Resolve From Anxiety to Impatience

by Yunkel

The Rescue Rangers have all they need in their HQ: bedrooms, kitchen, TV, etc. But what would happen if they hadn't had a bathroom? What would happen in a case of emergency? Read the experience of Dale with this problematic issue. Ver 1.2

Resolve. From Anxiety to Impatience Ver 1.2

Disclaimer: I do not own Chip N' Dale Rescue Rangers, they belong to my good friend Tad Stones & Disney.

What's new on ver 1.2? Nothing! Just a few grammar corrections.

(1992 DR) The Year of the Happy Endings.

Sunday 6:27 p.m., Rescue Rangers HQ

Dale was watching cartoons with the happiness that characterizes him. It was his favorite episode from the Road Runner, where the coyote spreads glue in the road hoping to catch the cunning bird. Predictable, the Road Runner was not affected by the glue when he passed over, leaving the puzzled coyote wondering what went wrong, and then test the trap himself, resulting in him getting glued to the road only to be run over by a steamroller five seconds later.

Dale laughed so loud, that even Gadget, closed in her workshop, heard him. Chip happened to pass by the living room and saw that last scene too, bringing him hateful memories. Just last Sunday, Dale had played him a joke based on that episode.

He had spread glue at the entrance of the HQ and then lured Chip into the trap. The problem was that Dale used too much glue, and it took Monterey and Gadget two hours to free Chip, at the painful cost of patches of fur from his legs that just recently were beginning to grow back.

Chip had promised he would never fall into any of his jokes again, he was going to be more careful now.

The cartoon was over, and like everyone else, Dale didn't watch the credits and turned the T.V. off.

"Time for work," he said to nobody in particular. For Dale there were two kinds of jobs: resolving cases, and going to the bathroom. The latter was not just a bodily necessity, it was an action that required time, energy, willpower and in certain degree, skill, the same requirements for resolving cases.

'We have a kitchen, a garage, a T.V, two planes, but we don't have a darn restroom inside our house. We should call an army of termites and a plumber or something to do the piping,' thought Dale while heading to the main door.

Indeed, the lack of the precious room was replaced by the park itself. When one of the rangers needed to "go", they just had to leave discreetly, walk a considerable distance, hide in a bush or behind a tree (depending on the user's mood) and use Nike's slogan "just do it".

To Dale's misfortune, Chip had heard his comment and stepped in front of him, arms crossed.

"Where do you think you are going?" He asked.
"That's none of your business," Dale answered with a sneer.
"It is," assured Chip, "tell me or I won't let you go".

Dale loved challenges, and even more if the challenger was his good friend Chip.

"If you want to stop me that bad, then kill me! Of course, before that happens, you might die too." Dale taunted, but Chip only narrowed his eyes.
"Take it easy, Chip, I didn't mean it, now please move aside, I really need to go out."
"No," repeated Chip, "not until you tell me your intentions, and if you try to lie to me, I'll know".

The smell of cheese flooded the living room, Monty was preparing his classic "quesadillas", which was nothing more than a taco but instead of meat it had four varieties of cheese.

The pungent smell brought Gadget out from her workshop, or rather, Gadget's stomach did, she hadn't had any food since breakfast.

"Hi guys," she greeted, but received no answer in return. When Chip and Dale ignored Gadget, that was for two reasons:

1. There was another female among them, prettier or wearing sexier clothes than she, or
2. They were fighting.

The former was, of course, discarded. Moments later Monty and Zipper came from the kitchen announcing dinner was ready. The three sighed.

"I need to go out Chip and I don't have to explain you why."
"No you don't and I don't have to let you pass".

Gadget decided to intervene and approached both chipmunks.

"Dale why you want to go out? It's kinda cool outside."
"Gadget luv is right, mate, ye could catch a cold," Monty warned.
"My reasons are my own," said Dale, as if those words explained it all. He was not going to admit that he felt the need to go to the bathroom after holding for two hours.

"You are planning another of your jokes again like last week," Chip accused him, pointing a finger in his direction.
"That's not true!" Dale countered immediately.
"Then tell us what's the hurry?!" Chip pressed.
"I'm going to do what we do outside, okay?" Dale said, hoping those words ended the discussion. They did not.

"And what are you going to do outside that cannot be done inside?"
"Take a walk?" suggested Gadget.
"Breathe fresh air?" suggested Monty.

Dale understood. His friends knew he was in "need" and wanted to annoy him a little. Dale actually smiled, he liked that, finally some of his sense of humor had stuck on them.

"Alright guys, you had your fun, now if you excuse me..." The red-nosed chipmunk tried to sidestep his friend only to be blocked again, this time by Monterey Jack. He realized then that his friends really were afraid of his jokes.

"I'm not planning a joke, promise!" Exclaimed Dale.

Gadget saw the truth in his eyes because usually Dale's bluffs ended with uncontrollable laughs. "Why don't we let him out but with Zipper along so he can watch him?"
"Heck no!" immediately answered Dale.
"Good idea Gadget," Chip pointed out, "if you want to go out, one of us will accompany you."

Dale knew his body well, any more delays and there would be "problems", he had no other choice but to admit his cause. "Okay, okay, I'm going to do the... "things" we do outside because we don't have a bathroom in our house! There, happy?! Now, out of my way!!"

Gadget couldn't help but blush covering her mouth, Monty did a despised gesture and shook his head, Zipper shrugged and Chip bonked Dale. "Dale, you indecent fool, how dare you say something like that in front of Gadget?!"

The pain traveled from his head to his neck, passing onto the spine and headed all the way down to the tip of his tail. Dale had to make use of all his will, his reflexes and his fortitude to stop what could have been his most embarrassing moment in his entire life.

"You know, Chip, that bonk could have caused an accident that we would have regretted, especially me, but I have not the time nor am I in the mood to discuss it right now".

Saying this and stroking his head, Dale opened the door and went out. His friends only stared at the closing door. No one spoke.

The red-nosed chipmunk reached to the base of tree all the while planning his revenge. "You'll pay for this Chip, I'm going to glue you to the... no wait, already done that".

From there he just needed to walk (or in this case run) a few meters away, but a sudden voice made him stop in his tracks.

"Hello cutie," regarded a female voice from above him. A voice Dale hadn't heard in weeks but nevertheless a voice he knew too well. He didn't want to look up, so he just closed his eyes, made a fist with his right hand, and muttered something.

One pair of wings hugged him from the back almost enveloping him completely, a warm breath warmed his ears. "Miss me, cute stuff?" The bat's hug strengthened a bit more, and Dale's body sent him a warning.

"Foxy," Dale said, surprised and pretending to be happy. The bat giggled and Dale, slowly—so as not to give alarm—seized the opportunity to escape from the grapple. "What the... what a nice surprise!"

The bat smiled in reply and added, "I have come to visit you... and the other rangers of course, but I happend to see you before I reached the door… what are you doing here alone?" she asked bending her head a little to the left.

"I... ehh, I come out to... I'm just taking a walk to, you know, breathe fresh air." Dale made a mental note to thank Gadget and Monty later.

"Isn't it a little cold for a walk?" asked Foxglove.
"No it isn't," Dale tried to control his shaking knees, "it's the perfect weather for people like me," he put a thumb in his chest.
"Great, can I come along?"

"OF COURSE NOT!!" The sudden loud answer saddened Foxy's features. The meeting was going bad, and Dale had to act fast.

"I mean no you cannot, because I... I must resolve a problem and walking alone helps me relax and clear my mind," he explained, trying to sound important.

"Is there something wrong?" asked Foxy, concerned.
"No, no, it's a problem Chip gave me as a test to prove my usefulness to the team."
"He makes you tests to prove your worth to the team?" Foxy felt rather astounded and angry with Chip.
"Yes. No. Occasionally. Sort of, but not exacly."

"I don't think I understand."
"It was my idea in the first place, you know, to keep me well trained and all." Said Dale.
"But why...?"
'This bat wants to kill me with all those questions,' Dale thought while watching but not listening to Foxy's inquires. I need to get rid of her now.

"...seems strange for me..." Foxy was saying when Dale interrupted her.
"Foxy, why don't you go on ahead to the HQ and wait for me there? I'll catch up soon."
"Will you, sweetie?" she smiled and approached dangerously very close.
"Yes I will. Go and eat something. Monty prepared those succulent 'quesadias'—or whatever he calls them—with four kinds of cheese," Dale kissed his own paw, "his specialty,"

"But I don't eat cheese," Foxglove complained, while Dale generously pushed her.
"Give it a try, you will not regret it."
Foxglove extended her wings "Ok, don't be late".
"Don't worry, you'll not notice my abscence, oh and, don't tell the guys I told you about the test, it would subtract me points.

"Ok, I won't". Foxglove flew to the Ranger's main door and Dale turned tail and ran.
"I'm a genius. I congratulate myself," he said aloud, shaking his own hands.

Soon he paced far enough to do what he had planned to do since the beginning, a quick inspection around revealed no other animal close by, and Dale smiled. "Finally," he said while getting in position, but suddenly he heard yet another voice.

A human voice.

"What do we have here?" said John Ranger (an animal expert from Animal Planet) appearing from behind some bushes and lifting Dale by his Hawaiian shirt. Another human handing a camera approached from the opposite direction.

The first man turned to the camera and smiling explained, "This is an American chipmunk."

The man made a quick check, "This furry fellow was ready to mark his territory, which normally should be more or less 7 kilometers in diameter, but here in the park, it should be 200 meters.

Dale's fear quickly turned into anger, "I was not marking anything!! Put me down!!"

"Wow," said John. "Looks like he is very angry for being interrupted in the middle of his duties. Come on, little buddy, will you forgive me if I give you this delicious acorn?" The man took out an acorn from his pocket and handed it to Dale, who tossed it as soon as he grabbed it.

"Nope, this little friend won't accept my bribe." The man pointed at Dale's hands with his free hand, "You see those paws? They are perfectly made to help him climb easily on trees, to escape predators. And look at that, he has an amazing big red nose. Did you catch a cold, chum? He he he he…"

"He he he…" Dale imitated the human's laugh with sarcasm. "Stupid."

"It's not uncommon these days to see animals wearing clothes as if they where humans," the man explained to the camera. "We think the children nowadays have fun in dressing them, and in this case someone did a joke to you pal, or he/she has the worst tastes in clothes I've ever seen," John said, pointing to Dale's shirt.

"What do you have against my Hawaiian shirt? At least is better than yours!" Dale shouted, though knowing the human would not understand him.

"Tell you what comrade," the human reached to his pocket again, "since we bothered you, I'm going to give you a present I know you're gonna love." John took out this time a pair of rodent-sized trousers made of rubber and put them in front of Dale.

"No! I don't want those trousers!!" he said in despair, extending and shaking his paws.

"Cute isn't he? He really wants the trousers. I knew he was going to like my present." With little effort, the man put the trousers on Dale. "Oops, a little loose," noted John. "I'll fix this small detail with this." With a piece of wire, John made a belt and made sure to tighten it well with a knot. Dale clinched his teeth. The man put Dale on the ground. "There, go and show off those excellent pants to your friends!" As soon as Dale touched the ground he ran away from the crazy humans, but managed to hear, "Oh, and don't worry," the man explained to the camera. "He will manage to remove the trousers after an hour or two by gnawing, so he'll not suffer an accident at the time of marking his territory."

Once alone, Dale cursed his bad luck, he tried to pull down his trousers. He Couldn't.

"Stupid trousers!" he said, stretching them, but to no avail. The belt held the trousers firmly. He needed to undo it first but the knot the human did was no small challenge. Dale felt is stomach complain, this time harder than before. "Come on, hold a little longer" asked Dale his body.

Dale's body entered in red alert.

Intestine: "What's the matta with this guy? "We've holdin' for more than 2 hours, and the bastard is askin' us to keep holdin'."
Bladder: "Relax...no wait, don't relax, stay calm. He must have his reasons."
Intestine: (shaking himself), "And what reason is more importan' than this?"
Bladder: "Hey, he is the boss, if he want us to hold, we hold. Besides, aside for bothering him with your continuous shakes, you cannot do nothing, the gates are closed remember?"

Intestine: Ha ha ha, ye' see that lever ove' there man?
The bladder nodded.

Intestine: "Do Ye know wat it das'?"
Bladder: "No idea."

The intestine smiled (yes, it smiled), "It is an emergency lever," he explained, calmly. "If I pull down that lever, oll' the emergency gates will be opened no matter if da boss wants it or not," he sneered.

The bladder was wise enough to not dare the intestine.

Bladder: "Look, Charlie, I know you are stressed, but please give him thirty more minutes."
Charlie: "Thirty minutes!," he shouted, "I'll be dead in thirty minutes if I don't download the cargo, and with me ye' all!" he pointed to all the other organs in his field of vision.

Bladder: "Make it twenty then."
Charlie: "Not gonna do."
Bladder: "Ten . You owe me $30 dollars, Charlie, I'll forget the debt if you wait."

Charlie was not convinced

Bladder: "Please..."
Charlie: "Okay Blad'r, but at the first sign of smoke I'll pull it."
Bladder: "Agreed."
Charlie: "I'll pull it Blad'r, I mean it."
Bladder: (nodding), "Okay,okay."

Outside the body…

Dale tried in vain to untie the knot for several times. "Stupid knot, stupid knot". He finally gave up. And anxiety evolved into impatience.

"What can I do? What can I do?" Dale's mind raced for ideas, unfortunately all of them made no sense or were impossible. "Doing it" with the pants on was out of question.

"If I could only kill the stupid knot..." he sighed. "Kill the knot! That's it! I need something sharp to cut it and the only thing sharp enough is a knife. But where could I find a knife around here?" Dale's sight went up. There in a close tree the Rescue Rangers logo shined like the sun. "The kitchen!" Dale snapped his fingers. "But what if the guys see me? And Foxy's there too," Dale murmured. "To the hell with it all, I have no time to waste."

The red-nosed chipmunk ran in all fours to the tree, he reached it in 30 seconds, climb it in half that time. The door was closed, and Dale approached, moving silently. He put a ear onto it, and heard laughs and Foxglove talking. They were surely in the lounge, the kitchen was just to the right of the entrance and didn't have a door. He only needed to open silently the door and slip away without being seen. "Easy task," he said softly.

Dale opened the door, no sound was made. He peeked, saw everybody seated, talking. He measured the space between the kitchen and the main door. Six paces, three seconds. No more. Dale advanced a step, and Chip spotted him.

"DALE! What took you so long? And... where you get those trousers?" Chip's statement made all others turn to Dale's direction who stood stunned, only his eyes blinked.

"Hi again, cutie" Foxy waved a wing, "Are you feeling more relaxed now?"
Chip frowned. "Relaxed...? Y-you told her what were you doing?"
"I d-did not," managed to answer Dale.

"He didn't tell me a thing Chip" Foxglove turned to the chipmunk with the fedora, raising her voice. She was not going to tolerate that his "friend" made him do test to prove his usefulness. "I saw him from the sky while flying towards here."

Chip, Monty and Zipper's chins fell, Gadget's cheeks turned red.

"You... saw him?" asked Chip, surprised and scared.
"Yes, and I can't believe you made him do that."
"ME?" yelled Chip. "I.. what... how?"
"You are supposed to be a team! If you are going to do that stuff, you should do it all together, not just Dale."

"Golly!" Gadget almost fainted.
"Crikey, that reminds me of an old tribe in Ghana, who had those kinds of habits. They had specific hours to do so, based by the position of the sun or the stars, and their timing was as precise as Big Ben".

"Are you out of you mind?" asked Chip. That made her mad. She slapped Chip.
"I'm the one who should be slapping you," insisted Chip, only to be slapped again.
"STOP!!!" yelled Dale. "This is a huge misunderstanding. I'll explain it all in a moment, just stay there, don't move and don't talk." He went to the kitchen leaving the door open.

Foxglove folded her wings, turning her back to leader of the Rangers and closing her eyes, and Chip was stroking his cheeks. Monty and Gadget came to help him.

"It's ok, I'm fine," he assured them.
"What's going on?" asked Gadget.
"I don't know, but I'm about to find out, you stay here with Foxglove, and I'll go talk with Dale."
"Easy, Chippah, don't let this quarrel grow."
"I'll try," Chip promised.

Chip went after Dale to the kitchen. "Okay, Dale, you have 30 seconds to explain me what's going on, and it better be good or…" Chip couldn't finish his sentence after seen Dale with a knife in his crotch, trying to cut something there. "What the..."

"Chip, help me. This knife is not sharp enough to cut the belt." Chip got closer and saw exactly what his friend was trying to do.
"You scared me! From the door of the kitchen it appeared as if you were..."
"Leave that for later!" urged Dale. "A stupid human put on me these stupid trousers and belt before I "do that'!"
"You haven't 'done' it yet? Then Foxglove didn't saw you..."

"Hurry Chip, I don't know if I can hold much longer."
Chip understood the critical situation and knelt before Dale. "Ok, let me see..."

Inside Dale's body…

Charlie: "That's it, I'm pullin' it."
Bladder: "No, Charlie, the ten minutes have not passed yet."
Charlie: "I don' care," —Charlie reached for the lever—

Bladder: "Please Charlie, pulling the lever will cause a catastrophe, think about your children."
Charlie: "Me... me boys..." he released the lever, his expression showing concern.
Bladder: "Yes, Charlie, your boys."

Charlie: (realization struck him fast), "I don' have any boys! I'm an intestine, man!"
Bladder: "No, Charlie! Three more minutes, for goodness sake!"
Charlie: "I'm smelin' smoke, Blad'r, and I told you what would happen if I smelled smoke."

Bladder: "That's not smoke, Charlie, you know that! Be a man and respect the deal!" The bladder's stare was so hard and dangerous that even Charlie feelt frightened. Blad'r had never yelled him before.
Charlie: "Ok. Three minutes Blad'r'. Three minutes and counting."

Outside…

"I can't!" admitted Chip. "This knot is beyond my abilities."
"Keep trying!" ordered Dale, his head soaked in sweat.

At that very moment Monterey and Zipper entered the kitchen. Monty winked at the chipmunks, one standing, the other kneeling in front of the other, "I do hope I'm not interrupting anything," said the big mouse.

"Monty, Zipper, come and help me too!!" Dale told them.
"Eh.. sorry Dale me lad, we decided long ago to love only cheese and women." Zipper supported the remark by nodding
Chip realized what Monty meant. "Hey?" he quickly leaped up.

"Kiddin' there Chippah, tell me what can ol' Monty do to help?"
"A human seized Dale, or so he says, and put on him these trousers and that belt before he could 'do that' and now neither he nor I can untie that odd knot."
"Hurry please, hurry!!" begged Dale, both is paws made into fists.

"Let me take a look at it." Monty kneeled in front of Dale and studied the knot. " By my grand grandfather's gray moustache, haven't seen one of these in ages. It is called the shield knot, last time I saw' one was back in 1962 at the ruins of Ched Nasad where me and me..."

"Save it for later, Monty! Can you undo it?" wanted to know Chip.
"Not sure, but let me try." Monty started to pull the belt and Dale with it.

Charlie: "Time is runnin' out," he putted a hand on the lever.
Bladder: "Wait, Charlie..."

"Careful, Monty!" warned Chip.
"Monty," said Dale panting. "If you don't untie it now, there will be no need to untie it ever."

Monterey was under pressure, which was good because he worked better that way.

Gadget entered the kitchen in that moment. "It was all a misunderstanding. Foxglove wants to apologize to you, Chip and..." she suddenly stood frozen.

And of course she would be frozen after seeing Monty kneeling in front of Dale, his hands working fast in is crotch, Chip and Zipper watching carefully and saying, "Come on, Monty, you can do it".

"Erm.. guys?" she called, her voice showing fear.
"Done pally!" said the australian mouse, removing the belt. Dale suppressed a yell.
"Go, go, go!" Chip pointed at the door.

Dale lowered his pants and threw them away. They fell on poor Zipper.

"Kyaaaa!!!" was Gadget's turn to scream, again her cheeks crimson red.

Dale ran as never before, the Road Runner would be a snail in comparison. He passed the living room ignoring Foxglove's call and passing the door.

"What happened to you, Gadget?" asked Chip.

"Sorry, it was just a reaction after seeing a male suddenly removing his trousers in front of me, even though I know you don't wear them at all, but my feminine instincts took control of my mind for 1.43 seconds, sending an immediate order to my vocal chords to express panic as if I had seen a mouse. Well a mouse for a human woman that is because I am a mouse myself, and I wouldn't be scared by watching one of my own species, though I admit certain mice make me shiver, but not to the point of making me scream or lose control of myself. Perhaps I would go as far as to say: 'golly that mouse makes me shiver' or 'jeepers this mouse gives me the creeps' so it all depends if I'm alone or not because I use golly when I'm with you all and jeepers when I'm not, but if you watch carefully not always I apply that rule..."

As Gadget continued talking, Monty was helping Zipper.

"Gadget," said the leader of the Rescue Rangers.
"... all those traps in my life... yes Chip?"
"Enough."
"Sorry, is was just a..."
"Enough, Gadget".

Meanwhile Dale had reached the ground, he had jumped the last meter and thus felt pain in his legs but didn't care. He continued running to the first bush he saw.

Charlie: "Time out Blad'r."
Bladder: "Ten more seconds Charilie, please!"
Charlie: "Time out!" He pulled the lever down.

Dale screamed in agony and the rangers heard it, John heard it, the whole city heard it. All the birds in the park took off, a guard of a museum woke up, a man's glass shattered, a long ago broken radio worked again, an old woman crossed herself, México's soccer team failed a penalty, Castro did a happy dance, a horse threw himself into a pool, the Ghanaian tribe took it as a signal and went to the bathroom, and an army of space aliens dropped their plans to conquer the Earth and withdrew.

The scream melted into tears and the tears melted into laughs, lots of laughs.

After a few moments, Dale stood, feeling somehow weak. Sighing, he didn't bother to look back, he had made it just in time. With no other words that could describe the epic event, Dale raised a thumb and said, "Another exhaustive job, well done."

The end.

Credits:

Yes, even this short fanfic has many people who deserve to be thanked:

Dr. Indy
Owlor
Tamira
Christaub
Silver Shadow
Lilacstarprint

And very special thanks to The J.A.M.

Thank you friends, without your help and support, this fanfic would not be here. Thanks to you too, reader, for taking the time to read my first Rescue Rangers & writed in English fic. I'd be really glad to hear your thoughts about it.

"In such situations, when layer is put upon layer, when all is a facade, wound within webs of deception, the truth is what you make of it."