Z is for Zounds
Rating: K+
Word Count: 1465
Written in May, 2008 to help wrap up the 2007 Alphabet Challenge. Takes place after the Season 4 ender, "When Worlds Collide."
There were few things that Don liked more than dinner at his family home. At least, not many that didn't involve members of the opposite sex and/or sports. Tonight was no exception.
Robin, Liz and Amita had gone to some "chick flick", leaving Don and Charlie without girlfriends for the night. After a quick poker game that had left Charlie with a stack of money, they had moved on to Scrabble.
It was good for the morale, even if it didn't get them their money back.
The small talk had begun with the heated elimination of topics of conversation.
"So, Liz and Robin are friends?" Alan asked. "I'm kind of surprised."
"I don't want to talk about that," grumbled Don.
"And where does Amita fit into this?" Alan pressed.
"Dad, I don't think…" Charlie wasn't allowed to finish.
"So, what's Millie up to these days?" Don asked.
"I don't want to talk about my girlfriend or my boss," Charlie interrupted.
"I don't want to talk about Millie in either her role as Charlie's boss or my girlfriend," Alan agreed. "And I don't want to talk about your work, either, Donnie."
"Well, I can't talk about my work in front of the felon here," Don replied gesturing at Charlie with his beer.
Charlie gaped. "I am not a felon until I get convicted!" he protested. He heard his own words and froze. "I mean, unless I get convicted," he croaked out after a few minutes.
"That's okay, Chuck," Don said. "We know English is your second language after math." To distract Charlie from his upcoming trial, Don nudged the munchies closer to him. "Have some deviled eggs."
"Speaking of math," Alan said. He gestured from Charlie to Larry. "Math is off limits, too!"
"Does that mean we're not keeping score?" Charlie asked hopefully.
Alan rolled his eyes. "Smart aleck. Okay, no math more complicated than what I learned in fifth grade." He gave his younger son a stern look. "I repeat, what I learned in fifth grade."
Charlie, who'd been doing differential calculus in fifth grade, sighed.
"So, what does that leave us?" Don asked.
His father and brother exchanged blank looks for a second. Larry continued to gloom at his Scrabble tiles as if they were the Worst Hand Ever.
"How 'bout them Dodgers?" Alan finally said.
That got Don and Charlie talking, even though Larry remained silent. The conversation rambled from the wretched year that the Dodgers were having (again) to college sports.
College sports brought the conversation to universities in general, which came perilously close to talking shop. However, it was Alan who steered the conversation that way, in spite of the fact that he had been the one to rule against talking about work.
"There are a lot of good universities back east," Alan mentioned casually. "Like Princeton."
"They don't have any good sports teams, do they?" Don asked of Charlie.
Charlie transferred his scowl from his six remaining letters to his brother. They were down to the end of their third game. Don could tell his little brother was determined to be the first one to get rid of all his letters.
Don didn't think that Charlie had a chance of winning the game, but he supposed that being the first one to finish would take the edge off somewhat.
"I never paid that much attention to sports while I was at Princeton," he huffed.
"In other words, they were pathetic," Don smirked.
Larry, who had his chin propped on his fist, was apparently too deep in thought to pay attention to the discussion.
Alan rearranged his five remaining tiles and said. "I understand that Brown has a good astrophysics department."
Larry raised his chin from his fist and frowned. "Zounds, Alan, I am beginning to think that you wish to be rid of me."
"I do not!" Alan denied vehemently. "I was just pointing out that if you wished to move back east to be with Megan, you could do so. It's obvious that you are miserable without her."
"I am not miserable," Larry denied. "And I thought relationships were verboten topics."
"I thought work was forbidden, too," Don said with a frown at his father.
"I thought making up words was illegal," Charlie put in.
All three of the others frowned at him. "Who made up a word," Don asked, examining the Scrabble board with eagle eyes.
"Larry just did, with that 'zounds' comment," Charlie complained.
Don gave him a disgusted look and took back the munchies. "Chuck, the rule about not making up words only applies to the game. Otherwise, Larry is free to make up whatever…"
Now it was Don's turn to be interrupted.
"I beg your pardon?" Larry said with a faint air of indignation. "I did not make up that word!"
Don and Charlie exchanged shrugs.
"I assure you that 'zounds' is a perfectly good English word," Larry huffed. "It was originally a contraction of 'God's Wounds'…"
"A contraction is not a word!" Charlie scoffed. "It's two words."
Larry gave him what should have been a quelling look. Unfortunately for him, Charlie didn't quell easily. He heaved a deep sigh. "Charles, pay attention."
Don laughed out loud at hearing his brother treated like a high school student.
Charlie would have shot Don a dirty look, except Larry reached over and yanked on his curls. "I said that the word was ORIGINALLY a contraction. It is now a word."
"Is not," Charlie pulled his hair out of Larry's hand.
"Yes, it is," Larry insisted.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," Alan said. "Larry, if you're going to act as juvenile as my sons, then you're doing the dishes tonight."
"Well, there's an easy way of settling this," Don said. He picked up the copy of The Official Scrabble Players Dictionary.
"That's for the game," Charlie said, frowning at Don.
"Don't be so picky, Chuck," Don said. He leafed to the back and read, "Zounds: Interjection. A mild oath used to express anger, surprise, or indignation. Shortening and alteration of God's wounds! "
"See, Charles?" Larry said triumphantly. He laid down his tiles. "There, 'Q-U-I-T', that will be…" He made a face. "Thirteen points, please."
Alan duly noted that score. He looked at his younger son and smirked slightly. "I need a beer," he said. "Since it's Charlie's turn, I guess I'll have plenty of time." He stood up and stretched.
"No, you won't," Charlie replied. He plunked down his remaining tiles.
"ZOUNDS?" Don blurted.
"Zounds!" exclaimed Larry.
"Hey, no fair! You can't look up a word before you use it!" Alan complained.
"I didn't," Charlie said smugly. "I just disputed that it was a word and Don looked it up."
"He's got you there, Pops," Don said.
Alan glared, but sat down again. "Okay, what have we here? 10, 1, 1, 1 and a 2 for 'zounds', that's sixteen. You tacked it on to Larry's quit, so you get 14 points for 'quits'. So, thirty points for the two words and…" he lifted the 's' tile to look at the pink tile underneath. "You get double word points on both words."
"Sixty!" crowed Charlie.
"Plus the amount on the tiles that we have left," Don informed him.
"All right!" Charlie was on his feet, bouncing.
His grand total for 'zounds' wound up being seventy-six. However, his sudden windfall didn't win the game for him. He was five points behind Don and seventeen points behind his father.
However, he beat Larry by thirteen points.
"How ironic, my word enabled him to defeat me," Larry mourned.
Charlie rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Looks like you need a beer, Lawrence! Dad, shall I fetch one for you?"
"Thanks, Charlie," Alan replied.
"I think I've had my limit," Larry said.
"You're staying the night, aren't you?" Charlie asked. "You're not driving anywhere, are you?"
Larry considered that. "Excellent point, Charles. I believe I will have another beer."
"What have we got to eat?" Don asked. "I'm starving."
He followed Charlie into the kitchen, and then hovered near the door to listen.
"I suppose it's petty of me to begrudge Charles his small victory," Larry sighed.
"You're obviously off your game," Alan said.
"You're right," Larry conceded. "I really should consider a move back east. But first, I shall visit Megan and find out what her thoughts on the matter are."
"Looks like I'm going to lose the services of both my top consultants," Don muttered.
"What was that?" Charlie asked.
"I just said I think that Larry will be moving back east, Chuck," Don said.
"Oh," Charlie sighed. "Well, I guess I can't blame him. C'mon, there's cheese and crackers for snacks."
"You know what I have to say about you getting a good idea, Charlie?" Don asked.
Charlie sighed. "What?"
"Zounds!"