Author's Note: This is a post season two fanfic. It's basically rambling from Rory's POV, written in the first person, and picking up after the events of the season two finale. There's no death in it, but I thought the five stages of grieving were an interesting way to split the story up.
By the way, this is the first story I've ever posted on FF.net. I'd appreciate reviews very much (that's the main reason I'm posting), both good and bad. But please don't be mean. If you take the time to read this, thank you!
Disclaimer: The words are mine, but nothing else is.
The Five Stages of Grieving
1. Denial
I think I'm just going to pretend like this day never happened. Sookie never got married. My dad never ditched my mom for Sherri (although I think there's more to that story than my mom is willing to share with me). I never kissed Jess.
It's not like I meant for it to happen. I love Dean. I have a boyfriend. And I love him, I do. I was just...happily surprised to see Jess and I was nervous and I didn't know what to say...
It was just a welcome back kiss. It didn't mean anything.
And really, upon reflection (as I replay the moment over and over in my mind remembering how he smelled like a mixture of cigarette smoke and pine trees - not an entirely unpleasant odor - and how soft his lips were and how they were slightly chapped and...), I realize that it really shouldn't even be classified as a romantic kiss. It was friendly and short and...in fact, I don't think it was even a kiss. More of a peck really. A tiny, small, friendly peck.
It didn't mean anything. The only reason I felt a tingle shoot through my body was because doing something so impulsive is an adrenaline rush. And the only reason it felt so nice is because...well, Dean is the only boy I've ever kissed and...well, it was just different. It wasn't necessarily better, but it still felt different, which one could logically equate to feeling better, even if it wasn't, not really...
2. Anger
This is the problem with being impulsive. This is why I am never impulsive. I'm not an impulsive person by nature, but everybody has their moments, everybody experiences those urges to just take action instead of considering your options and weighing the consequences. But in the end, after the initial rush of the moment, whatever course of action you take while being impulsive usually comes back to haunt you.
God, I'm so mad at myself. There was no point in doing that. It's not even like the kiss was that great. I mean, yes, as far as kisses go, it was nice, but not fantastic. It was too short and really, there was only lip-on-lip action, nothing else. We barely even touched each other. I had an urge to deepen the kiss and brush my tongue against his lips and taste the inside of his mouth, but I refrained because I'm a good girl. And you know what? I should have just gone for broke. I should made out with him, hardcore. Hell, I should have had sex with me. Because Dean's going to kill me when he finds out. And I don't want to die a virgin.
Why did I do it? No, wait...I'm not entirely to blame. This can partly be blamed on Jess. Why did he come back to town? Why did he have to come anywhere near the Inn? Why did he have to stand there, looking at me in that unnerving way he has, with his eyes boring into mine? Why did he kiss me back?! And (worst of all) why isn't he a bad kisser?! After all I've done for him and sacrificed for our friendship, he could have at least made it a bad kiss.
And I can also absolve myself of some guilt by placing blame on my boyfriend, Mr. Perfect. I mean, we haven't made out in a really long time and a girl has needs. He's always so gentle with me and sometimes that makes me want to scream. Also, why wasn't he there? Why didn't he come and catch us? That's what boyfriends are supposed to do! Plus, if I'm running around and kissing other boys (okay, boy, singular - although there was that time with Tristan, but technically Dean and I were not together at the moment) then it must mean that there's something wrong.
Dammit. I can tell myself I'm angry at Jess and Dean (and in an unexplainable way, I am), but I'm most angry at myself. This is not Rory Gilmore behavior. This is not who I am. And I'm not just talking about the kiss, but also...visiting Jess in New York City. Driving in a car with him. Flirting shamelessly with him. Defending him to my mother. Befriending the bad boy. That's not me. That's not who I am. That's not what I do.
3. Bargaining
Alright, I need to repent. I made a mistake, but nobody other than Jess and I need to know about it. I'll apologize to Jess and act like I was taking advantage of him, act like he didn't want to kiss me back, act like...it was all my fault. I'll take the blame where he's concerned and I'll tell him that I was just so...surprised to see him that I just...kissed him. (Or maybe I can tell him I tripped or lost my balance or aliens took over my body...)
As for Dean...I know honesty is the best policy, but he can't know about this. He just can't. He would murder Jess and also probably have a heart attack. Plus, I love Dean. I can't hurt him like that. Sometimes...sometimes it's better to keep something from someone than to hurt them. Telling him would be selfish on my part because it would just make me feel better (less guilty) and it would just make him feel worse.
So, instead of telling him, I'll be the perfect girlfriend. I'll bake him cookies and go to all of his stupid action movies without complaining and watch Battlebots with him and...I guess I should stop talking to Jess, too. I'll make more time for Dean. I'll visit him at Doose's more often and I'll invite him to more dinners at my grandparents' house and I'll find some fun things to do in Hartford so we can get out of Stars Hollow this summer.
Maybe I'll even bail on the Washington D.C. trip with Paris. Facing her wrath is probably the best punishment I can give myself because it is certainly the most torturous thing I can put myself through.
4. Depression
Should I tell Lane about this? Should I talk to her about it? She probably doesn't want to hear about all of my boy problems, but maybe she could help. Maybe she could help me work through the analysis part of it - why did I do it? Why why why?
And the biggest problem is that I'm not being entirely honest with myself. I'm not as happy as I try to convince myself I am. I like being friends with Jess and the thought of losing him...it makes me so sad. But, on the other hand, I love Dean and the thought of him not being a part of my life anymore makes me sad as well. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, Gilmore. You've gotta buck up and choose one boy and, of course, you have to choose your boyfriend.
Even if it makes you...less than happy.
This is the problem with being a good girl and a nice person. You never want to hurt anybody's feelings so you end up sacrificing your own feelings in order to make other people happy. It's not that I'm crying myself to sleep every night (oh, boo hoo, I have two boys chasing after me, whatever will I do?! - gag me), but...I really haven't felt like myself in a long time. Not with Dean, not with Lane, not with my mom...honestly, the only times I really feel like myself are when I'm at Chilton or...when I'm with Jess, alone, because he doesn't push me to be anybody other than myself...
5. Acceptance
Oh, God. I need to break up with Dean, don't I? It's just that the thought of doing that, the consequences from that action are going to send my whole life into a tail spin. My mother will probably stop speaking to me entirely, I'll lose stability...
Wait. I guess it wouldn't send my whole life into a tail spin. Really, things would change, but maybe I would be happier. Maybe I wouldn't be so sad all of the time.
I won't date Jess, though. Because that would send my life into a tail spin. My mother really would never speak to me again and Lane...she wouldn't be too pleased either, truthfully (although if she would take the time to get to know Jess, she would like him). Also, a relationship with Jess would be...well, it would be more grown-up, probably. I'm sure he expects more from his girls than a sweet goodnight kiss and a few fully clothed groping sessions. Plus, he's troubled and by dating him, I would have to...help him, support him, try to solve his problems. I can't do that. I can't handle the pressure of that.
But at the same time...how can I deny the fact that I'm dating one boy while I'm attracted to another? It doesn't make sense and it's just wrong. It's wrong. And I am not the type of person who does something so blatantly wrong.
I need to put an end to this situation now. Dean will be hurt. Jess will be hurt when I tell him that I broke up with Dean, but I still don't want to be with him. My mom will be scared that I'm turning to the dark side. But, in the end, overall, in the grand scheme of things...this is the right thing to do. It really is.
As cheesy as it sounds, I need to make myself happy for once. And I need to do it without being coddled by my mother or supported by a boy. I need to do it on my own.