Author's Notes:
Rating: PG - No more than is on the Torchwood TV show.
Pairings: Jack/10, Jack/Ianto in past
Warnings: Male/Male kissing, Character death in the resent past.
Spoilers: Slight one for The Last of tthe Time Lords. This is AU now as Children of Earth never happened.
Disclaimer: As always, I don't own our lovely boys. They belong to the BBC. Much to my sorrow.
Teaser: "I know I don't deserve you, Jack, but I want you."
Jack lifted his head from his desk. He wasn't sure what had awoken him or how long he had slept. Not that he cared at all. He tried to remember the dream he had been having, but it was fading fast. He had been dreaming of the Doctor, which was weird. That hadn't happened in years. He shook his head to try and clear it.
"Big mistake," he thought as his head throbbed. Jack picked up the nearly empty bottle of whisky in front of him on the desk.
"Hair of the dog," he whispered as he poured some into the glass he still had gripped in his other hand. He downed it in one gulp and then regarded the now empty glass as if it had the answers. That's when he heard it. Foot steps on the stairs. No one was suppose to be in the Hub this late. Jack tensed at first, but no intruder alarms were going off. It was probably one of his team coming to check if he was alright.
Jack laughed a little at the thought. He was so very far from being alright. He didn't even look up when he heard the door open, just continued to stare at the empty glass.
"I thought I told you to go home," he said not caring which team member it was.
"I thought it might help to talk to an old friend."
That voice was unmistakable. Jack's head shot up and he looked into the soft brown eyes of the Doctor.
"How did you…," Jack stammered. The Doctor looked exactly as he remembered, down to the rumbled pinstriped suit and unruly brown hair.
"It doesn't matter." The Doctor crossed the room and stood in front of the desk. He took in Jack's appearance. His eyes were red and puffy from crying, his shirt was rumple and stained, his shirtsleeves were rolled up and one of his braces was hanging down by his leg.
"You look like hell."
"Thanks." Jack was too stunned to say anything else.
"When was the funeral?" That brought Jack out of his shock.
"Yesterday," he growled as he picked up the bottle and poured the last of the whisky into the glass on the table. He looked at the bottle for a moment, then stood up and flung it as hard as he could against the wall shattering it.
"He survived Cybermen and madmen, Daleks and cannibals, Weevils, the green plague and more alien invasions than I care to remember," Jack shouted. "To have Ianto taken out on our way to work by some pimple faced teenager too busy messing with his radio to watch the road… I."
Turning his back to the Doctor, Jack leaned back heavily on the desk with his palms flat beside his legs and his fingers gripping the edge so tightly his knuckles were white. His eyes filled with tears. He was so tired of crying.
"I miss him so much, Doc. We've been together for over two decades. I've never been with anyone that long. Not ever." Jack's voice was soft and weak.
"I can't even be mad at that kid." Jack swallowed hard trying to regain his composure. "One moment of not paying attention and he has to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. I know how that feels." The Doctor walked around the desk and put a reassuring hand on Jack's shoulder.
"I wish I could have stayed dead with him."
"I'm so sorry, Jack." The Doctor didn't know what else to say.
"Yeah," Jack nodded. Jack bowed his head, resting his chin on his chest and slumping his shoulders. "I can't do this anymore."
"I know." The Doctor squeezed Jack's shoulder.
Jack lifted his head up and back, staring at the ceiling. He took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
"Will you do something for me?"
"If I can, I will, Jack." The Doctor moved his hand to the back of Jack's neck, caressing it with his fingertips.
"Take me away from here, please." Jack stood up suddenly, moved away from the Doctor and turned to face him.
"I'm so tired of this primitive era. Everything here is done the hard way." Jack's voice was strained and he began to pace.
"Take me where there's sonic showers and transmats. Where you can have a drink appear just by asking for it. Where your clothes clean themselves and you can participate in the movies instead of just watching them." Jack leaned over the desk putting his palms flat and stared at the Doctor, his eyes filled with pain.
"Take me where the computers on the transports prevent any accidents from ever happening." Jack sighed again and looked down.
"Just take me far enough into the future where I can find a good ship. One that I can take to the stars and never have to come back to earth again." Jack stood up straight again, looking anywhere but at the Doctor.
The Doctor looked down, suddenly fascinated with his shoes.
"I have a good ship," he said in a small voice rubbing the back of his neck. It was Jack's turn to put his hand on the Doctor's shoulder.
"I appreciate the offer." Jack cupped the Doctor's cheek and stroked it with his thumb. "I tried to explain this to you the last time you were here." Jack remembered how desperately lonely the Doctor was the last time he visited about five years or so ago. He had just lost his latest companion. Jack had really liked her. She had been a Vet's assistant the Doctor had picked up in the late 1990's. She had been a firery one that didn't let the Doctor get away with much, but she had a big heart. She reminded Jack of Donna with a little Rose thrown in. When the Doctor was last here she had just gotten married to some freedom fighter on Regorren Four in the 43rd century or was it the 44th?
"You know how I feel about you. How I've always felt about you, but to be with you every day and not be able to…" Jack pulled his hand away.
"It would be too hard." Jack turned away, pulled out his desk chair and sat down.
"Besides haven't you already got a new companion by now?" Jack was desperate to change the subject.
"No," was all the Doctor said. He rubbed his neck again, and that's when Jack noticed it. The cut on his neck that he had gotten during that same revolution he help to win with his last companion. It was healing, but it was still there.
"Doc, how long has it been for you since Mary Jane left?"
"Mary Ann," the Doctor corrected.
"How long?"
"Two days," the Doctor said matter of factly as he put his hands in his pockets. He stepped away from the desk and began pacing.
"I know what you think, Jack. What you've always thought. And I let you, because it was easier that way." He paused for a moment. "But it's not the truth, Jack. But I couldn't… I couldn't admit it. Even to myself." He was running his fingers though his hair making it stick up at all angles.
"I mean even before with the big ears I felt it, but I wouldn't let myself admit it. I couldn't even tell Rose how I felt about her. How could I admit it about you and not her?" The Doctor locked eyes with Jack for a moment, then quickly looked away.
"I heard you die on the Game Station, Jack. It stabbed though my hearts. I expected to die too." He paused to let that sink in. "Then Rose came back, so beautiful and terrifying, glowing with the power of the Vortex. There was only one way to save her. And I had to save her." The Doctor shivered at the memory. "When I took the power out of her I know instantly what she had done." The Doctor was pacing so rapidly Jack felt a little dizzy watching him.
"I knew… I could feel how wrong you were. I knew I should have fixed it. I should have undone it. Restored the timeline to how it was. But I'm a coward, Jack. I just couldn't do it." The Doctor stopped and looked deep into Jack's eyes, his soul filled with pain and guilt.
"I'm sorry, Jack. I just couldn't kill you."
Jack shivered trying to comprehend just what it all meant. The Doctor began pacing again.
"So… I released the Vortex back into the TARDIS and I no longer had the power to fix it, so I ran from you. Then I lost Rose and then there was the Master and then I lost Rose again." The Doctor was waving his hands around and then stopped and pointed a finger at Jack.
"And don't think I didn't know what you were doing provoking the Master. How could I not have known." He dropped his arm and looked down at his shoes again. "Even after all I did, after how I treated you, and still you tried to protect me from him." His voice was so soft Jack had to strain to hear it.
"Drawing his anger to yourself whenever I refused him. I don't know all that he did to you, but I know enough." The Doctor looked at Jack then, his eyes dark with emotion, tears threatening to fall.
"I know I don't deserve you, Jack, but I want you."
"I don't…" Jack swallowed hard trying to think how to put this. "I don't want to be wanted because you feel guilty or obligated."
"No, no, no, no, no! That's not it. How can I make you understand?" The Doctor ran both his hands though his hair practically pulling it out.
"Back when I was big ears, I use to call you and Rose stupid apes. That's how my people saw humans, you see." The Doctor stopped and looked at Jack.
"How would your team feel about you, if you told them you were in love with one of the gorillas in the London zoo? How would you feel about yourself?" The Doctor began pacing again, talking too fast for Jack to even think about an answer.
"Than something Mary Ann said suddenly made sense. The revolution we were fighting started because the old regime clung to laws and traditions that were no longer relevant. That's what she said I was doing. That love was too rare a thing not to hold on to it when it was there. That I shouldn't care what anyone thought. That I'd already wasted too much time." The Doctor fell silent.
"Are you saying that you love me?" Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing.
The Doctor stopped in front of Jack's desk trying to think how to best answer that question. Then he reached across the desk and picked up the glass of whisky.
"I'm saying, Captain, that I'm letting you buy me that drink." With that the Doctor downed the whiskey in one swallow and set the empty glass back on the desk.
"Why didn't you tell me this the last time you were here?" There was no accusation in Jack's voice, just a simple question. The Doctor sighed, not able to meet Jack's eyes.
"I could see what you had with Ianto. How much you loved him." The Doctor swallowed hard. "I would never want you to have to choose between us if I could help it."
Moving slowly so Jack could move away if he wanted, the Doctor reached out and cupped Jack's cheek. He used his thumb to wipe the tear from Jack's eye, then tenderly caressed his lower lip. Jack brought his hand up to cover the Doctors fingers and leaned into his touch.
"You didn't really answer me, Doctor." Jack had to know. "Are you saying that you love me?"
"Since before the Game Station."
The Doctor leaned down at the same time that Jack stood up. Their lips met half way up. As Jack rose he slid his arms around the Doctor under his coat and pulled him close. The kiss was tender at first, but it soon turned passionate. Jack slid his tongue across those soft lips asking for entrance. The Doctor parted his mouth a little, then shivered as Jack's tongue explored it's depths.
Soon oxygen became a concern for Jack and he broke the kiss panting and sliding his mouth down onto the Doctor's neck. Another shiver ran though the Doctor as Jack licked and nipped at the sensitive flesh. He decided that he wanted to make the Doctor shiver every chance he could. And he had to hear more of those gasps and whimper. What other sounds could he get the Doctor to make, he wondered?
The Doctor pulled back suddenly, dropping his hand.
"TARDIS," was all the Time Lord could get out though his pants as he turned and walked towards the door, expecting Jack to follow.
"I can't," Jack started to say as he tried to catch his breath. "I can't leave here yet, Doc. I need to tell my team and there are some things that I want to…"
The amused smirk on the Doctor's face silenced Jack. He walked back and cupped Jack's cheek again, leaning in to whisper.
"We're not leaving yet, Captain. The TARDIS just has bigger beds."
With that the Doctor grabbed Jack's hand and lead him unresistingly out the door to were the TARDIS waited to welcome him home.