Disclaimer
: If I owned any part of Stargat SG-1, I would have never allowed the mistake of letting Michael Shanks leave to have been made. Ever. The song is Def Leppard's Long, Long Way to Go from their brand spanking new album, X, that won't be released till July 30th. It's a great album, by the by. (Hey... sometimes it's really nice having connections in the music biz. ;o)Note
: Anxiously counting down and impatiently awaiting Abyss!! And to celebrate, I will add to the many Jack and Daniel loving, Meridian-in-denial fics. So, here you go ::tosses writings into cyberspace like confetti:: Enjoy!!Spoilers
: Season 5: Meridian. And it's almost the 19th! :o)Long, Long Way to Go
by Hayla
~*~
The fact that he chose me wasn't any help. Christ... he made me do it. Made me feel responsible. I didn't hate him. Not then... But, I told Jacob to stop. I let him slip away. Ascension... not ascension... I won't even pretend to understand any of it. It's not my thing. Never was. I'm a military man. Hell, show me the enemy and I will be sure to blow him up.
But Daniel was different. From the very first time we went to Abydos, I knew it. He knew it. Never was any good with a weapon. Never got into the whole military lingo thing. Always had some gripe about his fatigues. He was an optimist... almost a damn pacifist in comparison to the rest of us. But that was him... that was Doctor Daniel Jackson.
I walked down the SGC corridors. I didn't really have a destination. I had free time for the moment. I hated it when I had down time... especially now. It gave me time to think. I'm not a good man to be left to his thoughts.
It's so strange. I know it was what he wanted. He stood there before me, Oma and the Stargate all shimmering behind him, and I was transfixed. I let him tell me what to do. I let Daniel die. If you call it that... I don't know what to say... but he's gone. Just gone. Christ he flatlined while we all just stood there and watched. Fucking coward... that's what I am.
Who was he anyway? Telling me what to do? Wasn't I the head of SG-1. Don't I make the decisions? So why the hell did I make Jacob stop. Why the hell did I think that Daniel knew what was better for him?
I punched the door to some office as I passed down the hall. I bit my bottom lip as I realized that it probably hurt me more than the door. Holding my fist, I cursed under my breath. Like I said. Don't leave me alone with my thoughts too long. I get guilty... and very angry.
The thing that killed me was that I didn't say anything. Not a damn thing. Whether it was dream or reality... it didn't matter. I could say nothing to Daniel. Nothing about how much I wanted him to stay... how much I needed him to stay No... the great Colonel Jack O'Neill needed no one apparently. Why else did I just say to him 'see you around'?? What was that!! I don't blame him for leaving. Even in those final moments I choked. I could never tell him what he always wanted to hear.
Now I was left guilty, wondering if those few precious words would have made him stay. Would have made him decide to keep on living... to stay with me...
You held my hand,
And then you slipped away...
And I may never
See your face again...
A turn here... an opened door there... and before I knew it I found myself in the last place I wanted to be. It's Daniel's office. I haven't been here since... since... Christ.
I told Hammond that I would go through everything. That I would organize it and make sure things were put in proper order- that the arrangements were made. He knew I wasn't the person to do it. But I argued... I was his commanding officer... sorta. That gave me full right and reason to be the one. That was a week ago and I had yet to step even a foot towards his office... until now.
Pieces of him were all around. The disheveled order that was the way he liked his working space haunted me. Pieces of him... everywhere. It sent a chill down my spine. I wasn't ready for this yet. I turned to leave when I saw it... a small corner of a bamboo frame that was sticking out of an open drawer. I smiled slightly. I recognized it because its twin rested on a bookshelf back home.
I sat down in the old chair and pushed a few papers out of the way, opening the drawer fully. I held my breath for a second. His smile was always what got me. That grin that seemed to widen when he saw me... his eyes that slightly closed and twinkled with laughter...
I could almost hate this picture. Almost... It reminded me of what I would never have again. That one moment of happiness where we weren't battling for the safety of Earth... when we weren't ambassador's of peace or whatever the hell you wanted to call it. The picture within was one of those few precious moments were we were just two men. Just happy to be alive for the moment... happy to be in each other's company... happy that we weren't alone anymore.
Daniel hated the woods. He hated the whole roughing it idea, but he went along because I loved it. He went because I enjoyed it. He once told me that if I had to spend endless missions listening to his drabble about alien technology and the importance that a single equation would have on the overall body and physicality of Naqahdah, then he could surely learn to fish. Or he said something close to that. Everyone knows how good I am with the technicals.
The story behind the picture wasn't anything too special. It was one of our very few escapes alone together after we decided to see if we could make go of something more than friendship. I took him to a lake outside The Springs where I used to go to with Charlie . It was a good place for making memories. Always had been.
The picture was taken towards the end of the disastrously perfect trip. I had burned my hand while trying to make a fire and had it wrapped up in a bandage that was four sizes bigger than the hand itself. Daniel had broken one of his lenses and complained that he saw cross eyed for most of the trip. We caught no fish and ended up the days with a warm bowl of beans or ramen. He had grown sick of it all and told me a few weeks later that during the night, he had snuck down to the jeep and headed into town for some McDonald's. I slapped him on the shoulder and asked him why he didn't get me anything. I was starving!
I won't even go into the mess with the tent. It seemed that I had accidentally packed away the single tent with room for a man barely half my size. Daniel still insisted that I did it on purpose because the squeeze for both of us in there was quite tight. But we made due, without much complaint, mind you.
This picture was taken with Daniel's camera. I insisted that I could figure out the auto-timer. About seven tries later, I finally set it just right. I had my horribly bandaged hand around his shoulders. His glasses, with the one lens, was off skelter because I had knocked them with my speedy return before the camera went off again. We were both hysterically laughing. We had run out of film by then, so that was our treasured memory.
I changed my mind. I absolutely loved this picture. But now, I longed for those times again. It hurt that I wouldn't be able to relive those memories except for in my daydreams. A block of ice settled in the pit of my stomach as the reality of it all set in. I would never be able to hold Daniel again.
So tell me how to fill
The emptiness inside.
Without love,
What is life?
"He looked so happy."
I jumped about two feet off my seat in surprise.
"Jesus, Carter!" I tried to collect myself quickly and clutched my chest in mock horror. It had been awhile since anyone had been able to startle me like that. "Give a guy a heart attack why don't ya."
"Sorry, sir," she said sheepishly as she straightened up from looking over my shoulder. "The door was open and I... I just... I needed to..."
"I know," I said softly, turning again to the picture in my hand. She breathed a sigh of relief now knowing that she wasn't the only one who needed to be near Daniel again. Her eyes eventually returned to the frame I was holding. We were silent for a moment.
"Quite honestly, I don't know how you did it, sir."
I looked up at her questioningly, eye brow arched. "Did what, Carter?"
She half smiled as a certain memory took hold of her. Her eyes lit up a bit as she talked. "He hated the outdoors. With a passion."
"Yeah," I agreed knowingly. "He always tried to teach me the joys of looking at ancient objects behind glass and rope." I never really understood the point of museums. "It never did stick."
"Yes, or the finer points in historical text. He was such a romantic about it all. Remember how he would just lock himself away in here? Just reading for hours and hours..." Her voice became almost a whisper as she looked around the small room and the many shelves. "God, how he loved these books."
I nodded.
"But," she zeroed in on me again, "he always loved spending time with you, more. No matter where it was, or what he had planned for that day."
I was silent for a moment. Sometimes it struck me so odd the way Carter just saw things without being told. Woman's intuition could always learn a lesson or two from her. I knew what she was implying and I faltered for words, finally ending with the only thing I could think of...
"Were we really that transparent?"
She focused on me for a brief moment, her features stern in thought. Finally she decided something and spoke her mind again. "It was more of a... feeling, sir. I can't explain it, exactly. But, things just felt different." She smiled again. "Warmer, even."
I nodded slowly and found amusement in the floor for a second. "I miss him, Sam."
I just let the words slip out before I could stop them. It wasn't my intention to talk to Carter about him like that. It was too personal, too soon.
I tensed at the sudden exposure I had let myself fall into. I wasn't supposed to just let it all out like that... the last person I ever truly let my guard down to completely was Daniel. I needn't to have worried, though. This was Carter, I reminded myself. Our friend...
"I know. Me too."
She could always say just the right words to stop my worrying. She never judged... just understood that we were all hurting right now. And in the end, friendship was all that mattered.
Silence filled the room once again, and even though I did not look up, I could tell that she was about to cry. There was a small sniffing sound. She excused herself suddenly, reminding me of a briefing in two hours. And then I was alone again. Alone only with memories and bitter nostalgia.
And anyone who knew
Us both could see,
We always were
The better part of me...
There was one thing about myself that may seem plainly obvious, but took me a long time to realize. I am not a loner. I tried to fool myself countless times, convinced that I didn't need anyone. I had my team. I had my health. I had my own little life. That was enough. That's all I ever needed.
You see... Teal'c, Carter, Daniel... I knew that they were my friends. That they cared about my well being for the most part, maybe even loved me a little. But, I couldn't accept that fully. I had my chance at a normal life. With my wife in marriage... with my son in fatherhood... then with retirement in self loathing. I failed in every area. You see, I was good at what I did. Feeling old and depressed was never part of the deal.
It took Daniel to make me realize that there was more than that out there. There was a time for friendship and a time for work. But, there was also a time to need someone. You see, even now I found it hard to say these words, but yes... there was a time to love someone.
I was annoyed by Daniel. Pissed off, really, that he knew so damn much... then he grew on me and I trusted him with things... like my life. But it wasn't till he tried to get close to me that I really got all in arms. I didn't need anyone like that in my life. But the more I pushed it away, the more it kept coming back to slap me in the face.
Danny never took the hint. He said I both annoyed and fascinated him. The feeling was mutual. A lot of things were mutual. He couldn't understand it, and neither could I.
Opposites attract is quite possibly the most bull shit phrase ever to be used in the English language. We weren't opposites. We were the same. I realized it now that that other half has gone away. Now I see how much I really needed that certain connection in my life. Now, I don't know how to go on without it...
You see, I thought I was supposed to like being a loner. I wasn't supposed to need someone in my life to give it meaning. I just...
I never wanted ,
To be this free.
And all this pain,
Doesn't go away...
I was doing my damn well best to ignore the person who sat across from me at the table. In fact, I was doing such a good job of it, that there were actually moments that lapsed by in the briefing that I completely forget Jonas was there at all.
General Hammond was droning on about some ancient text on P15X... something or other. I always zoned out after the first few digits. Hell knows why we can't just call it planet Bob for all I care. I was in one of those moods. I couldn't pay attention, and everything was annoying me. Going through some of Daniel's things hadn't helped to improve my disposition.
I realized that my presence wasn't even really needed at this meeting. I couldn't provide any understanding of text... had no knowledge of Magonian history... in fact it has always been just useless gibberish to me. Most of it, anyways.
The conversation and briefing eventually turned to assigning jobs to the members of SG-1. I yawned widely, already knowing I had no purpose in pre-mission operations except for assessing any danger and possible threats. Since this was an uninhabited planet, my work would be minimal at best.
"Right," Hammond spoke as he shifted through a few more papers in his hands. "That only leaves the time consuming task of translation in the lower temple area by the DHD."
"Come on, you know Daniel here just loves to..." I broke off, my hand hanging in mid-gesture to Daniel's seat that was now occupied by Quinn. I was in shock for a moment. I had actually done it. I had grown so used to Daniel being there, that it was more of an instinct to assign him the most menial task, though I doubted he would have ever called that work menial.
"Shit..." I dropped my hand and stared down at my briefing folder. There was a thick silence in the air. It was extremely awkward and Jonas shifted uncomfortably in his seat, feeling the weight of several pairs of eyes resting on him. Squirm you bastard...
Finally Hammond cleared his throat and spoke. "I will assign someone from SG-3 to fill in. Dismissed."
Everyone got up and left except for me... and him. I sat there, staring down at my folder, my hands clasped under my chin as I slowly rocked the chair back and forth. I had actually, for a split moment in time, forgotten that Daniel wasn't there. I had forgotten. It was a strange thing to be missing your right hand, and never fully realizing that you even had one till it was taken away.
Jonas was still there. He stood up and shifted his feet a little. I knew he wanted to say something comforting, to try and make things better. Maybe even apologize. But I couldn't forgive him, even if he had turned traitor. It still burned to have him there.
"O'Neill, I-"
"Do me a favor, will ya?"
"Sure. Anything."
"Stay the fuck away from me." I spit my words out in a low growl. "I don't want you to ever talk to me as if we're pals. We're not."
His mouth quickly snapped shut and he was even quicker to leave. I was thankful for that. I don't regret talking to him so callously. I blamed him, too. Perhaps even more than myself. Whenever he was around I felt that disgusting bile rise up, and it took all I could not to flatten his face in with my fist.
I needed to be alone. I needed to figure this all out. I didn't understand why Daniel had to play hero, or... or... why do I feel like you're still here...
Then every time I turn around,
And your nowhere to be found
I know...
I got a long, long way to go...
Before I can say goodbye...
To you...
We fought before we left for Kelona, me and Daniel. It was over something stupid really. Just, at the end of it all, I told him that he would never know what it was like to have the lives of an entire planet on his shoulders. After all... all he did was read books and translate a few things. What a fucking moron I was...
My stomach hurt. I felt like I was going to throw up. I didn't mean them... those words I said. He was more than just a bookworm... more than just that geek who understood those scientific things... he was so much more. To me, anyways. No... to a lot of people.
Who was I to judge him? He gave more to the team in a split second of his life then I ever did in my entire sorry career. What could I offer? I was good with a gun? I just happened to have that kind of voice people responded to? Please. It was worthless, and we both knew it.
I wondered, as I sat there in the dark briefing room, Daniel's ghost still around me, if it was because of me that he did what he did. He wasn't supposed to be the hero. That was my job. I was expected to risk my life for others without a single thought to self, not Daniel. He was supposed to be safe in his studies... safe in his thoughts and musings. Who was he to save a world? If I died, like I said, it was expected. A soldier lost in battle... But when someone like Daniel falls, it hurts so much more... so much more.
It was almost impossible to look at him when he came back from Quinn's world. The radiation was just eating away at him. Slowly killing him. I hated how he talked about how he was going to die. If I wasn't so afraid that I was going to cause him more injury, I would have grabbed him to me and held him close, never to let him go again. I wanted to see his face... to tell him that I was so sorry for the things I said. But I couldn't. It was because of me that he went through all that... that he thought he could save a whole world without a thought to himself. My cowardice held my tongue.
But he was wrong to think that he was doing something completely selfless. I was part of him. He had no right to save Jonas' undeserving people when I was still there. He killed both of us when he jumped into that lab.
I folded my arms and rested my head, face down, on the cold table. I could feel warm liquid as it dropped slowly from my cheeks to the paper. But I wasn't crying. Men like me don't cry, especially when a hero is finally discovered.
But the salty water was still there, and my vision was extremely blurry. What I wouldn't give to have Danny's arms around my neck... to smell his soft hair under my nose, and to feel his smooth skin under my lips again...
I need a drink...
Oh, I got a long, long way to go,
Before I can say goodbye,
To all I ever knew...
To you...
It was close to two in the morning, and I couldn't sleep. Then again, I never was much of a sleeper, especially lately. I decided that the house was too quiet for me to try and go to bed. That and it didn't help that I was quite drunk now, either.
I settled into my couch, cursing rather loudly as I tried to find the remote for the cable box. Giving up, I stumbled over to the tv, turned it on, then collapsed back into my seat. It didn't matter what was on really, just as long as it was something to drown out the screaming silence that echoed defiantly in my ears, despite the amount of whiskey I had consumed.
I made a lousy drunk. Anyone who had ever been around me when I was this bad could tell you. But then, those people were quite few. Actually, nil to be exact. I wallowed in self pity alone. No reason to drag anyone else down for the ride. It was one of my more... irresistible charms. Even wasted I was considerate.
I almost laughed at that thought as I picked the bottle up off of the floor next to me. No need for ice... not even a goddamn glass. I let the burning sweet liquor pass my lips and wonder what it would be like to drink myself to death. Of course I wouldn't. I was meant to die in a battle, or of old age if that was my destiny. But, it was just a fleeting thought.
I held the bottle in my hand and, for the first time, read the label. Interesting brand. Jack Daniel's. Jack Daniel's, Jack Daniel's, Jack Daniel's, Jack, Daniel's Jack, Daniel's Jack... Daniel's Jack...
I don't want to drink anymore....
I finally hazily focused in on the tv. Bleary eyed and resentful, it dawned on me that I never really did watch tv. In fact, the last person who sat on this couch to watch whatever was on cable, was Daniel... and, of course there just happened to be some discovering ancient places program on.
"Oh, f'r crying..." I yelled to the picture, letting the bottle leave my hand and splatter in glass shards and amber liquid across the television's face. The tv box made a small groan of disapproval and the picture faded out for a second. It returned though, accompanied by a low buzzing now. Not only was the tv still on, but now I had a mess to clean up.
I don't want to watch tv anymore, either.
From memory
There is no hiding place...
Turn on the tv
And I see you there...
I tried to walk up the stairs, but failed. Leaning mostly on the banister, I pulled myself along... step by step... thought by thought... I had only once gotten this sloshed around Daniel. He had been quiet, then let me lean on him as he dragged me to me room. He didn't say much, no matter how angrily I talked to him, or how softly I whispered in his ear. He just shoved me down on the bed, took my shoes off, then forced me under the covers.
He tortured me the next day by refusing me coffee... going on about taking my own medicine. I hated hangovers.
Eventually I did finally find myself at the top of the stairs. I decided that this was a good place to rest, at least for a minute or two.
I snapped at an ensign today. He just wanted to give me Sam's report since she had left for the day. I had hastily grabbed the report from him and proceeded to give him an undeserved riot act. I told him that next time I saw him, he had better have gotten his hair cut and a pair of military issued glasses... among some other not so nice remarks about his build.
It wasn't his fault that his hair was just a little too long, and swept across his brow in just that way. It wasn't his fault that god hadn't blessed him with perfect vision. It was his fault that he was a little too thin for a career military man, but I couldn't really hold that against him. We weren't clones after all. It wasn't his fault that he looked like you...
But, Christ... just a quick glance of him made me think of Daniel. Was I that bad? Had I really cared for Danny that much that I quite honestly couldn't get him off my mind? That every time I turned a corner I was just hoping to bump into him? Even as I unlocked the door to my home tonight, I was hoping... just praying that the lights would be on, and that coffee was being made. I didn't want to be alone...
But no. That's not how life works, Jack. Deal with it. Move on.
I stood up as soberly as I could manage and decided a shower might be a good thing right about now.
In every crowd,
There's always someone with your face...
Everywhere...
Trying not to care...
The scalding hot water left my skin red and itchy, but I didn't care. The more I thought about him, the hotter the water needed to be. I once heard someone saying that the only true way to get someone out of your system was to sweat them out. Of course, this line of reasoning was probably geared towards the inclusion of a bed. But water would just have to do.
I closed my eyes and rested my head on the tile. It wasn't fair.
10... 9... 8...
"Give me your glass, Jack."
7... 6... 5...
"I think we've had enough..."
4... 3...
"Then how are we going to celebrate the New Year?"
2...
"I got an idea.."
1...
I kissed him. Right on the lips... right at the stroke of midnight. Yes... I was feeling a little tipsy, so was he for that matter. Champagne always went straight to my head. But it was only supposed to be a joke. Really, I had no intention of making anything of it. Just a fleeting thought in my head that thought it might be funny. You know... a good laugh between friends...
But as I went to pull away, I noticed I didn't want to. I couldn't stop kissing him. I was also aware that his hand was at the back of my neck, pulling me into him. For some reason, I wasn't quite sure why, but I let him have his way.
The taste of alcohol and a exotic flavor teased my mouth and soon I wanted more than just a taste. I had to have it all. I moved a hand to his chin and nudged it down slightly, making him open his mouth. He was very compliant, if not eager in return.
Our tongues fought for dominance as he shifted on the couch, turning to straddle across my lap, his head bending down and over me. Finally, air demanded that we part for at least a minute.
He rested his forehead on my own, our labored breaths and beating hearts were the only sound we could hear in that moment. Nothing else mattered.
"Happy New Year's, Jack," he whispered breathlessly.
He let his fingers trace my face softly, then rested them on my lips before replacing them a split second later with soft, malleable lips. There wasn't so much desperation this time. It was actually kinda... sweet. A slow, burning kiss, if you could only imagine.
It was right then that I found something stirring deep inside of me that shouted out in excitement. Had I wanted this all along? I couldn't really tell you. It wasn't like I had had a crush on him or anything... it wasn't like I was expecting to make out with my good friend on New Year's Eve when I invited him over. We both didn't really have someone to spend the holidays with. Who knew it would have ended up like that?
I remember every detail of that night... the feel of his chest as I removed his shirt. The way he clung to my shoulders when I pushed him down on the couch... his warm breath smoldering over my skin... the sensation of our bodies pressing and moving against each other...
I jarred myself out of that dream before it went any further.
"Yeah... Happy fucking New Year's."
The hot water wasn't gonna cut it. Especially right now. I quickly turned the shower to icy cold.
Then every time I turn around
And your nowhere to be found
I know...
I got a long, long way to go...
Before I can say goodbye
To you...
"What are you saying, Jack?"
"Danny... I don't know. Just that you'll never know what it's like to have the lives of an entire planet on your shoulders."
"What... you don't think I've carried my weight? Is that it?"
"No... that's not it. It's just... you're not the aggressive kind, Danny."
"Oh... I see." He got up out of the bed, pulling on his pants and hastily tried to button his shirt. His hands were shaking with anger. "I forgot... your the only one who has ever had to sacrifice someone he loved."
Images of Sha're flashed briefly inside my head.
"Daniel. Come back here. I didn't mean it like that. It's just-"
"Just what, Jack? Just that you will never see me for anything else then that closed-off, geek of a person you first met all those years ago. God Jack... I've changed! Can't you see that."
Silence.
"Just tell me something, Jack... what is this?"
I looked up to him for the first time. He had such a sad look in his gray blue eyes. I felt as if someone stabbed me in my chest. I knew what he wanted. But instead I played the part of the coward.
"I don't know, Daniel."
His voice lowered, his words becoming so soft.
"What are we doing here? Why should I be here with you?"
The answer... the same thing that all of us needed to hear at some point in our lives. But I just looked away... out the window and away. I was silent.
"That's what I thought."
A slam of the door.
Because, Danny... because...
I awoke with a start. I fumbled blindly for the clock only to see the lights blink a dull red of five thirty. My head hurt and I stuffed my face with the pillow at my side. I tried to suffocate the frustrated scream I let out. It wasn't fair.
Because, Danny... because I think I loved you...
...because I think I still do...
Oh, I got a long, long way to go,
Before I can say goodbye,
To all I ever knew...
To you...
She handed over the mug before taking a seat across from me. Gently, she sipped her own tea, hands clasped around the oversized cup. I still wasn't too sure why I came there. It was just somewhere I felt I had to be. There was no place else I could go, really.
"Sorry..." I blurted out suddenly. She raised an eyebrow and sat the cup down.
"For what?"
"For busting down your door at six in the morning."
She smiled a little and shook her head. "It's okay, sir. I was up anyway."
"Stop that, Sam."
"Excuse me?"
I flinched and stared up to her. I never really understood why she was always so proper to me. I never did anything to deserve it.
"Just... don't call me 'sir'. We're at your apartment for crying out loud."
"Oh, sorry. I didn't realize..."
I turned the mug with my forefinger and thumb, watching the pale tea swirl and ripple. My stomach was upset, but at least my head had stopped pounding for the moment. Carefully I lifted up the cup and took a sip. It was warm and felt good going down. I never was much of a tea drinker, but this may have well just changed my mind.
"You look like hell."
I set down the mug and ran my hand across the stubble that was growing on my face, then through my hair that felt very unkempt. I had maybe slept what- five, six hours in the past seventy-two? Probably less.
"It's hard to sleep when you have things on your mind."
"You want to talk about it?"
God did I ever. I felt that I had to let someone know how much I was hurting... how guilty I felt... how worthless I was feeling as a person for letting someone I truly cared for once again slip past me?
"It's my fault, you know."
She looked at me long and hard. Knowing that I would continue when I was ready. I folded my arms and leaned back in the chair.
"I told him he didn't know what it was like to continually sacrifice yourself for others." I choked up a little. "And would you look at that... he actually had the nerve to try and prove me wrong..."
She kept quiet. Waiting for me to go on. When I didn't she gave a loud sigh and bit her bottom lip.
"He would have done it anyway."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Because..." She reached over and clasped my hand. "Because that's who he was. Who he always wanted to be."
"Do you think he's really gone," I asked quietly, feeling a burn in my eyes as I wiped at them furiously. I wasn't going to do this in front of Carter.
"I don't know." It wasn't the answer I wanted. She squeezed my hand and I noted that a few drops slipped unchecked past her cheeks as she turned to look out the window to our side. "He's body is gone. But... I can't help but to feel like he is still here, you know?"
She looked at me then, her warm smile made almost radiant by her shimmering eyes. I had never known she was so compassionate before. She continued. "Wherever he is, I know it's where he wants to be- where he can be useful. Who's to know what those who ascend are truly capable of, or as a matter of fact, what good he can now do."
"I know." My voice was rough and I was finding it harder and harder to speak. "I just... when I saw that Oma.. thing... I knew. I knew that there was nothing I could do to stop him. But, I didn't even try. If only I had told him I was sorry... that I-"
"It wouldn't have made a difference." She paused, debating to herself probably on what to say next. But god bless her for saying it anyway. "And he knew, Jack. He knew."
It was the only confirmation I needed. I guess, more than anything, I needed to hear that. And coming from someone who was closest to us both, it meant all the more.
"Sam, I don't think he will ever be the same."
"No, probably not."
"I'm gonna miss him. I hate how much I'm going to miss him"
I wish you everything...
And all the best that life can bring...
I only hope you think of me sometimes...
I fell asleep on Sam's couch. Didn't mean to crash like that, but I was so damned tired and couldn't imagine trying to make it back to my place. It took me maybe a whole of a minute before I had passed out completely and started dreaming again. Of course, as was my luck... I kept having to relive the nightmare of letting Daniel go. Even in dreams, there was no escape... or was this even dreaming...
"Just tell me something, Jack... what is this?"
I looked up to him. He had such a sad look in his gray blue eyes. Someone was stabbing me in my chest. I knew what he wanted. But instead I still played the part of the coward.
"I don't know, Daniel."
His voice lowered, his words becoming so soft.
"What are we doing here? Why should I be here with you?"
The answer... all I had to do was tell him. But I looked away... out the window and away. I was silent.
"That's what I thought."
He reached for the door.
"Because, Danny... because I am in love with you."
He paused... turned slowly, and began walking slowly back towards the bed.
"Why couldn't you tell me that, Jack? Why couldn't you have said it at least once?"
I got up from my bed and faced him. "Just tell me something.. would it have made a difference?" It was the haunting question that I needed answered more than anything.
The room around us changed. My eyes remained locked with his. I wasn't going to let him go so easily this time. As the space around us shifted, I felt the familiar presence of the Gate Room. The event horizon shimmering behind him, Oma Desala glowing as she does so well, only to flicker and fade away. It was just me and Daniel now.
"Tell me. Would it have made a difference?"
Daniel brought his hand to my face, tracing the edges with his soft touch. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, leaning into the caress. He put his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, holding on tightly, not willing to let go ever again.
"No," he whispered into my ear. "It wouldn't have. But it's nice to know you care."
I smiled as he turned to kiss me. Soft and feather light... exotic to the taste. He was there... with me... like this for one more time.
"Don't close your heart off Jack. Don't ever grow so cold that you don't need anyone. Life's not worth living without love."
"Did Oma teach you that?"
He kissed me again, but only briefly before stepping back. He held onto my hand as he pulled slightly away.
"No... you did."
He tried to take a step further, but I held onto his hand like a lifeline.
"So, what? See you around?"
"I don't know."
He turned, finally releasing himself from my grasp. I knew I had to let him go.
"Hey. Where are you going?"
"I don't know."
He moved closer to the gate.
"I love you Daniel."
He paused but didn't turn around. "I know. I love you too, Jack."
Then he was gone. But, as I awoke from my dream, I felt peaceful for the first time in weeks. I just stared up at the ceiling for awhile, the room fading with the sunset. I must have slept all day. I still felt empty inside, but I was at peace. It was a strange contradiction that I don't think I will ever be able to explain.
Oh, then even though I feel the pain,
I know that I will love again...
The time will go,
Oh, and I will move on...
It was the last briefing before our next mission. We were set to leave within the hour. I was the last to arrive, there was something I had to pick up before I came.
I muttered my apologies as I moved to my seat. Jonas looked up for a second, then realizing he caught my eye he was quick to divert his attention to the star map that was being displayed in the front.
I smiled inwardly to myself. I knew it wasn't really funny, and I would eventually have to make peace with this man. But for now, it really was fun to watch him squirm a little. Just a little. I still felt a bitterness towards him, and it would probably take a lot of time and patience on my part to get over it, but that was life. Time to start dealing with it again.
I took my seat and nodded to Carter. I never thanked her for letting me crash, and I had left without a note while she was out.
Hammond began to talk and I once again attempted to pay attention. But as we sat there, I was reminded of something Daniel had said a long time ago.
He said that he wasn't a brave man, that he was just an over zealous geek along for the ride of a lifetime. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of ride he was on right now.
I still couldn't go into the briefing room, or pass down by his office without feeling like he was there. It was going to take a long time to get him out of my system. But I decided, at least for now, I didn't want him to go away.
I still held onto him as tightly as I did in my dream. I wouldn't forget what he told me, but I wouldn't forget him either. It just wasn't possible.
I got a long, long way to go,
Before I can say goodbye ...
To you...
The Stargate opened and SG-1 stood there waiting. It would be one of our many missions with Jonas there... and without the physical presence of Daniel. I stuck my hand in my fatigues and grasped onto the small paper I had there. It had grown worn around the edges, and I had to cut it so it would fit in my pocket. But, it was something I would always take with me now.
Carter counted them as the many missions without a friend there. But, you see, I carried his picture with me. The picture of us, when we were happy. And he would be there for every step I took off world and otherwise. I wasn't ready to let go yet. I still wonder if I ever will be. It's not easy to let someone you love die, especially if they are living on... in some form or another.
You see, Daniel isn't gone. I know it's not going to be forever. And if I ever needed him... if I ever really needed him, he would be there for me. Like he always had been... like he always will be. I have no doubt of that.
But still...
I got a long, long way to go ,
Before I can say goodbye
To all I ever knew...
..::fini::..