love for Dean is amazing...and bordering on the sweetest obsession. Dean inspires such love and devotion in people, and it's beautiful the way Cas loves him like Dean loves everybody else. Unconditionally and selflessly.)))