1100 Hours, Caroline's House, England
* Four girls stand rubbing their hands together in a vain attempt to keep warm; the Fifth is standing next to them in a short-sleeved t-shirt chanting "I'm not cold" over and over. *
Nat: I'm not cold. I'm not cold. I'm not cold. I'm not cold.
Jess: Ash, ring the doorbell again before I shoot Nat will you.
* The doorbell is pressed and the girls continue waiting *
Louisa: Can someone tell me again why we have come round?
Simran: I got a call from Caroline's brother at twelve last night telling me to come round.
Jess: Me too!
Louisa: Same!
Ashley: Ditto.
Nat: I'm not cold, I'm not cold, I'm not cold.Oh yeah same here
Jess: That can't be good.
* The door opens and a sleepy Caroline emerges *
Caroline: Huh.
* Gets trampled as everyone rushes in *
Nat: Yo Mickey!
* Michael, Caroline's older brother who is mentally insane, and who is sitting on the upstairs banister, runs his fingers down the edge of a knife and glares evilly *
Michael: Hello, I'm in a homicidal mood. (A normal greeting by Michael standards)
Ashley: You wouldn't kill me *smiles* I'm AMAZING!
Michael: *evil glare and smile, chucks knife at Jess's head. Missing it by millimetres*
Jess: *Scared squeak* you wouldn't really kill us.
Michael: * raises one eyebrow* wouldn't I?
*The group stare at him for a second*
Caroline: RUNNNN!!!!
*The girls run for their life as Michael chases them into the attic whilst laughing manically*
*Jess slams the door and leans against it*
Jess: I.Hate.Your.Brother!
Nat: He's not that bad.
* Chainsaw sounds emerge from the floor below*
Nat: .Ok point taken.
*Everyone sits down and goes about doing random things. Louisa and Ashley burst spontaneously in the chorus of the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (that is how it is spelt), Nat produces a pair of scissors from somewhere and starts randomly cutting the air, Simi pulls out LOTR: The Fellowship of The Ring which she has been reading for over a year, Jess glares into space and Caroline begins to explore her own attic *
Caroline: Ooo, what a big, red button labelled "DO NOT PUSH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! THAT MEANS YOU CAROLINE! I wonder what it does.
Everyone: NO! * They all dog pile Caroline, but are too late. She has already pressed the button*
Michael: * Holding a very large chainsaw* Hey what's going on-
* The room starts to shake and it all goes black.
***
Nat: Cool! Hey guys were in Middle Earth! (Don't ask how I know) Guys? Guys?
* Looks around Confused*
Nat: Hey where is everyone? And why is everything so big?
* Looks down at her clothes and screams*
Nat: OH. MY. GOD!
*Deep Inhale of Breath*
Nat: I'm a HOBBIT!!
*Screams again*
Nat: GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!
* Screams so loud that the trees shake*
***
Jess: Umm what happen there? Hey I have a beard!!!! I must be. Dumbledore! Wowee! look I have a staff!!! Hold on a sec I thought I had a wand? Guys doesn't Dumbledore have a wand? Guys? This doesn't look like Hogwarts?
*Looks around*
Jess: Guys? Where are you? Where am I? Hey, WHY AREN'T I WEARING A BRA!?!?!? So, is this really Hogwarts?
Another Voice (OV): No fool you're in Mordor.
Jess: * Looks around again* who are you?
OV: I am your conscience.
Jess: That must mean I'm.Rincewind!!!! His conscience talks to him.but hold on why don't I have a wizard hat, with sequins and everything?
OV: *sighs* you are not Rincewind
Jess: Then why are you talking to me?
OV: Good point, umm, bye now!
Jess: Don't leave me all alone. Fine then DO!!! *Angry squeak* so if I'm not Rincewind and I'm not Dumbledore, I must be.Merlin! Cool! Now lets' see what this staff can do.
* So Merlin, I mean Jess zaps in a computer with broadband, a desk and a comfy chair, then sits down to read LOTR fanfics as various volcanoes erupt behind her.it still doesn't click! *
***
* Caroline wakes up in a huge, fluffy bed in a huge room, with a huge door on which is printed one word in a gold curly script.
"Legolas"*
Caroline: * Hasn't seen the sign yet* Ok, why am I in Middle Earth? (See! It's not only me that can recognise Middle Earth)
Caroline: *Sees the sign on the door, mouth drops* this is either a really, really good dream or someone is playing a very sick joke.
*Scratches ear as she always does when confused*
Caroline: That's odd, since when did I have pointy ears, *looks at her hair* or very long, very blonde hair *looks somewhere else* or balls O_O.Oh dear.
* A gust of wind closes the door revealing a huge mirror and Caroline, sorry Legolas sitting in his boxers*
Caroline: OMG! I am so hot! Wow! This is like a dream come true, ok not exactly like the dreams I have normally it's me and Legolas, but this works.
*She stands up and starts admiring herself in the mirror, forgetting the fact that she's in Middle Earth, has lost all her friends and is in an elf's body*
***
Simran: SCREECH!
Simran: SCREECH?
Simran: SCREECH!?!
Simran (thinks to herself): Crap.
***
Louisa: * Leaning over the edge of a very deep ravine, in a huge cave* HELLO!
Echo: LO-Lo-lo.
Louisa: Is anybody there?
Echo: AIR-Air-air.
Louisa: Fine, ok then don't answer me.
Echo: EE-Ee-ee
*She leans back*
Louisa: Hmm.that looks very deep.
* Picks up a stone and chucks it down into the black
*** Ten Minutes Later ***
* Very distant* Ping!
Louisa: Very deep. * Strokes beard*
* Having now established that the carven is very deep Louisa remains ignorant to the fact that she is 4ft tall, has a long trailing beard and is holding a huge double-headed axe that could easily chop someone's head off, oh and that she is in fact a he!*
* She swings her axe around idly*
Louisa: Hmmm, I wonder where everyone else is. *Shrugs* Oh no worries.
* A thought suddenly hits her.him.her, oh I don't know! *
Louisa: I'M GOING TO MISS EASTENDERS!!
* Another thought hits.it*
Louisa: AND HOLBY CITY!!!
* Here we go again*
Louisa: AND *gasp* NEIGHBOURS!!! * Sniff* I'm so depressed.
***
* Ashley has also found herself in someone's bedroom, but unlike Caroline she remains oblivious to the sudden change of scenery, world and species she has just experienced. She is in fact trying on the entire contents of someone wardrobe. *
Ashley: Wow! Pink!!!!!
* Starts dancing about in a long baby pink dress and singing 'A Whole New World' at the top of her voice. Elves from all over Middle Earth are forced to endure the complete rendition of this song as Ashley screams it out as loud as she can. *
A Voice: Arwen?
* Ashley screams *
Ashley: Who the hell are you?
* A tall dark haired elf steps out from the shadows accompanied by two other elves with long blonde hair.*
Elrond: It's me Arwen, is something the matter? It sounded as though some one was dieing.
Ashley: What?!?
* Ashley looks the guy up and down*
Ashley: Hey I know you. You that guy out of the Matrix! Agent Smith! WOW! So, why are you wearing a coat hanger on your head?
Elrond: *glances up at his little tiara thing* Arwen are you feeling alright?
* Ashley glances down at her long pink dress and the long dark hair that is on her shoulder, she looks around the room and out of the window at the river. *
Ashley: Why do you keep calling me Arwen?
Elrond: * Stares at the smiling Ashley in disbelief * because that is your name?
Ashley: No it's not. I'm Ashley * smiles again *
Elrond: Si ista uuva Arwen. (That's elfish for "This isn't Arwen.")
Ashley: Come again?
Elf guard No1: Ya ista ta? (Who is it?)
Ashley: What are you talking about?
Elrond: Aiya melda. (Oh dear)
Elrond: Wanya (go)
* The guards depart *
Ashley: Um.
Elrond: Selde? (Daughter?)
Ashley: Can you stop it please?
Elrond: Do know where you are, Ashley?
Ashley: Err. no * smiles weakly *
Elrond: You're in Rivendell.
Ashley: Oh, right and that's in Middle Earth?
* Elrond looks at Ashley again *
Elrond: Yes, but you still don't know what I'm talking about do you?
Ashley: Err.No.
*Elrond sighs*
Elrond: Ok, so who pushed the big, red button?
***
* In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount doom the Dark Lord Sauron is looking very smug. Michael Austell has just entered Middle Earth in the form of Sauron, and he's not just a glowing eye. He's back and this time he's got all his fingers. *
So that's the end of Chapter one. I apologise for the badness of it, this is what happens when you wake up at six in the morning to Helm's Deep reverberating through the floorboards. It skews your perspective a bit.
* Four girls stand rubbing their hands together in a vain attempt to keep warm; the Fifth is standing next to them in a short-sleeved t-shirt chanting "I'm not cold" over and over. *
Nat: I'm not cold. I'm not cold. I'm not cold. I'm not cold.
Jess: Ash, ring the doorbell again before I shoot Nat will you.
* The doorbell is pressed and the girls continue waiting *
Louisa: Can someone tell me again why we have come round?
Simran: I got a call from Caroline's brother at twelve last night telling me to come round.
Jess: Me too!
Louisa: Same!
Ashley: Ditto.
Nat: I'm not cold, I'm not cold, I'm not cold.Oh yeah same here
Jess: That can't be good.
* The door opens and a sleepy Caroline emerges *
Caroline: Huh.
* Gets trampled as everyone rushes in *
Nat: Yo Mickey!
* Michael, Caroline's older brother who is mentally insane, and who is sitting on the upstairs banister, runs his fingers down the edge of a knife and glares evilly *
Michael: Hello, I'm in a homicidal mood. (A normal greeting by Michael standards)
Ashley: You wouldn't kill me *smiles* I'm AMAZING!
Michael: *evil glare and smile, chucks knife at Jess's head. Missing it by millimetres*
Jess: *Scared squeak* you wouldn't really kill us.
Michael: * raises one eyebrow* wouldn't I?
*The group stare at him for a second*
Caroline: RUNNNN!!!!
*The girls run for their life as Michael chases them into the attic whilst laughing manically*
*Jess slams the door and leans against it*
Jess: I.Hate.Your.Brother!
Nat: He's not that bad.
* Chainsaw sounds emerge from the floor below*
Nat: .Ok point taken.
*Everyone sits down and goes about doing random things. Louisa and Ashley burst spontaneously in the chorus of the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (that is how it is spelt), Nat produces a pair of scissors from somewhere and starts randomly cutting the air, Simi pulls out LOTR: The Fellowship of The Ring which she has been reading for over a year, Jess glares into space and Caroline begins to explore her own attic *
Caroline: Ooo, what a big, red button labelled "DO NOT PUSH UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! THAT MEANS YOU CAROLINE! I wonder what it does.
Everyone: NO! * They all dog pile Caroline, but are too late. She has already pressed the button*
Michael: * Holding a very large chainsaw* Hey what's going on-
* The room starts to shake and it all goes black.
***
Nat: Cool! Hey guys were in Middle Earth! (Don't ask how I know) Guys? Guys?
* Looks around Confused*
Nat: Hey where is everyone? And why is everything so big?
* Looks down at her clothes and screams*
Nat: OH. MY. GOD!
*Deep Inhale of Breath*
Nat: I'm a HOBBIT!!
*Screams again*
Nat: GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!
* Screams so loud that the trees shake*
***
Jess: Umm what happen there? Hey I have a beard!!!! I must be. Dumbledore! Wowee! look I have a staff!!! Hold on a sec I thought I had a wand? Guys doesn't Dumbledore have a wand? Guys? This doesn't look like Hogwarts?
*Looks around*
Jess: Guys? Where are you? Where am I? Hey, WHY AREN'T I WEARING A BRA!?!?!? So, is this really Hogwarts?
Another Voice (OV): No fool you're in Mordor.
Jess: * Looks around again* who are you?
OV: I am your conscience.
Jess: That must mean I'm.Rincewind!!!! His conscience talks to him.but hold on why don't I have a wizard hat, with sequins and everything?
OV: *sighs* you are not Rincewind
Jess: Then why are you talking to me?
OV: Good point, umm, bye now!
Jess: Don't leave me all alone. Fine then DO!!! *Angry squeak* so if I'm not Rincewind and I'm not Dumbledore, I must be.Merlin! Cool! Now lets' see what this staff can do.
* So Merlin, I mean Jess zaps in a computer with broadband, a desk and a comfy chair, then sits down to read LOTR fanfics as various volcanoes erupt behind her.it still doesn't click! *
***
* Caroline wakes up in a huge, fluffy bed in a huge room, with a huge door on which is printed one word in a gold curly script.
"Legolas"*
Caroline: * Hasn't seen the sign yet* Ok, why am I in Middle Earth? (See! It's not only me that can recognise Middle Earth)
Caroline: *Sees the sign on the door, mouth drops* this is either a really, really good dream or someone is playing a very sick joke.
*Scratches ear as she always does when confused*
Caroline: That's odd, since when did I have pointy ears, *looks at her hair* or very long, very blonde hair *looks somewhere else* or balls O_O.Oh dear.
* A gust of wind closes the door revealing a huge mirror and Caroline, sorry Legolas sitting in his boxers*
Caroline: OMG! I am so hot! Wow! This is like a dream come true, ok not exactly like the dreams I have normally it's me and Legolas, but this works.
*She stands up and starts admiring herself in the mirror, forgetting the fact that she's in Middle Earth, has lost all her friends and is in an elf's body*
***
Simran: SCREECH!
Simran: SCREECH?
Simran: SCREECH!?!
Simran (thinks to herself): Crap.
***
Louisa: * Leaning over the edge of a very deep ravine, in a huge cave* HELLO!
Echo: LO-Lo-lo.
Louisa: Is anybody there?
Echo: AIR-Air-air.
Louisa: Fine, ok then don't answer me.
Echo: EE-Ee-ee
*She leans back*
Louisa: Hmm.that looks very deep.
* Picks up a stone and chucks it down into the black
*** Ten Minutes Later ***
* Very distant* Ping!
Louisa: Very deep. * Strokes beard*
* Having now established that the carven is very deep Louisa remains ignorant to the fact that she is 4ft tall, has a long trailing beard and is holding a huge double-headed axe that could easily chop someone's head off, oh and that she is in fact a he!*
* She swings her axe around idly*
Louisa: Hmmm, I wonder where everyone else is. *Shrugs* Oh no worries.
* A thought suddenly hits her.him.her, oh I don't know! *
Louisa: I'M GOING TO MISS EASTENDERS!!
* Another thought hits.it*
Louisa: AND HOLBY CITY!!!
* Here we go again*
Louisa: AND *gasp* NEIGHBOURS!!! * Sniff* I'm so depressed.
***
* Ashley has also found herself in someone's bedroom, but unlike Caroline she remains oblivious to the sudden change of scenery, world and species she has just experienced. She is in fact trying on the entire contents of someone wardrobe. *
Ashley: Wow! Pink!!!!!
* Starts dancing about in a long baby pink dress and singing 'A Whole New World' at the top of her voice. Elves from all over Middle Earth are forced to endure the complete rendition of this song as Ashley screams it out as loud as she can. *
A Voice: Arwen?
* Ashley screams *
Ashley: Who the hell are you?
* A tall dark haired elf steps out from the shadows accompanied by two other elves with long blonde hair.*
Elrond: It's me Arwen, is something the matter? It sounded as though some one was dieing.
Ashley: What?!?
* Ashley looks the guy up and down*
Ashley: Hey I know you. You that guy out of the Matrix! Agent Smith! WOW! So, why are you wearing a coat hanger on your head?
Elrond: *glances up at his little tiara thing* Arwen are you feeling alright?
* Ashley glances down at her long pink dress and the long dark hair that is on her shoulder, she looks around the room and out of the window at the river. *
Ashley: Why do you keep calling me Arwen?
Elrond: * Stares at the smiling Ashley in disbelief * because that is your name?
Ashley: No it's not. I'm Ashley * smiles again *
Elrond: Si ista uuva Arwen. (That's elfish for "This isn't Arwen.")
Ashley: Come again?
Elf guard No1: Ya ista ta? (Who is it?)
Ashley: What are you talking about?
Elrond: Aiya melda. (Oh dear)
Elrond: Wanya (go)
* The guards depart *
Ashley: Um.
Elrond: Selde? (Daughter?)
Ashley: Can you stop it please?
Elrond: Do know where you are, Ashley?
Ashley: Err. no * smiles weakly *
Elrond: You're in Rivendell.
Ashley: Oh, right and that's in Middle Earth?
* Elrond looks at Ashley again *
Elrond: Yes, but you still don't know what I'm talking about do you?
Ashley: Err.No.
*Elrond sighs*
Elrond: Ok, so who pushed the big, red button?
***
* In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount doom the Dark Lord Sauron is looking very smug. Michael Austell has just entered Middle Earth in the form of Sauron, and he's not just a glowing eye. He's back and this time he's got all his fingers. *
So that's the end of Chapter one. I apologise for the badness of it, this is what happens when you wake up at six in the morning to Helm's Deep reverberating through the floorboards. It skews your perspective a bit.